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Our bozo for today comes from the Internal Affairs department in New Athens, Missouri. Officers seized an iPad as evidence after a burglary and the device was placed into the evidence room for safe keeping. Obviously the room wasn’t very “safe” as the iPad soon vanished, only to return after going missing for more than a month. Guess whoever “borrowed” the iPad didn’t realize its memory and tracking history would help to finger the suspect, who turned out to be none other than the police chief himself. Busted! He’s been charged with theft.

We all know that sometimes the language barrier at a Chinese restaurant can pose problems, but this is the first time we’ve known it to trip up a bozo. From Orlando, Florida comes the story of three masked bozos who entered a Chinese restaurant and demanded that employees turn over the money from the cash register. Unfortunately, there seemed to be no one in the restaurant who could speak English and, even after one of the bozos pounded on the cash register, the employees still apparently didn’t understand there was a robbery in progress. Our bozos finally gave up in frustration and left empty handed, only to be tracked down by the cops a short time later.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from St. Louis, Missouri, where bozo Lester Wilson attempted to rob a man waiting at a bus stop. However, his intended victim put up a fight and in the ensuing melee our bozo dropped his gun before fleeing. Police were called to the scene and the gun was recovered. And while the victim was talking to the police, who should return to the scene of the crime but our bozo. His reason for returning? To ask the victim for his gun back, of course. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Spokane, Washington. Police officers caught bozo Kenneth Haynes in the process of burglarizing a tire store. But it was when the officers found him to be in possession of methamphetamine that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. Officers searching our bozo found two golf-ball size bags of what appeared to be meth stashed in our bozo’s groin area. When questioned about the drug, our bozo told the deputy it was not his groin and he had no idea where the drugs came from. Yep, he refused to take ownership of his own groin. Not surprisingly, police did not accept this excuse. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Birmingham, Alabama, where police were called to a report of an apparent shooting victim slumped over the wheel of an SUV at an intersection. Police discovered a grisly scene, with an apparently pregnant woman covered in blood behind the wheel. However, once they opened the door, they discovered something unexpected. The “victim” was a Halloween celebrant who had been dressed up as a pregnant zombie before having too much to drink and passing out behind the wheel. She’s been charged with DUI.

Bozo criminals for today come from just across the border in Yuma, Arizona, where a couple of bozo smugglers thought they had come up with the perfect way to get their contraband across the border. They built a ramp on each side of the 14-foot tall border fence and then attempted to drive their Jeep Cherokee over it. Guess they didn’t test this idea before putting it into action. Border patrol agents found the SUV teetering on high center atop the fence and our bozos frantically trying to free it when they arrived. Oops.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Staffordshire, England where a couple returned to their home to find it had been burglarized. They called the cops to report a theft of over $16,000 worth of merchandise. What they failed to tell the dispatcher was exactly what the merchandise was. When the cops arrived, they were overwhelmed by the pungent smell of marijuana. And after questioning, the homeowners admitted that the theft was $16,000 worth of pot plants. The couple didn’t do themselves any favors when the wife went out into the yard and found a piece of glass which she threatened to use to cut her throat. At the same time, her husband grabbed a pellet gun and pointed it at the cops. Bad idea. They’re busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Steve Webb for sending in today’s report from the International File in Newsome, West Yorkshire, England. Apparently bozo Emmanuel Jones was in the dark during an attempted burglary. So, he pulled out his iPhone and turned on the “Flashlight” app to light his way. Or at least he thought he had turned on the flashlight. Unfortunately, what he actually turned on was the phone’s video recorder, which recorded the whole break-in. The police discovered the video on his phone when our bozo was taken in for questioning on suspicion of other burglaries. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where 27 year-old bozo Trevor Foster had just robbed a man in Central Park and was fleeing when 79 year-old James Moore, who “runs obsessively” in the park spotted him and gave chase. He was gaining on our bozo when he noticed him drop a piece of paper. And not just any piece of paper, either. This once was a court document with his name and address on it. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Bradenton, Florida, comes the story of two bozos who broke into a house in an upscale neighborhood. They then loaded their car with a number of items and left the scene. Or at least they attempted to leave. Officers investigating the crime were surprised to see our bozos drive back by the house a few minutes later with the stolen items in plain view. It seems they got lost in the neighborhood while attempting to make their getaway and ended up driving around in circles, finally returning by accident to the scene of the crime. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the County Jail in Santa Fe, New Mexico, where bozo Frank Herrera was due to be released. On his way out, he snatched $80 in cash that belonged to another inmate who was being booked into jail. And, knowing that he had been caught on security cameras, he quickly fled the scene, right? Wrong. Instead he headed directly to a lunch counter where he used the cash to buy himself a meal. After finishing his lunch, he walked to the jail’s electronic monitoring office and turned over the money he had left over. He’s back in jail, facing a larceny charge.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York, where bozo Arthur Brown walked into the Alliance Bank and handed the teller a note demanding $20,000 in cash. After initially refusing his demand, the teller left for a moment and returned, handing our bozo an undisclosed amount of cash. He then left the bank and apparently went to a secure location to count his money. When he discovered it was significantly less than the $20,000 he had asked for, he returned to the bank to demand the rest of his cash. Apparently he didn’t notice the bank was full of police officers who had arrived to investigate the theft. He’s busted!

Our bozo criminal for today may not even be a bozo. In fact, he may not even be human. Police in Lykens, Pennsylvania, were called to a motor home where the owner was complaining that his home had been damaged by a rock-throwing vandal. The man went on to explain that he felt the culprit was in fact Bigfoot. He said he was a member of the Lykens Valley Sasquatch Hunters and was “pretty sure” that it was indeed Bigfoot that had hurled stones his 1973 Dodge Winnebago. Could be trouble for our hairy suspect. The County District Attorney has announced plans to prosecute the Sasquatch if he is captured by authorities.

Bozo criminals for today come from Naperville, Illinois, where two unidentified teenage bozos were riding around in their car when they decided they wanted to smoke some pot. So, they went to a nice secluded area, right? Wrong. They simply pulled over on a residential street and lit up. Unfortunately for them, the owner of the home they parked in front of just happened to drive up at that same time. And even more unfortunately for them the homeowner happened to be the local police chief. They’re busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Perth, Australia. It seems our unidentified bozo attempted to shoplift a laptop from a local Toys R Us store, slipping it under his coat and heading for the exit. He was spotted by store employees who were yelling for someone to stop him as he ran out the door. Unfortunately for him there were several someones at the entrance of the store who were more than qualified to bring him to a halt. The Australian Special Air Service troops (kind of an Aussie version of Navy Seals) were outside conducting a toys for tots collection. When they attempted to stop him, our bozo pulled a knife on the troupers. Bad idea. He was arrested, but not before being treated for two broken arms, a broken leg, broken ribs, multiple contusions, a broken nose and jaw and several lacerations. But don’t blame the SAS troops. The news report says our bozo suffered those injuries when he “tripped” trying to elude the troupers.

Bozo criminals for today come from East Naples, Florida, where police were called to a report of a burglary in progress at a residence. When they arrived, there was no one at the home, but the cops spotted a car with license plates matching the number a neighbor had reported seeing at the residence. The passengers in the car denied any knowledge of the burglary and were placed in the back of the patrol car while the cops searched their vehicle. Unfortunately for them, they chose this time to discuss details of the burglary. Even more unfortunately for them, they also chose to light up a marijuana cigarette while in the back of the cruiser. And even more unfortunately, a police camera recorded the whole thing. They’re busted!

Over the years, the Bozo Criminal Report has had plenty of examples of 911 abuse, but today’s story literally takes the cake. From Palm Bay, Florida, comes the story of bozo Christine Baker who called 911 six times, but not to report an emergency. Each time she called she said she wanted to be connected directly to the sheriff so she could thank him personally for the delicious bologna sandwich she was served during her recent incarceration at the county jail. Even though her intentions may have been good, she was still placed under arrest for misuse of 911.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s “politically incorrect” report. Police in West Des Moines, Iowa were called to a P.F. Chang’s restaurant after a report of a disturbance. When they arrived they found bozo Carol Harper ranting about how President Obama had “ruined this country” and singing the praises of Mitt Romney. When she noticed the cops, she told them they didn’t need to be there because she’s a Republican. Guess she didn’t realize the police are non-partisan. She’s been charged with public intoxication.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Ronald Richards was arrested after he returned an item to the local CVS pharmacy. Authorities say our bozo purchased several CVS Ready to Use Enemas and, after using them, resealed the containers and attempted to return them to get his money back. Yuk. He’s been charged with felony product tampering.

Our bozo report for today from Orem, Utah, doesn’t actually involve any criminal activity, but we couldn’t resist. A homeowner called the cops after he received a call on his cell phone from his home phone. He said no one said anything, but he could hear banging and scratching sounds on the line and he thought there might be a burglar inside. Police arrived and took a look around, but couldn’t find anything missing or broken. When the man returned home, he did some investigating for himself and quickly discovered the culprit. Apparently his dog had grabbed the phone receiver and had hit the redial button while burying it in the backyard. He’s busted!