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Bozo criminals for today come from our “Naughty Not Nice” Department in Salem, New Hampshire. Police were called to a report of a brawl in a mall parking garage. Perhaps an attempted robbery? Nope. Not at this time of the year. The cause of the disturbance? A lone parking space. It seems all of the brawlers wanted that parking space for themselves and things went downhill from there. Even though officers tried to remind our bozos that it was the season for giving, none of them was willing to give in on their claim for the parking space. As a result, all six were taken into custody and charged with disorderly conduct. Merry Christmas!

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Mateo, California, where bozo Mary Anderson has been collecting disability since suffering an ankle injury while working as a school janitor in 2009. She claimed she couldn’t walk and needed crutches to get around. Investigators suspected her of fraud and put her under surveillance, and boy did they get an eyeful. She was caught on videotape throwing her crutches into a car and running in high heels at a public park before having sex with her boyfriend. Oops. She’s pleaded no contest to fraud.

There will be no Bozo Criminal Report today as we honor the memory of the 20 beautiful children that were killed in Newtown, Connecticut. The Bozo Criminal Report will resume tomorrow.
Dave

The Bozo Criminal Report would like to make this point perfectly clear. Our bozo for today is in no way a criminal. But his sheer “bozo-ness” demands that he be included. From the International File in Elblag, Poland comes the story of a bozo who shall mercifully remain unnamed. He was helping his wife around the house, doing a little ironing while drinking a beer and watching boxing on TV. After doing a little ironing and no doubt downing a few beers, the phone rang. Still trying to help out, he told the wife he’d get it. Unfortunately, he was quite caught up in the boxing on TV and instead of grabbing the receiver he picked up the iron and put it to his ear. And to add insult to injury, he struck his head on the doorframe of the bathroom while he was running to pour cool water on his head. He says he’ll continue to help with housework but not while watching boxing on TV.

Bozo criminal for today comes from York, Nebraska, where bozo Hannah Wilson robbed a local bank. But she wasn’t content to just take her cash and keep her mouth shut. Oh, no. Instead, she posted a video of herself on YouTube bragging about it. In the video, she is seen holding up a bundle of cash, which she says is $6256. She also holds up what appears to be a baggie of marijuana. There is a video caption which says, “I just stole a car and robbed a bank. Now I’m rich. I can pay off my college financial aid, and tomorrow I’m going for a shopping spree.” Not surprisingly she was arrested the same day the video was posted.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Bolivia, North Carolina, where County Sheriff’s Deputies attempted to pull over bozo Jennifer Carson after they noticed her driving erratically. But instead of pulling over, our bozo sped up and led the officers on a chase that lasted 15 minutes and reached speeds of 70 miles per hour in 45 mile per hour zones. During that chase our bozo used her cell phone to dial 911. She told the operator that there was no emergency and that she would pull over for the cops in exchange for $300,000. Needless to say, the 911 operator did not take her up on her offer. The chase finally ended on a dead end street and our bozo was charged with DUI, felony fleeing to avoid arrest, driving with a revoked license, and careless and reckless driving.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma, where an unidentified 17-year-old bozo walked into a convenience store, pulled a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk took a good, hard look at the weapon and determined that it was, in fact, a BB gun. Realizing his life was not in danger, he told the bozo to forget it and get out of the store. Our bozo repeated his demands for cash several more times, only to receive the same stern rejection each time. Finally, realizing that it was futile, our bozo fled, right? Wrong. Instead he walked to the back of the store where he sat down and waited for the cops to come and arrest him, which they did.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where bozo Donald Adams was in the doghouse with his wife and thought a nice piece of jewelry might be just the ticket to get out. But, being a bozo, it was his approach to acquiring that jewelry that caused all the problems. On Thanksgiving, he dropped by his ex-girlfriend’s home to drop off a check and while there allegedly snatched her engagement ring. He then presented the ring to his wife as a present to patch up the relationship. Which might have worked out out except several guests at the Thanksgiving dinner reported seeing our bozo palm the ring before he left. He’s been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Springtown, Texas, where our unfortunate bozo picked the wrong house to rob. After breaking in, he was confronted by the homeowner and his son, both pointing weapons at him. Quickly seeing the error of his ways, he took refuge in his pickup truck, which was parked out front. Once inside, he did what any bozo would do in a similar situation. He called 911 for help. And that wasn’t the only call they received. At the same time, the homeowner’s wife called, saying, “You better come quick or my husband’s going to shoot him.” Police arrived before any further violence occurred and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Old Orchard Beach, Maine, where our unidentified bozo paid a visit to a local lady of the evening. It seems his visit wasn’t entirely satisfactory. Indeed it was unsatisfactory enough that he called to complain to the cops that she had “shorted him by 10 minutes.” Guess he didn’t realize that both prostitution and partaking of the services of a prostitute are illegal in Maine. H’es been charged with engaging a prostitute.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, where our bozo walked into a currency exchange, flashed a gun and demanded money. When the clerk didn’t respond to his demands, he then proceeded to strike her with his weapon. Fortunately for the clerk and unfortunately for our bozo, his weapon was a fake plastic pistol which fell to pieces upon impact. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wister, Oklahoma, where bozo Keith Wilson likes to take his covered wagon out for a little ride from time to time. He hitches a couple of mules to it and occasionally treats himself to a little liquid refreshment as well. When police noticed him driving erratically, he allegedly rammed the patrol car with his wagon. It was when officers questioned him about the incident that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He blamed the mules. He said the officers got too close and spooked the critters. Didn’t work. He’s been charged with public intoxication and assault and battery on a patrol car.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas, where the cops spotted bozo Robert Lane unloading hams from a refrigerated truck into a 1996 Ford SUV in an empty parking lot. Upon questioning, our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse that the refrigeration unit in the truck was failing and they were moving the hams to a cold storage facility until the problem could be fixed. Which might have been a good plan except he could provide no paperwork for a bill of loading. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Kuras for sending in today’s report from Jackson Michigan. Police were called to a report of a man carrying what appeared to be marijuana plants down the sidewalk near a busy street. When the police arrived, there was no man and no plants to be seen. But what was to be seen was a trail of dirt on the sidewalk. And of course it let straight to a home where the officers found the three marijuana plants. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from St. Louis, Missouri. It seems our three bozos went over to a friend’s house to watch a football game and when they arrived, his 55-inch TV was just too much to resist. They pulled out handguns and announced a robbery. The victim gave up his credit cards and cash, but it was his TV that ultimately proved to be our bozo’s undoing. They loaded the big TV into their hatchback, but couldn’t close the rear door. Needless to say, three bozos driving down the Interstate with a 55-inch TV hanging out of the back of a hatchback attracted a little attention. The cops caught up with them when they were stuck in traffic at the entrance to a bridge. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where bozo Susan Martin was driving by a residence when she “wanted something to do.” So, she did what any bozo with a cleaning obsession would do. She stopped her car, broke into the house, washed some dishes, took out the trash, vacuumed and dusted the furniture. Perhaps things would have been OK except for one little thing. She left a bill for $75 for the cleanup with her home phone number on it. She explained to the cops that she owns a cleaning service and sometimes breaks into houses to tidy up. She’s been sentenced to probation and community service.

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Moscow, Russia, apparently took a different approach to taking advantage of Black Friday specials. He hid inside a false ceiling at an electronics store for a full day before slipping down during the night to steal $4200 worth of merchandise. Well, he almost stole it. Apparently, he planned the “stealing” part pretty well. It was the “getaway” that tripped him up. After grabbing his loot, he climbed back into his hiding place in the ceiling. And unfortunately he was still there the next day when the store re-opened and the employees noticed the items were missing. The cops were called and our bozo burglar was quickly found and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Land O’ Lakes, Florida, where police officers questioned bozo Ray Clark about a alleged bike theft. During the interrogation, our bozo ran away as the officer was calling for backup and climbed up a nearby 30-foot tree. And there he stayed. For 11 hours. But unlike the neighborhood cat, he finally decided to come down on his own. And when he did he was promptly arrested and charged with robbery, resisting arrest and battery on a law enforcement officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Crawford, Georgia, where a 17-year-old bozo entered the local Wal-Mart and filled his shopping cart up with toys. He then headed for the exits, and, waiting until the door greeters were occupied, attempted to wheel the loot outside. However, security personnel spotted him and alerted the cops. It was when the police were questioning him that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he wanted his girlfriends three kids to have a nice Christmas and was going to place the items on layaway and had just taken the items out side so that “no one would mess with them.” He also said he was going back inside to buy himself a drink. Unfortunately, according to the cops, he onlly had 18 cents on his person. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cincinnati, Ohio, where bozo Damaine Moore was in court on charges of selling marijuana. The judge, obviously in a generous mood, made a unique offer to our bozo. Stay out of prison if he’d only promise to give up smoking pot. Should have been an easy answer, right? Not for a bozo. After a good amount of hemming and hawing, our bozo finally admitted it would be a challenge, since he really liked smoking weed. And finally, he presented a counter offer. Could he just have one more joint? Bad idea! He’s busted!