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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report form Bradenton, Florida, where bozo Charles Adams was well known around town for pulling pranks on people while taking video footage, which he would later post on YouTube. His latest prank apparently went too far. He went to a local movie theatre where he is accused of giving wedgies to strangers while recording their reactions. The problem? One of his victims didn’t see the humor in his stunt and decided to press charges. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where bozo Christopher Cook thought he had come up with the perfect crime. He would pose as a fire inspector and visit offices around the city allegedly to look for violations. While making his rounds, he would grab various items and simply walk out with them. At the Art Institue of Philadelphia he managed to swipe two laptops by concealing them under his coat, and only after he had left were the items were noticed as missing. So, what did he do to get caught, and, more importantly, qualify himself as a bozo? Before entering the office, he was required to sign in at the front desk. And, of course he signed in using his real name. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida, where bozo Lance Thompson walked into a convenience store armed with his weapon of choice, a cattle prod. He threatened the clerk with it and demanded cash. The clerk then reached under the counter and pulled his weapon of choice, a handgun. The clerk’s weapon won. Our bozo quickly saw the error of his ways and attempted to flee the scene. But as you might expect, a bozo carrying a cattle prod is pretty easy for the cops to spot. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vichy, Missouri, where police officers were helping a stranded motorist when bozo David Ward pulled up next to them, revved the engine in his car and asked the cops if they wanted to race. Needless to say, this was not a good idea. He peeled out with the cops in hot pursuit and a chase ensued at speeds of up to 90 miles per hour before he was hemmed in and placed him under arrest. He’s been charged with DUI, resisting arrest, theft, and probation violations. Guess he won’t be pursuing a career in NASCAR any time soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Windham, New Hampshire, where bozo Jonathan Walker got sleepy after an evening of drinking. And, not wanting to be a threat to himself or anyone else, he pulled over to sleep it off. It was where he pulled over that caused all the problems. In the Windham Police Department parking lot. Officers noticed the car parked in a restricted area with the motor running and upon further investigation found our bozo passed out in the front seat. He’s been charged with DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Astoria, Oregon, where bozo Jacob Caldwell sideswiped a car after an evening of drinking. There were no witnesses and our bozo fled the scene. But he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. After he returned home, he posted on his Facebook page, “Drivin drunk…classic 😉 but to whoever’s vehicle I hit I am sorry.” His heart may have been in the right place for apologizing but that didn’t stop the cops from tracking him down and arresting him after one of the officers noticed the Facebook posting. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pontiac, Michigan where our unidentified bozo headed to his neighborhood McDonalds to pick up a meal. When he pulled up to the drive-thru window, a worker thought he looked awfully familiar. She was certain he was the same guy who had robbed the place there a couple of months back. She gave him his food and got a description of his car and the license number before calling the cops. Turns out she has a really good memory. Cops arrested him a few blocks away from the restaurant.

Our bozo for today from New York City comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems our unidentified bozo found a iPhone in a NYC cab. When he started using a dating app on the phone, the owner of the phone was notified by email of the activity. So, he came up with the perfect plan to catch a lovesick bozo. He logged on to the site and offered the man a date, posing as a woman and including a picture of a beautiful girl. Of course our bozo took the bait and showed up at the appointed location with a bottle of wine. The phone’s owner greeted him with a hammer and a $20 bill-just in case. Our bozo handed him the phone without a word.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from the International File in Beaudesert, Australia. On New Year’s Eve, our bozos staked out a jewelry store to rob. They began their attempt at a break-in by throwing spark plugs at the window of the store. When that didn’t shatter the glass, they hatched a more elaborate plan. They would break into the store through the rear doors. And break in they did, but unfortunately it was into the rear of a nearby store, not the jewelry shop. Figuring they had to be close, they punched a hole in the wall of a bathroom and broke into…the Kentucky Fried Chicken next door. Thinking they better take what they could get, our bozos grabbed some cash and left. But not before employees got a good description of them. They were arrested a short time later.

Bozo criminals for today come from Naples, Florida, where two bozos walked into a hotel and demanded money from the clerk. They were given an unspecified amount of cash and, after they left, the clerk was preparing to call the cops when the front desk phone rang. On the other end of the line, the clerk could hear a conversation between two people discussing the robbery they had just committed. Yep, our bozos pocket dialed the front desk of the hotel they had just robbed. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marathon, Florida, where police officers were called to the home of bozo Michael Calder after neighbors complained about the large number of cars coming and going from our bozo’s residence. The neighbors told the cops they suspected our bozo was dealing drugs, but the officers left when there was no answer at Calder’s door. However, our bozo was not one to leave well enough alone. Police received a second phone call about an hour later. This one was from our bozo himself, complaining about his neighbors taking pictures of the cars visiting his home. When asked why the cars were stopping at his residence, our bozo said simply that he had a lot of friends. It would appear they were more than friends, as the cops found several baggies of marijuana and scales for weighing the stuff inside his home. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Roanne, France, where an unidentified 20-year-old bozo spotted a bunch of wrapped Christmas presents in an unlocked car on Christmas Eve. Not being able to resist, he crawled inside the car and grabbed the gifts, making a clean getaway. Well, almost. It seems he dropped his cellphone while inside the car, and, not wanting to lose it, he went to the police station to report it as missing. As luck would have it, his victims were at the police station at that very moment reporting the theft and handing the cellphone over to investigators. Oops. He was busted and the stolen gifts were returned to the family in time for a Merry Christmas.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Naperville, Illinois. It seems bozo Jeremiah Brown broke into a car and stole a bank debit card. He then headed straight for the local Kmart and used it to buy a necklace. Noticing that the purchase would give him enough points to claim a free pair of earrings, he presented his Kmart customer rewards card to the cashier to get his credit. The cashier gave our bozo his earrings but noticed that the name on the rewards card did not match the name on the debit card. Oops. Cops were called and our bozo was soon arrested while riding his bicycle in the area.

Our bozo criminal for today is definitely going on the “Naughty” list. From Gainesville, Florida, comes the story of bozo Timothy Lang who broke into a home around 3 a.m. and began gathering up wrapped Christmas presents to steal. After picking up 18 packages, the homeowners were awakened by the noise. And that’s when their four legged crime fighters sprang into action. The pooches ran downstairs, barking loudly. Our bozo quickly saw the error of his ways and headed for the door, leaving the presents behind. The cops were called and they used canines of their own to track our bozo to a nearby residence where he was found hiding in the bushes. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where police were called to a home on a report of a domestic disturbance. Upon arrival, the officers were quickly able to sniff out the situation. Literally. The wife reported to the cops that her husband passed gas that was “bad enough to cause her to almost puke.” She took evasive action on the gas attack by spraying vanilla-scented Lysol in the “area” of her husband. The husband’s story was that she sprayed him directly in the face and he retaliated by throwing a plastic water bottle at her. The wife claimed she was actually hit in the back of the head with a glass of tea. Not surprisingly, there are clear cut laws on the books prohibiting such a gas attack. After consulting with a local judge, the officer let both parties off with a stern warning, which hopefully included a ban on beans for the near future.

Bozo criminals for today come from our “Naughty Not Nice” Department in Salem, New Hampshire. Police were called to a report of a brawl in a mall parking garage. Perhaps an attempted robbery? Nope. Not at this time of the year. The cause of the disturbance? A lone parking space. It seems all of the brawlers wanted that parking space for themselves and things went downhill from there. Even though officers tried to remind our bozos that it was the season for giving, none of them was willing to give in on their claim for the parking space. As a result, all six were taken into custody and charged with disorderly conduct. Merry Christmas!

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Mateo, California, where bozo Mary Anderson has been collecting disability since suffering an ankle injury while working as a school janitor in 2009. She claimed she couldn’t walk and needed crutches to get around. Investigators suspected her of fraud and put her under surveillance, and boy did they get an eyeful. She was caught on videotape throwing her crutches into a car and running in high heels at a public park before having sex with her boyfriend. Oops. She’s pleaded no contest to fraud.

There will be no Bozo Criminal Report today as we honor the memory of the 20 beautiful children that were killed in Newtown, Connecticut. The Bozo Criminal Report will resume tomorrow.
Dave

The Bozo Criminal Report would like to make this point perfectly clear. Our bozo for today is in no way a criminal. But his sheer “bozo-ness” demands that he be included. From the International File in Elblag, Poland comes the story of a bozo who shall mercifully remain unnamed. He was helping his wife around the house, doing a little ironing while drinking a beer and watching boxing on TV. After doing a little ironing and no doubt downing a few beers, the phone rang. Still trying to help out, he told the wife he’d get it. Unfortunately, he was quite caught up in the boxing on TV and instead of grabbing the receiver he picked up the iron and put it to his ear. And to add insult to injury, he struck his head on the doorframe of the bathroom while he was running to pour cool water on his head. He says he’ll continue to help with housework but not while watching boxing on TV.

Bozo criminal for today comes from York, Nebraska, where bozo Hannah Wilson robbed a local bank. But she wasn’t content to just take her cash and keep her mouth shut. Oh, no. Instead, she posted a video of herself on YouTube bragging about it. In the video, she is seen holding up a bundle of cash, which she says is $6256. She also holds up what appears to be a baggie of marijuana. There is a video caption which says, “I just stole a car and robbed a bank. Now I’m rich. I can pay off my college financial aid, and tomorrow I’m going for a shopping spree.” Not surprisingly she was arrested the same day the video was posted.