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Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Carlos Barrera was involved in a minor accident. He fled the scene and when he was questioned later by the cops he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the police he had eaten some bad Chinese food and was experiencing extreme gastrointestinal distress at the time, leaving him no option but to flee the scene in search of the nearest restroom. The police were unsympathetic and placed him under arrest for driving without a license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Curtis, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo broke into a motel and stole food, dishes, silverware and other items. She was inside her car and preparing to make her getaway when she realized she had somehow lost her keys. No problem, just retrace your steps and find them, right? Right, but the first step is to get out of the car. And it seems that all the door latches inside the car were broken and, try as she might, she couldn’t find a way to get out of the car. She was still trying when the cops arrived. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where our unidentified bozo broke into a residence, attacked the homeowner and forced him into a closet while he ransacked the house. Sounds like a reasonable idea except for one small item. This particular closet happened to be the one where the homeowner kept his gun. He emerged, confronted our bozo and shot him in the shoulder and leg. Our bozo was arrested and sent to the hospital.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Immokalee, Florida. It seems bozo Ann Barker got into an argument with her bozo boyfriend Willie Blake over personal finances. The argument escalated until finally bozo Willie brought out his secret weapon…the fart attack. Bozo Ann says Willie walked past her and literally farted in her face. Understandably, she was upset and she retaliated with a kitchen knife, throwing it at Willie, striking him in the abdomen. Police were called and bozo Ann was charged with assault. At this point no charges have been filed against the alleged farter.

Several things went wrong for our bozos for today from the International File in Marsta, Sweden. First of all, they decided to pull off their heist of an electronics store in broad daylight, in full view of numerous customers. And those customers were armed with cellphones with which they were able to take nice clear photos of our bozos in action. Second, they chose bright yellow tracksuits for their wardrobe, which really stood out in a crowd. Third, they chose a compact car as their getaway vehicle and they had trouble squeezing in all their loot, including four flat screen TVs, which delayed their getaway by several minutes. And finally, the plastic bag covering the car’s license plate flew off as they drove away, allowing the witnesses to get clear pictures of the plates. Needless to say, they’re under arrest.

While our bozo for today is technically a criminal, we have to applaud her intentions, if not her methods. Bozo Etta Ramirez wanted to quit smoking. And, although she had tried many ways to quit, her efforts had so far been unsuccessful. After learning that the Sacramento County jail was a non-smoking facility, she decided to have herself admitted. And how does a bozo go about getting sent to jail? You slap a cop in the face. That’s what she did to the officer, as he left the main jail at the end of his shift. He grabbed her and took her inside the jail where she immediately slapped him again as soon as he turned her loose. That was it. She’s been charged with misdemeanor batter on a police officer and was sentenced to 63 days in jail, which hopefully will be long enough for her to kick the habit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pinellas County, Florida where police pulled over bozo Brian Wilkins after noticing him driving erratically. Our bozo jumped out of the car and eluded the cops by breaking through a nearby fence and fleeing into a wooded area. But his freedom didn’t last long, as he was “apprehended” by a friend the cops didn’t even know they had. Apparently his escape route took him right by a hungry alligator who bit him on the face, arm, and armpit. The wounds were severe enough that he sought treatment at a nearby hospital. He’s been charged with driving without a license and fleeing police.

We’ve had a number of examples of 911 abuse on the Bozo Report lately, but this one takes it to an entirely new level. From Girard, Pennsylvania, comes the story of a 42-year-old woman who dialed the emergency number to…ask for a divorce, and to please make her husband leave their residence. The officers arrived, and after discovering that no crime had been committed by the husband, instead arrested the woman for disorderly conduct and misusing the 911 system.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Daytona Beach, Florida, where 911 operators received a call from a 7-Eleven store. The caller on the other end of the line wasn’t very cooperative, answering “I don’t know” to all the dispatcher’s questions, including whether or not he had an emergency. When she asked the man his name, he replied, “It’s Monkey.” Officers were sent to the store and when they arrived they found our bozo waiting for them. When they asked him some questions, he replied, “I know I am a monkey.” The officer replied that, as far as he knew, monkey’s didn’t wear clothes. Probably shouldn’t have said that. Our bozo replied, “Oh, really?” and began removing all his clothes. That was a really bad idea. Our monkey was arrested and charged with indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, violated Bozo Rule Number 77645: When stealing something first be sure it will fit through the door. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, bozo Spencer Hanson decided it would be fun to have a Zamboni of his very own. You are no doubt familiar with the ice smoothing machines found at hockey arenas. Our bozo had his eye on a nice one at the Oklahoma City convention center. So, when he thought no one was looking, he climbed aboard the machine and headed for the exits. Unfortunately the exit doors weren’t wide enough to accomodate the Zamboni. While he was pondering his next move, security guards arrived and he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin, where our bozo was pulled over by the cops after they noticed him driving erratically. He quickly thought better of it and sped away, leading the cops on a high speed chase through the neighborhood and into an apartment parking lot, where he fled on foot. The cops finally tracked him to the basement of the apartment building where they saw what appeared to be a lumpy mattress. A very lumpy mattress. Yep, our bozo had burrowed underneath the mattress in an attempt to hide from the cops. Didn’t work. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Derry, New Hampshire. The jury is still out on exactly who is the bozo here, so you’ll have to make up your own mind. Our alleged bozo stopped at a thrift store called “Finders Keepers” and found a fire pit that he liked, so he took it home. And, he says, since the name of the place indicated he could “keep” it, he took it without paying. For now, the police have accepted his explanation, and, since he returned the item, no charges have been filed. No word on whether the owner is considering changing the name of the store.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where bozo Jarvis Sanders was placed under arrest by the cops for what has to be our most extreme example of 911 abuse ever. He called the emergency number 80 times not for help, but to request “Kool-Aid, burgers, and weed” be brought to his home. When the cops arrived they told him they were fresh out of all three items and placed him under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Wentzville, Missouri, comes the story of our teenage bozo who led the cops on a lengthy, dangerous chase after an officer noticed him driving erratically. It was after he was finally apprehended using stop sticks that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he was in a hurry and didn’t want to stop out of fear that he would go to jail and miss his prom, which was scheduled for the next night.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Grand Island, Nebraska, where our unidentified bozo decided to use a stolen skid loader to steal an ATM. Good idea, if you know how to drive a skid loader. Unfortunately, our bozo didn’t. It all started off fairly well, as our bozo busted through the small brick building housing the ATM, got it into the front bucket and attempted his getaway. That’s when things started to go wrong. First, he lost control of the loader, crashed through a fence and into the wall of a school. Fortunately, no one was injured and our bozo continued on, destroying several more fences before finally dumping the ATM in an attempt to speed up his getaway. And then the skid loader stalled, leaving our bozo to attempt to flee on foot. He didn’t get very far. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California, where police responded to a report of a burglary. Our bozo suspect fled, and, deciding the best escape route was up, headed to the roof of a three story apartment building. The cops set up a perimeter and were planning their next move when they noticed our bozo remove his shirt. Nope, it wasn’t because he was hot. It was because it was time for his nap and he needed a pillow. Yep, he bunched his shirt up underneath his head and laid that tired body down. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Golden, Colorado, where police are looking for a well-groomed bozo suspected of stealing more than $2600 worth of products from several Walgreens stores. It was what he stole that makes this story interesting. His take included teeth-whitening strips, weight-loss pills, probiotics, condoms, Rogaine, and other hair growth products. Police at this time are looking for the suspect. We at the Bozo Criminal Report would suggest they look on match.com.

It remains to be determined whether or not our bozos for today are actually criminals, but they certainly deserve the award for Bozo Excuse of the Month. From the International File in Helsingborg, Sweden, comes the story of a pair of bozo workers at the Swedish Customs offices who were found to be growing a number of marijuana plants on the grounds of the customs building. When questioned by the cops, they said they were only growing the plants as an experiment “to find out how fast they grow.” Uh-huh. Police say the investigation is ongoing.

Bozo criminal for today apparently forgot Bozo Rule Number 11458: Third time is the charm doesn’t apply in the Bozo World. From North Miami Beach, Florida, comes the story of bozos John Hardy and Nelson Norris who targeted the Spinnakers Lounge for a burglary. On the night of February 6, they broke into the kitchen. They returned with another break-in on February 19. On March 4, they attempted to break in again but were unsuccessful. Seeing a pattern developing here, the manager decided to stay at the business after closing on March 5. Sure enough, our bozos returned for another try. Bad idea. She called the cops and our bozos were arrested as they were attempting to leave through the front door.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon where a homeowner returned to her residence to find bozo Timothy Calder making himself at home and taking a shower. He jumped out, identified himself and, rather than fleeing, went for his cell phone, which he used to dial 911. He told the operator “I just broke into a house and the owners came home…I think they might have guns.” Yep, our bozo burglar called the cops to report the homeowners were armed. The homeowner also dialed 911 to report the burglar. Not surprisingly, he’s under arrest.