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Our bozo criminal for today actually did something many of us have only thought about. From Vallejo, California comes the story of frustrated pedestrian Anthony Carson who thought a new crosswalk was needed at an intersection, so he took matters into his own hands and painted one. And while he was at it, he crossed out three other crosswalks nearby that he thought weren’t needed. Our amateur traffic control officer is under arrest, facing vandalism charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Delray Beach, Florida, where the cops pulled over bozo Tiana Hernandez for a traffic violation. While speaking to another applicant of the car, the officer heard our bozo say she was “in Delray Beach to buy narcotics.” Turning his attention to her, the officer asked her about a bulge in her chest pocket. And that was when she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told him the bulge was her nipple. The officer advised her he knew what a nipple looked like and that wasn’t a nipple. At that point our bozo took a round white tablet from her pocket and swallowed it. She then admitted the pill was Dilaudid, a prescription narcotic. She’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance and tampering with evidence.

Bozo criminals for today come from Ocala, Florida, where bozos Andrea Martin and Jennifer Moore stole bathing suits and beef jerky from a local Wal-Mart. And why would they steal these items? Apparently, they had put together a “bucket list” and one of the items on the list was “steal something from a retail store.” Wonder if “go to jail” was also on that list?

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Haven, Connecticut, where our unidentified bozo hooker was being harassed by her pimp, so she decided to do the right thing and turn him in to the cops, which she did by dialing 911. When the police officers arrived they found her to be “busy”. She told the police, “I thought it would take a while for them to show up, so I figured I would turn a trick” while waiting. Bad idea. She’s been charged with prostitution.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Clayton, Missouri, where police pulled over bozo Joseph Moore for a traffic violation. When the officer asked our bozo to step out of his vehicle, he instead took off running, down an alley and then entering a nearby building. Once inside, he ran through a set of double-doors and down a hallway that dead ended in front of an office. Our bozo dropped to the floor and curled up into a ball. All in all, a bad situation, made worse by the fact that the building he entered was the St. Louis County police headquarters. And that office that the hallway dead-ended in front of? That was the Police Department Intelligence Unit. Not much intelligence on our bozo’s part. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lighthouse Point, Florida, where police were called to a report of a burglary in progress. When they arrived, our bozo fled on foot, leading the officers on a chase across several blocks, and ending when he ran into another residence. The cops were shocked when he reemerged a few moments later, carrying two bottles of beer. Our no longer thirsty bozo was quickly placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s story from Stockton, California where two bozos pulled up to the local Burger King, went inside and robbed the place, leaving their getaway car unattended outside. A quick thinking employee noticed they had left the keys in the car, jumped inside and drove it around the corner. When our bozos exited the restaurant, they were shocked to discover their getaway car was missing. So shocked, in fact, that they were still standing around arguing about what to do when the police arrived. They’re busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where bozo James Kennedy broke into several residences, ransacking the houses and getting away with numerous items. He didn’t get very far, however, as the cops arrested him in the parking lot of a nearby Walmart. And exactly how did they catch up with our bozo? It seems he was out on parole for another burglary and he was wearing an ankle monitor during the break-ins. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kennewick, Washington, where bozo Katherine Walker stole an SUV from an apartment complex. Guess this must be the kind of work that can cause you to work up quite an appetite, because shortly thereafter she headed for the local McDonalds. And, as luck would have it, who should work at that particular McDonalds but the owner of the stolen vehicle. She spotted the car and called the cops who arrested our bozo before she got out of the drive-thru lane.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Carlos Barrera was involved in a minor accident. He fled the scene and when he was questioned later by the cops he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the police he had eaten some bad Chinese food and was experiencing extreme gastrointestinal distress at the time, leaving him no option but to flee the scene in search of the nearest restroom. The police were unsympathetic and placed him under arrest for driving without a license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Curtis, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo broke into a motel and stole food, dishes, silverware and other items. She was inside her car and preparing to make her getaway when she realized she had somehow lost her keys. No problem, just retrace your steps and find them, right? Right, but the first step is to get out of the car. And it seems that all the door latches inside the car were broken and, try as she might, she couldn’t find a way to get out of the car. She was still trying when the cops arrived. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where our unidentified bozo broke into a residence, attacked the homeowner and forced him into a closet while he ransacked the house. Sounds like a reasonable idea except for one small item. This particular closet happened to be the one where the homeowner kept his gun. He emerged, confronted our bozo and shot him in the shoulder and leg. Our bozo was arrested and sent to the hospital.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Immokalee, Florida. It seems bozo Ann Barker got into an argument with her bozo boyfriend Willie Blake over personal finances. The argument escalated until finally bozo Willie brought out his secret weapon…the fart attack. Bozo Ann says Willie walked past her and literally farted in her face. Understandably, she was upset and she retaliated with a kitchen knife, throwing it at Willie, striking him in the abdomen. Police were called and bozo Ann was charged with assault. At this point no charges have been filed against the alleged farter.

Several things went wrong for our bozos for today from the International File in Marsta, Sweden. First of all, they decided to pull off their heist of an electronics store in broad daylight, in full view of numerous customers. And those customers were armed with cellphones with which they were able to take nice clear photos of our bozos in action. Second, they chose bright yellow tracksuits for their wardrobe, which really stood out in a crowd. Third, they chose a compact car as their getaway vehicle and they had trouble squeezing in all their loot, including four flat screen TVs, which delayed their getaway by several minutes. And finally, the plastic bag covering the car’s license plate flew off as they drove away, allowing the witnesses to get clear pictures of the plates. Needless to say, they’re under arrest.

While our bozo for today is technically a criminal, we have to applaud her intentions, if not her methods. Bozo Etta Ramirez wanted to quit smoking. And, although she had tried many ways to quit, her efforts had so far been unsuccessful. After learning that the Sacramento County jail was a non-smoking facility, she decided to have herself admitted. And how does a bozo go about getting sent to jail? You slap a cop in the face. That’s what she did to the officer, as he left the main jail at the end of his shift. He grabbed her and took her inside the jail where she immediately slapped him again as soon as he turned her loose. That was it. She’s been charged with misdemeanor batter on a police officer and was sentenced to 63 days in jail, which hopefully will be long enough for her to kick the habit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pinellas County, Florida where police pulled over bozo Brian Wilkins after noticing him driving erratically. Our bozo jumped out of the car and eluded the cops by breaking through a nearby fence and fleeing into a wooded area. But his freedom didn’t last long, as he was “apprehended” by a friend the cops didn’t even know they had. Apparently his escape route took him right by a hungry alligator who bit him on the face, arm, and armpit. The wounds were severe enough that he sought treatment at a nearby hospital. He’s been charged with driving without a license and fleeing police.

We’ve had a number of examples of 911 abuse on the Bozo Report lately, but this one takes it to an entirely new level. From Girard, Pennsylvania, comes the story of a 42-year-old woman who dialed the emergency number to…ask for a divorce, and to please make her husband leave their residence. The officers arrived, and after discovering that no crime had been committed by the husband, instead arrested the woman for disorderly conduct and misusing the 911 system.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Daytona Beach, Florida, where 911 operators received a call from a 7-Eleven store. The caller on the other end of the line wasn’t very cooperative, answering “I don’t know” to all the dispatcher’s questions, including whether or not he had an emergency. When she asked the man his name, he replied, “It’s Monkey.” Officers were sent to the store and when they arrived they found our bozo waiting for them. When they asked him some questions, he replied, “I know I am a monkey.” The officer replied that, as far as he knew, monkey’s didn’t wear clothes. Probably shouldn’t have said that. Our bozo replied, “Oh, really?” and began removing all his clothes. That was a really bad idea. Our monkey was arrested and charged with indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, violated Bozo Rule Number 77645: When stealing something first be sure it will fit through the door. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, bozo Spencer Hanson decided it would be fun to have a Zamboni of his very own. You are no doubt familiar with the ice smoothing machines found at hockey arenas. Our bozo had his eye on a nice one at the Oklahoma City convention center. So, when he thought no one was looking, he climbed aboard the machine and headed for the exits. Unfortunately the exit doors weren’t wide enough to accomodate the Zamboni. While he was pondering his next move, security guards arrived and he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin, where our bozo was pulled over by the cops after they noticed him driving erratically. He quickly thought better of it and sped away, leading the cops on a high speed chase through the neighborhood and into an apartment parking lot, where he fled on foot. The cops finally tracked him to the basement of the apartment building where they saw what appeared to be a lumpy mattress. A very lumpy mattress. Yep, our bozo had burrowed underneath the mattress in an attempt to hide from the cops. Didn’t work. He’s busted!