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As we have all learned by now, Bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. And we have another example today from Portland, Maine. The cops didn’t have to go far to investigate this one as our bozo drove her car through the police department’s garage and through the pedestrian plaza before setting stuck when she tried to drive down a flight of stairs. And her bozo excuse? She was just following her GPS’ instructions. Yeah, and your over the limit blood alcohol level also probably had something to do with it. She’s busted! Charged with DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Frankfort, Illinois, where bozo Danielle Smith found a nice dress and some jewelry at a local boutique. Unfortunately, she was a little short of cash, so she did what any bozo in need of a new outfit would do…she shoplifted it. So far, so good. But when she got home, she really liked the way she looked in that dress. Really, really liked the way she looked. So she posted a selfie of herself wearing the dress and jewelry on her Facebook page. Bad idea. The word got back to the boutique owner and he alerted the cops. Busted! Charged with theft under $500 and failure to appear in court for an unrelated pre-existing warrant.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ted Williamson for sending in this story which proves that even “sophisticated” drug smugglers can be bozos. It seems that everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong for this pair, beginning with when they boarded the yacht “Zero” in Madagascar. While in port, Bozo number one used his phone to take pictures of some whales swimming nearby. About an hour later, the same phone apparently “butt recorded” a conversation of our two bozos taking possession of drugs from another vessel. Oops. But that would only be a problem if they got caught, and here’s how that happened. The yacht was shipwrecked on a reef, which led to our bozos loading their drugs on a lifeboat and making their way to a nearby island. A fisherman found the yacht and the police organized a search party. The cops spotted on man “in a colorful shirt” pop up from behind some bushes and, as they approached, two men attempted to flee. And, as fate would have it, they encountered a giant seal who jumped up and bellowed at them. Thinking their odds were better with the cops than with the seal, our bozos surrendered. And did we mention that the drug dealers had dispatched another boat to rescue our stranded bozos? It ran aground also. In total, 380 kilograms of cocaine, close to 345 kilograms of MDMA or ecstasy and 171.2 kilograms of methylamphetamine were seized. Our hapless bozos and their associates face a maximum sentence of life in prison.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s Bozo, who violated Bozo Rule Number 4433876: Always begin with a full tank. Cops in Shelby County, Tennessee were called to a report of an SUV stalled out in the middle of a bridge. Upon arrival, they found the Chevy Suburban, out of gas, and blocking the bridge. As they approached, they noticed a very strong smell of raw marijuana. Inside they found 229 pounds of pot and a duffel bag full of money. Busted! The driver has been charged with possession of a controlled substance.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Terra Alta, West Virginia, where our Bozo Renee Payne was a passenger in an SUV pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. During questioning, the driver revealed that his bozo passenger had revealed to him that she was in possession of narcotics. A search of her backpack revealed methamphetamine, baggies containing a white substance with the weight of the product written on the bag, and a small scale with our bozo’s name written on it. The suspect remained calm and offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the officer the only reason she was selling meth was because she was unemployed and “cannot find a job.” Sorry that’s not going to fly. Busted and charged with possession with intent to deliver, a felony carrying a maximum prison term of 15 years.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bunnell, Florida, where bozo Jesse Stanger walked into his local Wendy’s and ordered lunch. He asked for the half off discount that is customarily given to law enforcement officers, claiming to be a member of the DEA. When an employee questioned his identity, he said he had been getting the discount there “for two years” and flashed a badge. This caught the attention of a manager who came over to take a look. Our bozo then became hostile and argumentative, prompting an employee to call 911. This should have been our bozo’s cue to leave, but no…He stuck around long enough to show the cops his “Concealed Weapon Permit” badge. Sorry, that doesn’t get you the discount, pal. He’s busted on felony charges of impersonating an officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, Louisiana, where cops were called to a day care facility after staffers found something in a child’s lunch bag that didn’t belong there. And that’s an understatement. Inside the bag instead of a sandwich and banana they found a half gram of meth, half a Xanax bar, and several doses of the sedative Clonazepam. Now don’t worry, the child is fine, but mom is in some hot water. She told the cops she “had been looking for” the drug stash and just couldn’t remember where she had placed it. She’ll have plenty of time to think it over in jail. Cops also found nine grams of meth, digital scales, and “numerous plastic baggies used for distribution”. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. A man had his checkbook stolen from his unlocked vehicle so he went to the bank to close the account. In the process of shutting down the account, a bank employee noticed a recent check for the amount of $1600. The man confirmed that his wife’s signature had been forged on the check so the cops were called. A search began for the person who the check was made out to. After reviewing surveillance video, the cops were able to identify our bozo. Yep, she had made the check out to herself and had returned to the bank to cash it. Busted! Charged with possession of stolen property, forgery and identity theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fellsmere, Florida, where cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found a 44 year-old female covered in blood, with abrasions on her forehead, neck and arm. She was transported to a hospital for treatment while the cops sussed out what happened. Apparently our bozo, 27 year-old Amber Baxter, had propositioned the victim’s 59 year-old boyfriend for sex. When he declined, our bozo hurled a large glass ashtray at him. He ducked and, you guessed it, his girlfriend was collateral damage. Our lovesick bozo was arrested and charged with battery. Turns out she’s been a busy girl. She’s been arrested five times this year, on charges including theft, battery, trespass, aggravated assault, disorderly intoxication, burglary, criminal mischief, and drinking in public.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Corsham, England. A little background information, Corsham is an idyllic market town of only about 13,000 people. It’s a safe little place. At least it has been until lately when the town has been terrorized by a couple of bozos acting in tandem. One of the residents even went so far to describe our bozos as “bloody Mexican hooligans.” These two apparently roam the town at will, wreaking havoc wherever they go. After a German Shepherd K-9 officer was terrorized by these rampaging bozos the whole town basically went into lockdown. And as of this date, no progress has been made in making an arrest. Oh, did we forget to mention the “hooligans” that are causing so much trouble… are a couple of chihuahuas. Yep, the little guys are in control. The police chief says he hopes they can be captured soon and life can get back to normal.

Bozo criminals for today come from Naples, Florida, where the cops were called to a hotel where a wedding reception had taken place a short time earlier. They found our our groom with a bloody nose, busted lip and a swollen eye. His bride was found in the hotel’s Salon room, still in her bloody wedding dress, with blood on her face and chest. So what the heck happened? It appears shortly after exchanging vows, the loving couple got into an argument about her brother. The disagreement got heated quickly with the bride head-butting the groom, resulting in his busted nose and lip. Both were arrested and charged with domestic battery. The honeymoon will have to wait.

There are numerous things that having a pleasant, distinctive voice is good for…being on the radio, perhaps being a minister or even a doctor. Being a bozo criminal, not so much. Our story for today comes from Mount Pleasant, Michigan, where police were called to a report of a convenience store robbery. The clerk said she couldn’t see the man’s face but recognized his voice as a regular customer. She was even able to provide his name. K-9 officers were called in and were able to track the suspect to a nearby apartment…rented to…the same man the clerk had identified. Oops. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Aztek, New Mexico, where livestock inspectors (yes, they have livestock inspectors)were called to a report of a stolen horse. They noticed that the horse in question did not match the physical description of the allegedly stolen horse, pointing out that there was no distinctive white “sock” on his left rear leg. The owners accused the alleged thief of dying the horse to cover up the markings. At this point, the woman accused of stealing the horse became agitated, saying that the horse was afraid of water and would freak out if the inspectors tried to wash the dye job off. That ploy didn’t work. Inspectors scrubbed the back leg to reveal the missing sock. Busted! Charged with theft and forgery for putting together a fake bill of sale for the horse

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a rogue pooper. Our bozo, 64 year-old Kenneth Carson, was caught on security cameras strolling up to his neighbor’s porch totally naked. He then proceeded to climb up onto a glass-topped table and do a big number two before returning to his nearby RV. Investigating officers found him inside the vehicle, still naked and “uncooperative.” He was booked on criminal mischief charges but remains jailed since he was facing other charges from a December arrest including drunk driving and illegal discharge of a firearm.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elsmere, Kentucky, where a week ago bozo Joseph Harris was a $250,000 winner on a Kentucky Lottery scratch off ticket. He said he was going to buy a new home and car with his winnings. But first…there was some celebrating to be done. Two days after claiming his prize, he was pulled over when a cop noticed his vehicle registration had expired. Inside the car the cops found methamphetamine and a pipe with drug residue on it. Busted! Guess that new house and car purchase may have to wait for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Troy, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a vehicle that had hit a telephone pole. When the police arrived, they found blue car parts scattered around but no sign of the vehicle. Continuing their search, they found a car with extensive front end damage parked in a ditch with an empty beer can in the console and footprints leading to a nearby house. The plot thickens…After discovering the wrecked car was registered to the address of the residence, the cops decided to knock on the door. Our bozo answered, with bloodshot eyes and smelling of alcohol. Nope, he said, haven’t been out, been home all night. And is there anyone else at home? Nope. Can you explain the footprints leading from the car to your house? Well, let me get back to you on that. Busted! Charged with Operating While Intoxicated 3rd Offense, Driving While License Suspended, Leaving the Scene of an Accident and Failure to Report an Accident.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Henry County, Virginia, where officers were investigating a domestic assault case. Our bozo was placed under arrest and as he was being read his rights, he made a run for it, jumping a fence and running into a nearby field. And that’s when our animal helper sprang into action. A billy goat gave chase and followed the man into a nearby wooded area. Perhaps deciding he’d rather face the cops than the goat, our bozo reappeared and surrendered to the cops. He’s in custody and the goat has returned to doing what goats do.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Southfield, Michigan, where a patrol officer spotted a stolen vehicle and attempted to pull it over, only to have our bozo speed away. The cop used a PIT maneuver and forced the car to the side of the road. It was then that our bozo made a maneuver of his own. He jumped out and appeared to flee. However, when the officer gave chase, he U-turned and jumped into the still idling police cruiser and drove away. As you might expect, this didn’t end well. A second officer corralled our bozo and after he physically resisted arrest, he was eventually taken into custody. Charges are pending.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe, Louisiana, where the cops were called to an apartment complex on a report of a man “pulling on car handles.” Upon arrival, they found our bozo going from car to car, apparently trying to find one that was unlocked. He was finally able to get into a 1994 Chevrolet truck and was immediately confronted by the police. He then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he was “sleepwalking.” He was unable to explain how he had “sleepwalked” the three miles from his residence to the apartment complex. He’s busted! Charged with felony burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida where the cops were called to a report of a rather unusual disturbance…a man claiming to be Mick Jagger. Apparently bozo Eugene Brown, 59, jumped on stage at a restaurant where a live performance was going on and declared himself to be the Rolling Stones lead singer. He became belligerent when the patrons didn’t appreciate his performance and had left by the time the cops arrived. They found him in a nearby park where he charged an officer before falling to the ground in a “drunk unstable state.” He capped off the evening by throwing up in the back of the police car. Busted! Charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, a felony, and disorderly intoxication, a misdemeanor.