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Bozo criminal for today comes from Brunswick, Ohio, where cops responding to a report of reckless driving spotted bozo Randal Means leaving the local McDonalds at around 1 AM. Instead of pulling over, our bozo led the cops on a short chase before eventually stopping the car. This in itself does not merit inclusion in the Bozo Criminal Report. It was his reason for not pulling over immediately that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he knew he was drunk and just wanted to finish his Big Mac before he was placed under arrest. Hope it was delicious. He’s been charged with drunk driving and fleeing an officer.

There are so many things wrong with what happened in this story from Owasso, Oklahoma that we almost don’t know where to begin. Let’s start with bozo Troy Renfro who stole a computer from a church. And not just any church, it was the one he attended. Bad. His reason for stealing the compluter? So that he could surf the internet for porn sites. Even worse. A small problem, the church computers had a program called Covenant Eyes that tracked the sites that were visited on the computer. Since our bozo didn’t want to be tracked, he called Covenant Eyes and asked them how to remove the monitoring software. Really, really bad idea. The company contacted the cops who used phone call records to track down and bust our bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Peet for sending in today’s report from Kalamazoo, Michigan. It would seem that we need to add a new Bozo Rule for this one: Kick the habit before breaking in. Residents thought someone might be breaking into their house when they heard noises coming from downstairs late one night. Their fears were confirmed when they smelled cigarette smoke. Since nobody in the house was a smoker, they immediately called the cops. Our chain smoking bozo thief was immediately apprehended.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Liverpool, England, where police rushed to St. George’s Hall after a bomb threat was called in. After arriving and finding no bomb, the cops began their investigation. They noticed that a bride had arrived at the venue for her wedding, but the cops could not find any record of a wedding being scheduled for that day. Hmmmm… Upon questioning the groom, they quickly got their answer. It seems bozo groom Neil McIntyre had panicked when the big day arrived and he realized he had not booked St. George’s for the wedding. So, he did what any bozo would do. He called in a bomb threat to cover his mistake. Bad idea. No word on whether the wedding will still be on after he is released from jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Longview, Washington, where bozo Robert Franklin was at the county courthouse, scheduled to appear on an indecent exposure charge. As luck would have it, on that very same day, at that very same moment, Michelle Parker was also at the courthouse to help her sister with a legal matter. It just so happened that Michelle had picked up a cake for her daughter’s 9th birthday party, and, since she was afraid if she left the cake in the car with her dog, the pooch would eat it, she brought the cake into the courthouse and sat it on a table near the metal detector. It was apparently a very beautiful cake, covered in purple frosting. So beautiful, that, when our bozo passed through the metal detector, he couldn’t resist and shoved his hand into it and shoved a fistful into his mouth. That’s when mayhem insued. Cake and frosting flew as the table was overturned and deputies sprang into action to restrain our cake thief, resulting in our bozo facing new charges of third degree theft. On a happier note, the local Safeway offered to replace the cake.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Fort Smith, Arkansas, where police were called to a report of a burglary at a local business. Don’t know exactly what happened, but it would seem that sometime during the burglary, our bozo noticed his cell phone was almost dead. So, he did the most logical thing…he plugged the phone into an outlet and went back to burglarizing. Sadly for him, he got so wrapped up in his work that when it came time to leave with his loot he left his cell phone, still plugged in, behind. The cops took a look at our bozo’s personal facebook page on the phone and were able to determine that he was living at a campground nearby. A visit to the campground turned up several items stolen from the business. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterford, Michigan, where the cops rang the doorbell of bozo Mark Rowley with the intention of arresting him on a felony probabation violation. While his father discussed the matter with the cops, our bozo fled out the back door. So far, so good. It was his poor choice of a getaway vehicle that ultimately led to his demise. He ran to a nearby lake where he spotted a neighbor’s paddleboat and, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, decided to use it to make his escape. Don’t know if there was a problem with the boat or simple operator error, but the paddle boat began taking on water and sank, leaving our bozo no option but to swim back to shore where he was quickly placed under arrest.

Getting caught red-handed is so yesterday. Today the way to go is “green-faced”, especially if you’re a bozo. From the International File in London, England, comes the story of bozo Yafet Askale, who was charged with breaking into a vehicle. Thinking they had no evidence against him, our bozo denied the charges. It was then that the cops revealed their high-tech plan for foiling bozo thieves. They shined an ultraviolet light in our bozos face and he glowed as green as the Grinch at Christmas. The British cops had set the car up with a dye-trap. When our bozo attempted to break-in, he was sprayed with a light mist that doesn’t show in normal light but glows emerald green under ultraviolet. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York, where the police now have new license plate readers. They pulled over our unidentified bozo after they noticed the plates did not match the car the had in their records. Our bozo explained to the cops that she had borrowered the plates from a friend because her insurance had expired. What she failed to check was whether the plates she borrowed were any good. They weren’t. They were suspended, and, of course, what she did isn’t legal anyway. She’s been charged with two counts of driving with an expired registration, switching license plates and no insurance.

Bozo criminal for today actually followed Bozo Rule Number 000001: Always tell Mom the truth. From Bradenton, Florida, comes the story of bozo James Harper who was spotted by the cops riding a bike without any lights around 11:30 PM. And he seemed to speed up when he spotted the police cruiser. When the cops turned on their flashing lights it appeared that our bozo dropped something into the grass. After the cops stopped him, one of the deputies found a burnt crack pipe in the area. It was then that our bozo asked for his one phone call…to call his mother. While the cops were listening, he told his mom the whole story, “I’m in trouble for buying dope and I had a crack pipe on me.” He’s busted, his 15th arrest since 2005.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Manny Steglich for sending in today’s report from La Grange, Texas, where our two bozos decided to visit a friend that was in the county jail. They pulled up into the jail parking lot and when they sat in their car for a long time without getting out, one of the officers decided to investigate. When our bozos acted a little antsy, the officer decided to search the car and that’s when he found the source of their discomfort. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, they had brought along some methamphetamine when they decided to drop by and visit their friend. Bad idea. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where police officers observed bozo Daron Baker speeding and driving recklessly on his dirt bike. Upon noticing the bike had no license plate, the cops gave chase. Our bozo led the officers on a chase with speeds reaching 80-90 MPH before he abandoned the bike and attempted to hide in his house. It was when the cops asked him why he fled that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the officers he was “bored.” The result of that boredom? Arrested, charged with fleeing police and driving an unregistered vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 277623: Make sure your disguise can be easily removed for your getaway. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Jonathan Hall who thought it would be a good idea to rob a convenience store while disguised as Spider Man. It wasn’t. He entered the store shortly after 1 AM dressed head to toe in full Spidey gear. His question for the cashier, “How much money you got?” received no reply as the clerk reached under the counter and pulled out a taser which sent Spider Man running. The clerk called the cops who quickly found our bozo, still in full costume, running down the street. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California, where bozo Charles Carpenter attempted to break into an ATM using a crowbar. He succeeded in doing nothing but setting off the alarm. Our bozo developed a plan for escape which seemed like a good idea at the time. He quickly climbed up onto to the roof and was going to flee by jumping from one building to another. Which might work…unless you weigh 230 pounds, which our bozo did. The cops were watching from the ground as our bozo jumped from the bank building to a nearby apartment building and immediately went crashing through the roof into an apartment below. He was not seriously injured in the fall and was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dianne Overmyer for sending in today’s report from Pettyjohns Cave, Georgia where a group of cavers encountered two people coming out of the cave. Once inside, they noticed that someone had spray painted graffiti near the entrance of the cave. In addition to various obscenities, the vandals had also painted lovers initials. Guess our bozos graffiti artists forgot one thing. Before entering the cave, they had filled out information cards, complete with their names and addresses. Authorities matched up the initials with the names on the cards and then checked our bozos’ Facebook pages. Sure enough, they had posted pictures of themselves which matched the description given by the cavers. They’re busted!

Our bozo today really isn’t a criminal, but he does prove the old adage that no good deed goes unpunished. From Glastonbury, Connecticut comes the story of our bozo, who shall remain unnamed. He was in the local bank when he noticed a man with a gun. Thinking quickly, he wrote the word “gun” on a piece of paper and handed it to the teller. Unfortunately, the teller misinterpreted his message and took it as a threat. Another teller activated a security alarm and the cops arrived and placed our bozo under arrest, charged with breach of peace. And the guy with the gun? He was legally permitted to carry it and had no intent of robbing the bank.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wimauma, Florida, where Bozo Mark Cortez was packing heat, a 22 caliber pistol, but he apparently didn’t pack it very securely. As he was walking down the street, the gun fell out of his pocket and hit the ground. Upon striking Mother Earth, the gun discharged and shot our bozo, not in the foot, but in the leg. When he went to a local hospital for treatment, he was uncooperative with the cops investigating the incident, and for good reason. He is a convicted felon and it’s unlawful for him to be in possession of a firearm. Oops. Upon release from the hospital, he was charged with being a felon in possession, carrying a concealed firearm without a license and destroying physical evidence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Savoogna, Alaska, where bozo Ronald Carpenter broke into a residence and stole a pistol and several checks before making his getaway. So far, so good. Now, what to do with those stolen checks? Cash them, of course. And where to cash them? Savoonga is a small town on an island and there’s only one store, so the choices are limited. Our bozo did succeed in cashing one of the stolen checks at the store. Unfortunately the owner was able to identify him when the police came around to investigate. And since he didn’t use the cash to get off the island, he was quickly placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orange County, Florida, where bozo Anthony Gonzalez was praying in the sanctuary of a church near Disney World when he noticed the church had a gift shop. The temptation was just too much for him and he went inside, grabbed the cash drawer and ran toward the courtyard. The church’s maintenance director noticed what was going on and gave pursuit. And that’s when things started to go terribly wrong. Our bozo was wearing extremely baggy pants, and, as he ran, his pants headed south, forcing him to stop and try to pull up his pants with one hand while holding the cash drawer in the other. This was the opening the maintenance man had been waiting for. He ran up and pulled our bozo’s pants all the way down, which caused him to trip and fall. He jumped on him and held him down until the cops arrived. Busted!

While the Bozo Criminal Report certainly does not recommend this response to your typical Bozo Thief, we certainly stand in awe of his efforts. From Marionville, Missouri comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a liquor store smoking a cigarette. The man behind the counter told our bozo that smoking was not allowed inside. Our bozo responded by walking up to the clerk, looking him straight in the eyes and saying, “Give me all your >bleeping< money." Bad idea. The guy behind the counter was a military veteran with four tours in Iraq and a previous job as a corrections officer. Surveillance video shows our bozo raising his pistol only to have his hand slapped down by the clerk, who then pulled a pistol of his own which he stuck into the mouth of our would-be thief. The clerk then said, "You need to get the >bleep< out of here before I blow your >bleeping< head off." Thinking better of his robbery plan, our bozo backed away and ran out the door. Armed with the video, police expect to make an arrest soon.