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Our bozo for today from St. Tammany Parish, Louisiana, is a proud member of our Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems bozo Kareem Carpenter had an emergency, so he dialed 911. He told the operator he “needed a woman.” Now, this request alone would probably have landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame, but it doesn’t stop there. The operator got his name and ran a check on him, discovering he was convicted sex offender, and he hadn’t notified authorities when he moved from New Orleans to Slidell. His residence has changed again…to the parish jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mexico, City, Mexico, where bozo Guillermo Diaz was stopped by the cops at a routine alcohol checkpoint. As the officer approached the car, he could hear a voice saying, “He’s drunk, he’s drunk.” When he looked inside, there was no one there except our bozo…and his pet parrot, who kept repeating the ill-timed phrase. And, as it turns out, the parrot knew what he was talking about. Our bozo failed a field sobriety test and was taken to jail. On a positive note, the parrot was allowed to accompany him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Ana, California, where bozo Ruben Gonzalez burglarized a home. He collected several items, including cell phones and a PlayStation game console. And then he made his getaway, right? Wrong. Instead, our bozo took his loot and headed to the bedroom of the homeowners, where he curled up at the foot of the bed and fell asleep. The man of the house was awakened when our bozo moved and touched his leg. A brief scuffle ensued and sleeping beauty was chased from the residence, but not before the homeowners recognized him as someone who lives in the neighborhood. The cops were called and were directed to our bozo’s home where he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Seaside, Oregon, where bozo Ryan Barker and his girlfriend Erica Martin enjoyed a meal at the Twisted Fish Steakhouse. When they were finished, they paid their bill with a gift card and then handed the waitress her tip, an envelope with a question mark on it. When the server opened the envelope, she discovered that, instead of cash inside, there was a substance that appeared to be crystal meth. Yep, these bozos left crystal meth as a tip. She called the police who arrived to find our bozos sitll in the restaurant. Inside Martin’s purse they found 17 ounces of meth. The cops also discoverd a meth lab at the Holiday Inn Express where they were staying. They’re busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Northborough, Massachusetts. A police officer noticed a car spinning out of control on the snowy Interstate outside of town. After nearly causing a couple of accidents, the officer watched as the driver crossed a second lane of traffic and then veered over onto the service road. The cop then turned on his red and blues and after a short chase, our bozo stopped the car, jumped out and ran into the woods. The cops tracked our bozo’s footprints to a nearby tree and found he had climbed high into the upper branches. He then asked the cops if “they had caught the guy driving the car”. When told there was only one set of footprints, he offered the lame excuse that the driver had carried him on his back to the tree. He then began to shake the branches and proclaimed, “Look, it’s snowing.” When asked to identify himself, he told the cops he was “an owl” and climbed even higher. Eventually, officers had to use a chainsaw to trim the limbs of the tree before using a bucket truck to extract our bozo from the tree. He’s been charged with drunken driving and evading arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. The Bozo Report has been aware of a bit of a controversy in public schools recently over whether it is still necessary to teach kids cursive handwriting. This might not be the strongest argument in favor, but let us present it nevertheless. From Antioch, California, comes the story of bozo Jamal Green who walked into a bank and, without saying a word, handed the teller a holdup note. The teller looked at the note and couldn’t make heads nor tails of it. So, she called over her manager and he was stumped as to what the note said as well. Seeing that things weren’t going according to plan, our bozo made a hasty exit through the back door. The speed of his exit made his intentions clear and the cops were called. He was found hiding nearby and was placed under arrest. Maybe he can take a penmanship class in prison.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Frankfort, Kentucky, where bozo Robert Vance was an inmate at a minimum security prison. He had been planning his escape for some time and thought he had every single detail worked out. Things seemed to be going well, too. He made his escape to freedom wearing khaki pants, a shirt and a light jacket. All good, except for one thing. That pesky Polar Vortex. When our bozo stepped outside temperatures were in the low single digits, with wind chills at 20 below, definitely not something he had planned on. So, he the right thing. He walked into a motel and…asked the clerk to call the police. He’s now back in a nice warm cell.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from New York City, which, like much of the country, is dealing with extremely cold weather. Our bozo was in search of a car to steal, but found them all covered in snow. Upon finding someone trying to dig his car out, our bozo offered to help. Once the job was completed, he then asked the man for a ride from Queens to East New York. The man, thankful for the assistance, obliged. When they reached their destination, our bozo pulled a gun on the man and took his cell phone, $60, and the car. Guess he thought the best way to make a clean getaway was to head to the nearest laundromat, which is where the cops found him, in the basement. With “most of his clothes off.” He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Livorno, Italy, where bozo Walid Chaabani was under house arrest on drug related charges. The cops were more than surprised when our bozo made a daring escape from his home and went straight to police headquarters. He begged the police to send him back to prison because he couldn’t stand his wife’s incessant nagging for one more day. The cops took pity on him, as did a judge, who ordered him to serve out the rest of his sentence behind bars.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Pincher Creek Canada. With much of North America feeling the effects of a rare “Global Warming” cold snap, our bozos found themselves trapped outside in temperatures hovering around 0 degrees when they lost controlof their car and careened into a ditch.. Having no kindling, they took a bozo approach to staying warm. They removed the seats from their crashed vehicle and set them ablaze in the middle of the road, along with many of their personal belongings. When that fire burned down, they set the car alight. This kept them warm until morning when they discovered there was actually a house within easy walking distance. The cops were called and our bozos were treated for minor burn and frostbite. Now, what exactly makes them bozos? First, both men had cellular phones, which they did not use. And second, both are now under arrest after they were found to be wanted on outstanding warrants.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Commodore, Pennsylvania, where bozo Douglas Lang was caught up in a police drug investigation. He was handcuffed, but not charged, and placed in a police cruiser as the cops searched the area for drugs. Obviously, the best idea would have been to just sit quietly while the cops did their job. But, oh no, that wouldn’t work for our bozo. Instead, he climbed out a window and fled to his girlfriend’s house nearby. Bad idea. The cops have yet to charge him with drug possession, but he has been booked on charges of stealing a pair of handcuffs and hindering a police investigation. Oops.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Norfolk, Virginia, where bozo Tevin Mitchell went down to the local McDonalds to apply for a job. When the store manager explained to him that applications were only taken online and not at the restaurant, our bozo became agitated and lifted his shirt to reveal a gun tucked in his waistband. The manager then pretended that the gun had convinced him to make an exception in our bozo’s case and asked him to sit down while she went to get a paper application. While he was waiting, she called the cops. He was still filling out the form when the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk “Sharkey in the Morning” for sending in today’s report from Shavertown, Pennsylvania. Bozo Kyle Brown walked into a convenience store with a bandana over his face and carrying a gun. After he asked the clerk to empty the register, she told him she was new and didn’t know how to operate it. So, our bozo simply stepped behind the counter, turned the key on the register, and helped himself to $200 in cash and a couple of packs of cigarettes before leaving. And that’s when things took a bad turn. Police arriving at the scene found a single set of footprints in the freshly fallen snow outside the store. They followed the trail into the woods, over a couple of chain link fences and finally ending at a ladder leading to a second floor apartment. Inside they found our bozo, clothes matching the description the clerk had given them, and two packs of cigarettes marked with the same numbers as those taken in the robbery. He’s busted! Everyone sing!!! OVER THE CHAIN LINK FENCE AND THROUGH THE WOODS TO THE BOZO’S HOUSE WE GO!

Bozo criminal for today from Miami, Florida, wanted some beer. But since he was a little short of cash, he took a rather unique bozo approach to getting it. Nope, he didn’t try to steal it. Instead, he trapped a 4-foot-long alligator at a nearby park, put it in a box and headed for the nearest convenience store. There he offered it up as barter, asking the clerk of he would trade a 12-pack of beer for the gator. The clerk was having none of it and called the cops who arrested our bozo, charging him with illegally capturing and trying to sell an alligator.

Our bozo for today isn’t a criminal at all, and some would question his bozo-worthiness, but he did get into trouble with the cops, and his story, at least during this holiday season, deserves mention. From Freehold, New Jersey, comes the story of Kevin Martin who is a big fan of the classic holiday movie, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” He was such a big fan that he decided to make his holiday display a tribute to Clark Griswald, the bumbling lead character in the flick. Re-enacting a classic scene from the movie, he dressed a dummy as Clark and then hung him from the roof above a toppled ladder. Everyone seemed to enjoy the display until one fateful evening when our Mr. Martin went to bed and forgot to turn off the spotlight on the hanging mannequin. And, of course, someone drove by, saw the dummy on the roof and thought someone was trying to break into the residence. The cops were called and didn’t see the humor in the situation, ordering Mr. Martin to remove the dummy from the roof. He wasn’t charged, but now he’s looking for a new home for Mr. Griswald.

Bozo criminal for today comes from State College, Pennsylvania, where bozo Randy Vega was pulled over by the cops on Interstate 80. The cops noticed our bozo appeared excessively nervous, and, after some discussion, he agreed to let them search his car. Guess he never thought the search would include unwrapping several large Christmas presents he had had in the back. He was wrong. Insice the pretty packages was over 20 pounds of marijuana. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Brooklyn, New York, where a bozo couple planned a break-in at an apartment building. They staked out the place, broke in and stole two packages. Sounds routine, right? It is, except for one thing. It seems our bozo’s female accomplice is a wannabe Miley Cyrus. Building security cameras caught our male bozo sitting on a bench outside the building while his female accomplice practiced her twerking before the burglary. For almost an hour. Armed with a good look at our twerking bozo, cops hope to make an arrest shortly.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Red Lion, Pennsylvania, where bozo Shawn Ferguson went shopping for some music. He headed down to the local record store (yes, there are still a few around). He stuffed a few items in his pockets and then attempted to pay for a CD at the cash register. Unbeknownst to our bozo, the store owner had been watching him closely and knew exactly what was going on. And even more unbeknownst to him, the store owner was an experienced cage fighter. When the manager confronted him about the items in his pocket our bozo pulled a knife and threatened the man. Bad idea. Using his cage fighting skills, the manager put him in a choke hold and soon our bozo went nighty-night. He’s busted!

We have another story this morning from our “‘Tis the Season” file. From Spartanburg, South Carolina, comes the story of three relatives, ages 76, 61 and 24 who were decorating the family Christmas tree. Somewhere along the way, things got rather heated as the three women began arguing about where to place the ornaments and exactly how the tree should look. A male relative, age 41, arrived at the home and tried, but failed to calm things down. Finally the yelling and screaming and pushing and shoving got so bad that the cops were called. The police reminded them of the spirit of the season and were able to get things calmed down. And, since no one was willing to press charges, no one went to jail. No word on whether the tree ever got fully decorated.

No real criminal activity this morning, unless you consider overzealous enforcement of safety rules a crime. From Neath, Wales, comes the story of the Bridge Church’s annual children’s nativity play. It’s quite an elaborate production, with young kids playing all the roles. And, of course, live animals play a part, too. And that’s where the problem comes in. In one scene, the 8-year-old Mary rides a donkey. And since the scene takes place outside, safety regulations require little Mary to wear a helmet. Church members say they will comply and try to conceal the helmet with some of Mary’s scarves.