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Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakewood, Washington, where bozo Kenneth Carlson had a simple request of his girlfriend. Please clean my ears. The cops were called to their trailer park residence after she refused and violence ensued. Apparently her refusal so angered our bozo that he broke a door off the hinges and poured water on her, damaging her hearing aid. But, there’s more! He then chomped down on her arm with his toothless mouth, not breaking the skin, but “still enough to hurt.” He’s been charged with assault by gumming.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the “seemed like a good idea at the time” department. From Corbin, Kentucky, comes the story of bozo Charles Baker who was being booked into the county jail on charges of shoplifting. Somehow, our bozo got a moment alone and called the local pizza shop and ordered five pizzas delivered to the station for “Officer Wilson”, who just happened to be the officer who arrested him. Nice gesture, but bribery by pizza doesn’t work. He now faces additional charges of impersonating a police officer and theft by deception.

Over the years on the Bozo Criminal Report, we’ve reported bozos placed under arrest for any number of reasons, but today we have a first. From Thomaston, Connecticut comes the story of bozo Carmine Carillo who was going through a nasty divorce. His wife busted him by turning in to the cops containers or prescription pills and marijuana she found hidden in his tool box. He retaliated by placing a watermelon on her kitchen table and stabbing it with a butcher knife, which apparently is illegal in Connecticut. The cops were called and our bozo was charged with misdemeanor counts of threatening and disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminals for today come from DeLand, Florida, where our bozo team of Sara Lang and Steve Moore had big plans for a neighborhood burglary. They had staked out their target home, and, when no one was home, broke in and stole numerous items, including power tools, extension cords an iPad and women’s clothing. It seemed they had planned everything perfectly. Now, all they had to do was drive away. But that turns out to be the one part of the heist that was not completely thought out. To get out of the neighborhood, a U-turn would be required. Our bozos attempted to make the maneuver and ended up getting their vehicle stuck in a ditch, with one wheel hanging off a driveway. When the cops arrived, our bozos offered up a lame excuse. They told the officer they were driving around the neighborhood to familiarize themselves with the area because they were starting a newspaper route. When they couldn’t explain all the stolen stuff in their car, they were placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where it’s been another hot summer. And you know the old saying, hot weather brings out the bozos. Bozo Michael Dawson has been charged with attempted burglary at a snow cone stand. This wouldn’t usually have merited mention except for the fact that our bozo tried to break into the store while it was still open. A frightened employee called the cops around 1 pm to report a man was trying to break a door knob at the back of the stand. When the cops arrived, our bozo explained that he was trying to break in because he “wanted a snow cone.” Don’t know why he didn’t go to the front window like everyone else. He’s been charged with burglary, trespassing and public drunkenness.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Chadderton, England, where bozo Ann Hendricks was involved in a traffic accident. Obviously she was a bozo with places to go and didn’t feel it was important to stick around to talk to the cops. The cops didn’t feel the same way and, after doing some investigating, found her in a nearby pub. It was when they asked her to take a breath test that she came up with the Bozo Response of the week. She declined. Her reason? She was “too busy drinking.” Next time come up with a different excuse. She was arrested and charged with DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fyffe, Alabama, where bozo Christine Saunders had a plan to rob a store. Everything thing was in place except her getaway vehicle. So, she stole one on the way to the crime. It was her choice of “vehicle” that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Police were called to a convenience store with a report of a robbery in progress. When they arrived they were surprised to see a horse tied up out front,with a bag of Keystone Light cans hanging from the saddle. Yep, our bozo planned to use the steed for her getaway. She’s been charged with public intoxication and possession of a prohibited beverage. The horse’s owner declined to press charges.

Our bozo criminal for today was a wanted man, after jumping bail in a drug and drunken drving case in Ithaca, New York. Under these circumstances, you’d want to keep a low profile, and only come out of hiding in the case of a dire emergency. And, it would seem, if you’re a Washington Redskins fan, the possiblity of the team changing its name is a dire emergency. Our bozo volunteered to take part in a newspaper’s “Your Opinion” feature, giving his opinion concerning the controversy surrounding the Redskins name. He even went so far as to posse for a picture by the newspaper’s photographer. The cops also read that newspaper and our bozo was recognized and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oconee County, Florida, where police officers were called to a report of a dog in a hot car. The cops discovered and freed the dog and then went looking for the canine’s owner. It was when they found him that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. Bozo Wesley Tate was found inside a store where he was purchasing some corn. Our bozo, who appeared to be quite intoxicated, told the cops that, even though his car was parked out front, he had not driven himself there. He explained that the dog had been behind the wheel. Even though he gets high marks for creativity, he was placed under arrest for animal cruelty and DUI. The dog was taken into protective custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tacoma, Washington, where police responded to a burglary alarm at a local thrift store. Initially, the cops found nothing out of the ordinary. Then, they noticed a large box of stuffed animals in a box at the front of the store. Inside, sitting still as a mouse, they found our bozo. He told the cops he got spooked by the burglar alarm and thought the stuffed animals would provide a good hiding place. Wrong. He’s under arrest for burglary and meth possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Provo, Utah, where bozo Heather Ramirez is accused of attempting to buy methamphetamine from an off-duty police officer. It seems our bozo approached the cop and pulled a glass pipe coated with meth residue out of her brassiere. It was when the cops placed her under arrest that she came up with the Bozo Excuses of the Week. First, she told the officers she should not be charged because she was attempting to buy the drugs for her sister, as a birthday present. And then she informed them that the meth pipe she had pulled out of her bosom was not hers, that she was only “holding it for a friend.” The cops didn’t buy her creative excuses and she was busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number #222675: Put a lot of thought into your escape vehicle. Our bozo staked out a restaurant on the shores of a lake, and broke in on a day the place was closed. He had grabbed a number of items when he was surprised by an employee that was giving a tour of the facility. He fled out the back door and jumped into his getaway kayak. Yep, he paddled away from the place in a kayak. Unfortunately, the kayak was no match for the cops who arrived with a fire department boat. He was quickly caught and placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report of an assault, which could perhaps be justifiable. Guests at a birthday party at a pub in Madison, Wisconsin, were shocked when one of the partygoers began yelling at the disc jockey, apparently upset over his song selection. The fight escalated and the woman got in a few punches, scratched the DJ on his face, and broke his laptop computer and microphone before she was pulled off of him. The cops were called and before they arrived the woman broke free, grabbed a piece of glass and tossed it at he bewildered DJ as she made her getaway. The disc jockey was not seriously injured. The music critic remains at large.

We’ve quoted the Bozo Rule about keeping a low profile after committing a crime numerous times, but today we have what is perhaps the most flagrant violation of the rule ever. From Kansas City, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Thomas McIntyre who broke into the Kansas City Costume Shop and stole a giant yellow bird costume, complete with cape and a big hat with feathers. Instead of taking it home for safe keeping, he donned the suit and walked down the street to the Cashew bar where patrons were enjoying “wing night.” The bar’s owner’s obviously didn’t get the joke and the cops were called. After a brief struggle, big bird was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairbanks, Alaska, where bozo Robert Lasater checked in to the local emergency room. It was what he attempted to check out with that got him into trouble. He attempted to leave the facility with bed sheets, 47 latex gloves, a bloody syringe, oxygen tubing, towels, washcloths, medical wrap, 27 alcohol wraps, and 15 packages of lubricant. Not surprisingly this large load attracted the attention of a security guard who held him until the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, where bozo Tyrell Carson walked into the local Home Depot and grabbed a couple of bags of weed killer and exited without paying. Unfortunately, in his haste to get away, our bozo lost one of his shoes. The cops were called and a short time later they spotted the getaway car and pulled it over. When they asked our bozo to step out of the vehicle, they noticed he was missing a shoe, which was a match for the one left in the store. If they shoe fits, you’re busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Troy, Missouri, where the cops were called to Fairgrounds Park on a report of one of the concession stands being broken into. Thanks to our teenage bozos this investgation turned out to be one of the easiest ever. The first thing the officers noticed was a lot of trash around the concession booth. As they looked closer, they found that the trash was mostly candy wrappers, and that the wrappers formed a trail that led out of the the park. Much like the old story of Hansel and Gretel, all the cops had to do was follow the trail which led them to a nearby apartment. The parent of the juveniles inside allowed the cops to search the apartment, and, sure enough, they found several of the stolen items (or at least the ones that hadn’t been eaten). They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Minneapolis, Minnesota, where bozo Nicholas Warren broke into a residence and stole a number of items. While he was there, he apparently worked up a bit of a sweat, as he removed his shirt and tossed it aside. Then, when he was getting ready to leave, he decided to take a quick break and check his Facebook on the homeowner’s computer. One big problem, he failed to log out. When the homeowner returned, he noticed the page open to our bozo’s profile. The homeowner contacted our bozo and offered to meet him to return his shirt if he would give him a cell phone he had taken. Not the best deal our bozo could have worked out. He was arrested by the cops while wearing a watch he had stolen from the home. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Marion, Indiana, quickly found out that he had broken into the wrong house. Armed with a wrench and wearing a hockey mask, our bozo burst into the home of 63 year old Patty Carson and demanded money. Patty, who has COPD and lung cancer, wasn’t frightened by our bozo in the least. She grabbed her trusty backscratcher and went after him, saying, “Not in my house.” When he dropped his wrench, she picked it up to and continued hitting him until he ran out the door, empty handed. Police are looking for the suspect.

We’re not exactly sure who the bozos are in this case, but it certainly deserves mention. It comes from the International File in Kostiantynivka, Ukraine, where city officials decided it would be cool to put an old World War II tank on display in the city park. And of course some enterprising bozos, probably fueled by alcohol, decided to try to “hot wire” the thing. Much to their surprise, the big engine fired up and they were even able to take it for a little spin. Local investigators are looking into the case and trying to decide who should be charged, and with what.