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Bozo criminal for today comes from Conyers, Georgia, where a police officer was flagged down by a pedestrian who appeared to be in a state of distress. The man, who the officer described as “talking very rapidly”, said a bug had flown into his eye and he leaned over to look at his eye on the mirror on the squad car’s passenger door. It was then that the officer noticed something in his waistband. Well, two things, actually. One was a two foot long sword and the the other, a large meth pipe. The sword was not illegal. the meth he was carrying was. He’s busted.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Iowa City, Iowa where cops were called to a report of a woman locked out of her apartment. Upon arrival, they found bozo Jailin Ward upset, yelling and banging on an apartment window. She told them she’d lost her keys. The cops called the fire department and they were able to break through the door. Case closed, right? Not quite. The police officers stuck around and, when the door was opened, were able to see several pot plants, two bongs, grow lights and a scale inside. Oops. She’s been charged with drug possession.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Pontiac, Michigan where police were called to a report of an ambulance being stolen from outside a hospital. Apparently bozo Bryan Carlton jumped into the vehicle while it was unattended and drove away. Using cellphone technology, the cops were able to track down the ambulance and arrest him. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he was headed over to the “Booby Trap”, a topless bar, to “see some pole dancing.” The cops advised him to call a cab next time. He’s been charged with theft of an automobile.

Our bozos for today are hardly criminals but they probably have ended up on Santa’s naughty list anyway. From Mayville, Wisconsin, comes the story of two brothers, ages 6 and 3 who really wanted to get in touch with Santa Claus to let him know exactly what they wanted for Christmas. So, instead of going to the local department store to talk to him, they took a more modern approach. They grabbed Dad’s cellphone and dialed 911. Rather than connecting to the North Pole, they were connected to the local police department. The cops arrived and gave the kids a stern warning, explaining that you need to talk to Santa in person.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Deland, Florida, where the cops were called to the local Walmart on a report of a man getting a little tongue. Upon arrival, they confronted bozo Jason Porter, accusing him of shoplifting $35 worth of beef tongue from the meat counter and slipping it into his pants. He denied the theft and then proceeded to try to remove the tongue from his pants when he thought no one was looking. Obviously $35 worth of tongue is hard to conceal so his efforts were for naught. He’s been charged with theft.

Bozo criminal for today is a Black Friday special. Police in Nampa, Idaho were called to a shopping center the day after Thanksgiving on a report of organized shoplifting. The cops tracked down our bozo shoplifting pair but they were able to flee to the parking lot. Not wanting to endanger shoppers in the busy lot, the cops decided not to pursue them. But, much to their surprise, instead of fleeing, our bozos simply drove in circles around and around the lot. The cops finally laid down a spike strip and our bozos were apprehended.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Uniontown, Pennsylvania, where the cops brought 23-year-old bozo Savannah Tucker down to the station house for public drunkenness. She was patted down and, after no weapons were found, was cited and released. But, as you are no doubt aware, a bozo just can’t leave well enough alone. She returned moments later to complain about being harrassed. And, as she was explaining herself, she fluffed her shirt to straighten in out, and what should fall out but a baggie of crack cocaine. She’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where police had no leads in a residential burglary in which a large number of guns were stolen. Then, they received a phone call from the victim. He told the cops he had just visited a Facebook page of a “friend.” And on that page, our bozo had posted pictures of the guns he had stolen from his “friend’s” house. Bad idea. He’s now been charged with aggravated burglary, larceny of a firearm and tampering with evidence.

With Thanksgiving coming up, today’s Bozo Report shall serve as a word to the wise. Police in Atlanta, Georgia, were called to a Golden Corral buffet restaurant on a report of suspicious activity. After arrival, they discovered two bozos face down, sound asleep with their faces buried in an overflowing plate of food. The cops awakened the man, thereby saving him from possibly inhaling food and choking himself. His female companion didn’t fare so well, as she was found to be in possession of a controlled substance. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Chester, New York, where bozo Kenneth Dover was stopped by the cops for speeding on I 95. Believing he was intoxicated, the cops arrested him and took him downtown for a DUI test. The test was administered and when the results began printing, out bozo grabbed the paper and attempted to eat the results. Bad idea. He’s been charged not only with DUI but also with obstructing governmental administration and criminal tampering.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cape Town, South Africa where surveillance cameras caught our bozo criminal as he prowled around the back yard of a residence. Then you see him fleeing in terror and leaping over the fence to make his excape. Finally, the source of his fear comes into the frame. A tiny Yorkshire terrier, weighing no more than six pounds. Police are looking for a thief with cynophobia, the fear of dogs.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report. Police in Virginia Beach, Virginia, intercepted a shipment of marijuana going to a residence. The cops replaced the pot with a note signed by “Mike” saying that he had the pot and the addressee could get it back for a “little cash.” The note also provided a phone number to call, which our bozo of course did, setting up to meet “Mike” at the local 7-Eleven. Instead of getting his pot, our bozo got six months in jail.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 337684: If you’re passing counterfeit bills, be careful who you give them to. Our unidentified bozo from Kittanning, Pennsylvania, had printed up some fake twenties on a copier and thought there would be no safer place to pass them than at a yard sale. Might have been a good idea except for one small thing. The yard sale he picked was being held by a woman whose day job is…bank teller! She quickly spotted the fake bills and called the cops. He’s been charged with forgery and theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Harrison, New Jersey, where bozo Christopher Russell had a little too much to drink at a local bar. So he called a cab to get home safely? Nope. Maybe asked one of the more sober patrons to drive him? Nah. Went outside, stole a bulldozer and drove it home, leaving a path of destruction behind him? Yep. Police say he leveled signs, three benches, a tree, a drinking fountain and left a maze of bulldozer tracks in the grass. Needless to say, it wasn’t difficult for the cops to track him down. He’s been charged with DUI, criminal mischief, leaving the scene of a crime and theft of a bulldozer.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Brockton, Massachusetts. A woman was robbed at gunpoint by three men who burst into her apartment. It was when she made a positive ID on one of the suspects that he revealed his true identity as a bozo. When she picked him out of a lineup, he blurted out, “How could she tell it was me? I had a mask on!” Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from London, Kentucky, where 37 year-old Deborah Ward was taken into arrest as part of a drug investigation. She, along with her male companion, was found to be in possession of 3,37 grams of crystal meth as well as a pair of digital scales. This in itself would not be newsworthy. It was her wardrobe choice that ultimately landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. When she was arrested she was wearing an “I [heart] Crystal Meth” T-shirt. Busted!!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ryan Winkey for sending in today’s report. Police in Spokane Valley, Washington, were called to the local post office after a report of a break-in. Upon arrival, just after 5:30 a.m., they found bozo Jackie Horton rummaging through the mail and looking at the postal uniforms. It was after she was questioned that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she didn’t do anything wrong because the post office “looked like a movie set” and she was just “playing house” with the uniforms and didn’t intend to steal anything. Didn’t work. She faces federal charges of breaking into a postal facility.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tijuana, Mexico, where bozo Sylvia Martinez was trying to sneak 27 pounds of meth into the United States. Things were going well, as the security guards at the border crossing only did a quick check of her Ford Focus before clearing her to pass. Then, things took a wrong turn, or rather, our bozo did. Immediately after crossing the border, our bozo took a hard right and turned into what we must assume she thought was a large parking lot. In fact, she turned into the “inspection lot” where Customs agents do a more thorough check of selected vehicles. Oops. She’s been placed under arrest on charges of felony drug importation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Darmstadt, Germany, where our unidentified bozo used a rather unusual weapon to pull off a robbery. She walked into a pharmacy and began looking at the store’s selection of breast pumps. She took one of them to the counter and gave the clerk some cash to pay for it. As he opened the register to make change, our bozo whipped out one of her breasts and squirted milk at the pharmacist. While he was temporarily blinded, she made away with $127 in cash. The cops are looking for a woman with what is described as a “robust” figure.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Raleigh, North Carolina. The cops were called to a downtown night club on a report of a disturbance and bozo Lizette Barker was taken into custody. Before being booked, she asked to go to the bathroom and when she returned, one of the deputies noticed something strange about the way she was walking. Her head seemed to be leaning to one side. Upon further investigation the cause of the “lean” was found. Our bozo had concealed a handgun in her hair weave. Bad idea. She’s been charged with possession of a stolen firearm and resisting arrest.