Our bozo for today from Chicago, Illinois carjacked a vehicle, not a bozo-worthy act. It was what happened next that is worthy of reporting. Bozo Jereh Baxter contacted the owner of the 1998 Chevy Malibu and offered to sell it back to her for $50. Playing along, the owner told our bozo that it sounded like a good deal and offered to meet him to make the exchange. She also called the cops and had them come along. He’s busted!
We’ve had numerous bozos who have stolen iPhones and then been captured when they took selfies of themselves, but today’s report reveals there’s more than one way to get yourself arrested. It seems two bozos in Lincoln County North Carolina thought it would be fun to steal a couple of trail cameras affixed to a tree and used to take pictures of wildlife. What they didn’t realize was that the cameras would continue to take pictures and email them back to the owner, ever after being removed. The sheriff’s department posted several of the pictures, including one of our bozo lounging in front of his Christmas tree. Alert Facebook fans quickly were able to ID the thieves, with more than 30 members of the public calling in tips. They face charges of larceny and possession of stolen goods.
Bozo criminal for today from Hudson, Florida, violated Bozo Rule Number 43093: Truth in advertising isn’t always a good idea. Our bozo was in the local K-Mart store and was standing in line at the checkout when something caught a deputy sheriff’s eye. He saw bozo John Boren attempt to hand off a “bag of green leafy substance” to the person in line behind him, who refused to take it. Our bozo then placed the bag on the ground and proceeded to check out. On his way out the door, our bozo was stopped for questioning and found to be in possession of marijuana and methamphetamine. Oh, and what was it that attracted the deputy’s attention in the first place? It was the shirt our bozo was wearing, which said, “Who needs drugs? No, seriously, I have drugs.” Well, he HAD drugs.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Crieff, Scotland. Our bozo attempted to steal a milk delivery van, pulling a knife on the driver and jumping behind the wheel. His plan was foiled when he couldn’t figure out how to start the truck. Undeterred, he turned his attention to another nearby vehicle, which he commandeered but was only able to drive a few feet before stalling it. The cops were called and they arrived just in time to find him attempting to hijack another motorist. After a short chase on foot our bozo was apprehended at which time he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he had broken up with his girlfriend and “needed to get out of town.” In a way, he got his wish. He’s been placed in an out of town jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Uniontown, Pennsylvania, where bozo Eric Fowler walked into the local pizza shop and handed an employee a note demanding cash. The quick thinking employee hit a panic button and the cops arrived to find our bozo still in the shop. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops a large, bearded man had put a gun to his back in a nearby alley and told him he would shoot him if he didn’t go into the shop and rob it. A good plan, perhaps, but he forgot one important thing…that holdup note. The investigating officer noticed something strange about that note. It appeared to have been written on toilet paper. He asked our bozo to take him back to his apartment and there, on a table was an open package of toilet paper. And one of the rolls contained an impression of the very holdup note that he had used. Oops. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Miami, Florida. Cops were having trouble tracking down a car thief who had a good thing going. Working with accomplices, our bozo would use identity theft to “purchase” vehicles. She would pose as someone else, using their identity to buy the car, and by the time the dealership figured out what was going on, she would be long gone. Everything worked smoothly, except when she got the car home, she couldn’t figure out how to get the key-fob to work. So, she did what any bozo would do. She returned to the dealership to complain. The staff recognized her and asked her to wait, while they repaired it. Not sure if they actually worked on it, but they did call the cops and our bozo thief was arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Winnellie, Australia, where a bozo in need of a little Christmas cash came up with a plan. Surveillance footage shows him place an explosive device near an ATM, light it and step back. The footage also shows he didn’t step back far enough as the ensuing blast knocked him off his feet and out of his sandals. He also underestimated the strength of the the ATM as the blast failed to open the machine. Cops are looking for a barefooted and empty handied bozo.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File in Whitley Bay, England, where bozo Christopher Hall shoplifted a tablet computer from a charity store. What our bozo didn’t realize was that his theft was recorded by the store’s surveillance cameras. Police had been unable to identify him and it looked like the case was going to reach a dead end. Until…our bozo came back into the store to return the tablet because he was unable to get it to work. A worker recognized him from the security camera footage and called the cops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Sammamish, Washington, where a Christmas Eve thief found himself up a creek without a paddle. Literally. Police officers received a report of a man and woman stealing packages from local mailboxes. They spotted a car filled with mail and used their cruisers to block it in. The officers captured the woman immediately, but the man jumped from the vehicle and fled to a nearby pond, grabbing a kayak out of a yard on his way. Unfortunately, once he found himself in the boat, he discovered that he had forgotten to also steal a paddle. And using his hands just didn’t work very well. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to all the Bozo Fans out there and here’s hoping you have the best holiday season ever!
Dave
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Guangxi province, China. Our bozo thief had one obsession, ladies underwear. And it was a big obsession, too, as he used a pass key at his apartment to steal over 2000 sets of bras and panties over the course of a year. Apparently, he didn’t like to wear the frilly things, he just liked to stockpile them in the ceiling above the stairwell in the building. Like that one snowflake that breaks a tree limb, it was one last pair of panties that was just too much for the ceiling tiles to hold, and the underwear came tumbling down. Efficient Chinese police added insult to injury by sorting through the knickers and arranging them by color and displaying for everyone to see on the sidewalk outside the apartment. He’s been charged with unmentionable theft.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report from Manchester Kentucky, where local police had organized their annual “Shop with a Cop” promotion. During the event, meant to build positive relationships between the police and the community, disadvantaged kids are given a small amount of money to go on a shopping trip with the cops to buy presents for their family and friends. It was during the event, held at the local Walmart, that security guards noticed something strange going on. 26-year-old bozo Samantha Harper was gathering up jewelry and other items and concealing them underneath her clothing. Yep, of all the places to shoplift, she chose a Walmart that was full of cops. She’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Spartanberg, South Carolina. 350 pound bozo Robert Harper headed down to the local Walmart where he climbed aboard a motorized scooter and proceeded to do some shopping. He saw some ribeye steaks he liked, five of them to be exact. But instead of heading for the checkout lane, he placed the steaks under his more than ample butt and sat down on them. Thinking they were safely concealed, he then exited the store without paying. What he didn’t realize was a Walmart loss prevention employee had seen the whole thing and detained him in the parking lot. Cops were called and due to his large size, two pairs of handcuffs were required to hold him.
Bozo criminals for today from Polk County, Florida, thought they had come up with the ultimate plan to rob Walmart. Bozos Tarus Sloan and Genard Dawson entered the store and filled their cart with a load of Christmas gifts, including a motorized Barbie Power Wheel. As they approached the checkout counter, bozo Genard dropped to the floor, clutching his chest and doing his best Fred Sanford imitation. While everyone’s attention was turned to the medical emergency, bozo Tarus headed for the exit and left the store without paying. After about 45 seconds of moaning and groaning, bozo Genard was able to struggle to his feet and walk out of the store. Perfect crime and clean getaway, right? Wrong. Guess they forgot about the security cameras, which caught them reuniting in the parking lot and driving away. Oops. They’ll be spending Christmas in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Shubenacadie, Nova Scotia, Canada, where authorities were investigating a case of vandalism at a wildlife park. The place had been decorated up for Christmas including a replica of Santa’s sleigh, which had been severely damaged. With no leads on who would do such a thing, the cops took a look at surveillance video, and quickly found the culprit. They saw a large reindeer, known to the park officials as Rudolph, approach the sleigh and tear it apart with his antlers before running away. Authorities say the park’s elves were able to repair the sleigh and no charges will be filed against Rudolph.
Bozo criminal for today comes from West Frankfort, Illinois, where bozo Paula Sawyer stole a number of items from Mortie’s Boutique. While our bozo may have a certain fashion sense, that would appear to be the only sense she has. Shortly after the robbery, she posted Facebook selfies of herself wearing the stolen items. What she didn’t realize was that store’s owner had also posted pictures on Facebook…of the stolen items, including the distinctive leopard print dress she was wearing. Several people recognized the dress and contacted the cops. She’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk “Sharkey in the Morning” for sending in the story of a bozo who violated one of the most basic Bozo Rules of them all. Rule number 000043: Don’t be too smart. Police in Nanticoke, Pennsylvania, were investigating multiple residential burglaries. Due to the similarities in the cases, they believed they were all done by the same thief but they had no solid leads. That is, until they received a 911 call from a witness who claimed that he had seen a man fleeing the scene of one of the burglaries. Following up on the call, the cops discovered the man who called in the report had been pulled over for erratic driving in the area of the burglaries and further investigation uncovered that he was under suspicion of commiting a burglary in a nearby town. He was called in for an interview, and eventually he ‘fessed up. Our bozo had placed the call to 911 to try to give the cops a false lead to divert attention from himself. Didn’t work.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Lorne, Yukon, Canada where fire investigators were trying to determine the cause of a house fire. After probing through the damage, they found the remains of a box of “strike anywhere” matches. And on the floor near the matches, the charred remains of a dog bed. Putting two and two together, the investigators asked the homeowners if they had a young dog. The answer was yes. A young dog that would chew on anything? Again yes. A dog that was smart enough to make a quick exit through the doggie door after setting his own bed on fire while chewing on a box of matches? Afraid so. Police say no charges will be filed against Fido and the owners have been advised to buy him a more suitable chew toy.
Bozo criminal for today comes form Town of Dell Prairie, Wisconsin, where the cops pulled over bozo Charles Hampton after observing him weaving across the center line of State Highway 13. A breath alcohol test showed him to be over the legal limit, prompting him to offer up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he had not been drinking, but had eaten beer battered fish for dinner. Sorry, Charlie, that excuse won’t fly. He’s been charged with DWI.
Bozo criminals for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 010096: The back seat of a police cruiser is not the best place to hatch an alibi. Palm Beach Florida police were called to a report of suspicous activity at around 3:30 AM. They found our bozos in a parked car, along with drug paraphernalia and what appeared to be burglary tools. After the cops put them in the back seat of a patrol car, with a security camera in plain view, our bozos went to work formulating an alibi for a burglary that the cops hadn’t even connected them to yet. All of which was recorded. Oops. They’ve been charged with burglary, criminal mischief and grand theft.