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Bozo criminal for today from Red Bay, Alabama violated Bozo Rule Number 0006573: Go to bed early and get plenty of sleep the night before pulling off your crime. Bozo Christoper Taylor walked into a pharmacy armed with a shotgun and took the employees hostage, demanding drugs. Things did not progress as he had hoped and, after a time, he released all the hostages except for the pharmacist, who continued to stall him. As the situation dragged on, our bozo asked for a recliner. When one could not be delivered to him, he pulled some chairs together, laid down, and dozed off. The pharmacist then picked up the shotgun and walked outside. End of situation. The police woke up our bozo and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Yongxing, China, where the cops rounded up a group of suspects in an illegal gambling sting. Wanting to free his friend, our bozo dressed himself up as a police officer and reported to the station house, saying he was looking for one of the suspects to transport him to another facility. Sounds like a pretty good plan, except for two major flaws. Number one, he was drunk and reeked of alcohol. Number two, the friend that he was trying to spring had never been taken into custody in the first place. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Woburn, Massachusetts. Transit police noticed bozo Tim Carter trying to “piggy-back” behind a paying customer and get on to a mass transit vehicle without paying. When they grabbed him to issue a citation for trying to skip the $2.10 fare, they discovered he had an outstanding warrant and took him into custody. It was when he was searched at police headquarters that they discovered our bozo had enough money to have paid that fare. Plenty enough. He was carrying $7000 in cash. He’s under arrest on the outstanding charges, including operating with a suspended license, operating a vehicle with a suspended registration and operating an uninsured vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hobbs, New Mexico, where a homeowner was awakened by noises coming from her kitchen. She walked in to discover bozo Patrick Wells wiping down the countertop and baking a potato in the microwave oven. When she asked him what he was doing, he simply replied “Baking a potato.” She then told him to get out and our bozo proceeded to go outside and began raking leaves in the front yard. The homeowner then persuaded him to stick around by offering to pay him for his services while she called the cops. Police say he was obviously intoxicated and faces charges of burglary, unlawful entry and failure to appear in court on several outstanding warrants.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fruitland, Park, Florida, where bozo Edward Gomez was on a camping trip at Lake Griffin State Park when he called 911 to report a harrassing phone call. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he asked the female dispatcher if she was single and if she liked big muscles. She promptly hung up on him. He then called back two more times to brag about the big muscles he possessed. Cops went to the park where he was camping and found our bozo lying in his tent with a cold beer and a couple of empties by his side. After he got beligerent with the officers, he was charged with battery on an officer and misuse of the 911 system.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 229876: If you’re a flasher, a port-a-potty isn’t the best place to ply your trade. Citizens in Portland, Oregon became fed up with a bozo who kept opening the door of a port-a-potty to expose himself to passersby. So they took matters into their own hands. A group of them got behind the potty and tipped it over, with the door facing down so he was trapped inside. Ick. The cops were called and our feces covered bozo was rescued. It’sll probably be a while before he tries that again.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from Orlando, Florida, where crooks have been taking advantage of the high prices for copper and scrap metal by stealing air conditioning units and selling them for scrap. A lawn-care worker called the cops after noticing the front door of the house where he was mowing the yard was kicked in. Officers found a broken window, two missing air conditioning units and a receipt. That receipt was from a local scrap yard for the sale of copper and metal parts, where our bozo had apparently sold items from a previous burglary. And of course that receipt contained our bozo’s name and address. He’s busted!

Our bozo for today from Somerset, Pennsylvania, came up with one of the dumbest Bozo ideas of all time. He decided to set up a fake drunken-driving checkpoint, while drunk. Cops say he parked his vehicle diagonally across Route 601 and set up road flares early Saturday morning. He then demanded to see a drivers license, registration and insurance papers from any drivers who stopped. When the real cops arrived, our bozo tried to give a BB gun he was carrying to a passenger in a car he had detained, saying “I can’t get caught with this.” That’s the least of his problems. He’s been charged with DUI, impersonating a police officer and unlawful restraint.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hempstead, New York, where our 18-year-old bozo stole $200, electronics and a pair of Air Jordan sneakers from an apartment. He didn’t exactly make a clean getaway, however, as he stopped nearby to try on the new shoes. That’s when a neighbor snapped a picture of our suspect. One thing stood out to the cops in the picture, his bright red underwear which was showing above his sagging pants. A police officer checking out the neighborhood later in the day noticed a man taking a trash bag of garbage out to the dumpster. And as he bent down to dump the trash, he got a clear view of his bright red underwear. Further investigation turned up the stolen items. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Macon, Missouri, where bozo Kalie Mason headed down to the county jail to pay the $10,000 bond of a friend. While inside, deputies noticed her vehicle did not have legal registration on it. Mistake number one. Upon further investigation, they discovered her drivers license was suspended. Mistake number two. And they also discovered she was in possession of various illegal prescription pills. Strike three. Now she needs to come up with TWO bonds.

No real criminals in this morning’s tale but there may be at least a couple of bozos. From the International File in rural northeastern Germany comes the story of police being called to a report of a pack of at least 15 people armed with knives and sticks walking down the side of the road. Thinking they might have an angry mob on their hands six police cars were dispatched to the scene to diffuse the situation. Upon arrival, they found it wasn’t an angry mob at all, instead it was just a group of asparagus harvesters walking along the road with their work tools as they took a lunch break. German residents can sleep soundly tonight knowing all is well.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where an unidentified bozo broke into a vehicle. He rummaged around until he spotted something partially obscured by a piece of paper. He moved the paper,and, voila! He found just what he was looking for…an old pair of sunglasses. He grabbed the glasses and made a successful getaway. This story would not have merited mention in the Bozo Report except for one small thing. That piece of paper he moved to pick up the glasses was an old lottery ticket. But not just any ticket. This one was worth $1 million in the Powerball drawing. The car’s owner’s hadn’t noticed it was a winner until they took a closer look after our bozo’s break in. That’ll buy a lot of sunglasses.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Somerset County, Maine, where our bozo had a good thing going. He would randomly dial numbers in the area and claim to be calling on behalf of the grand jury, saying that the recipient had missed jury duty and would be arrested if he didn’t pay a fine or make a “donation” to the Sheriff’s Department. He would arrange to then personally pick up the money. Of course there was no such policy set up by the police department. Things were going well until he dialed the private line of a Maine state trooper, who told him he knew this was a scam and if he called again he would be arrested. Guess what? He called again. Bad idea. Officers tracked down the number and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York. Bozo Sebastian Clark was an enterprising chef who wanted to expand his business. It was his particular brand of cuisine that got him into trouble. Bozo Clark specialized in pot cookies, which he sold for $10 a pop. He initally sold them on Craigslist but they turned out to be so popular he decided to expand and opened a “shop.” The “shop” was some bushes at the end of a dead end street near his home. Not the best location, but it worked. It worked so well, in fact, that the neighbors got suspicious and called the cops. A sting was set up and an undercover officer purchased one of his tasty treats which led to our Bozo Comment of the Week. As he was being placed under arrest, our bozo is reported to have said, “Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.” Most likely he won’t be allowed to practice his chef skills in jail.

Bozo criminal for today from Lindale, Texas violated Bozo Rule Number 3389038: Teach your children to never prank call 911, especially if you’re a drug dealer. Police responding to a 911 call at a residence arrived to notice a strong smell of marijuana wafting from inside the house and three children playing outside. Inside they found several bricks of marijuana valued at more than $8000. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eastlake, Ohio, where our unidentified 18-year-old bozo ran a red light and the cops gave chase. He then pulled his car into a driveway, jumped out and ran off, with the cops in hot pursuit. He was pretty fleet afoot and managed to give the officers the slip. But, in the best tradition of bozo criminals, he returned to the scene of the crime…to retrieve his hat which he had lost when he jumped out of the car. Bad idea. The cops were still there. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Norfolk, Virginia, needed a job. Really, really, needed a job. He walked into the local McDonalds and asked the manager for an application. The manager explained to him twice that the application process was handled online. Apparently, our bozo needed that job NOW, so he lifted his shirt to show a gun tucked in his waistband. The manager asked our bozo to sit, printed a paper application and called the cops. The only job he got is pushing a broom at the county jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Pleasant Grove, Utah. Bozo Phillip Rodriguez’s girlfriend was in jail and he didn’t have the money for bail, so he took a bozo approach to getting her out. His first mistake was telling his relatives that he was going to rob the local credit union. A member of the family tipped off the cops just as the robbery was taking place. His second mistake was choosing a credit union just blocks away from the police department. His third mistake was fleeing on foot wearing a very obvious disguise, including a wig, fake beard and bushy eyebrows. Needless to say, he stuck out like a sore thumb to the officers as they were headed to the scene of the crime. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Haven, Connecticut, where a woman reported a break-in at her home at about 2:30 a.m. Monday. She told the cops she heard someone in the hallway and, without thinking, asked who was there. Our bozo also replied without thinking, as he shouted back, “Bob.” He then fled out the back door. Neither the homeowner or anyone in the apartment knows “Bob.” Nothing appears to have been stolen and the investigation continues.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wakefield where our unidentified bozo had a very dirty car. So he took it to the local carwash and had it cleaned? Nope? Maybe grabbed a garden hose and gave it a quick rinse off? Nah. Drove down to the big fountain downtown and got himself a free wash from the fountain jets? Yep. He didn’t complete the rinse cycle, however, as the cops saw what was going on and stopped the whole thing. Police have not decided what to charge our bozo with but say the incident is “not acceptable and will not be tolerated.”