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Bozo criminal for today comes from Hamilton, Alberta, Canada, where the cops were called to a report of a sticky substance on the sidewalk. Investigators determined that the substance was maple syrup. End of story, right? Wrong. A witness turned up who was able to identify our syrup spreader. The cops went to his apartment to question the man, with the intention of charging him with criminal mischief. Except…upon arrival they found, that in addition to being in possession of maple syrup, he was also in possession of marijuana. And he was in violation of his probation. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 778423: If you’re already naked when you’re arrested, don’t push it. From Westlake, Ohio, comes the story of bozos Alexandria Mason and Kenneth Greer, who were reported to be naked in a parking lot. By the time the police arrived, our bozos, still naked, were inside their car. Bozo Alex was behind the wheel and eating a slice of pizza while Bozo Ken was in the passenger seat with an open can of beer between his feet. Both where arrested and ordered to get dressed. But the fun didn’t stop there. Bozo Alex was released to a sober family member, but by 3 a.m. she was found wandering down a road after being kicked out of the car for arguing with the person who came to pick her up. She was booked on charges of disorderly conduct while intoxicated. Meanwhile, Bozo Ken, who was on probation for drug possession charges, peed in the back seat of the patrol car. Bad, bad idea. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct while intoxicated, an open container violation, and public indecency.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kingman, Arizona, where the cops were on the lookout for a man they suspeced had illegally dumped 600 pounds of construction and household trash in the desert. A few days later the cops were taking part in a free trash collection event when who should drive up but the very guy they had been looking for. One of the detectives approached our bozo and he quickly admitted to being the illegal dumper. He was also arrested on two unrelated misdemeanor warrants plus the illegal dumping charge.

Bozo Criminal for today from Benton, Arkansas, comes from the Wardrobe Malfunction Department. The cops were looking for bozo Charles Watkins in conjuction with a shooting that left a woman seriously injured. Working on a tip, they tracked him to a local hotel where he was taken into custody without incident. It was the T-shirt he was wearing at the time of his arrest that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Written in big letters across the front of the shirt: “You Can Run But You Can’t Hide.” Very true. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report from Knoxville, Tennessee, where bozo Marvin Brown was a convicted felon, with charges of assault, drug and money laundering. He had been out of jail since 2013, and then he took that unfortunate selfie. The picture showed him holding a Springfield .45 handgun which he then then posted on Facebook. Don’t know how many “likes” the picture got, but it got one big “unlike” from federal prosecutors. You see, one of the provisions of his parole was that he was not to be in possession of any weapons. The jury decided the Facebook photo was evidence enough for them, and our bozo was sent back to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report that wins the Homer Simpson award for sheer stupidity. Police in Lincoln, Nebraska came upon an unusual site, bozo Justin Brown passed out in the front yard of a house with a package of bacon in his pocket and a 42-inch television by his side. A short time later, they received a report of a burglary at a nearby residence. The only items taken? A package of bacon and a flat screen TV. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Whangarei, New Zealand, where our bozo was pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. When officers ran a check on the name the man gave them, they discovered he was wanted for violating conditions of his bail. He was taken to the station house and placed under arrest. When he appeared in court, something unusual happened. Prison officials who were familiar with the wanted man noticed that our bozo was not him. That’s right, this bozo had given the name of a wanted man and then had kept his mouth shut the whole time until he was taken to court. After it was all sorted out, he was charged with driving without a license and giving false statements.

Bozo criminal for today from Red Bay, Alabama violated Bozo Rule Number 0006573: Go to bed early and get plenty of sleep the night before pulling off your crime. Bozo Christoper Taylor walked into a pharmacy armed with a shotgun and took the employees hostage, demanding drugs. Things did not progress as he had hoped and, after a time, he released all the hostages except for the pharmacist, who continued to stall him. As the situation dragged on, our bozo asked for a recliner. When one could not be delivered to him, he pulled some chairs together, laid down, and dozed off. The pharmacist then picked up the shotgun and walked outside. End of situation. The police woke up our bozo and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Yongxing, China, where the cops rounded up a group of suspects in an illegal gambling sting. Wanting to free his friend, our bozo dressed himself up as a police officer and reported to the station house, saying he was looking for one of the suspects to transport him to another facility. Sounds like a pretty good plan, except for two major flaws. Number one, he was drunk and reeked of alcohol. Number two, the friend that he was trying to spring had never been taken into custody in the first place. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Woburn, Massachusetts. Transit police noticed bozo Tim Carter trying to “piggy-back” behind a paying customer and get on to a mass transit vehicle without paying. When they grabbed him to issue a citation for trying to skip the $2.10 fare, they discovered he had an outstanding warrant and took him into custody. It was when he was searched at police headquarters that they discovered our bozo had enough money to have paid that fare. Plenty enough. He was carrying $7000 in cash. He’s under arrest on the outstanding charges, including operating with a suspended license, operating a vehicle with a suspended registration and operating an uninsured vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hobbs, New Mexico, where a homeowner was awakened by noises coming from her kitchen. She walked in to discover bozo Patrick Wells wiping down the countertop and baking a potato in the microwave oven. When she asked him what he was doing, he simply replied “Baking a potato.” She then told him to get out and our bozo proceeded to go outside and began raking leaves in the front yard. The homeowner then persuaded him to stick around by offering to pay him for his services while she called the cops. Police say he was obviously intoxicated and faces charges of burglary, unlawful entry and failure to appear in court on several outstanding warrants.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fruitland, Park, Florida, where bozo Edward Gomez was on a camping trip at Lake Griffin State Park when he called 911 to report a harrassing phone call. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he asked the female dispatcher if she was single and if she liked big muscles. She promptly hung up on him. He then called back two more times to brag about the big muscles he possessed. Cops went to the park where he was camping and found our bozo lying in his tent with a cold beer and a couple of empties by his side. After he got beligerent with the officers, he was charged with battery on an officer and misuse of the 911 system.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 229876: If you’re a flasher, a port-a-potty isn’t the best place to ply your trade. Citizens in Portland, Oregon became fed up with a bozo who kept opening the door of a port-a-potty to expose himself to passersby. So they took matters into their own hands. A group of them got behind the potty and tipped it over, with the door facing down so he was trapped inside. Ick. The cops were called and our feces covered bozo was rescued. It’sll probably be a while before he tries that again.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from Orlando, Florida, where crooks have been taking advantage of the high prices for copper and scrap metal by stealing air conditioning units and selling them for scrap. A lawn-care worker called the cops after noticing the front door of the house where he was mowing the yard was kicked in. Officers found a broken window, two missing air conditioning units and a receipt. That receipt was from a local scrap yard for the sale of copper and metal parts, where our bozo had apparently sold items from a previous burglary. And of course that receipt contained our bozo’s name and address. He’s busted!

Our bozo for today from Somerset, Pennsylvania, came up with one of the dumbest Bozo ideas of all time. He decided to set up a fake drunken-driving checkpoint, while drunk. Cops say he parked his vehicle diagonally across Route 601 and set up road flares early Saturday morning. He then demanded to see a drivers license, registration and insurance papers from any drivers who stopped. When the real cops arrived, our bozo tried to give a BB gun he was carrying to a passenger in a car he had detained, saying “I can’t get caught with this.” That’s the least of his problems. He’s been charged with DUI, impersonating a police officer and unlawful restraint.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hempstead, New York, where our 18-year-old bozo stole $200, electronics and a pair of Air Jordan sneakers from an apartment. He didn’t exactly make a clean getaway, however, as he stopped nearby to try on the new shoes. That’s when a neighbor snapped a picture of our suspect. One thing stood out to the cops in the picture, his bright red underwear which was showing above his sagging pants. A police officer checking out the neighborhood later in the day noticed a man taking a trash bag of garbage out to the dumpster. And as he bent down to dump the trash, he got a clear view of his bright red underwear. Further investigation turned up the stolen items. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Macon, Missouri, where bozo Kalie Mason headed down to the county jail to pay the $10,000 bond of a friend. While inside, deputies noticed her vehicle did not have legal registration on it. Mistake number one. Upon further investigation, they discovered her drivers license was suspended. Mistake number two. And they also discovered she was in possession of various illegal prescription pills. Strike three. Now she needs to come up with TWO bonds.

No real criminals in this morning’s tale but there may be at least a couple of bozos. From the International File in rural northeastern Germany comes the story of police being called to a report of a pack of at least 15 people armed with knives and sticks walking down the side of the road. Thinking they might have an angry mob on their hands six police cars were dispatched to the scene to diffuse the situation. Upon arrival, they found it wasn’t an angry mob at all, instead it was just a group of asparagus harvesters walking along the road with their work tools as they took a lunch break. German residents can sleep soundly tonight knowing all is well.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where an unidentified bozo broke into a vehicle. He rummaged around until he spotted something partially obscured by a piece of paper. He moved the paper,and, voila! He found just what he was looking for…an old pair of sunglasses. He grabbed the glasses and made a successful getaway. This story would not have merited mention in the Bozo Report except for one small thing. That piece of paper he moved to pick up the glasses was an old lottery ticket. But not just any ticket. This one was worth $1 million in the Powerball drawing. The car’s owner’s hadn’t noticed it was a winner until they took a closer look after our bozo’s break in. That’ll buy a lot of sunglasses.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Somerset County, Maine, where our bozo had a good thing going. He would randomly dial numbers in the area and claim to be calling on behalf of the grand jury, saying that the recipient had missed jury duty and would be arrested if he didn’t pay a fine or make a “donation” to the Sheriff’s Department. He would arrange to then personally pick up the money. Of course there was no such policy set up by the police department. Things were going well until he dialed the private line of a Maine state trooper, who told him he knew this was a scam and if he called again he would be arrested. Guess what? He called again. Bad idea. Officers tracked down the number and our bozo was placed under arrest.