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Bozo criminal for today comes from El Reno, Oklahoma, where bozo Jorge Vasquez was pulled over by the cops for weaving and swerving. Our bozo told the cops he was helping move his girlfriend to Georgia and was tired and sleepy. They cops advised him to pull over and take a nap. Then, out of nowhere, our bozo told the cops he wasn’t a criminal and they could search his truck if they wanted to. The cops decided it might be a good idea to take him up on his offer. First, they found a loaded .380 caliber pistol on the front seat. Then, they noticed the manifold of the truck didn’t look exactly right. Inside a very sophisticated hidden compartment they found eight kilos of heroin, about $3 million worth. He should have just taken that nap. He’s busted!

Another example today of a bozo foiled by modern technology, even though it was in a roundabout way. It seems bozo Perry Brunson was attempting to cash a forged check at his local bank when he received a text message on his phone. We’re not not sure what the message was, but it was important enough that our bozo quickly walked out of the bank. Only problem, he left behind the check AND his ID. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where bozo Luis Rodriguez was discharged from the local hospital and didn’t want to walk home. So, he did what any bozo would do. He took a taxi. Except we mean he literally “took” a taxi. He drove off in one that he found unattended with the keys in the ignition. Working on information obtained from the hospital, the cops were able to track down our bozo. In his pocket, they found the keys to the cab. He’s busted! Charged with second degree theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Our bozo made a series of mistakes which led to his arrest. Number one, he did not have a bell on his bicycle, a legal requirement. When the police stopped him, he gave a false name, which led to him being arrested for obstruction of justice. Mistake two. As they were taking him into custody, a knife fell from his pants, mistake three. This led to a search of his backpack, which revealed a sawed-off shotgun, drugs and traffciking paraphernalia. Mistake four. He’s not under arrest, facing charges related to weapons, trafficking, obstruction and breaching conditions. Oh yeah, he also faces charges for not having that bell.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon, where bozo Elizabeth Mason wanted to help her daughter who was in jail on identity theft charges. Her daughter had received permission to get a dental problem taken care of and her mother arrived at the clinic ahead of her. In a scene reminiscent of the Godfather, mom taped something to the back of the toilet in the dental office. Only it wasn’t a gun. Instead mom taped a tampon filled with oxycodone to the pot. But apparently she didn’t use very good tape as the tampon had fallen to the floor and was found by the cops before bozo daughter could get to it. But mom still didn’t give up. Officers overheard a phone conversation in which mom said she would try again on daughter’s second trip to the dentist. The cops were waiting for her this time. She’s joined daughter in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sarasota, Florida, where the cops attempted to pull over a vehicle after they spotted it speeding through a neighborhood. When the car stopped, bozo Relford Green fled on foot. Using a K-9 unit, the cops tracked him to a nearby church, where he was hiding in the bathroom. It was when they began questioning him about his driving that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told police that he was a passenger in the car. He further stated that, in fact, his dog was driving. No dog was found at the scene. He’s been charged with DWI, aggravated fleeing, property damage and obstructing an officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Youngstown, Ohio, where the cops received an unusual phone call. Bozo Troy Hanks called the cops to complain that he had gotten too high from smoking marijuana. When the police arrived, they found our bozo curled up in a fetal position on the floor, surrounded by snacks that included Doritos, Goldfish crackers and Chips Ahoy cookies. They also found a glass jar full of marijuana. The cops apparently took pity on him as he has not yet been charged with a crime.

Bozo criminals for today come from Mesquite, Texas, home of a well known rodeo. Cops were called to a report of a disturbance there but by the time the officers arrived, the participants had fled. On horseback, of course. As you might expect, the sight of two men fleeing on horseback is an unusual sight, even in Texas. The officers caught up to our bozos and turned on their red and blue lights. One bozo pulled his horse over. The other fled at full gallop. While the horse might have been quick, he wasn’t quick enough to avoid the cops. He was quickly caught and both bozos are under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where cops found a stolen Infiniti parked on the street. Inside they found court documents for Bozo Eugene Boyd related to a June auto theft arrest. Yep, apparently he had stolen a car to go to court to pick up his documents about a previous car theft and then had ditched the car with the papers still inside. So, the cops called our and bozo and requested that he come to police headquarters to pick up the documents. He did. In a Hyundai Sonata that he had also stolen. He’s being held without bond.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where the cops answered a 911 call at a residence. Upon arrival, they found 53-year-old bozo Patrick Carter standing outside drinking an alcoholic beverage. He didn’t appear to be in any danger but was definitely upset. When the cops inquired further, he gave them the Bozo 911 Excuse of the Week. He said he called them because his girlfriend would not give him any “ass.” Yep, he called the cops because she wasn’t in the mood for love. He’s een charged with misusing 911.

Bozo criminal for today from Eugene, Oregon was on the run from the cops who wanted her on two outstanding arrest warrants. When the police approached her, she took off running, through her yard, over a fence and onto the property of the Eugene Swim and Tennis Club. At that point she seemed to vanish into thin air. After searching for about 20 minutes, one of the cops decided to check the most unlikely of locations. A port-a-potty. He opened the door. Nothing. He then lifted the lid. Jackpot. Hiding inside he found our bozo. She was pulled out, hosed off and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in St. Joseph, Ontario, Canada, where the cops pulled over bozo Sharon Williams for doing 150 km/h in a 80 km/h zone. When asked what the hurry was, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she was hurrying home to try to see the beautiful sunset. OK. Except for one thing. It was 8:20 in the morning. Hmmm….She’s been charged with speeding.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Livermore Falls, Maine, where Douglas Gray was pulled over by officers responding to a report of a disturbance. Taking a look inside the car, the cops spotted a baggie of what appeared to be marijuana. It was then that Douglas offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that the marijuana couldn’t be his. The reason? He’d just stolen the car. Further investigation found him to be telling the truth. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, broke into a residence and grabbed a laptop computer. As luck would have it, the homeowner walked in and caught him in the act, but was unable to stop him before he hopped on his BMX bicycle for a getaway. He did, however, take note of our bozo’s apparel. A t-shirt with a large Superman logo on it. He was caught a short time later, still wearing the shirt, trying to sell the computer to a man in a car. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Apple Valley, California, wins the award for most creative use of a Maxi Pad. Armed with his, uh, feminine product, our bozo had big plans for robbing the local Battery Mart store. He would use the Maxi Pad as a mask and no one would be able to identify him. Well, maybe, except for the fact that he first peeked through the front window of the store before appying said mask. And that peek was caught on security cameras. Police were quickly able to identify Kotex-boy and place him under arrest.

Our bozo for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance between two men. When they arrived, they found our bozo, bruised and beaten, suffering broken teeth and a gash to the head. It was his explanation for the injuries that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he had been minding his own business when, out of nowhere, he was attacked by a hippopotamus. Yep. a hippo. In Wisconsin. Further investigation revealed that our bozo had been drinking heavily, no surprise, and had gotten into an altercation with another man. He’s been charged with public intoxication.

Our bozo for today form Center Line, Michigan, had no criminal charges filed against him but his insect extermination skills certainly landed him in the Report. Our unidentified bozo was filling up his car at a service station when he noticed a spider hanging out on the fuel door. So what did he do to get rid of it? Squash it? Nope. Flick it off? No way. Take out his cigarette lighter and attempt to set it afire? Yep. What he succeeded in doing was set the gas pump on fire, sending flames onto his car’s side and on the pavement. The clerk shut off the pump and a fire extinguiser was used to put out the fire, but not before the pump was completely destroyed. No word on the fate of the spider.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Albans, Vermont, where Christopher Pope had what many would think would be a dream job, working in a chocolate factory. Apparently, he didn’t think so and he came up with a bozo plan to get himself fired. He stole a cellphone from a co-worker and called in a bomb threat using a different worker’s name. He then tossed the cellphone into a toilet tank. Since he went to all this trouble to keep his identity a secret, we’re not exactly sure how he thought this would get him fired. Maybe he just had confidence in the detective work of the police force. When the cops did get around to questioning him, he quickly confessed and said he did it to get himself terminated. It worked. He probably didn’t figure he would also be charged with false public alarm, petit larceny and unlawful mischief.

Bozo criminals for today from Louisville, Kentucky, used a tried and true method to escape from prison. Or maybe we should say they “tried” to use it. In something straight out of any number of old movies and TV shows, our bozos tied bed sheets together in an attempt to climb down four floors to make their escape. Bozo number one had only made it a short distance before one of the knots came loose, dropping him about 20 feet. Bozo number two saw the error of his ways and didn’t attempt to flee. Bozo two is back in custody while bozo one recuperates from back and ankle injuries in the hospital.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Danville, Kentucky, were police were called to the Kentucky State BBQ Festival after a report of an altercation. Upon investigation, they found an argument had broken out between two of the contestants, who were sharing a cooker. The dispute escalated to the point where bozo Mike Anderson threw a hot brisket at the woman he was arguing with. Even though he admitted he “didn’t want anyone to get hurt” he faces a misdemeanor charge of wanton endangerment.