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Bozo criminal for today comes from Latrobe, Pennsylvania broke into a taxi company where he used to work. In his bungled robbery attempt, he made a number of mistakes. First, he used to work at the place. Two, he wore a sweatshirt with his name stenciled on the front. Third, the whole thing was caught on security camera video. Cops found two guns and two smartphones taken in the robbery at his apartment, along with the sweatshirt. Not surprisingly, they also found marijuana and drug paraphernalia. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. Police in St. Louis, Missouri were called to a report of a trespasser at the Budweiser Brewery. Police say our bozo entered a secured area and got into an altercation with a security guard before the police arrived. They quickly took him into custody and was charged with trespassing and resisting arrest. The cops also discovered that he had been involved in a break-in back in 2014. Not of this is particularly Bozo-worthy except for one thing. His real name. Bud Weisser. Really.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where bozo Samantha Duncan had finally had it up to here with her co-worker. Armed with glitter and silly string, she trashed her co-worker’s cubicle, spraying the stuff and tossing glitter everywhere. In addition she smashed photos and destroyed a computer, scanner, printer and keyboard. Oh, and she also turned in her resignation, which probably wasn’t necessary. Citing the fact that she showed no remorse, the judge waived jail time but put her on 18 months probation. During this time, she’s to stay away from party supply stores.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tempe, Arizona, where bozo Chuck Wilks’ girlfriend was scheduled to be released from prison. Of course, he wanted to be there to pick her up. It was his mode of transportation that got him into trouble. He arrived at the prison in a stolen vehicle. A quick license plate check at the gate alerted the cops. Our bozo tried to offer up the old “but I borrowed the truck” excuse. The cops weren’t buying it. Girlfriend has been released. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Western Australia, where a police officer on a motorcycle pulled up next to our bozo at a stop light. The cop noticed some activity in the car but even he couldn’t believe his eyes. The bozo, wihile stopped at a red light, with a uniformed officer on a motorcycle next to him, was rolling a joint with his car window open. The cop captured the whole thing on his helmet cam. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where bozo Shanice West walked into the local Denny’s and ordered the $4 all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast. Trouble ensued when she began trying to share the pancakes with the whole table. When the waitress tried to explain that it was not a “friends and family” sort of deal, our bozo became beligerent, throwing several punches at the server before she and her party stormed out the door, without paying the tab, of course. And she also gave the door several good kicks, just for good measure. Employees were able to give the cops a description of the getaway car, which led to our bozo being arrested for theft and damage of property and one of her friends being collared for providing the cops with false identification.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Richmond Hill, Ontario, Canada, where our unidentified 27-year-old bozo needed help in getting his car started. So, he did what any bozo would do, he called the cops for help. Which would have been OK, except for the fact that when the police arrived they found the car, running, parked on the shoulder of the road, with our bozo inside, very obviously “impared by alcohol.” He’s been charged with Impared Care or Control of a motor vehicle.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Jacksonville Beach, Florida, where bozo Jacob Martin entered a convenience store in a full Darth Vader costume. Instead of a light saber he was toting a handgun, which he pointed at the clerk while demanding cash. The clerk, obviously not in fear of the Sith Lord, reached behind him and grabbed a jar of blue cheese salad dressing which he hurled at Mr. Vader, striking him dead-on in the helmet. This caused our bozo to beat a hasty retreat, where he was seen outside removing his helmet before getting in his car and driving away. Using eyewitness accounts, the cops were able to track down Darth who was found to be bleeding from the bridge of his nose. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wayne, New Jersey, where bozo Hayley Shurr had been drinking with friends in a bar. When it came time to leave, she noticed a police car parked near the Grasshopper Bar and Grill. Thinking it was too risky to drive, she called a cab, right? Wrong. Maybe used a designated driver? Nope. Called 911 with a false report of a woman being assaulted in the parking lot of nearby bar to distract the officer? Yep. And her plan would have worked…except that she just couldn’t resist bragging about it. She later posted on Facebook, “LMAO…2 minutes later the cop peals out…silly piggies tricks r for u.” Bad idea. The cops monitor Facebook, too. She’s been arrested on charges of filing false reports to law enforcement and creating false public alarm.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Marion County, Florida, where a sheriff’s department helicopter pilot complained that he was temporarily blinded by a laser beam. Investigating officers were surprised to find out what the source of the laser actually was. The cops tracked down bozo Mark Greene, who admitted that he had taken his Bosley Laser Hair Growth Comb outside to experiment with it. Don’t know if the thing will grow hair, but apparently it’s laser is strong enough to shine into a police helicopter overhead. Our bozo is now under arrest, charged with unlawful use of a, er, comb.

Bozo criminals for today from Norfolk, Virginia, violated Bozo Rule Number 330398: First check the backseat, then steal the car. Our two bozos spotted a car left with the keys in the ignition at the local post office. Thinking the opportunity was too good to pass up, they jumped in and drove away. They didn’t get very far before they noticed they had company. A young boy in the back seat. He told them he needed to get to school at Ghent Elementary. Proving that some bozos aren’t all bad, they dropped him off at the school and ditched the car a short distance away. The cops found the kid sitting in the classroom with a smile on his face. Nice guys or not, if the cops find our bozos they’ll be charged with both theft and kidnapping.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California, where our unidentified bozo smuggler had it all planned out. He would wrap the contraband in corn husks and conceal it in his luggage when he arrived at the Los Angeles International Airport. Guess he didn’t account for the increased security these days as eagle-eyed inspectors spotted the illegal cargo almost immediately. The contraband was removed and destroyed and our bozo was fined. And the illegal cargo? Marijuana? Nope. Cocaine, maybe? Nope. Explosives? Nope. Tamales? Yep. It seems it’s illegal to bring foreign meat products into the country. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waco, Texas, where bozo Anthony Swain was in town for the big football game between Baylor and Oklahoma. We’re not sure if he made it to the game, but he certainly made it to the liquor store. Somehow, he ended up on the front steps of the county courthouse at 8:15 a.m. Saturday. Finding the door unlocked, he let himself in and curled up between the counsel rail and the first row seats and went to sleep. It was when the cops arrived in response to the burglar alarm that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers he couldn’t imagine what he had done wrong. It seems he had confused the courthouse with his hotel, the Waco Hilton. He was charged with trespassing and taken to the jail to finish sleeping it off.

Our bozo criminal for today comes from the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C., where there are usually a lot of strange things going on, but this one is a first. Our unidentified victim was standing in line at a convenience store when the woman behind him began backing toward him. When she got within range, she began twerking vigorously in his private area. Shocked by her actions, the victim asked for help from the clerk who replied, “What do you want me to do?” Fearing for his safety, or at least the safety of his privates, the unidentified vicitm fled the scene and called the cops. Using the store’s video surveillance tape, the cops were able to ID the twerking perp. She’s under arrest and charged with third degree sexual abuse.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Odense, Denmark, did what hundreds of bozos before them have attempted to do. Duplicate a daring prison escape, just as seen in the movies. Guards received a report of a disturbance and found wet footprints leading from the enclosure, down a corridor, in what appeared to be a mad rush for freedom. Unfortunately, the corridor turned out to be a dead end as the door at the end was locked. Our bozos were rounded up and taken back to their cage. Yes, cage. The bozos were a group of penguins that were attempting an escape, much like the one seen int he movie Madagascar. Better luck next time, guys.

Our bozos for today come from Fuzhou, China, where Single’s Day is a national holiday featuring sales on online products. Our newlywed couple decided to take advantage of the deals and within two hours had spent $3142, exceeding their credit limit. This might have been fine except for one thing. Upon investigation of what had been bought, they discovered that they hadn’t bought any gifts for each other. Uh-oh. Name calling and insinuations ensued, with the loving couple accusing each other of only buying gifts for themselves and their family and spending hard-earned money on worthless junk. The argument continued until 3 a.m. at which point they called the cops to help settle the dispute. Officers arrrived and defused the situation by telling the kids to spend their money more reasonably. Like maybe on counseling.

Our bozo for today from Alcante, Spain, proves that motherly love knows no bounds. Our 73-year-old bozo, who shall remain unidentified, paid a visit to her son who was a prisoner in Fontcalent prison. And she came bearing gifts. It’s what the gifts were and where she concealed them that got her in trouble. She took small doses of cocaine and heroin, as well as tranquilizers, and hid them inside a Kinder Egg, a popular egg shapedchocolate treat. She then wrapped the egg in a condom and inserted it in, um, a very private area. Her plan went awry when the guards announced she would be frisked before entering the prison. At which time she popped out the egg and handed it to prison guards. Whew. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kobe, Japan, where our bozo weirdo had a fetish for taking pictures of women in their underwear, specifically the “upskirt” variety. So, at 3 a.m., when there was no one around, he lowered himself through a sewer grate in the sidewalk and positioned himself so he could take some rush hour pictures. So far, so good. And then daylight arrived and one of the pedesterians noticed our bozo’s hair sticking out through the grate and called the cops. Oops. He’s busted!

Our bozo for today is not a criminal, but he does prove that some things are better left to a professional. From the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, police, ambulances and the fire department were called to a report of a loud explosion and a shirless man brandishing what appeared to be a weapon. Upon arrival, the cops couldn’t find anything amiss. The only thing they saw was a shirtless man placing a large piece of plastic over his open window. Upon questioning, they discovered that the man was making an unsuccessful attempt at some home improvements. He explained that he was home alone trying to hang some curtains, when he dropped his power drill. The drill fell through the window, shattering it and landing on a tin roof below with a loud boom. He was left to put a sheet of plastic over his broken window while he found someone who hopefully knows how to replace a window AND hang a curtain.

Our bozo criminal for today from Daytona Beach, Florida where bozo Justin Green had a target and a plan. He targeted the Hibachi Grill and Supreme Buffet for robbery. But not just any stick-up. Instead, he planned to crawl through the ceiling and drop into the manager’s office, where he would steal the night’s recepts. Two flaws in the plan. One:his timing. He chose to crawl through the ceiling during the 6pm rush hour at the restaurant. Second flaw: his weight. Restaurant patrons complained they could hear noises coming from above just before he came crashing through, landing on a shocked diner. Oh, and even if he had made it to the office, the receipts are placed in a locked safe. He’s under arrest.