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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from New Port Richey, Florida. Bozo Nicolas Jeffrey came up with what he thought was a foolproof plan to defraud people needing auto repairs. He would drive through neighborhoods and parking lots looking for cars that needed body repair work. He would then offer to do it for a low fee, getting cash up front. He would then apply some body compound and wax and say he would return the next day to finish the job when the bonding compound had hardened. Of course, he never returned. It was what he used for bonding compound that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He would patch the cars with…Play-Doh. He’s been charged with retail theft and scheming to defraud.

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 000050: Do not copy things Santa does in the committing of a crime. Police in Encinitas, California received a call from an Amazon.com delivery driver who said someone was following his truck and picking up packages he dropped off at homes. The police tracked down the Dodge Charger and pulled over a man and woman bozo team. Inside the vehicle they found five stolen packages, drugs, methamphetamine, heroin, a gun and stolen mail addressed to 13 people. Oh, they also found a hand written “to-do” list. One of the items on the list was “steal mail and shoplift.” They’re under arrest.

Today’s bozo from Greenville, North Carolina could only have happened during the holiday season. It seems a 34-year-old mother of three, who shall remain unidentified, wanted to bake some Christmas cookies for her kids but was a little short of funds. So, she shoplifted a can of cookie dough. It was how she did it that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. CCTV footage from the store shows her taking the can to the toy aisle and, as her kids surrounded her, she lifted her skirt and, to put it delicately, made the can of dough “disappear.” She was confronted by Walmart security as she tried to exit the store. A scuffle ensued, resulting in our bozo falling to the floor. When she hit the ground, the guard reported hearing a loud “pop” and our bozo began screaming. Yep, the can of cookie dough exploded inside her most private region. She was treated by EMT personnel and taken to the hospital where the poppin’ fresh remains were removed. During the removal, the doctors also reported finding candy sprinkles and a number 6 birthday candle. She did not suffer any serious injuries and was taken to the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester, Minnesota, where bozo Charles Hampton successfully robbed the Sterling State Bank. Thinking this was just too easy, he returned the very next day to rob it again. Guess he didn’t notice the TV crew standing out front doing a story on the previous robbery. Bank employees pointed him out as he ran out of the bank and, with the help of the TV crew’s video footage, our bozo was quickly captured.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Deltona, Florida, where 22-year-old bozo Eryn Rucker escaped from a deputy who’d arrested her for shoplifting. Finding what she thought was an empty home, she broke in, washed her clothes, showered, put on a pair of pajamas she found and took a nap. Her troubles began when the 73-year-old woman who lived at the place with her husband, who was out playing golf, returned home. She found our bozo in his pajamas and immediately imagined the worst. Fortunately, her husband returned home minutes later and convinced his wife that he’d never seen the woman before in his life (but thanks for thinking he could hook up with a 22-year-old). Not suspecting that she was on the run, the trusting couple drove our bozo home before thinking better of things and calling the cops. She’s now under arrest for shoplifting and breaking and entering.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jersey City, New Jersey. Remember that location, it’s important. The cops noticed our bozo pull her Volkswagen Beetle to the side of the road near the Holland Tunnel. When she got out of the car and began wandering around, the officer pulled up and asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was “looking for New Jersey.” She continued to say she was looking for New Jersey even after the cops pointed out to her that she was already in New Jersey. She was given a blood test and, big surprise, she was found to be intoxicated. She’s under arrest.

It’s the holiday season and we can only assume our bozo from Coachella, California thought it would be a good time to carjack a FedEX truck. Unfortunately, he made a number of mistakes. First, he forgot his clothes. A FedEx driver said he was approached by a naked bozo who demanded the keys to the vehicle. The driver gave up the keys and ran to a nearby residence to call the cops. Our bozo was able to get the truck started, but apparently couldn’t figure out how to get it in gear, and after trying for a while, jumped out of the truck and fled on foot. Not surprisingly, it was not to hard to find a fleeing, naked man. He’s under arrest facing carjacking charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Edgewater, Florida, where Jasper Brown had a nice marijuana operation going. He had a storage unit with nine plants growing under artificial light. And, like many pot smokers, he was just a teeny bit paranoid. He was tending his crop when he heard a helicopter hovering nearby. And, of course, he assumed the helicopter was looking for him. So, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 and told the operator he was “the guy” they were looking for and wanted to come out without getting shot. He even gave the dispatcher directions to the correct unit, where cops found the plants along with 150 grams of cultivated marijuana. He’s been charged with growing marijuana within 1000 feet of a school with intent to sell. Oh, one thing we forgot to mention. The cops had no idea our bozo was there. The helicopter was in the neighborhood to investigate an unrelated suspicious death. Oops.

Here at the Bozo Report, we generally try to leave stories involving fatalities to the Darwin Awards, but we just can’t omit this one From Melbourne, Florida comes the story of a bozo thief, who shall remain unidentified out of respect to his family. He left home and told his girlfriend he was going out to commit some burglaries. The cops were called to the area after reports of a man in black being seen prowling the neighborhood. Deputies reported hearing “yelling” but could not find the source of the sound. The next morning when his girlfriend reported our bozo had not returned home, the cops returned to the area and made a gruesome discovery. It seems our bozo had an unfortunate encounter with an alligator when he ran into the swamp to hide from the cops. Gator had an unfortunate end as well, as he was euthanized so that the remains could be removed for identification. RIP, the both of you.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Latrobe, Pennsylvania broke into a taxi company where he used to work. In his bungled robbery attempt, he made a number of mistakes. First, he used to work at the place. Two, he wore a sweatshirt with his name stenciled on the front. Third, the whole thing was caught on security camera video. Cops found two guns and two smartphones taken in the robbery at his apartment, along with the sweatshirt. Not surprisingly, they also found marijuana and drug paraphernalia. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. Police in St. Louis, Missouri were called to a report of a trespasser at the Budweiser Brewery. Police say our bozo entered a secured area and got into an altercation with a security guard before the police arrived. They quickly took him into custody and was charged with trespassing and resisting arrest. The cops also discovered that he had been involved in a break-in back in 2014. Not of this is particularly Bozo-worthy except for one thing. His real name. Bud Weisser. Really.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where bozo Samantha Duncan had finally had it up to here with her co-worker. Armed with glitter and silly string, she trashed her co-worker’s cubicle, spraying the stuff and tossing glitter everywhere. In addition she smashed photos and destroyed a computer, scanner, printer and keyboard. Oh, and she also turned in her resignation, which probably wasn’t necessary. Citing the fact that she showed no remorse, the judge waived jail time but put her on 18 months probation. During this time, she’s to stay away from party supply stores.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tempe, Arizona, where bozo Chuck Wilks’ girlfriend was scheduled to be released from prison. Of course, he wanted to be there to pick her up. It was his mode of transportation that got him into trouble. He arrived at the prison in a stolen vehicle. A quick license plate check at the gate alerted the cops. Our bozo tried to offer up the old “but I borrowed the truck” excuse. The cops weren’t buying it. Girlfriend has been released. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Western Australia, where a police officer on a motorcycle pulled up next to our bozo at a stop light. The cop noticed some activity in the car but even he couldn’t believe his eyes. The bozo, wihile stopped at a red light, with a uniformed officer on a motorcycle next to him, was rolling a joint with his car window open. The cop captured the whole thing on his helmet cam. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where bozo Shanice West walked into the local Denny’s and ordered the $4 all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast. Trouble ensued when she began trying to share the pancakes with the whole table. When the waitress tried to explain that it was not a “friends and family” sort of deal, our bozo became beligerent, throwing several punches at the server before she and her party stormed out the door, without paying the tab, of course. And she also gave the door several good kicks, just for good measure. Employees were able to give the cops a description of the getaway car, which led to our bozo being arrested for theft and damage of property and one of her friends being collared for providing the cops with false identification.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Richmond Hill, Ontario, Canada, where our unidentified 27-year-old bozo needed help in getting his car started. So, he did what any bozo would do, he called the cops for help. Which would have been OK, except for the fact that when the police arrived they found the car, running, parked on the shoulder of the road, with our bozo inside, very obviously “impared by alcohol.” He’s been charged with Impared Care or Control of a motor vehicle.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Jacksonville Beach, Florida, where bozo Jacob Martin entered a convenience store in a full Darth Vader costume. Instead of a light saber he was toting a handgun, which he pointed at the clerk while demanding cash. The clerk, obviously not in fear of the Sith Lord, reached behind him and grabbed a jar of blue cheese salad dressing which he hurled at Mr. Vader, striking him dead-on in the helmet. This caused our bozo to beat a hasty retreat, where he was seen outside removing his helmet before getting in his car and driving away. Using eyewitness accounts, the cops were able to track down Darth who was found to be bleeding from the bridge of his nose. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wayne, New Jersey, where bozo Hayley Shurr had been drinking with friends in a bar. When it came time to leave, she noticed a police car parked near the Grasshopper Bar and Grill. Thinking it was too risky to drive, she called a cab, right? Wrong. Maybe used a designated driver? Nope. Called 911 with a false report of a woman being assaulted in the parking lot of nearby bar to distract the officer? Yep. And her plan would have worked…except that she just couldn’t resist bragging about it. She later posted on Facebook, “LMAO…2 minutes later the cop peals out…silly piggies tricks r for u.” Bad idea. The cops monitor Facebook, too. She’s been arrested on charges of filing false reports to law enforcement and creating false public alarm.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Marion County, Florida, where a sheriff’s department helicopter pilot complained that he was temporarily blinded by a laser beam. Investigating officers were surprised to find out what the source of the laser actually was. The cops tracked down bozo Mark Greene, who admitted that he had taken his Bosley Laser Hair Growth Comb outside to experiment with it. Don’t know if the thing will grow hair, but apparently it’s laser is strong enough to shine into a police helicopter overhead. Our bozo is now under arrest, charged with unlawful use of a, er, comb.

Bozo criminals for today from Norfolk, Virginia, violated Bozo Rule Number 330398: First check the backseat, then steal the car. Our two bozos spotted a car left with the keys in the ignition at the local post office. Thinking the opportunity was too good to pass up, they jumped in and drove away. They didn’t get very far before they noticed they had company. A young boy in the back seat. He told them he needed to get to school at Ghent Elementary. Proving that some bozos aren’t all bad, they dropped him off at the school and ditched the car a short distance away. The cops found the kid sitting in the classroom with a smile on his face. Nice guys or not, if the cops find our bozos they’ll be charged with both theft and kidnapping.