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Bozo criminal for today from St. Augustine, Florida, violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 3302239: If you’re shoplifting from Walmart, it’s not a good idea to have a meth lab in your getaway car. Bozo James Sparks loaded $1700 worth of stuff in his shopping cart and left without paying. Needless to say this attracted the attention of security guards who called the cops. The cops arrived to find our bozo loading the stuff into his SUV, which also contained a “one-pot” meth lab inside. And to make matters worse, it wasn’t even his car, he had “borrowed” if from a friend. After going through a decontamination procedure our bozo was taken to jail.

It is the cold and flu season, as our bozo for today from Channahon, Illinois, will confirm. Bozo Melissa Abrams was in a Will County Courtroom on charges of DUI when she began causing problems, putting her feet on the seats and speaking loudly while the judge was on the bench. When the judge told her to be quiet, our bozo stood up, approached the bailiff, and sneezed directly in his face, leaving a trail of “mucous-like substance” on the bailiff. Yuck. She was jailed on a assault charge.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Pedro, California, where bozo Denise Adams walked into a bank armed with a stick and demanded money. Yes, she pointed a stick at the teller and asked for cash. Not surprisingly, the teller told her to get lost and she walked away, with the bank’s security guard following her. The guard called the cops and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pembroke Pines, Florida, where bozo Bryan Lawson is accused of breaking into one residence there and attempting another break-in before fleeing in a stolen car. Our bozo didn’t get very far before he crashed the car into a truck. Uninjured, he fled End of story, right? Wrong. Police were on the scene investigating when our bozo returned and attempted to retrieve a bottle of iced tea he had left in the vehicle. Bad idea. He’s under arrest.

Our bozo criminal for today from St. Paul, Minnesota, comes from the Adding Insult to Injury Department. After last weekend’s heartbreaking loss by the Minnesota Vikings to the Seattle Seahawks, police were called to a report of a break-in at the unoccupied police station on the Minnesota State Fairgrounds. An officer arrived at the scene and discovered a locked door had been forced open. He called for backup and officers quickly surrounded the building. Our bozo was ordered to come out with his hands up, which he did, with some difficulty. The reason soon became obvious. Our bozo was an extremely drunken Vikings fan who had confused the building with his residence. Yep, he was dead drunk and thought the police station on the fairgrounds was his house. Trespassing charges are pending.

Our bozo for today was tripped up by his own vanity. From Lima, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Donald Pugh, who was wanted by the cops for failure to appear in court on a drunk driving charge. After the cops posted our bozo’s mugshot on social media, they received a surprising reply. Our bozo sent them a new selfie, which he said was a much better picture, complaining that the other one was “terrible.” Bad idea. The new photo led to him being grabbed by the cops in Florida, who recognized him from the selfie. He’s now under arrest on a variety of charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mickey Bunn for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee, who violated Bozo Rule Number 43432: It’s not usually a good idea to steal something that is easily identified as belonging to a celebrity. Bozo Darnell Carson broke into a car belonging to country music star Kacey Musgraves who is known for wearing flashy cowboy boots on stage. Our bozo grabbed a bag containing two pair of boots and the receipts, worth about $900. So, he did what any bozo would do. He headed straight back to the store where Ms. Musgraves had purchased them, and tried to return them. Only problem, the manager of the store recognized the boots and noticed Musgraves’ name on the receipt. He called the cops, who grabbed our bozo as he attempted to flee.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bay City, Michigan where bozo William Carver wanted to marry his girlfriend, Sherri Mason. And he wanted to do it up right, so he proposed where any bozo would do it, at the local Walmart. He used the store’s loudspeaker to propose as he got down on one knee and popped the question. Fellow shoppers applauded after she said yes. The applause ended quickly when store surveillance cameras caught our bozo shoplifting after the ceremony, stealing a necklace and earrings. The loving couple then headed to the nearby Spencer’s store where they shoplifted $80 bucks worth of stuff, including “Bride to Be” thong panties, edible underwear and a vibrating sex toy. The cops arrested the bride as she was walking down the mall. The groom was busted in the food court, where he apparently fell asleep while tying his shoes. They’ve been charged with retail fraud and larceny.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for giving us a different take on a familiar bozo theme. Today’s bozo was foiled by old-fashioned technology. From Tonawanda, New York, comes the story of bozo Robert Shaw who, armed with a gun, walked into the local 7-11 and demanded cash. A customer in the parking lot spotted what was going on and grabbed that most old-fashioned of weapons, a big flashlight. He snuck up behind our bozo and clubbed him, knocking him to the ground and sending his gun flying. The customer grabbed the gun and our bozo made a hasty retreat. The cops took one look and immediately recognized our bozo, who was quickly placed under arrest, nursing a nasty headache. The cops commended our customer’s efforts, but neither they nor the Bozo Report recommend it.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Delray Beach, Florida. Bozo Alexander West walked into the local Wal-Mart and headed for the store manager’s office. He then removed a garbage bag from a trash can and proceeded to fill it with numerous electronic items. He tossed the bag over his shoulder, Santa style, and headed back out into the store. Not surprisingly, by this time the security guards had called the cops, who had a few questions for him. He told the cops he had come to the store to apply for a mystery shopper position because it “seems like a cool job” and was just in the manager’s office looking for a job application. He had no explanation for the bag of electronics he was carrying or the gun, heroin, Xanax and other drugs found in his possession. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Detroit, Michigan forgot basic Bozo Rule Number 000445: Always have your escape route planned out. Our 15-year-old bozo, who shall remain unnamed, walked into a Chase bank and demanded cash, telling the teller he had a bomb. The teller complied, and our bozo headed for the exit, not realizing that the teller was one step ahead of him. When he went through the first set of doors, the teller activated the electronic locks. Click! The front door locked! Click! The door into the bank locked, leaving our bozo trapped in the entryway between the two doors. He was still in captivity when the cops arrived to place him under arrest.

Once again today we have a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Pacific Grove, California, comes the story of bozo Victor Gonzalez who, along with three friends, approached a car and ordered the passengers out of the vehicle at gunpoint. Our bozo then robbed the victims, but before stealing the car our bozo struck up a conversation with one female occupant of the car. He exchanged Snapchat handles with her and snapped a selfie with her, which he then sent to the victim. Bad idea. The cops ID’ed our bozo from the Snapchat selfie and he was arrested and charged with armed robbery, kidnapping, possession of stolen property, conspiriacy, violation of probation and gang enhancements.

The best of the holiday season to everyone!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Holiday Rule Number 00001: A christmas tree is not a good hiding place, unless you’re a squirrel. Our bozo for today from Bend, Oregon, held up a credit union, getting away with $1373. He had honorable plans for the money, hoping to pay his mother back $400 he had lost gambling, pay the rent, buy Christmas presents and a Christmas tree. He was only able to buy a tree before the FBI caught up with him. Agents say he tried to use the tree to hide his face when he was stopped by the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waynesboro, Virginia, where bozo Kyle Carpenter had some pot, but nothing to smoke it in. So he did what any bozo would do. He dialed 911. And asked if the cops could bring him some rolling papers. The police were dispatched, but not for the reason he hoped. When they arrived, they found our bozo sitting in his pickup truck, with loose particles of marijuana on the dashboard, the car’s seat, his clothing and in his right ear. He offered the excuse he thought he was calling a friend. They didn’t buy it, not even at the holiday season. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Christchurch, New Zealand. Our bozo entered a restaurant and placed an order to-go, paying the clerk $9.82 in advance for the meal. While the meal was being prepared, our bozo grabbed the tip jar and fled, without waiting for his food. While this may seem to be a successful crime, please remember he paid for the meal in advance, a total of $9.82. And remember, he didn’t wait for his food before fleeing with the tip jar, which contained $6.77. Net loss: $3.05.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from New Port Richey, Florida. Bozo Nicolas Jeffrey came up with what he thought was a foolproof plan to defraud people needing auto repairs. He would drive through neighborhoods and parking lots looking for cars that needed body repair work. He would then offer to do it for a low fee, getting cash up front. He would then apply some body compound and wax and say he would return the next day to finish the job when the bonding compound had hardened. Of course, he never returned. It was what he used for bonding compound that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He would patch the cars with…Play-Doh. He’s been charged with retail theft and scheming to defraud.

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 000050: Do not copy things Santa does in the committing of a crime. Police in Encinitas, California received a call from an Amazon.com delivery driver who said someone was following his truck and picking up packages he dropped off at homes. The police tracked down the Dodge Charger and pulled over a man and woman bozo team. Inside the vehicle they found five stolen packages, drugs, methamphetamine, heroin, a gun and stolen mail addressed to 13 people. Oh, they also found a hand written “to-do” list. One of the items on the list was “steal mail and shoplift.” They’re under arrest.

Today’s bozo from Greenville, North Carolina could only have happened during the holiday season. It seems a 34-year-old mother of three, who shall remain unidentified, wanted to bake some Christmas cookies for her kids but was a little short of funds. So, she shoplifted a can of cookie dough. It was how she did it that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. CCTV footage from the store shows her taking the can to the toy aisle and, as her kids surrounded her, she lifted her skirt and, to put it delicately, made the can of dough “disappear.” She was confronted by Walmart security as she tried to exit the store. A scuffle ensued, resulting in our bozo falling to the floor. When she hit the ground, the guard reported hearing a loud “pop” and our bozo began screaming. Yep, the can of cookie dough exploded inside her most private region. She was treated by EMT personnel and taken to the hospital where the poppin’ fresh remains were removed. During the removal, the doctors also reported finding candy sprinkles and a number 6 birthday candle. She did not suffer any serious injuries and was taken to the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester, Minnesota, where bozo Charles Hampton successfully robbed the Sterling State Bank. Thinking this was just too easy, he returned the very next day to rob it again. Guess he didn’t notice the TV crew standing out front doing a story on the previous robbery. Bank employees pointed him out as he ran out of the bank and, with the help of the TV crew’s video footage, our bozo was quickly captured.