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Our bozo for today was tripped up by his own vanity. From Lima, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Donald Pugh, who was wanted by the cops for failure to appear in court on a drunk driving charge. After the cops posted our bozo’s mugshot on social media, they received a surprising reply. Our bozo sent them a new selfie, which he said was a much better picture, complaining that the other one was “terrible.” Bad idea. The new photo led to him being grabbed by the cops in Florida, who recognized him from the selfie. He’s now under arrest on a variety of charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mickey Bunn for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee, who violated Bozo Rule Number 43432: It’s not usually a good idea to steal something that is easily identified as belonging to a celebrity. Bozo Darnell Carson broke into a car belonging to country music star Kacey Musgraves who is known for wearing flashy cowboy boots on stage. Our bozo grabbed a bag containing two pair of boots and the receipts, worth about $900. So, he did what any bozo would do. He headed straight back to the store where Ms. Musgraves had purchased them, and tried to return them. Only problem, the manager of the store recognized the boots and noticed Musgraves’ name on the receipt. He called the cops, who grabbed our bozo as he attempted to flee.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bay City, Michigan where bozo William Carver wanted to marry his girlfriend, Sherri Mason. And he wanted to do it up right, so he proposed where any bozo would do it, at the local Walmart. He used the store’s loudspeaker to propose as he got down on one knee and popped the question. Fellow shoppers applauded after she said yes. The applause ended quickly when store surveillance cameras caught our bozo shoplifting after the ceremony, stealing a necklace and earrings. The loving couple then headed to the nearby Spencer’s store where they shoplifted $80 bucks worth of stuff, including “Bride to Be” thong panties, edible underwear and a vibrating sex toy. The cops arrested the bride as she was walking down the mall. The groom was busted in the food court, where he apparently fell asleep while tying his shoes. They’ve been charged with retail fraud and larceny.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for giving us a different take on a familiar bozo theme. Today’s bozo was foiled by old-fashioned technology. From Tonawanda, New York, comes the story of bozo Robert Shaw who, armed with a gun, walked into the local 7-11 and demanded cash. A customer in the parking lot spotted what was going on and grabbed that most old-fashioned of weapons, a big flashlight. He snuck up behind our bozo and clubbed him, knocking him to the ground and sending his gun flying. The customer grabbed the gun and our bozo made a hasty retreat. The cops took one look and immediately recognized our bozo, who was quickly placed under arrest, nursing a nasty headache. The cops commended our customer’s efforts, but neither they nor the Bozo Report recommend it.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Delray Beach, Florida. Bozo Alexander West walked into the local Wal-Mart and headed for the store manager’s office. He then removed a garbage bag from a trash can and proceeded to fill it with numerous electronic items. He tossed the bag over his shoulder, Santa style, and headed back out into the store. Not surprisingly, by this time the security guards had called the cops, who had a few questions for him. He told the cops he had come to the store to apply for a mystery shopper position because it “seems like a cool job” and was just in the manager’s office looking for a job application. He had no explanation for the bag of electronics he was carrying or the gun, heroin, Xanax and other drugs found in his possession. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Detroit, Michigan forgot basic Bozo Rule Number 000445: Always have your escape route planned out. Our 15-year-old bozo, who shall remain unnamed, walked into a Chase bank and demanded cash, telling the teller he had a bomb. The teller complied, and our bozo headed for the exit, not realizing that the teller was one step ahead of him. When he went through the first set of doors, the teller activated the electronic locks. Click! The front door locked! Click! The door into the bank locked, leaving our bozo trapped in the entryway between the two doors. He was still in captivity when the cops arrived to place him under arrest.

Once again today we have a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Pacific Grove, California, comes the story of bozo Victor Gonzalez who, along with three friends, approached a car and ordered the passengers out of the vehicle at gunpoint. Our bozo then robbed the victims, but before stealing the car our bozo struck up a conversation with one female occupant of the car. He exchanged Snapchat handles with her and snapped a selfie with her, which he then sent to the victim. Bad idea. The cops ID’ed our bozo from the Snapchat selfie and he was arrested and charged with armed robbery, kidnapping, possession of stolen property, conspiriacy, violation of probation and gang enhancements.

The best of the holiday season to everyone!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Holiday Rule Number 00001: A christmas tree is not a good hiding place, unless you’re a squirrel. Our bozo for today from Bend, Oregon, held up a credit union, getting away with $1373. He had honorable plans for the money, hoping to pay his mother back $400 he had lost gambling, pay the rent, buy Christmas presents and a Christmas tree. He was only able to buy a tree before the FBI caught up with him. Agents say he tried to use the tree to hide his face when he was stopped by the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waynesboro, Virginia, where bozo Kyle Carpenter had some pot, but nothing to smoke it in. So he did what any bozo would do. He dialed 911. And asked if the cops could bring him some rolling papers. The police were dispatched, but not for the reason he hoped. When they arrived, they found our bozo sitting in his pickup truck, with loose particles of marijuana on the dashboard, the car’s seat, his clothing and in his right ear. He offered the excuse he thought he was calling a friend. They didn’t buy it, not even at the holiday season. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Christchurch, New Zealand. Our bozo entered a restaurant and placed an order to-go, paying the clerk $9.82 in advance for the meal. While the meal was being prepared, our bozo grabbed the tip jar and fled, without waiting for his food. While this may seem to be a successful crime, please remember he paid for the meal in advance, a total of $9.82. And remember, he didn’t wait for his food before fleeing with the tip jar, which contained $6.77. Net loss: $3.05.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from New Port Richey, Florida. Bozo Nicolas Jeffrey came up with what he thought was a foolproof plan to defraud people needing auto repairs. He would drive through neighborhoods and parking lots looking for cars that needed body repair work. He would then offer to do it for a low fee, getting cash up front. He would then apply some body compound and wax and say he would return the next day to finish the job when the bonding compound had hardened. Of course, he never returned. It was what he used for bonding compound that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He would patch the cars with…Play-Doh. He’s been charged with retail theft and scheming to defraud.

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 000050: Do not copy things Santa does in the committing of a crime. Police in Encinitas, California received a call from an Amazon.com delivery driver who said someone was following his truck and picking up packages he dropped off at homes. The police tracked down the Dodge Charger and pulled over a man and woman bozo team. Inside the vehicle they found five stolen packages, drugs, methamphetamine, heroin, a gun and stolen mail addressed to 13 people. Oh, they also found a hand written “to-do” list. One of the items on the list was “steal mail and shoplift.” They’re under arrest.

Today’s bozo from Greenville, North Carolina could only have happened during the holiday season. It seems a 34-year-old mother of three, who shall remain unidentified, wanted to bake some Christmas cookies for her kids but was a little short of funds. So, she shoplifted a can of cookie dough. It was how she did it that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. CCTV footage from the store shows her taking the can to the toy aisle and, as her kids surrounded her, she lifted her skirt and, to put it delicately, made the can of dough “disappear.” She was confronted by Walmart security as she tried to exit the store. A scuffle ensued, resulting in our bozo falling to the floor. When she hit the ground, the guard reported hearing a loud “pop” and our bozo began screaming. Yep, the can of cookie dough exploded inside her most private region. She was treated by EMT personnel and taken to the hospital where the poppin’ fresh remains were removed. During the removal, the doctors also reported finding candy sprinkles and a number 6 birthday candle. She did not suffer any serious injuries and was taken to the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester, Minnesota, where bozo Charles Hampton successfully robbed the Sterling State Bank. Thinking this was just too easy, he returned the very next day to rob it again. Guess he didn’t notice the TV crew standing out front doing a story on the previous robbery. Bank employees pointed him out as he ran out of the bank and, with the help of the TV crew’s video footage, our bozo was quickly captured.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Deltona, Florida, where 22-year-old bozo Eryn Rucker escaped from a deputy who’d arrested her for shoplifting. Finding what she thought was an empty home, she broke in, washed her clothes, showered, put on a pair of pajamas she found and took a nap. Her troubles began when the 73-year-old woman who lived at the place with her husband, who was out playing golf, returned home. She found our bozo in his pajamas and immediately imagined the worst. Fortunately, her husband returned home minutes later and convinced his wife that he’d never seen the woman before in his life (but thanks for thinking he could hook up with a 22-year-old). Not suspecting that she was on the run, the trusting couple drove our bozo home before thinking better of things and calling the cops. She’s now under arrest for shoplifting and breaking and entering.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jersey City, New Jersey. Remember that location, it’s important. The cops noticed our bozo pull her Volkswagen Beetle to the side of the road near the Holland Tunnel. When she got out of the car and began wandering around, the officer pulled up and asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was “looking for New Jersey.” She continued to say she was looking for New Jersey even after the cops pointed out to her that she was already in New Jersey. She was given a blood test and, big surprise, she was found to be intoxicated. She’s under arrest.

It’s the holiday season and we can only assume our bozo from Coachella, California thought it would be a good time to carjack a FedEX truck. Unfortunately, he made a number of mistakes. First, he forgot his clothes. A FedEx driver said he was approached by a naked bozo who demanded the keys to the vehicle. The driver gave up the keys and ran to a nearby residence to call the cops. Our bozo was able to get the truck started, but apparently couldn’t figure out how to get it in gear, and after trying for a while, jumped out of the truck and fled on foot. Not surprisingly, it was not to hard to find a fleeing, naked man. He’s under arrest facing carjacking charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Edgewater, Florida, where Jasper Brown had a nice marijuana operation going. He had a storage unit with nine plants growing under artificial light. And, like many pot smokers, he was just a teeny bit paranoid. He was tending his crop when he heard a helicopter hovering nearby. And, of course, he assumed the helicopter was looking for him. So, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 and told the operator he was “the guy” they were looking for and wanted to come out without getting shot. He even gave the dispatcher directions to the correct unit, where cops found the plants along with 150 grams of cultivated marijuana. He’s been charged with growing marijuana within 1000 feet of a school with intent to sell. Oh, one thing we forgot to mention. The cops had no idea our bozo was there. The helicopter was in the neighborhood to investigate an unrelated suspicious death. Oops.

Here at the Bozo Report, we generally try to leave stories involving fatalities to the Darwin Awards, but we just can’t omit this one From Melbourne, Florida comes the story of a bozo thief, who shall remain unidentified out of respect to his family. He left home and told his girlfriend he was going out to commit some burglaries. The cops were called to the area after reports of a man in black being seen prowling the neighborhood. Deputies reported hearing “yelling” but could not find the source of the sound. The next morning when his girlfriend reported our bozo had not returned home, the cops returned to the area and made a gruesome discovery. It seems our bozo had an unfortunate encounter with an alligator when he ran into the swamp to hide from the cops. Gator had an unfortunate end as well, as he was euthanized so that the remains could be removed for identification. RIP, the both of you.