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Bozo criminal for today from Victorville, California, violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 330098: When stealing a train, don’t toot your own horn. San Bernardino County Sheriff’s officers were called at 2 a.m. to a report of a train’s horn sounding for more than 10 minutes. Upon arrival they found 45-year-old bozo Shawna Nichols in the cab of the Burlington Northern-Santa Fe train, happily blowing the horn, with the engine running. She told officers she wanted to take the train for a joy ride but hadn’t been able to figure out how to get it going, so she just settled for blowing the horn. She’s been charged with suspicion of illegally moving a locomotive with possible injury or death.

Our bozo for today from Bradenton, Florida is a play on the old question, “If a tree falls in the woods, does anyone hear it?” Let’s call this one, “If there’s no one in the store, does a bozo rob it?” Apparently the answer is no. Police were called to a report of an attempted robbery at a local 7-Eleven. The store clerk said our bozo entered the store around 5:44 a.m., wearing a mask and carrying a handgun. He took a look around the store and, after seeing no one inside, simply turned around and walked out empty-handed. The cops are looking for the world’s most laid-back robber.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Patos, Brazil. Authorities were called to a report of a disturbance at a bar. Apparently a patron drank a glass of rum and then became belligerent, grabbing a kitchen knife and threatening customers. After terrorizing the people in the bar, our bozo then took refuge on the roof, where the cops found him. He was taken into custody and later released. Oh, one thing we forgot to tell you, the drunk patron was a monkey who apparently wandered into the bar from the nearby jungle.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from East St. Louis, Illinois. Bozo Brandon Calder, armed with a gun, allegedly held up a gas station, fleeing with a bag of cash. There was a police station across the street from the station and a detective saw our bozo drop some of the money on the ground as he fled. When he stopped to pick it up, the officer yelled at him to freeze and fired a couple of warning shots. Our bozo jumped into a car and fled, and then things started to get weird. He dialed 911 and told the dispatcher someone was shooting at him. Using this info the cops were able to track him down and place him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waynesboro, Virginia, where the 911 operator received a rather unusual call. Bozo Kyle Harper called the emergency number “in a disoriented state” and asked the dispatcher if he could arrange delivery of some rolling papers. He gave his address and the cops arrived to find our bozo sitting in his pickup with “a green leafy substance on his clothing, the dashboard of the truck, the passenger seat and in his right ear.” He’s busted!

Our bozo for today comes from Great Falls, Montana, where the cops were called to a residence after neighbors reported hearing gunshots and screaming coming from the house next door. Police surrounded the place and officers reported “loud talking” and “flashing lights” coming from inside. As the officers crept closer, they found the source of all the commotion. The family was gathered around a big screen TV with an expensive sound system watching the season premiere of “The Walking Dead.” After finding no actual zombies, the investigation was called off and everyone returned to watching TV.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas, where a couple of bozos where having some Valentine’s Day fun. Apparently things went a little off track and bozo Dustin Walker called the cops to come to his home to remove a pair of handcuffs his wife had applied while they were “doing some kinky things.” It seems she had lost the key. The cops came by and freed our bozo but also ran a routine check on him and discovered an outstanding warrant on criminal mischief. Oops. The cuffs went back on and he went to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Canton, Maine. It seems bozo Nicole Ellis, who was out of jail awaiting trial on a previous auto theft charge, is up to her old tricks. A man left his vehicle running at the Green Tea Restaurant on Sunday while he went inside to grab his to-go order. Our bozo took notice and just couldn’t resist. By the time he returned to his car, she had already jumped in and driven away. The investigating officer took a look at the surveillance video and recognized our bozo as someone he had given a ride to earlier to let her get warm. Oops. He found the car at our bozo’s apartment complex, where he had dropped her off earlier. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kilgore, Texas, where bozo Courtney Alexander showed up at the local Taco Bueno looking for a job. The manager gave him an application form, he filled it out and left. It was how he left that got him into trouble. When our bozo went out the front door, he noticed a customer leave his car running to go back inside the restaurant to pick up something that had been left off his order. That was simply too much for him to resist. He jumped in the car and drove off. Guess he forgot that he had just given his name and address to the store manager. The cops were called and he was quickly arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Springettsbury Township, Pennsylvania, where the cops responded to a call of a shoplifter at the local Walmart. The police spotted the thief near a bus stop and gave chase on foot. Unfortunately, one of the officers left his patrol car running and our bozo was able to circle back around and jump in and drive off. He didn’t go very far before abandoning the car, running thru a restaurant and jumping into a trash container out back. As the cops pulled him out, he denied any wrongdoing, saying, “I hang out in dumpsters all the time.” He’s under arrest.

Our bozo for today comes from Adams County, Wisconsin, where bozo John Payne was on trial for drunk driving for the tenth time. This time, he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. Police officers testified that they observed our bozo driving erratically and when they pulled him over, there was a “smell of alcohol emitting from his breath.” Our bozo denied he had been drinking and instead testified that he had been to a fish fry, where he consumed a large amount of “beer battered fish.” Not this time, pal. The jury wasn’t buying his story. He now faces up to 12 years in prison.

Our bozo for today from Royal Palm Beach, Florida ended up under arrest due to his inappropriate sense of humor. It all began when bozo Joshua Willis found a three-foot alligator on the side of the road. He then decided he would head over to a nearby Wendy’s, where a friend of his was working the drive-thru. He placed his order and when he received it, he decided it would be very funny to toss the gator through the window. The folks at Wendy’s didn’t see the humor in his actions. The cops were called and our bozo has been charged with aggravated assault and unlawful possession and transportation of an alligator. He’s under arrest. Gator is fine and has been released back into the wild.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hemet, California, where the police department attempted to stop bozo motorcyclist Joseph Carson for a traffic violation but he fled at speeds exceeding 100 MPH. Citing public safety concerns, the cops did not give chase but they did notice our bozo throw a box of something from his bike as he sped away. The police found the item and it was a box of Girl Scout Cookies, with a note from the scout giving her name and number if more cookies were wanted. The cops called the number and the girl confirmed she had just sold a box of cookies to someone on a motorcycle. Other witnesses were able to lead the cops to a nearby trailer park where they found our bozo and his motorcycle. The Girl Scout was able to positively ID the suspect. Case closed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Batavia, Illinois, where our bozo was in need of some quick cash. And an easy way to get it is to break into a vending machine, right? Not if that vending machine is at an arcade and not if it is a photo booth. Yep, he entered the photo booth and began jimmying the cash box, not realizing that if you damage the mechanism in any way, it takes a picture. It got a nice shot that will save the police the trouble of taking a mug shot.

Bozo criminals for today come from Ludington, Michigan, where the cops were called to the local Walmart on a report of a disturbance. Upon arrival, they found quite a mess, with evidence of a big Silly String fight littered over several aisles of the store. Apparently bozos Derek Gonzalez and Samantha Curtis held a big Silly String battle inside the store, emptying several cans of the stuff and leaving quite the mess. To add insult to injury for store employees, our bozos refused to pay for the cans they had emptied. The cops caught up with them in the parking lot and charged them with third degree retail fraud.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Christopher Ellis was in court to face charges of driving with a suspended license. And since the court date caused him to miss a day of work, our bozo decided to do a little freelancing in the courtroom. Police say he walked up to a man in the courtroom and asked him if he wanted to buy some Suboxone pills. Bad idea. The man reported the attempted sale to deputies, our bozo was searched and found to be in possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Plymouth, Wisconsin, where the cops set up a drug buy on a tip from a confidential informant. Our bozo offered to sell them some “boy” which is slang for heroin. The cops made the buy and our bozo was arrested, but it was her rather unusual “heroin” that landed her in the bozo report. What she was trying to pass off as heroin was simply crushed dog food. But, she wasn’t quite done yet. As she was being loaded into the police car, she asked the cops if they would be so kind as to retrieve her keys, phone and wallet from her vehicle. The cops obliged, and while they were in the car they also found drug paraphernalia and a powdery substance that appeared to be actual drugs and not just dog food. She’s busted!

Our bozo criminal for today from Baden, Pennsylvania, added himself to the long list of bozos guilty of bad fashion decisions. Police were called to a report of a shoplifter at a local convenience store. The cops surrounded our bozo suspect in his pickup truck, who threw the truck into reverse and crashed into one of the police vehicles, knocking one of the cops out of his car. He then fled, leading the cops on a chase, all the while throwing drug paraphernalia out of the window as he drove. The chase ended when he crashed into a shed in a resident’s backyard. It was then he was found to be wearing our Bozo T-Shirt of the Day, which said, proudly, “Really Good At Making Really Bad Decisions.” He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida, where bozo Krystal Curtis had successfully completed her probation for drug charges. So, to celebrate, she did what any bozo would do. She rented a hotel room, picked up some booze and marijuana and invited several of her friends to celebrate. Bad idea on several levels. First, six of her invited friends were minors. Second, the party got loud and rowdy, causing other guests at the hotel to call the cops. She’s back under arrest.

No criminal activity this morning in our story from the International File in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, but it does confirm something we’ve always known: It’s never a good idea to sing while wearing headphones. Cops were called to an apartment on reports of a man screaming in agony. The cops arrived at the residence and could hear “terrifying screams” coming from the apartment. After repeated knocks were not answered, the officers went in, bashing down the door. Inside they found our bozo, a professional opera singer, wearing headphones and happily singing at the top of his lungs. Oops. No charges were filed.