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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Great Falls, Montana, where a local coffeeshop was hosting its annual “Coffee with a cop” get together where the public was invited to come by and get to know the local officers. More than a dozen uniformed officers were inside and at least one cruiser was parked outside with its flashing lights on when bozo Charlene Harper wheeled into the parking lot, bumping a light pole before staggering out of her car. She then proceeded to walk in, pass the uniformed officers and head for the frozen yogurt machine in the back. One of the officers then followed her into the parking lot and, after determining she was well over the limit, placed her under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Los Angeles, California, where police were called to a report of a home burglary. Our two bozos fled when they saw the cops approaching, and that’s when things got weird. They first took off down the freeway, before pulling off in the Hollywood area. At one point, they clipped another car and then they had to slow down to avoid people in crosswalks. The chase came to a halt when a TMZ tour bus blocked them in before another car moved and they were able to maneuver around it. During the chase, the passenger waved to other motorists and at one point stood up, danced in the seat and made hand gestures. The car then picked up speed as they headed into a South Los Angeles neighborhood. They did a couple of donuts before stopping where a group of young men were standing in a driveway. The driver got out and sat on the hood. They both took selfies, and exchanged hugs and high fives with the bystanders before finally surrendering to the cops.

Bozo News Hawk Troy House found today’s story from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where bozo Lindsay Washington was apparently unaware of seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 332928: Use the tongs. An off-duty cop was enjoying the salad bar at the local Mazzio’s Pizza when she noticed our bozo using her bare hands to scoop lettuce onto her plate. The deputy informed restaurant employees who immediately replaced the lettuce. The deputy then observed our bozo return to the salad bar and once again dig into the lettuce with her bare hands. Having seen enough, the deputy cautioned the woman, telling her she should not do that. Apparently that didn’t sit too well with our bozo, who then took a swing at the deputy, knocking her glasses off. Bad idea. She never got to finish her salad. She’s been charged with assault and battery.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Maplewood, Missouri, where bozo Emmanuel Potter walked into the Sole Survivor Leather Store and demanded cash, pointing a gun at the owner. The owner took one look at the multicolored plastic water pistol that our bozo was pointing at him and told him no dice. He pushed the gun away and called the cops. Our bozo was apprehended a short time later. He tried the old Bozo Excuse of “it was only a joke” but was arrested anyway.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsfield, Massachusetts where bozo Derrick Fowler drove up to his neighborhood Taco Bell only to find it closed. Suffice to say, this did not please Mr. Bozo. When no one answered him in the drive-thru, he honked his horn for two full minutes. When an employee finally came out to tell him the place was shut down for the night, he sped away, ran into a curb, lost control, and crashed into a free standing ATM building, knocking himself unconscious. The cops were called and our bozo was charged with reckless operation of a motor vehicle and vandalism. No word on whether he ever got his taco.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brookside, Alabama, where the cops were conducting a drug raid at a residence. Several people attempted to flee and were corralled by the cops, who then proceeded with a search of the house. After an hour and a half of tagging evidence, one of the officers noticed a strange sound, which seemed to be coming from the laundry room. As he listened closer, he determined it was coming from the dryer. No, it wasn’t running, but it did have a full load. It seems bozo Christopher Ellis had climbed into the dryer to hide from the cops and and fallen sound asleep and was snoring loudly. Sleeping Beauty was awakened and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Festus, Missouri, where Bozo James Lancaster broke into the local comic book shop. He must have really been excited by what he found, two KISS action figures, some Pokemon cards, and $35 in cash. He also grabbed the cash register and a laptop before making his getaway. And why do we say he must have been excited by his haul? Because in his haste to get away, he left his cellphone on the counter. The cops were called, and while they were investigating, the phone rang. It was face up, and when the ringing stopped, it went to the lock screen, which had a smiling photo of our bozo. Oops. He was quickly tracked down and placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s crappy report. Police in Clermont, Florida, pulled over bozo Carlos Herrera for going 75 in a 55 MPH zone. He had a good excuse. He told the cops he needed to go to the bathroom and was hurrying home. When they told him to get out of the car, he said he couldn’t and sped away, hitting a deputy’s arm in the process. The cops took off in hot pursuit and caught up with him as he was running for the door of his residence. He was Tasered and placed in the back of the patrol car, where he immediately relieved himself. He obviously wasn’t kidding. He’s been charged with fleeing, battery on a law enforcement officer, aggravated assault with a motor vehicle and maybe soiling a patrol car.

Our bozo for today comes from Vancouver, Washington, where residents of the Salmon Creek neighborhood were enjoying a relaxing Easter egg hunt with their kids when an uninvited guest showed up. And he wasn’t hunting eggs. The man, obviously very upset, was screaming that his roommates were going to shoot him. The festivities came to a halt and the cops were called. The officers discovered the man had likely done something to anger his fellow workers at a massive illegal marijuana distribution center, headquartered in a nearby home. Police seized 45 pounds of packaged pot and $108,000 in cash. Three men are under arrest. No word on the fate of the Easter egg hunt interrupter.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Granite Shoals, Texas, where the local police department has a rather strange sense of humor. The cops there took to their Facebook page and posted a tongue-in-cheek warning that local supplies of methamphetamine and heroin were contaminated with the Ebola virus. They thought better of the post and, in a follow-up said it was meant to be humorous. But at least one bozo failed to get the joke. Shortly after the posting, bozo Chastity Martin contacted the cops and asked if they could please test her meth for Ebola. The cops were glad to do just that. The meth tested negative. Chastity tested positive for being a bozo and was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Brisbane, Australia where our bumbling thief suffered the further indignity of having it all caught on security cameras. He had big plans to rob a local business by first lowering himself down from the ceiling using a rope. Things started bad and went downhill from there. CCTV footage shows him dropping down with the rope tied to his foot. Upon landing on a desk, he promptly tripped on the rope, falling heavily to the floor. He then started prowling around, only to lose a shoe. He is then seen taking several seconds to retrieve the shoe and get the laces tied so he can continue on. After circling the room several times, he seems to think better of his plan and attempts to escape, but not without more difficulty, as he pulls down several pieces of ceiling tile before finally successfully climbing back into the ceiling. Using the video footage, the cops expect to make an arrest shortly.

Today’s report from Salem, Massachusetts details two bozos working in tandem…to get themselves arrested. It seems bozos Erik Larsen and Juan Ramiro had a bit too much to drink. Police responded to a 911 call reporting a car being driven erratically. The cops observed Bozo Number One behind the wheel, with the car on the sidewalk, crashed into a sign posted near several bars and restaurants. Then, Bozo Number Two decided to try his hand at driving. They swapped seats and Bozo Two took off and promptly crashed into a parked car. The cops then moved in and pulled the car over, only to have Bozo Two place the vehicle into reverse and strike the police cruiser. They’ve both been charged with drunk driving, in the same car.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where bozo Nicholas Wheeler really, really wanted a new $60,000 BMW. He was a little short of cash, but this didn’t stop him from making an offer…just put it on my food stamp card and any left over can go on the credit card. Yep, he tried to buy a BMW using food stamps. No big surprise that his offer was turned down. Undeterred, he returned the next night, broke in and stole the car along with keys to 60 other vehicles. The cops caught up with him rather quickly, as when the car ran out of gas, he didn’t have money to fill the tank. He’s been charged with grand theft auto.

As we get close to Easter, it’s time for our annual Bozo Bunny award. Today’s winner comes from Jersey City, New Jersey, where a man took his kids to the mall to see the Easter Bunny. It’s not clear what happened, but a disagreement occurred between the man and Mr. Bunny. A brawl quickly broke out with the Bunny pulling off his white bunny gloves and throwing punches at the man. Mall security stepped in and separated the two, who were both found to have outstanding warrants and were both charged with aggravated assault and disorderly conduct. But, never fear, the show must go on. A standby bunny donned the costume and picture taking resumed. Just another day at the mall in Jersey.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Haut-Doubs France. It’s one of those cases where the “criminal” part is at least partly accidental and the extent of bozo-ness is still to be determined. It would seem our bozo took a look at her lottery ticket and thought she had won the big jackpot. So, she went down to the lottery office to confirm her winnings, right? Wrong. Instead she immediately went on a big shopping spree writing checks for everything she wanted, thinking she would cover them as soon as her winning lottery check arrived. A few days later, when the check still hadn’t come in, her husband decided to take another look at that lottery ticket. Turns out her celebrations were a tad premature, as the ticket was one digit off from being a big winner. Oops. Instead of coming clean, the woman burned her purse and tried to claim that it had been stolen and someone else had written the bad checks. However, she was caught on security cameras making purchases at several stores. The judge took pity on her and gave her a suspended sentence and some time to pay off the $5800 in bad checks.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where Neil Olsen had a powerful hankering for a pizza. So, he picked up the phone and called in an order for delivery. He was told his pizza would be there in 30 to 45 minutes. An hour passed and the pizza still hadn’t arrived, so he called to complain. He then waited a while longer and when it still didn’t arrive he called again, right? Wrong. Maybe he called another pizza place? Nope. Got in his car and drove to the pizza place to pick it up himself? Not exactly. He did drive to the pizza shop, but instead of picking up his pizza he proceeded to go on a rampage, throwing things at employees and breaking some glass. The cops were called and he’s been charged with aggravated assault, terroristic threats, and several other charges. Needless to say, he never got the pizza.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Roselle, Illinois. The cops received a rather strange call from a driver reporting that he had just seen a car being driven down the road with a 15 foot tree stuck in its front grill. The cops caught up with our unidentified female bozo and, sure enough, there was a tree stuck in the front of the car. Further investigation revealed the airbags had also been deployed. Our bozo said she remembered hitting the tree but couldn’t remember where or when. She was given a field sobriety test and, not surprisingly, she failed. She’s been charged with DUI, but since they couldn’t determine where the tree came from they couldn’t charge her with destruction of public or private property.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Brooklyn, New York. The owner of the local IHOP noticed that drink sales were way down at his restaurant. After doing a little investigating, he narrowed it down to one shift, and specifically one employee, bozo William Mason. Surveillance footage showed our bozo was serving the customers drinks but not charging them for the beverages. When confronted by the cops, he had a rather unique answer for his actions. He said, “I am the modern day Robin Hood. I am not stealing. I am serving the ones in need. I take from the rich and give to the poor.” It didn’t take the Sheriff of Nottingham to find him guilty. He’s been charged with grand larceny, criminal possession of stolen property and petit larceny.

Bozo criminal for today from Altoona, Pennsylvania, forgot Bozo Rule Number 2323987: It’s not a good idea to call 911 when you’re a wanted man. Bozo Jeffrey Adams found himself locked out of his house. After checking all the doors and windows on the ground floor, he decided to climb up onto the roof in hopes that he could climb in through one of the upper story windows. Once there, however, he managed to get himself stuck and there was only one thing to do, call 911. Which would ordinarily have been a good idea. Except for the fact that he was wanted by the cops for $750 in unpaid court costs and fines. After he was freed, he was taken to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado, where a woman called a cab and asked to be taken to the neighborhood 7-Eleven. Maybe she thought the fare was too much, because she then pulled a knife on the cabbie and said she’d just drive there herself. She kicked him out and sped away as the driver called the cops. Police say somewhere along the way she ditched the cab and walked the rest of the way to the store on foot, where the cops were waiting and placed her under arrest.