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The Bozo Report will return Monday. Today we join with our friends in Dallas to mourn the officers killed in the line of duty.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Humpty Doo, Australia, where the cops received a rather unusual phone call. On the other end of the line was our bozo, and he was very upset. He explained to the cops that he and his father had an argument and his father had set fire to his marijuana stash. Obviously, the police had to go check this one out. When they arrived, all that was left was the smoldering remains of a bonfire, and one very distraught bozo. The cops could only shake their heads as there was no unburned pot left behind. When last seen, our bozo was packing up his stuff and leaving to stay with relatives, who hopefully will be more tolerant of his smoking habits.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Braintree, Massachusetts. Bozo Perry Blair walked into a local bank and presented a check for cashing. The teller thought the check looked suspicious and was checking it out when our bozo received a text message on his cell phone. Not sure what the message was, maybe his Mama calling him home to dinner, but our bozo dropped everything and headed for the door. Unfortunately, one of the things he left behind, along with the phony check, was his ID. The cops quickly caught up with him and found an identical fake check in his vehicle’s center console. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Gosford, Australia. Bozo Matthew Harper was arrested by the cops for jumping on the roof of an elderly couple’s car, damaging it and generally scaring the heck out of them. He was taken to the police station, booked and released. Guess that just wasn’t good enough for him. He returned to the police station two and a half hours later, shoeless and shirtless. He proceeded to kick down the sliding door to the station, smashing it and entered the facility screaming and yelling. Enough is enough. This time he was charged with recklessly destroying property and was placed in jail.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, where the cops were called to a report of a problem at an apartment complex. Neighbors pointed to a window where a woman, clad only in her underwear, could be seen standing motionless. After observing her not moving, the cops sprang into action. When there was no response to the doorbell or repeated knocks on the door, the cops broke in. Inside, they found a “lifeless woman”. But the reason for her lifeless-ness was unexpected. She was “made of plastic and filled with air.” Yep, the owner of the apartment had left his blow up sex doll standing in front of the window. She was moved to a more private location. No charges were filed.

Bozo criminal for today is the lowest of the low. Jonathan Sawyer of Albuquerque, New Mexico broke into a residence and stole someone’s frozen dinners. Now, taking food is bad enough, but this deed was even more dastardly. Bozo Jonathan broke into his grandmother’s home and stole his own granny’s TV dinners. Shame. And on top of that, he stuck his thumb in the eye of a deputy as he tried to escape. He was found to be in possession of a gun and several glass pipes with drug residue. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Sacramento, California. The popular local restaurant Mother was closed Saturday afternoon and the security cameras were on while an employee finished cleaning up. That’s when our bozo sneaked in through a back door, crept behind a counter and then went into the kitchen. He then grabbed a large shaker of powdered sugar and started sprinkling it all over himself. When he was sufficiently covered, he then picked up a stapler and started stapling together take-out containers. The employee spotted Mr. Sugar Man and called the cops. He was rinsed off and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Worcester, Massachusetts, where bozo Jane Morton was locked up when a court officer went into one of the neighboring cells. Then next thing he knew, a projectile was headed his way, hitting him in the chest and splashing an unknown liquid onto his face. Further investigation revealed our bozo had dipped her lunch, a sandwich, into the toilet before throwing it at the man. Ick. Our bozo now faces charges of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.

Our bozo for today comes from Greenfield, Wisconsin, where a family was taken hostage in their own home by another family member. Fearing for her safety, the wife managed to sneak a quick call to 911 and police officers were dispatched. When the police arrived, the situation was not what they expected. The family was being held hostage by the family cat, who was very angry. Apparently the cat had attacked the husband just before the cops were called. Animal control corralled kitty who was taken into custody for observation.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File in Toronto, Canada, where bozo Daniel Fox stepped onto a Toronto Transit bus at 12:30 a.m., and pulled a knife on the driver. Nope, he wasn’t looking for cash. Instead, he told the driver to take him to the nearest Tim Hortons, an extremely popular donut shop. And he told him to make it snappy, forcing him to run several red lights in the process. We’re not sure if he grabbed himself a few Timbits first, but after he had been inside for a while he called 911 and turned himself in. He’s been charged with assault with a weapon, mischief endangering life, forcible confinement, uttering threats and taking a motor vehicle without consent.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Pennsylvania, where bozo Zachary Jacobs broke into a residence. But this was any ordinary break-in, as our bozo liked the place so much he decided to make himself at home. He first raided the refrigerator and made himself a meal. Then, it was off to the closets where he tried on their clothes until he found just the right outfit for himself. And then, he took a look at the interior design of the house and decided it wasn’t to his liking so he started moving furniture around. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to throw a couple of knives at the ceiling, where they stuck. And that’s how the owners of the house found the place when they returned home two days later. The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest. He’ll find limited design options in his cell.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson, Mississippi, where 67-year-old Cliff Henderson liked fried chicken. Really, really liked fried chicken. Just couldn’t get enough of the stuff. So, he decided the best thing to do was obtain the birds in bulk and cook it himself. It was his bozo approach to obtaining the chicken that landed him on the Bozo Report. Our bozo climbed aboard his bicycle around 5 a.m. and headed down to the local Church’s Chicken. He broke into the place, stole three boxes of frozen chicken, loaded them onto his bicycle and pedaled off. Not surprisingly a man with three boxes of chicken precariously balanced on the handlebars of a bicycle at five in the morning attracted some attention. The cops were called and after a very slow speed chase, our bozo was apprehended and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today from Indian Shores, Florida, had some pot and they needed to sell it so they hatched a plan. 1. Obtain a van. 2. Load with an ample supply of pot. 3. Include the tools of the trade, including a digital scale, rolling papers and zip top plastic bags. 4. Find a nice open area to park and set up shop. After doing all this, item number five was added to the list. 5. Take a nap. But it wasn’t the nap that really sealed their fate. It was the nice open area they decided to park in. It was the police department parking lot. Oops. They’re busted.

Our bozo for today comes from Boulder, Colorado, where the security staff at the County Justice Center thought they had seen everything. Until our bozo showed up with his backpack. The X-ray machine operator took a good look at his belongings. Cell phone. Ok. Earbuds. Ok. Some change. Ok. Iguana. Huh? Yep, our bozo just couldn’t bear to be separated from his pet iguana for even a few minutes, so he stuffed him in his backpack and tried to bring him into the center. Security guards pointed out the “Only service animals allowed” sign applies to iguanas. Neither or bozo nor his lizard were allowed inside.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Smith Falls, Ontario, Canada. Our unidentified 39-year-old bozo dressed in a wig, glasses, and “clothing suited to an older woman.” So now she was ready to pull of a daring bank robbery, right? Nope. Maybe hold up the local convenience store? Nah. Take a driving test for her 73-year -old mother? Yep. Apparently Mom couldn’t pass the test, so bozo daughter thought she’d help her out. Her disguise didn’t fool the cop administering the exam. She’s been charged with one count of impersonating an adult.

It’s been a fightin’ kind of week at the Bozo Criminal Report. After yesterday’s gas attack, today we have this. Police and firefighters were called to a report of a fight at a residence in Brockton, Ontario, Canada. Upon arrival, they found a woman involved in a very heated argument with her boyfriend’s father and it appeared that the dispute could turn physical at any moment. The man was so enraged that he started throwing things into the campfire, including a cylinder filled with propane. Cooler heads prevailed and after a time the cops were able to determine the source of the argument, which is what landed them in the Bozo Hall of Fame. The woman took the position that the world was flat while the man argued that it was round. Neither would accept the other’s point of view, and the man simply ended up walking away. He faces a criminal mischief charge for tossing the propane cylinder into the fire. She’s been sentenced to spend some time in geography class.

Sloppy Joe’s Bar in Key West, Florida, has a long and storied history, dating back to 1933, but never before has its name been mentioned in the Bozo Criminal Report. Until today. Apparently a disagreement arose between two couples enjoying beverages in the bar. The disagreement escalated and one of our bozos was punched in the face and another suffered a dislocated shoulder. The cops were called and our bozos were interrogated. So what was the cause? Perhaps someone pulled a knife? Nope. Someone insulted one of the women? Nah. Someone farted? Yep. Police determined the whole thing was the result of an argument over who farted. Cooler heads prevailed, Febreze was sprayed everywhere, and no charges were filed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eagle Point, Oregon, where bozo Victorino Gomez grabbed a bicycle parked in front of the local Wal-Mart and attempted to pedal away. He was struggling with the bike gears when a rancher who was loading dog food and a camping tent into his truck spotted him. The rancher simply did what comes natural. He got his horse, Long John, out of the trailer, saddled up, and rode over to the man who was still trying to work the bike’s gears. Our hero took out his rope and lassoed our bozo. He tightened the rope and dragged our bozo to a safe place where he remained tightly bound until the cops arrived.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and families of the Orlando attacks today.
The Bozo Report will return tomorrow.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada, violated Bozo Rule Number 897787: If you are going to dine and dash, don’t leave anything behind, especially your kid. Our bozo couple ran up a bill of $135 at the local restaurant and then hurriedly left without paying. Unfortunately, they also left without their 10-year-old daughter, who was still at the table. The cops caught up with our intoxicated bozos nearby. They were arrested and the little girl was taken into the care of Child and Family Services.