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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Seattle, Washington. 19-year-old bozo Chad Wilson stopped to pet someone’s dog outside CenturyLink Field on Sunday. This is not newsworthy except that when he was done petting the dog, he left his briefcase behind. The dog’s owner noticed too late to give it back to our bozo and instead handed it over to a police officer who was directing traffic outside the stadium. Hoping to find the name of the owner the cop opened the briefcase and instead found four large bags and 27 smaller bags of cocaine, a total of 154 grams, plus the man’s ID card, cell phone, a scale, 50 Valium pills and a small amount of marijuana. A traveling drug store. It didn’t take long for our bozo to realize what he had left behind. He returned to the scene and asked officers if anyone had found a briefcase, which he claimed contained some “important papers.” Rolling papers, maybe. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Daytona Beach Florida violated Bozo Rule Number 993029: When in need of transportation, Uber is a better choice than the nearest police cruiser. Bozo Eric Rogers didn’t get the memo as he jumped into a parked Daytona Beach police car and sped away, with the red and blue lights flashing. Not surprisingly, he didn’t get very far before being apprehended. Upon being confronted by the cops, he first apologized and then asked the Bozo Question of the Week, “This is, uh, a felony?” Yep. He’s been charged with grand theft auto with damage more than $1000, fleeing, attempting to elude and violation of parole on drug charges. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pete Carran for sending in today’s report from Juneau, Alaska. Store employees at the local Sportsman’s Warehouse were on alert after a recent rash of shoplifting. They noticed bozo William Jackson acting suspiciously and when he grabbed something without paying they stopped him. Our story could end there except for one thing. His shoes. A really nice $139 dollar pair. The same pair that had been reported shoplifted only a couple of weeks ago. Yep our bozo proudly wore his stolen shoes as he returned to the scene of the crime. Only this time there was a different result. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ottawa, Canada, where security at the Royal Canadian MintG had suspicions that someone might have been stealing “pucks”, 7.4 ounce gold nuggets from the facility. But no evidence of theft had shown up on the daily screenings that employees were required to take. And then a sharp-eyed teller at the local bank noticed something strange. Our bozo had brought in some very large checks from the Gold Buyers shop located in the same mall. She became even more suspicious when he requested to have the money wired overseas and listed the Royal Canadian Mint as his employer. Bad idea. She tipped off the cops and a search warrant revealed four of the “pucks” in our bozos safety deposit box as well as a jar of Vaseline in his locker at the mint. Yep, he had been sneaking the gold out in his butt, where it could not be detected by the metal detector. He’s busted!

Another day, another bozo who should have stayed off social media. From Scranton, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo drug dealer James Harper. Undercover officers made a drug purchase from him and when he was ordered to the ground, he fled, losing his cellphone in the process. Anyone else who had such a close call with the cops would lay low for a while, but not our bozo. He fled to the residence of an acquaintance nearby where he immediately got on her computer. He went to his Facebook account and began warning friends and customers to not try to contact him via his lost cell phone, telling them, “Ima b off fb 4 a hot minute don’t call my phone.” The cops, who were searching the area, caught up to him while he was still frantically typing on the computer. He was arrested on multiple drug charges as well as counts of burglary, evidence tampering, resisting arrest and criminal trespass.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Edgewater, Florida that sounds like it could have come directly from a Cheech and Chong movie. Apparently bozo Jasper Lucas had himself a nice indoor pot farming operation, but like any pot smoker, he was just a bit paranoid. One day while tending his plants, he heard the sound of a helicopter overhead. And of course he immediately assumed it was a SWAT team looking for him. So he did what any bozo would do in such a situation…he called 911 to confess. He’s busted! Oh, and that helicopter he heard? It was actually from a TV news station going to the scene of another crime.

Bozo criminal for today from Indio, California, had it all planned out. He broke into the ceiling of the local YMCA, crawled through the ventilation system in the ceiling and then dropped down into a room below. It was dark, but in the dim light he could make out the shape of a cash register. He stumbled over to it, opened the drawer and grabbed the cash inside. Surveillance footage then shows him re-entering the ceiling and making a clean getaway. Sounds like a successful crime…so what makes him a bozo? Well, remember we told you it was dark. And the room he dropped into was a children’s play room. And the cash register was a toy. And the money he took was play money. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the the International File in Adelaide, Australia where the cops got a report of a suspicious red Mazda and a man loitering in the street. Upon arrival, the cops spotted a red Mazda and when it passed them, they noticed something unusual. The steering wheel just didn’t look exactly right. When they pulled our bozo over they discovered that, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, the wheel had been replaced with a frying pan. Yep, he was using a skillet to steer the car. They also discovered the vehicle ID number had been altered and the car was unregistered and uninsured. The car has been impounded and he’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from the International File in Sydney, Australia. The cops were looking for teenage bozo Amy Wilson, 18, who had escaped from a correction center. So, they distributed a mugshot of her to the news outlets and one of the TV stations posted it on their Facebook page. Teenage Amy was horrified by the fashion faux pas that was her mugshot and she wasted no time in replying to the station’s post and asking them to please replace that horrible picture with a better looking one. Good idea for fashionistas. Bad idea if you’re a bozo on the run. The cops were able to track down the location the photo was posted from and our bozo is now back in custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Washington, D.C., where a police officer was enjoying lunch at a local McDonalds when two women approached his table. They started up a conversation and one of the women began eating the french fries from his container. The officer warned her to cease and desist, telling her he had paid for that food and she could be arrested for theft. It was then that our bozo sealed her fate by replying, “Well, then, you might as well take me to jail.” Busted! She’s been charged with French Fried Potato theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan, where state troopers attempted to pull over a BMW sedan for having illegally tinted windows. Our bozo was having none of it and fled, leading the cops on a high speed chase, running several red lights and taking “several evasive maneuvers.” After a time, the officers lost sight of our bozo and called off the chase. A corresponding investigation did turn up our bozo’s name and address. When the police arrived at his residence, they found our bozo standing outside the BMW smoking a marijuana cigarette. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Westerly, Rhode Island, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Even cops who thought they had seen everything were surprised at what they found upon arrival at the scene. They knocked upon the door of bozo Jeffrey Martin, who reportedly had been having an argument with his neighbor. Our bozo answered the door shirtless with corn kernels stuck to his chest. Further investigation found that the neighbors had been feuding for a while before our bozo took it to the next level. He was using a gun fabricated out of PVC pipe that uses a light accelerant such as hair spray that can be ignited. Such guns called “potato guns” because that is what is usually fired out of them. Guess he didn’t have any spuds around, as our bozo was firing round after round of corn cobs at his neighbor’s house. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct and firing in a compact area.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Carpinteria, California, where bozo Christian Hansen went fishing, but not for what you might expect. The police there had set up a drug drop box to allow residents to safely dispose of unused drugs and medications. As you might expect, this proved to be entirely too tempting for a bozo to resist. So he rigged up some cord with a fishing hook and dropped it into the box. It was proving to be a sweet fishin’ hole as our bozo had reeled in several packages of drugs and syringes before someone spotted him. He’s been charged with possession of stolen property, petty theft, possession of burglary tools, prowling, possession of controlled substances…and fishing without a license.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Harrodsburg, Kentucky. Our bozo had what seemed to be a good plan for robbing vehicles. First, he donned a mask to conceal his identity. Then, he broke into the offices of CC Auto Parts & Service and pried open a lock box containing the keys to vehicles on the company’s lot. He then went about opening up the cars and stealing anything of value left in them. As we have seen many times before, being a bozo is exhausting work. And, after breaking into a few cars, our bozo decided to take a little break. That’s where the cops responding to a report of a burglary found him, sound asleep in the driver’s seat of a vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Kansas, where 70-year-old John Shafer had a big fight with his wife. During the course of the argument he told her he’d rather be in jail than at home with her. And he wasn’t kidding. He headed down to the local bank, handed the teller a note saying he had a gun and wanted money. The teller gave him $3000 and instead of heading to the exit our bozo calmly sat down in the lobby. He told his story to the security guard who called the cops. The cash was returned to the bank and our bozo was incarcerated. No comment at this point from his wife.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where local cops tweeted a photo of Bozo Michael Yates as their “Wanted of the Week”. Must have been a really good picture, too, as our bozo adopted the shot as his Facebook profile picture. Not the best idea. The cops used the photo to ID our bozo as a suspect in a disturbance on Monday and he was arrested on outstanding warrants. And to add insult to injury, a bag of marijuana fell from his pants as he was being taken into custody.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts. Bozo Felix Walker had a rather unsuccessful Bozo adventure. First, cops responded to a neighborhood call of a vehicle theft around 2:30 pm. Witnesses said he didn’t get very far in the car before crashing it and running away. Now, any normal thief might think today wasn’t his day and lay low for a while. But not our bozo. Instead, he broke into a nearby home, rummaged around, stole a few items and then, before leaving, spray painted the family dog purple. And that was his big mistake. When the officers located our bozo for questioning the purple paint on his pants was a dead giveaway. He’s been charged with intent to commit a felony, larceny of a motor vehicle and cruelty to animals. And, by the way, the dog is recovering nicely.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Edmond, Oklahoma. Police are investigating a series of burglaries in which residences and cars have been broken into and numerous items stolen. In looking into the case, the cops discovered two valuable clues. First, one of the residences had a security camera which provided a good picture of the thieves. And second, our bozos had a very definite pattern of activity, which they were able to trace from receipts from stolen credit cards. After each and every theft, our bozos headed straight to Walmart to make some big purchases. And, then, immediately after, they went to Whataburger to celebrate with cheeseburgers, fries and a soda. Cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Our bozo for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, our love struck Romeo came up with a unique way to impress his date, but it turned out to be unique in a way he never planned. He climbed to the roof of a building and was going to show his girlfriend his athletic prowess by jumping from one building to another. Epic fail. He didn’t clear the gap and fell down into the space between the two buildings, where he promptly became stuck, suspended five feet above the ground. He stayed in this position for three hours while fire crews tried to figure out what to do. Finally, after a paramedic rappelled down to talk to him, the crew broke through three walls and removed our bozo. He was OK, except for a broken ankle. Business owners are considering pressing charges. No word on whether the girlfriend was impressed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pembroke Pines, Florida, and we can only assume, like in the famous scene in the Woody Allen movie, he was a crook with very poor handwriting. Our bozo used a handwritten note to try to rob a Wells Fargo bank and then headed across the street to a nearby Chase bank. He used a different approach here, using his smartphone to type a robbery note. He had handed the phone to the teller when the cops arrived and placed him under arrest.