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Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake Worth, Florida, where there had been a rash of car vandalism. A number of cars had graffiti painted on them but there was one “special” vehicle that sealed our bozo’s fate. On that car, instead of the usual graffiti, a name was clearly written. Yep, our bozo tagged the car with his own name. The cops ran a quick search of the name and a hit turned up in the neighborhood. When they went to the residence, he was found to be in possession of marijuana and was also wearing the same clothes he had on in surveillance footage of some of the crimes. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Ontario, Oregon, where bozo Greg Hansen was on the run from the law. After leading the cops on a high speed chase he ditched the car and ran into the woods. And that’s where things began to go terribly wrong. He came upon a large badger hole and, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to hide in it. He didn’t get very far in before he discovered it was too small for him to go any further. Unfortunately, he was stuck tight and couldn’t work his way out. As he started to lose the feeling in his arms, he decided he’d better call for help. A police dog led the cops to our stuck bozo and after 90 minutes of digging he was extricated. Luckily for him the badger was not home. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Negaunee Township, Michigan, where police were called to a report of an attempted break-in at a residence, with a homeowner reporting someone banging on the front door. When the cops arrived, they found the suspect on the front porch. After being confronted by the homeowner and the cops, our bozo fled into the woods. He didn’t run far, however, as the cops found him a short time later, unconscious in front of a large tree. As best as the police are able to determine, our crook ran headfirst into the tree as he attempted his getaway. He was revived and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa Beach Florida, where residents of a condominium community observed a naked man carrying a can of Coors Light going door to door banging on windows and doors. The cops were called and they arrived to find our bozo completely naked and extremely intoxicated. It was the answer he gave the cops when they asked exactly what he was doing that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he was in an amorous mood and was looking for someone who wanted some lovin’. Maybe next time he should try Tinder. He’s been charged with disorderly intoxication and public lewdness.

There have been numerous reports recently about “Scary Clowns”. Here’s a Bozo version from Clarksville, Tennessee. Police received several reports of a naked woman in clown makeup running up and down a road, apparently chasing cars. While the officers were headed to the location, four calls were placed to 911 by a woman who cursed and threatened the dispatchers. Police arrived at the scene and found our bozo inside her house, still wearing the clown makeup, and wearing a sports bra and pajama pants while drinking a beer. She was arrested after she admitted she had been chasing cars and also admitting to making the threatening calls to 911.

Bozo criminal for today had apparently been watching Crimestoppers and decided to help the cops out. Bozo Amber Harper from Oneonta, New York drove to the New York State Police station to report a theft. While the officer on duty interviewed her, he noticed she was slurring her words and seemed to be quite lethargic. A quick investigation revealed that she had driven herself to the station while impaired by drugs. She’s busted! No word on the investigation into the theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona, where the cops attempted to pull over bozo Charles Taylor on an outstanding warrant. Our bozo refused to stop and instead led the cops on a slow speed chase before pulling into the drive-thru at the local In-N-Out Burger. He spent several minutes ordering before pulling through and briefly stopping before thinking better of things and exiting the parking lot. He then drove to a nearby neighborhood where he surrendered to the officers. No word on the fate of the burger.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Aggieland, Bryan, Texas. It seems our 19 year-old bozo really wanted to send her boyfriend a nude selfie on her Snapchat. And as you know, sometimes such things just can’t wait. So she posed for the sexy shot and…wham! She crashed into the back of a patrol car. Yep, she was driving AND Snapchating. Fortunately, she wasn’t injured. Unfortunately, she’s been charged with DUI.

Our bozo criminal for today’s heart was in the right place, it was his brain that was misplaced. Police in Winter Haven, Florida, say bozo Brian Clifford was caught stuffing three packs of electronic wire down his pants at the local Walmart. When he tried to leave without paying for the $87.91 worth of merchandise, he was detained by store employees until the police arrived. When the cop asked our bozo why he was stealing the wire, he replied that he was going to sell it for cash to bail his wife out of jail. It seems she had been arrested earlier in the day…on shoplifting charges. He’s joined her in the slammer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Casper, Wyoming, where bozo David Shafer’s search for love led him to answer an online ad. He arranged to meet a hooker for sex, but it was his method of payment that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He worked out a deal to pay for his romantic encounter with a Quarter Pounder with cheese and a medium order of fries. What he didn’t know was that he was dealing with an undercover police officer and not a real hooker. He was arrested when he showed up for his tryst, McDonalds bag in hand.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stamford, Connecticut, where bozo Donald Baxter loved sweets. Really, really loved sweets. So much so, in fact, that after he robbed a convenience store of $800, he immediately headed to a bakery to stock up on cookies and espresso. Unfortunately, he got lost along the way and he flagged down a passing motorist to ask for directions. As luck would have it, that passing motorist just happened to be a plain clothes investigator on the way to the scene of his holdup. After the cop got to the the store and watched the surveillance tape, he recognized our bozo immediately. He headed straight for the bakery, where he found our bozo enjoying his snack. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Eureka Springs, Arkansas, wanted to buy a used motorcycle but he was a little short of funds. Step one: He contacted the person that had the bike for sale and said he wanted to buy it. Step two: He robbed the local bank, getting away with $3500 in cash. Step three: He went to close the deal and pick up his bike. All was going smoothly until the father of the young man who had the bike for sale showed up to help him close the deal. And, as luck would have it, the father turned out to be a police officer who received a report of the robbery while he was there. Step four: After determining the cash came from the robbery our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Brooks, Oregon, had a lot of marijuana but what he really wanted was a snowmobile. So, he did the obvious thing. He reached out to the owner of a snowmobile and offered to trade a pound of pot for the vehicle. Great idea, right? Not. The owner of the snowmobile just happened to be an Oregon State trooper. After receiving the offer, the cops set up a meeting with several other officers in unmarked cars also in attendance. Our bozo is now under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Halifax, Nova Scotia, where comedian Ian Black was out walking with a friend when he was accosted by a couple of bozos. But this was not to be an ordinary robbery. After punching Black, our bozos demanded that he remove his pants and hand them over. When he refused, our bozos fled empty handed. The police were called and were in the process of interviewing the victim when one of our bozos returned to the scene of the crime. Apparently he had dropped his cell phone in the tussle and was hoping to retrieve it. Bad idea. He’s under arrest, charged with assault and attempted trouser theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mobile, Alabama, where bozo Raven Barker was hungry. Really hungry. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, she decided to break into the offices of a local law firm and fix herself a sandwich in the firm’s kitchen. Not surprisingly, she set off an alarm and, when officers arrived, they found our bozo on a couch enjoying her snack. It was her response upon seeing the officers that landed her in the Bozo Report. She fainted dead away. The cops took her to the hospital and when no medical issues were found, she was charged with third degree burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the the International File in Glogow, Poland, where officers arrived at an apartment complex to arrest our bozo on allegations including stealing a car, a motorcycle and a bicycle. The man did not answer the door and officers spotted him jumping from his second floor apartment and crawling into a first floor apartment through an open window. This apartment was unoccupied and the cops received permission to search it but initially found nothing. The search continued until one of the officers decided to take a little peek inside the dishwasher. Bingo! He was found hiding inside. He’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from North St. Paul, Minnesota, where cops were called to a report of a gunshot. When they arrived, they discovered a stray bullet had broken a glass window and lodged in the bedroom of a residence. Searching the area, the cops soon found 24-year old bozo Ryan Todd walking around with an AR-15 rifle. It was his reason for firing the shot that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told police that, since the cops weren’t doing anything about the zombie infestation of the neighborhood, he had no choice but to take things into his own hands. Yep, he was walking around taking pot shots at “zombies.” Police were able to find no evidence of the walking dead and our bozo was taken into custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Colfax, Louisiana, where the police were called to a residence on a report of a man dressed only in a bath towel, carrying a knife and talking to trees. When the cops arrived, they found bozo David Mitchell on his front porch in an agitated state. He asked the cops for help, telling them there were people in the trees and ghosts inside his house. The cops weren’t able to find any ghosts or tree people but they did find our bozo to be in possession of crystal meth. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marathon, Florida, where McDonalds employees called the cops after a customer fell asleep in the drive-thru and they could not wake her up. Deputies arrived and, after pounding on the window for some time, finally awakened our bozo. She, in turn, woke up the male passenger. Cops noticed a strong smell of alcohol and neither of our bozos could produce a drivers license. After refusing to take a field sobriety test, our bozo was placed under arrest. Her companion was found to have three DUI convictions in the past and is a convicted sex offender who had not registered since moving to Monroe County. No word on the fate of the Big Mac.

While all of us at the Bozo Report admit that doing a good donut on a wet road can be fun, there’s a time and place for everything. And that time and place is not during a curfew imposed by authorities because of an approaching hurricane. And it’s certainly not in front of a news crew that is doing a live report. But that’s exactly what bozo Brandon Mason did the other evening as hurricane Matthew approached the Florida coast. The cops took time from preparing for the storm to track him down and place him under arrest.