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Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
See you in January.

We have for today what the Bozo Staff believes to be the first ever case of twin bozos. From Absecon, New Jersey, comes the story of twins identified only as “Kenny and Lenny” who attempted to steal 30 6-packs of Dove soap from a local store. They grabbed the soap and headed for the exit with store employees in hot pursuit. Immediately upon leaving the store, they were knocked to the ground when they ran into a trash can. Undeterred, they jumped up and then ran into a shopping cart. Their string of bad luck continued when a police officer who was responding to a car accident in the area arrived on the scene. They face twin indictments of shoplifting and resisting arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Largo, Florida, where a man dressed in a Chewbacca costume stole $623 from two vending machines at an office. Sounds like a successful crime, right? Wrong. First, the entire crime was captured on security cameras. Including when he entered the building before putting the Chewbacca mask over his face. And, second, our bozo was terminated by the vending machine company a couple of months ago and an employee was able to positively identify him since she “saw him on a daily basis for two years.” Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Bernardino, California where an unidentified bozo walked into the Lotions and Lace adult store brandishing a gun. When he demanded cash from the clerk, a second employee hurled a barrage of sex toys at him. He quickly determined he would be unable to swat away all the sexual missiles and ran empty handed for the front door. The whole spectacle was captured on security cameras. Cops are working to identify our bozo and hope to make an arrest soon.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Kuras for sending in today’s report from Jackson, Michigan, which shows a clear violation of Bozo Rule Number 334338: Don’t return a stolen item to a shop where the victim works. It seems bozo Eric Harvey stole a compound bow from a parked car. Once he got it, he really didn’t know what to do with it, so he headed down to the local sporting goods store to try to sell it. Which might have been a good idea except for the fact that the guy he stole it from worked at the store. Oops. A co-worker immediately recognized it and called the cops. Our bozo, who was out on bond at the time has been charged with possession of stolen property.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Danville, Kentucky, where the Chief of Police was enjoying a meal at the local BBQ joint. As luck would have it, outside that restaurants were two bozos, sitting in a car and discussing their plans to rob the place. And even more unluckily for them, one of them butt-dialed police dispatch in the middle of the conversation. The dispatcher heard everything and when one of our bozos mentioned the Chief’s name, they pinged the cell phone and determined they were planning on robbing the very restaurant where the Chief was eating. Officers were quickly dispatched and our bozos were found, still in their car, with one of them in possession of a mask. Busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Chicago, Illinois, where bozos Mario Gomez and Domingo Lopez stormed into a restaurant and demanded cash. They threatened to kill the owner and told him they had a gun. The quick thinking owner was concerned for his customers safety and told our bozos he was too busy and to please come back in an hour. Of course, they did. When they showed up a second time, they changed their request, to $100 and food. The owner said, sure, just let me step into the back and get my wife’s checkbook. This gave him time to call the cops who arrived quickly and placed our bozos under arrest. And that gun they were threatening him with…it was a water pistol.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Russell Fox for sending in today’s report from Charlotte Hall, Maryland. The cops were called to a local dollar store on a report that it was being ransacked. When they arrived, the place was a mess, with displays overturned and items strewn all over the floor, with the majority of the mess being in the Christmas tree section. The police were quickly able to solve the crime, as the suspect was still on the premises. A rogue beaver had apparently found his way into the store and took a good long look at the Christmas trees. After finding them all to be artificial, he proceeded to trash the place. Nothing to eat here, pal. He’s been taken into protective custody.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Matias Joost for sending in today’s annual Bozo in the snow report. From the International File in Upper Ottawa Valley, Canada comes the story of a break-in at a local daycare. The custodian called the cops after being threatened by the would-be robber. When the police arrived, they found our bozo had fled, but had left behind some very important evidence. His footprints in the freshly fallen snow. The cops simply followed the trail and quickly apprehended our bozo. He’s been charged with breaking and entering, uttering threats and two counts of criminal mischief.

Bozo criminals for today come from Northhampton, Massachusetts, where the cops were called to a report of a robbery in progress at a convenience store. The police arrived, arrested two bozos and returned the stolen goods. End of story, right? Wrong. Our bozos had an accomplice waiting in their getaway car. A large rooster. Yep, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, they took a rooster along to the robbery. They’re under arrest. The rooster has been turned over to animal control for safe keeping.

You may be familiar with the mannequin challenge craze that is sweeping the internet. It involves a group of people who stand still, as if frozen in time, while someone walks through with a cellphone, making a video of the whole thing. And of course it was only a matter of time until a group of bozos decided to take the challenge. That’s just what happened recently in Huntsville, Alabama, where 22 bozos posed with each one of them aiming a firearm. All in all, at least 19 guns were visible in the video, accompanied by the sound of thumping rap music. It didn’t take long for the video to go viral, having been shared more than 85,000 times. One of those shares ended up in the hands of the local police department who decided to get a search warrant and head over to the residence to take a little look around. They confiscated two handguns, one assault rifle, a tactical vest, many rounds of ammo and multiple magazines. But that’s not all…they also found several bags of marijuana, packed for resale and a grinder for preparing the pot buds for consumption. Present at the home were two bozos, one charged with being a felon in possession of a firearm and both charged with possession of drugs and paraphernalia. Their next video will be from behind bars.

Our bozo for today from Seattle, Washington, is another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. The cops were working a report of a stolen BMW, which the owner said he had loaned to a friend. He said his friend forgot and left the key fob inside the car, which made it an easy target for thieves. The cops contacted BMW and they were able to help the cops track down the vehicle’s location, an alley, where they found our bozo asleep inside. BMW employees were then able to remotely lock our bozo inside the car for safe keeping. He was awakened and removed, charged with DUI, theft and drug possession.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York, where the Bills and their fans are known for their tailgating parties before games. This particular one, however, got out of hand. Our 25 year-old bozo was enjoying himself a little too much recently when he decided to have one more drink. It was the “container” he used that ultimately led to his downfall. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to drink some alcohol from the bare butt of a female partier. Which might have been OK if someone had not decided to post the whole thing online. And if he hadn’t been on probation. The video was called to the attention of the cops who did some investigation and discovered one other problem. The girl was underage. Oops. He’s under arrest charged with probation violation. No word on who won the game.

It’s the time of the year again when it’s time to report on another bozo influenced by Santa Claus, and not in a good way. Cops in Penfield, New York, were called to a report of an attempted break-in at a local pizzeria. Upon arrival, they found our bozo had attempted to enter the pizza joint by sliding down the roof vent. He got so far and then… stuck tight. The cops, with some help from the fire department, pulled him out and charged him with third degree burglary, second degree criminal mischief and possession of burglary tools.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Forest Grove, Oregon, where cops were called to a residence on a report of a disturbance. When they got there, they were shocked to see what the woman was upset about. Whistling. Yep, whistling. She told the cops that a man had “obnoxiously” been whistling “Closing Time” by the group Semisonic while standing in her driveway. She stated that she told him to “shut up” several times before calling the cops. He was not there when the police arrived but all they had to do was follow their ears. They found him not far away “whistling his way back home.” The cops issued a warning but were at a loss to explain why the whistling had the woman so upset.

Our bozo for today from Queensland, Australia, turned out to have no criminal activity involved whatsoever, but the sheer weirdness of the story merits its inclusion. A concerned citizen noticed a soft, squishy, circular object on the beach. After taking a good look at it, he decided the object was a prosthetic breast implant, perhaps from someone who had been murdered or drowned. He placed the thing in a baggie and took it down to the local police department. The cops initially took his discovery very seriously and then…further investigation determined that it was not a breast implant at all. Actually, it was a jellyfish. Police speculated it was the remains of a blubber jellyfish whose tentacles had been knocked off or eaten by a fish. Case closed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where neighborhood residents had been complaining about packages being stolen from their doorways. After the police had failed to catch the thief, one of the homeowners took matters into his own hands. He’s the proud owner of a 95-pound German Shepherd who is a very healthy eater and also a very prolific pooper. He collected a nice large supply of his dog Heidi’s poop and wrapped it up neatly in a package which he placed on his front doorstep. Sure enough, it worked. Security cameras showed two men in a green car pull up and snatch the package. Unfortunately we don’t have footage of them opening the poopy package. Police hope to use the video in in their investigation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Millbury, Ohio, where the cops stopped bozo Daniel Harper for following too closely in traffic. Our bozo appeared to be filled with holiday cheer as the Ford Expedition was packed to the brim with wrapped Christmas presents. But things were not as they seemed. A drug sniffing dog alerted the cops that there was something amiss with the gifts. The cops unwrapped the presents and discovered 71 pounds of marijuana, 360 THC pills and a pound of hash wax oil, for a street value of $330,000. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brockton, Massachusetts where our bozo thought this was going to be an easy heist. Boy, was he wrong. First mistake: He pulled his van up directly in front of the store’s security camera which had a clear shot of his license plate. Second Mistake: He underestimated the strength of the store’s window. Security footage shows our bozo hurl a rock at the store’s window from close range. Doink! The rock hits the window and bounces back, landing at the man’s feet. So, summoning all his strength, he picks up the rock and tries again. Doink! Same result. Only this time the rock bounces off the van’s door and rolls under the vehicle. Thinking better of things, our bozo gets into the car and drives off. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Scunthorpe, North Lincolnshire, England where bozo Andrew Haney broke into a residence and was rummaging around when he was confronted by the homeowners, both 72 years old. After a brief confrontation, our bozo thought better of things and headed for the nearest exit. Before he could leave, the homeowner asked him if he could take a quick picture of him. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he stopped, posed, and allowed the man to take a quick picture. Bad idea. Using the photographic evidence, the cops were quickly able to track down and arrest our bozo.