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Bozo criminal for today comes from Alpena, Michigan, where bozo Robert Carter made a quick stop at the local Walmart. And as you are no doubt aware, actual check-out lanes manned by actual humans are few and far between these days, so he headed for the self-checkout. Scanned his items, reached into his pocket, grabbed his wallet, paid for his items and left. All good, right? Well, not quite. It seems when he reached into his pocket for his wallet, a small baggie containing a white powder fell out. Oops. Using his credit card info, he was quickly tracked down and…Busted! Charged with possession of cocaine.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for making us aware of an issue we didn’t even know existed-Fruit Roll Up smuggling. Apparently a viral Tik-Tok video has caused a shortage of the tasty treat in Israel so some entrepreneurs have taken matter into their own hands, smuggling Fruit Roll Ups into the country in their luggage. An American couple was stopped by customs trying to bring 661 pounds of the stuff into Israel for resale. A red flag went up to authorities when the luggage contained nothing but Fruit Roll Up, no clothing or toiletries. Our bozos response was that he “Had clothes in Israel”. Busted and confiscated!

Bozo criminals for today from Oak Park, Michigan, violated Bozo Rule Number 121933: Gas that vehicle up first, then load it up with drugs. A Michigan State Police trooper stopped to assist a driver of a disabled vehicle. Our bozo told the trooper he had run out of gas after driving to pick up another person, who was sitting in the back of the car. He then admitted to the officer that he was carrying a handgun, for which he did not have a CPL. And then things went downhill rapidly. He was placed under arrest for Carrying a Concealed Weapon. A quick search of the car turned up a grocery bag in the back seat containing heroin, LSD sugar cubes, and a scale. And since that bag also contained credit cards with the rear seat passenger’s name on it, he was also arrested. Their next stop is jail. Their first stop should have been the gas station.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where bozo Daniel Barrera was pulled over by the cops for a minor traffic violation. The officers checked his license and discovered it was invalid. Uh-oh. This prompted a search of the car which turned up a large clear bag which contained 30 grams of a powdery substance. He quickly offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling the cops it was “chili powder” sent to him from his family in Guatemala. Sorry. No dice. It tested positive for heroin. Busted! Charged with a narcotics trafficking rap, plus a probation charge related to a previous DUI charge and he was wanted by immigration and customs officials.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sanlucar de Barrameda, Spain. Our bozo broke into a tapas bar overnight and cleaned out the cash register and also took seven legs of pricey Iberico ham. When the owner of the shop arrived the next morning she noticed something interesting. A greasy trail of fat leading from the restaurant to a nearby residence. Yep, those legs of ham are heavy and our bozo drug them on the ground behind him as he attempted his getaway. Busted! The cops got a warrant and found the hams and the cash inside.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Officers tried to pull over our bozo on a report of a suspicious vehicle. Instead, our bozo fled, leading the cops on a chase that involved the tires getting spiked and the vehicle eventually ending up on the banks of the Willamette River. Ignoring orders to surrender, our bozo jumped in and attempted to swim to freedom. Somewhere between the bank and the shore, it occurred to him that this might not be the best idea and he turned back and swam to the officers, where he gave himself up. He’s been charged with theft of a vehicle and evading arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Redwood City, California, where bozo Moses Robley was seen scrambling over two fences and then climbing through a second floor door. OK, so why does this qualify as a bozo? The building he entered was the Maple Street Correctional Center. Yep, he broke INTO a jail. When officers found him, he was relaxing in a lobby area inside the building usually reserved for inmates. His story: He was fleeing a man with a gun. He was found to be in possession of stolen credit cards and appeared to be under the influence of meth and alcohol. Busted! Charged with misdemeanor breaking and entering.

Bozo criminals for today come from Flagler County, Florida, where a Peterbilt semi-tractor truck was reported stolen. The cops received a call from a citizen who had observed something strange going on in a Days Inn parking lot. He said there were two bozos there who were painting a big rig. With cans of aerosol spray paint. Yep, our bozos, who had stolen a hot pink Peterbilt were attempting to hide it by spray painting it red. When the police arrived they found the truck, our bozos, and 10 cans of Krylon spray paint. Busted! Charged with grand theft auto and criminal mischief.

Our bozo criminal for today was a big time drug dealer. Headquartered in Novi, Michigan, he had an organization that distributed fentanyl, heroin and cocaine across the U.S., as well as a large scale money laundering operation. But even big and successful criminals are still bozos. His downfall? He had shipped heroin to a customer in a Sony Playstation box. When the recipient was busted, an enterprising cop decided to scan the UPC code on the box, and sure enough, our bozo had registered the Play Station. Cops traced it to his stash house where the game was set up and in operation when they raided the place. Busted! He’s looking at 22 years in federal prison.

Bozo criminals for today come from Concho, Oklahoma, where Red Rocker Sammy Hagar was performing at the Lucky Star Casino. Our bozos, Jerry Moore, 56 and Marsha Greene, 60, attended the show and apparently had a good time. A very good time. And what better way to keep the party going than by heading over to the TA Truck Stop? The cops were called when they were spotted “taking naked pictures in front of the semis in the parking lot.” When the cops arrived, they found our bozos back inside Jerry’s truck, still naked. And Marsha was playing with a “large” sex toy. The cops advised them to get a room, but not before first charging them with public indecency. And they were banned from the truck stop for life.

Bozo criminals for today come from Newport News, Virginia, where two bozos made a daring escape from jail. According to the sheriff’s department they used a “primitive tool” fashioned from a toothbrush and a metal object to did a hole through the wall in their cell. They then were able to scale multiple walls on their way to freedom. So, what would your first stop be after escaping? If you said IHOP, you’d be correct. The very next morning someone noticed two guys matching the description of our bozos chowing down on a Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity Breakfast. Hope it was a good one. They cops arrived before they finished their meal and they were escorted back to jail.

It’s that time of the year again but, as far as we can determine, this is the first known instance of a bozo blaming his crime on Spring Break,. It seems bozo Craig Fletcher, of Missouri, was taking a spring break trip to Florida when he decided to pay a visit to the Toasted Monkey restaurant. The wait was long and our bozo got frustrated. It was then that, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to take a butter knife and do significant damage to a vehicle in the parking lot. When confronted by the vehicles owners, he reportedly laughed and ran off down the street. A couple of problems. One, security cams got a good picture of our bozo in action. And, second, he had left his name and phone number on the restaurant’s wait list. Oops. When confronted by the cops, he offered up this lame Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops it was “A spring break mistake.” Bozo or not, he’s been charged with felony criminal mischief.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where the cops answered a report of a suspicious person. It was quickly determined that he was under the influence of something and when an officer inquired about what was in his pockets, he came up with the Bozo Answer of the Week. He told them his pockets contained “Hypodermic needles. For Fishing.” When he couldn’t produce any evidence of just how he planned to use those needles to catch fish, the officers performed a quick search. He was found to be in possession of fentanyl. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elyria, Ohio, where bozo Elizabeth Wilson was pulled over for a routine traffic stop. The cop noticed she was rather nervous and asked her to get out of the car. She quickly locked the doors and refused to get out, saying she was carrying nothing illegal. After some negotiating, she finally exited the vehicle, but was still yelling and uncooperative. Finally, she shouted, “Fine! You want to see what I have?” and raised her shirt and bra. Not the best idea. The quick flash caused the crack pipe she had hidden in her bra to fall to the ground. Busted! Charged with possession of cocaine, obstructing official business and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Bozo criminals for today come from Gwinnett County, Georgia, where a seemingly foolproof plan was hatched. Maybe foolproof, but not bozoproof as we shall see. Our bozos broke into a store and stole several pieces of gaming equipment before making their getaway. So, what’s the problem? Well, it seems our very modern bozos were driving a Tesla. And you know how it is with those electric vehicles. They have to be charged. And that’s where the cops found them, at a Tesla charging station not far from the crime scene. Busted! In addition to the gaming systems, our bozos were found to be in possession of what the cops believe to be two pounds of marijuana.

Our bozo for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where the cops were called to a disturbance at the Baby Dolls strip club. Apparently one of the strippers was involved in an argument with her ex-boyfriend which led to her striking him in the back of the head with a blunt object. The man, who was stunned but otherwise not injured, told the police the “object” was a large roll of bills, her proceeds from a hard night’s work at the club. Well, at least she wasn’t paid in coins. She was arrested and charged with domestic battery and criminal mischief for allegedly damaging his cell phone.

Bozo criminals for today come from Russell County, Alabama, where a plan for a rather unusual heist was hatched. Our bozos decided to steal one of those speed- warning trailers. You know the type, where the speed limit is posted and “Your Speed” shows up in an electronic sign. Apparently the sign contains batteries that are valuable on the resale market. Anyway, our bozos hitched up and hauled away the sign. Two problems. One, the sign contains a camera, which captured video of the theft. And, two, the trailer is equipped with GPS, which allowed the cops to pinpoint our bozo’s location. Busted! And charged with theft.

Our Bozo for today comes from the Thinning the Herd Division. From Sao Paolo, Brazil comes the story of bozo Leandro Novaes who took his mother to a facility for an MRI procedure. As you are no doubt aware, MRI is magnetic resonance imaging, with the key word being magnetic. After being informed of the risks involved with the procedure, our bozo accompanied his mother into the MRI room, with a pistol concealed in his waistband. Bad, bad idea. The machine was turned on and the pistol was pulled from his waistband, discharging in the process. Services are pending. No word on the results of the procedure for his mother.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in today’s report from Palm Coast, Florida. Our unidentified bozo broke into a closed gas station in the early morning hours. He rummaged around, found the items he was looking for and left. Clean getaway, right? Well, not exactly. He left a debit card with his name on it next to the register. The cops actually recognized the man’s name and went to his residence where they found the stolen items. He then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he left the card behind so he could “come back later and pay.” The cops then offered up the short answer, “Leaving a debit card behind does not absolve you from theft or committing a burglary.” Busted! Charged with theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in La Paz, Bolivia. An inmate serving a 15 year sentence at the Chonchocoro prison devised a daring escape plan. Our bozo, known only as “The Spider” somehow obtained a sheepskin rug which he used to cover himself as he attempted to crawl his way to freedom across the exercise yard. Yep, the old “disguise yourself as a sheep” plan. Didn’t work. Our little lamb is back in his cell. And his only comment upon being captured…”Baaaaa”.