Oh, and Let Me Grab My Makeup, Too

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The Bozo Criminal Report continues to be amazed at how attached some are to their social media accounts, and how lightly some bozos take getting arrested. Case in point, our bozo for today from Sheboygan, Wisconsin, where our 18-year-old bozo and her 27-year-old boyfriend set up a meeting with a man “to meet and hang out” when the actual plan was to rob him and steal his pot. The robbery was successful but the cops were quickly able to track down our bozo through her Facebook posts. When the cops arrived at her parents home to place her under arrest, she asked if she could first put on a bra and then asked her father to take pictures of her in handcuffs so she could post them on Facebook. It could be her last post. She faces up to 40 years in prison.

When You Want a Frozen Treat, Nothing Beats Gelato

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Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 110983: When stealing a frozen treat, it’s best to eat and go. Bozo Robert Davis of Charleston, South Carolina, broke the glass windows of eight buildings on one street and four more on a street nearby. Apparently, he finally found what he was looking for…some Italian Gelato. He fled with his treat in hand, but didn’t get very far. The cops arrived, and after looking around, found our bozo nearby, drunk, bleeding, and carrying a container of gelato. He’s been charged with second degree burglary and public intoxication.

He Should Have Paid Attention In Driver’s Ed Class

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where bozo Damari Nash was on a roll. He had gotten away with his first two carjackings and decided to try a third. That’s when things went wrong. When he noticed the car was a standard transmission, he forced the carjack victim to get back into the car and show him how to drive stick. After discovering it’s not as easy as it looks, our bozo and his accomplice fled to a nearby train station, but not before stealing the victim’s phone. Another bad idea. The cops tracked the phone, contacted the Rapid Transit Authority and asked them to lock the train’s doors. Our bozo is now under arrest, charged with three counts of aggravated robbery.

Police Officers and K9s, Not the Best Hiding Place

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report from Provo, Utah. Bozo Derek Mitchell failed to appear at a meeting with his probation officer. Police were alerted to be on the lookout for him and after his car was spotted, they attempted to pull him over. Our bozo and two friends who were in the car with him jumped out and fled from the cops on foot. They didn’t get far before they ran into a crowd, perhaps hoping to hide. Which could have been a good idea except the crowd was made up of 30 SWAT officers and three K9 units who were in training. Oops. He’s been charged with theft, forgery, possession of a forgery device and fleeing from officers.

No Boat, No Girlfriend, and Now No Maserati

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Our bozo for today wanted that new Maserati Gran Turismo really, really badly. One big problem, though, he didn’t have the $150,000 to buy it. So he came up with an elaborate plan. He visited the dealership and told the salesperson he wanted to drive the car to the Boca Raton Resort and Club to show the car to his girlfriend. Fine, said the salesperson, and he climbed into the car to ride along with him. When he arrived at the club, the girlfriend was nowhere to be seen but he convinced the salesperson to get out of the car to walk down to the dock to “look at his father’s boat.” There was no boat, but now our bozo asked the salesperson to wait at the dock while he went inside to get his girlfriend. Of course, there was no girlfriend and while the salesperson was waiting, our bozo drove off with the car. Pretty clever plan, right? Wrong. Guess he forgot he had left his driver’s license with the salesperson. Oops. He’s facing grand theft auto charges.

He Did Everything But Arrest Himself

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Sometimes it’s just too easy, as was the case in our Bozo Report for today from Marietta, Georgia. Bozo Dale Tucker had his eye on a $200 military knife at the local pawn shop. He came in, took look at the knife, gave the clerk all his personal information including his drivers license and his fingerprint on the pawn ticket. and everything was caught on security cameras. It was then he decided to steal the knife rather than paying for it. Bad, bad idea. The cops were called and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest, charged with theft and drug possession charges.

You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Car, Pal

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk for sending in today’s report from Ocala, Florida, where the hero of our story was minding his own business, stopped at a red light in his big, lifted Ford F-150 truck. Suddenly, bozo Adalberto Ramirez pulled up behind him in his Toyota Camry. He jumped out and approached the window of the truck, yelling, reaching through the window and striking the driver. It was at this time that the driver’s girlfriend, in the passenger seat, told the man they had a gun, in an effort to scare him off. Our bozo replied, “I’ll show you a real gun” and went back to his car to retrieve it. It was then that our hero sprang into action. He threw the truck into reverse and backed over the hood of the Camry, effectively trapping the man in the car. The cops were called, and after witnesses corroborated the story, our bozo was arrested for driving with a suspended license, failure to pay child support, battery and and old burglary charge.

Can I At Least Finish My Pizza?

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterville, Maine, where bozo Eric Lucas had a plan to spend the night in a fitness center. Things went well initially, he entered the club just before closing time and said he needed to use the bathroom. He then hid when the employees looked for him before locking up for the night. After they left, he made himself at home, stripping down to his shorts, stuffing an iPad into his backpack and amusing himself by looking through some paperwork at the first desk. Then, he decided to call Dominos and order himself a pizza, and sending several to the police department as well. So far, so good, that is until motion sensors inside the club started sending alarms to the cops. When the police arrived, our bozo tried to pass himself off as the security guard. No dice. He’s under arrest.

It’s Not Nice To Try To Fool Grandma!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Muscle Shoals, Alabama, where bozo Preston Davis was in need of some cash. So he did what many 24-year-olds would do. He asked Grandma. It was how he went about it that got him into trouble. Instead of just calling and asking, he set up an elaborate scheme. He sent photos to his grandmother showing injuries that he said had been inflicted on him by kidnappers. He then told her that they wanted $1000 for his “safe return.” Granny wasn’t so easily fooled and called the cops instead of reaching for her purse. Noticing there was no sign of the “kidnappers” in the video, police officers did some investigating and tracked down our bozo, determining the whole thing was a hoax. He’s charged with first degree extortion.

Didn’t Know Dennis the Menace Reruns Aired in China

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Our bozo for today from the International File in Shanghai, China, is a classic case of high tech versus low tech. Low tech won, but the victory was short lived. Our bozo was frustrated when he waited for what he thought was an excessively long time at a red light. So, he reached into his hip pocket, pulled out his trusty sling shot and shattered the CCTV camera monitoring the intersection. It was a direct hit and the camera lens was shattered, but not before a good image of his car and license plate was captured. Oops. He’s under arrest.

And He Wanted 72 Months No Interest, Too

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Jacksonville, Florida. Employees at the local Toyota dealership have no doubt seen some strange customers over the years but today’s bozo moves to the top of the list. Our bozo walked in and said he was “Satan sent by Jesus”, said he had a gun and demanded a new car. Following proper procedure, the salesperson told the prince of darkness he would have to go talk to his manager. Instead, employees locked themselves and a back room and called the cops. Our bozo was taken into custody but not before he said, “Go ahead and take me, God will bail me out.”

Enroll These Guys In a Vocational Agriculture Class, Quick!

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Our bozo for today comes from Suffield Connecticut, where a pair of cows escaped from their pen and caused a disturbance. After initially being able to apprehend the bovines, the cops issued a Facebook warning. They told residents not to open their doors to any “unfamiliar cattle.” They went on to say that two “suspicious males” were going door to door “trying to sell dairy products.” Um…officers…these are cows, not bulls. Regardless of the gender mixup, the cows were rounded up without further incident.

And He Sent the Hit Man a Text Asking For His Job Back

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in this one from Seattle, Washington, where a keystroke error may have saved a couple of lives. While we’re not sure exactly how serious he was, it would appear our bozo was at least in discussions with a hit man to kill his wife and daughter. He went so far as to send a text to the hit man to try to make the deal. Unfortunately, instead of sending to the hit man, he sent the text to his former boss. Oops. His ex-employer immediately called the cops and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.

Bullwinkle Would Be Proud

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Bozo criminal for today from Meridian,Idaho, forgot Bozo Rule Number 220928: During home break-ins, take along some Squirrel-Away just in case. The homeowner returned to his residence, noticed evidence of a break-in and called the cops. Investigating officers arrived and immediately observed the homeowner’s pet squirrel, who had the run of the house, was in an agitated state. The cops found footprints in the snow outside the house and were able to track down the alleged burglar. During questioning, the officer spotted numerous scratches on our bozo’s arm and the explanation of them sealed his fate. He told the cop, “Damn squirrel kept attacking me and wouldn’t stop until I left.” Busted!

Soup’s On!

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Bozo criminal for today come from Garland, Utah, where our unidentified bozo was passing through when he became certain that someone was following him. So, the logical thing to do is call the cops to report it, right? Well, maybe not. The cops arrived and, after noticing our bozo acting rather strangely, they asked to search his vehicle. Inside, they found 36 jars of Knorr brand soup. But there was no soup inside. Instead the jars were filled with methamphetamine. More than $500,000 worth of meth. He’s busted!

Well, They Had Been Up Late the Night Before Investigating Problems in Bars

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Our bozos for today come from the seldom used International File, Government Servants Division in Xiangyang, China. There has been extensive press coverage there in recent days detailing problems with elected officials, including dereliction of duty, corruption and extravagance. The problems were serious enough that some of the officials in question were required to attend a meeting on how to motivate lazy bureaucrats. While attending the meeting, several of the officials were photographed sleeping through the whole session. Oops. They’re busted! They have to make a public apology and write a letter of self-criticism. That should solve the problem

Wanna Go To McDonalds? Yep, But I Don’t Want To Leave the Couch

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Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Miramichi, New Brunswick, Canada, where a late night trip to McDonalds seemed like a good idea. It was their mode of transportation that got them into trouble. For reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, our bozos decided to use a rope to attach their couch to an ATV. They then climbed aboard the couch while their accomplice drove the ATV down city streets and through the McDonalds drive-thru. The cops were called, the ATV driver turned chicken and detached the couch and fled on the ATV, leaving his friends behind on the couch. The cops didn’t see the humor in the situation. Our couch-riders were arrested and charged with public intoxication.

Step One: Learn How To Spell Her Name

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from St. Louis, Missouri. Our teenage bozo couple had a devious plan. They wormed their way into an elderly woman’s trust, promising to do household chores for her in exchange for pay. But their plan wasn’t as straightforward as it seems. Their ultimate goal was to steal her checkbook and forge checks for cash to feed their drug addiction. Maybe they should have planned things out a little better. Cops were called to a report of two bozos passed out in a car. When the police arrived, inside they vehicle they found drug paraphernalia, heroin, a notebook where they had been practicing writing the woman’s name, and several pre-signed checks with the woman’s name misspelled. Oops. They’re busted!

Glass 1, Bozos 0

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Our bozos for today from Port St. Lucie, Florida, thought they had it all planned out. They arrived at the Mobil Gas Station late at night, after the store was closed. Now, all they had to do was break the glass window next to the front door. This, however turned out to be easier said than done. Bozo number one attacks the glass with a hammer, but the impact resistant window refuses to break. He hits it again, and again and again with the hammer, still no luck. So he steps back and takes a running start at the window, but the glass still remains unscathed. At this point, his partner takes the hammer and goes to work on the glass with the same unsuccessful result. Seeing that this just wasn’t going to work, our bozos slinked away in shame, with all their failed attempts caught on video. The cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Tipsy Taxi To the Rescue!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Pennsylvania, where a good samaritan offered a tipsy bozo a ride home from a bar. On the way to a nearby motel where he was staying, our bozo asked if they could perhaps make a quick stop at the Union Community Bank. While inside, our not so drunk bozo demanded the teller hand over the cash and made off with an undisclosed sum. The good samaritan was still unaware, until our bozo asked the be let out near the mall, saying he would walk the rest of the way. About this time the driver noticed police cars whizzing by and began to put things together. He let our bozo out and turned around to ask the police what was going on. After a quick discussion with the good samaritan, our bozo was tracked down and placed under arrest.