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While we haven’t been able to find any criminal activity in our report today from New Caney, Texas, we do have a violation of Bozo Rule Number 0011150: It’s usually not a good idea to try to unstop a toilet with your bare hands. It seems bozo Joyce Henderson had been having numerous problems with the plumbing in her new home. Things came to a head when her toilet got clogged and she didn’t have a plunger handy. So, she did what any bozo would do. She reached her hand down into the toilet to try to free the clog. Bad idea. Her hand got stuck and, try as she might, she couldn’t pull it out. A friend called firefighters and, to add insult to injury, videoed the whole thing and posted it to Facebook. After being unable to remove our bozo’s arm, the firefighters removed the toilet and took it outside, where they busted it with a sledgehammer. And that’s what you call a crappy day.

Bozo criminal for today had a rather unique approach to try to cover up her shoplifting. A pet boa constrictor. Police were called to a report of shoplifting at a local store. When they arrived, they confronted our bozo in the parking lot and she explained to them that the reason she looked rather “lumpy” was because she had a boa constrictor under her shirt. Police did indeed find the snake, wrapped in a small blanket, under her clothing, but unfortunately for her, they also found a couple of lighters that she was accused of stealing. She offered up the excuse that she “forgot” to pay. She was also found to have an outstanding warrant. She and the snake were taken into custody.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Elizabeth Park, Australia. The cops were called to a report of a vehicle towing a dangerous load, but even the officers were surprised with what they found. A small car dragging a massive (and we do mean massive) rainwater collection tank on a broken down trailer attached to an unlicensed car. To make matters worse the trailer had no license plate, no taillights or turn indicators, no tire at all on one of the trailer’s wheels and was merely tied to the trailer hitch of the car with a strap. Not surprisingly our bozo was found to be under the influence, testing positive for methamphetamine. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Springettsbury Township, Pennsylvania violated not one, but two Bozo Rules. #446672: A bicycle is not a proper getaway vehicle and #876335: Bring a sturdy sack. Our bozo robbed a credit union, getting away with an undetermined amount of cash. He stuffed the money in his pockets and headed out the door, climbing on his bicycle and pedaling away. He didn’t get very far before the money started falling out of his pockets, scattering all over the ground and sidewalk. He is seen on video stopping to pick up what he could before pedaling off. Armed with good security camera footage the cops expect to make an arrest soon.

There is definitely some bozo activity involved in our story today from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, we’re just not sure exactly who is at fault. It all began when Jerry Carson took his two ball pythons to a local park for a little meet and greet with the public. Not surprisingly, not everyone was thrilled with his actions and when he set his snakes down on the grass for a bathroom break, he was approached by an animal control officer. The officer told him the snakes needed to be on a leash and promptly fined him $190 for “animals running at large.” Citing the fact that there are no known manufacturers of snake leashes, Mr. Carson plans to appeal.

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Fort Myers, Florida, where police responded to a call from a homeowner who said his house appeared to have been targeted in a break-in. The cops said the homeowner was agitated and asked the cops to go inside and check out the house to make sure it was safe to enter. Good idea, right? Wrong. Apparently the homeowner forgot he was using the home as a marijuana grow house. The cops found pot plants growing in the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Woodstock, Connecticut comes from the Dress for Failure file. Police were called to a report of an accident where someone had crashed into a retaining wall. Our bozo was found to be uninjured and it was his wardrobe choice that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He was wearing a t shirt that said, “Hold my beer and watch this!” He’s been charged with DUI, driving an unregistered vehicle and failure to drive in the proper lane.

Bozo criminal for today from Auburn, California, proves once again that bozos and modern technology are a dangerous combination, especially for the bozo. Our bozo drug dealer Rachel Knox decided to text a potential drug buyer rather than simply calling him. Bad idea. Instead she texted a Placer County sheriff’s deputy. The cops set up a sting to buy drugs from her and our bozo is now in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California, where bozo Alvin Nash walked into a bank and swiped his debit card at the teller window. So far, so good. But then, he told the teller this was a robbery and she should had over the cash, which she did. He quickly made his getaway. It was a brief one, since all the cops had to do was check the name and address on his account. The account that he revealed to the teller when he swiped his card. Oops. He’s busted!

Our bozo for today from Newville, Pennsylvania, comes from the Truth In Advertising Department. The cops pulled over bozo Edward Graham after noticing him driving erratically. He was arrested after his blood alcohol test showed him to be two and a half times over the legal limit. It was his choice of attire that landed him in the Bozo Report. He was wearing a “Drunk Lives Matter” T-shirt.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cocoa Beach, Florida, where the cops were called to a disturbance at a park. When they arrived they found our bozo, brandishing a rifle and wearing a dinosaur suit with a SWAT team-like tactical vest. T-Rex was quickly disarmed by the officers and, when explaining his outfit, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers that he was hoping to take part in a “flash mob” of armed dinosaurs at the park. Apparently he was the only one who showed up. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct and wearing a mask while committing an offense in a public park.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany, where a man was taking a walk in an industrial area. He was startled when he heard a loud bang and a round projectile whizzed past his head, hitting a nearby lamppost. Not sure what was going on, he called the cops, who, after doing a little investigating, found our bozo perp. He then came up with one of the most unusual Bozo Excuses ever. He told the cops he was an “artist” and he was working on an art project for the Antarctic. The project? Using a compressed air cannon to shoot coconuts into the air. We’re not exactly sure how that qualified as art or what the Antarctic had to do with it. The cops didn’t understand either. The cannon was impounded and our bozo was charged with violating arms control laws.

Our bozos for today come from Houston, Texas, where the cops were called to a report of a man duct taped to a yield sign. That sounds strange enough but things got even weirder after they arrived. They did indeed find a man taped up tight to the sign at a busy intersection. They then saw a man with a large knife approaching the our taped up bozo. After the cops threatened to Tase him, the man dropped the knife and explained the whole thing. Apparently our taped up bozo had lost a bet to the man over the outcome of the Houston Rockets Golden State Warriors basketball game and he was coming to free him. The understanding cops gave our bozo bettors a stern warning not to do it again and even gave the taped up guy a free ride home.

Bozo criminal for today comes from South Portland, Maine, which experienced blizzard like conditions earlier in the month. Thinking the bad weather created an excellent opportunity for a robbery, bozo Ryan Jackson entered the Rusty Lantern convenience store and handed the clerk a hold-up note. He got an undisclosed amount of cash and left in a taxi. Success, right? Wrong. What he didn’t take into account was the fact that the local police station is right next door and even shares the same driveway with the store. And he also didn’t take into account that the yellow color of the taxi would be easy to spot in the snowy conditions. The cab was pulled over and he was arrested only a couple of blocks from the store.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Limestone County, Alabama. Police responded to a call of a prowler and arrived to find the homeowner who had found our bozo in his garage and was holding him at gunpoint. He was taken into custody and booked into jail on charges of public intoxication. After noticing he was “walking strangely” a search was initiated and that’s when the gun fell out. Of his butt. The .380 caliber pistol belonged to the homeowner and our bozo had picked it up and packed it away before the cops arrived. He’s now been charged with carrying a concealed weapon. No word on whether the owner wants the gun back.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tucson, Arizona, where the kids were on spring break, so bozo Michael Raybourne thought it would be a good time to pull off a heist at the school. He was trying to break into a classroom when a locksmith working at the facility spotted him. Thinking better of things, our bozo headed for the nearest exit, which just happened to be a large, metal fence with spikes on top. No problem. He should be able to climb over right? Well, almost. Our bozo got over the top and was headed down when one of the spikes got lodged in his baggy pants. Rather than try to free himself, our bozo continued on toward the ground, but didn’t quite make it. He was left hanging upside down, not quite reaching the ground with his pants caught on the spike at the top. Fortunately for him, he did wear underwear that day. Cops were called and our bozo was freed and arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Hull, Georgia. Police received a call from a truck driver who said a car had just rammed his truck twice and fled. Investigating officers discovered the driver of a chicken truck was telling the truth, and found a license plate in the debris left from the accident. Using this evidence, they were able to track down the driver of the vehicle and, upon questioning, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the cops she “was vegan” and crashed into the truck to try to free the chickens. That story didn’t fly. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakeland, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a man disrupting traffic. Reports said a man, wearing green pajama bottoms and house slippers, had set up a folding chair and table in the middle of the intersection and was eating breakfast. By the time police arrived our pancake eating bozo was nowhere to be found, but of course the incident had shown up on social media. Several people tagged the man on Facebook and the cops discovered he lived about 100 yards south of the intersection. He’s been charged with placing an obstruction in the roadway and disrupting the flow of traffic.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax County, Virginia, where our bozo targeted a woman moving into her new apartment for a robbery. Things did not go as planned and he ended up trying to escape by jumping from a second floor balcony. Things went from bad to worse as he landed awkwardly, breaking his leg in the process. The cops were called and were following his tracks in the snow when they received information that someone had called 911 for help with a broken leg. Yep, our bozo broke his leg and then called 911. After receiving treatment, he was released from the hospital and arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Tokyo, Japan, where tourists are able to rent replica go-karts from the Nintendo game Super Mario Kart. This sounds like a good idea until you realize the tourists are actually able to drive these carts on public streets. And, of course, some of them think they can drive as recklessly as they do in the game. Which may explain what happened recently when a Korean tourist lost control of her kart and crashed into a police box in downtown Tokyo. No one was injured, but she was charged with reckless driving and the company renting the carts is being sued by Nintendo for copyright violations.