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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinley for sending in today’s report from Spring Hill, Florida. The sheriff’s office got a call from the local Bank of America branch reporting a man passed out in the ATM drive-thru lane. The cops arrived, and, after several attempts, were finally able to rouse our bozo. When he awoke, he immediately tried to place an order for a burrito. Yep, he had mistaken the ATM lane for the Taco Bell drive-thru. He’s busted and charged with DUI.

Bozo criminals for today come from Grand Island, Nebraska, where the cops received reports of objects falling out of the back of a pickup truck. Officers quickly caught up with the truck and pulled our bozos over, finding several large bags of marijuana in the bed of the truck and other bags scattered along the highway. Oops. They’re busted and charged with possession of $366,000 of marijuana.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Taylorsville, Utah. Bozo David Harris walked into the local credit union, claimed to have a gun and demanded cash. Things were going well as he ran out of the bank, carrying the cash in a bag. Then, his troubles began. He got to the getaway car only to discover he had left his keys inside the credit union. He then decided to flee on foot, but the bag got caught on something and ripped open, sending cash flying everywhere. All this activity attracted the attention of bystanders, who were able to tell the cops where our bozo had fled. He was quickly captured and placed under arrest, less much of the cash, which authorities believe may have gone down a storm drain.

Bozo criminal for today come from Cottonwood, Arizona, where bozo Juan Ramirez was wanted on suspicion of taking part in a bank theft. He kept missing appointments with detectives and refused to take their phone calls, so a warrant was issued for his arrest. The thing to do now is lay low, right? Wrong. The thing to do now is to apply for the dispatcher’s job at the local police department. Yep, that’s exactly what he did. During a background check, the warrant came to light. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo Charles Wilson walked into a convenience store, raised his shirt to reveal a gun in his waistband, and demanded the clerk hand over several packs of cigarettes. He got his smokes and left. End of story, right? Wrong. There was one thing about this bozo that made him very easy to identify. His clothing? Nope. A visible scar? No. His social security number tattooed on his forehead? Yep. Our bozo had his actual social security number plainly inked on his forehead. And, since he’d been in trouble with the cops before, he was quite easy to track down. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo John Brunson walked into a cell phone store, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk refused to open the register and our bozo began to wander around the store, eventually walking into the store’s office. At this point, the quick thinking clerk ushered all the customers outside and locked the door behind them, leaving our bozo trapped inside. The cops were called and our bozo panicked, shooting the lock four times and eventually dropping to his knees, begging to be let out. Didn’t work. He’s charged with aggravated robbery and assault with a deadly weapon.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Grand Forks, North Dakota, where bozo Dustin Wilson found out the hard way you don’t mess with Mother Nature. Our bozo spent seven hours at the local Hobby Lobby filling up his shopping cart with thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. He then wheeled his cart out of the store without paying and immediately got the cart stuck in the snow, where it turned over. He fell to the ground, and, thinking better of the whole thing, fled on foot. Unfortunately, he also dropped his wallet, which contained his name and address. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cocoa, Florida, where we have the first ever reported assault on an ATM for giving too much money. It seems Bozo Michael Owens had stopped by an ATM to pick up some cash on his way to work. The machine gave him the money he asked for plus some extra. So, what do you do when an ATM gives you too much money? You punch the screen, of course. That’ll show that stupid machine! Unfortunately, the security camera caught the whole thing. He’s been charged with criminal mischief after causing $5000 in damage to the machine.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Astoria, Oregon, where the cops were called to a report suspicious activity at a pier. The cop found our bozo there, trespassing on boats. When they arrived, he jumped in his pickup truck and immediately drove off the pier and into the Columbia River. As the truck began to sink, he tried to flee by swimming away, but the frigid waters caused him to quickly turn back. After being treated for hypothermia, he was charged with criminal trespass, parole violation, attempt to elude a police officer, reckless driving and escape.

Our bozo for today to start the New Year comes from Kalamazoo, Michigan, where Richard Brown rang in the new year in typical Bozo fashion by firing off a gun while standing on his back porch. An officer on patrol in the area heard the shots and actually saw our bozo shooting off his weapon. He stopped to advise him that this was a violation and when our bozo seemed a little nervous, a search warrant was ordered. He was found to be in possession of a stolen firearm as well as large amounts of marijuana and methamphetamine. He’s been charged with possession with intent to distribute methamphetamine, possession of a stolen firearm, felony firearm, maintaining a drug house and possession of marijuana. Happy New Year!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where bozo Jeffrey Goff walked into a convenience store carrying a “rifle” and demanded cash. Things seemed to be going well until someone noticed something wrong with his weapon. Looking closer, the “rifle” was made of furniture pieces, a spring and a pipe that had been taped together. Oops. He was grabbed by the employee and several customers and held until the cops arrived.

Bozo criminals for today come from Union County, South Carolina. Police are quite often flagged down by citizens seeking help, but this was not your typical domestic dispute. Bozo Kimberly Lucas flagged down a patrol car in front of a convenience store. She told the police she needed help…her john was refusing to pay her for prostitution. The john, who was also there, admitted giving her $150 but said it was only for a “hotel room.” That excuse didn’t fly with the cops, who booked them both into jail on misdemeanor prostitution charges.

Bozo criminal for today from Orange County, Florida, used the most unusual getaway vehicle we’ve seen in a while…the back of a semi truck. Here’s apparently what happened. Bozo Derrick Martin got into an argument with a woman on a bus over her talking too loudly on her cell phone. The argument continued off the bus, with our bozo getting into a scuffle with the woman. He then jumped onto the back of a moving semi truck to escape. He was able to hold on even when the truck entered the John Young Parkway. Cops received reports of a man hanging onto the back of a truck and were able to get the driver to stop, whereupon our bozo was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Copenhagen, Denmark. Our bozo, either a pot dealer or a casual user planning a very big weekend, was carrying 1000 joints and needed a ride home. So he did what would seem to be the smart thing. He hopped into a taxi. Good idea, except for the fact that instead of climbing into a taxi, he got into a parked police car. With the cops inside. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Omaha, Nebraska, where police officers pulled over a vehicle for failing to signal a turn. As he approached the vehicle, he noticed a strong odor of marijuana. Inside were two bozos, an 80-year-old man and his 83-year-old wife. After the cop discovered boxes of marijuana in the pickup topper, they offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Holiday Season. They told him the marijuana was for Christmas presents. It was going to be one heck of a Christmas. They were charged with felony possession of $336,000 worth of marijuana. Busted!

Our bozo story for today comes from Teller County, Colorado, where the local sheriff had a vehicle he wanted to sell, so he posted it on Craig’s List. He quickly got a reply from bozo Shaun Martin, who made a rather unusual offer to buy the car. Instead of cash, he offered to pay with “four pounds of home-grown black market marijuana.” To prove he was serious, he also texted pictures of the pot. This was an offer the sheriff couldn’t refuse. He set up a meeting with two undercover detectives and when our bozo showed up, pot in hand, he was busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Ascension Parish, Louisiana, must have thought he was invisible. Bozo James Thompson was wanted on an outstanding bench warrant for failure to pay child support. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he logged on to the sheriff’s department Facebook page, giving it one star out of five and posting “how long is it gonna take yall dumb ***** to find me?” And as if that wasn’t enough, he also posted a photo of his residence with an arrow pointing to his home. Bad, bad idea. The cops headed to his residence and placed him under arrest. And they also posted a big Thank You on their Facebook page thanking him for reminding them about his outstanding warrant.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Byram, Mississippi, where the cops received a rather strange phone call. A five-year-old boy was on the other end of the line and he told the officer that someone was stealing Christmas presents and he wanted to report him in hopes that the cops could arrest him before he stole the presents from his house. After getting all the details, the officers decided this was a serious situation that would require a trip to the neighborhood to investigate. After looking around, the cops decided to head over to the little guy’s house to give him the good news. “You have saved Christmas for the people of Byram,” the officer told him. “Your bravery is unmatched. You have saved the day.” We forgot to tell you one thing. The little boy was watching “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and decided to call the cops and have them arrest the Grinch before he could do any more damage, which they did. Who-ville is safe once again.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntington, West Virginia, where the cops and the fire department were called to a report of a fire at a local strip club. A bystander, who had called the cops, told them there was a suspicious man who had told him to “leave the fire alone and mind your own business.” The cops found the man in question nearby and, upon questioning, discovered his girlfriend worked as a dancer at the club and he didn’t approve of it. When she refused to quit, he did what any bozo would do, he set the place on fire. She’s out of a job and he’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Orlando, Florida. Cops were called at 3:45 am to a report of a man stranded on the fountain in Lake Eola. Further investigation found that our bozo had stolen one of the lake’s swan shaped paddle boats and then discovered he couldn’t steer it and wound up stranded on the island. Needless to say, alcohol was involved. He’s under arrest.