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Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Pierce, Florida, where the cops pulled over bozo Keneshia Lucas for driving erratically. As the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed the smell of marijuana wafting from inside. A quick check of the purse that our bozo had in her lap found two seperate baggies, one with marijuana, and one containing what appeared to be cocaine. She immediately owned up to the marijuana, saying it was hers, but said she didn’t know anything about the cocaine. It was then she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the cop, and we quote, “It’s a windy day. It must have flown through the window and into my purse.” Right. She was booked into jail on on felony count of cocaine possession and a misdemeanor count of marijuana possession.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Belleville, Illinois, where bozo Sandra Brown stopped at a convenience store to fill up her car. Unfortunately, she locked the doors with the keys in the car. Uh-oh. So, she went inside the store and asked to borrow a hammer to break the glass, saying she didn’t want to call the cops. This seemed a little strange to the clerk, who went ahead and called the cops anyway. And when they arrived, we discovered why she didn’t want to call them. A quick check found the car was stolen. Oops. She’s under arrest.

No criminal activity involved in today’s report, but 911 was called so it deserves mention. Police in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, were dispatched after receiving calls about a “crazy person” talking to herself on the side of busy Route 30. When they arrived, they found an attractive young woman who did indeed appear to be carrying on a conversation with herself. Upon further investigation, they found that she was actually a reporter for KDKA-TV who was hosting a Facebook Live chat on her phone from the side of the road. Oh. No charges were filed but she was cautioned to stay out of the roadway.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Oakland, Maine, where our bozo learned the hard way that you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Our unidentified bozo had just read in the New Maine News that burning rubber in your car is constitutionally protected freedom of speech. Armed with this new information, he just couldn’t resist peeling out in front of a police officer. Not surprisingly, he was immediately pulled over. Defending himself, he showed the officer the news article. The cop pointed out that the New Maine News is a satire site. In other words, it’s fake news. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Middletown, Connecticut, where our unidentified bozo called 911 four times to complain about someone throwing his clam chowder into the dumpster. After the fourth call, the cops were sent over to issue a summons to our bozo for misuse of the 911 system. End of story, right? Wrong. When they arrived, he yelled at the cops that he had used 911 because he knew of no other way to contact the cops. The cops explained that 911 was for emergencies only. End of story again, right? Wrong. An hour later he called 911 again. This call was simply to complain about receiving a summons for misuse of 911 on his previous calls. The cops arrived at his home again, and this time found him passed out on the bed. After rousting him out of bed, he put up a fight and refused to put on his shoes or cooperate with officers. They finally got our chowder loving bozo handcuffed and hauled him off to jail, charged with misuse of 911 (again) and interfering with police.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona, where our bozo was ready to go to church on Easter Sunday. When she went up to her 17-year-old son’s room, to tell him it was time to leave, she found him still in bed, fast asleep. Now, we can fully understand her frustration in dealing with a lazy teenager, but what she did next definitely qualifies her as a bozo. She grabbed a taser and “sparked it” on the kid’s leg. Ouch! The cops were called, and even though the teenager declined to file charges, the police did notice evidence on his leg in the form of two bumps where the taser made contact. She’s been charged with on count of child abuse. No word if the boy was inspired to go to church.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Presque Isle, Maine. The cops were attempting to serve a warrant on our bozo at his home when dispatchers received a 911 call about a man being threatened by “five men with guns.” Sounds like a good diversionary tactic, right? Wrong. The caller’s cell phone mapped back its location as the very house the police were trying to serve the warrant on. Oops. And when our bozo was captured, the gave his phone number as the same one that had been used to call in the fake 911 call. Double oops. He’s now had abuse of 911 charges added to the drug trafficking charges they were serving the warrant on in the first place. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vero Beach, Florida, where bozo Charles Hampton worked for the local Trinity Episcopal Church, and they were even nice enough to give him a place to stay while he was down on his luck. But that didn’t seem to be enough for this bozo, as the cops were called to the church with a report of a man in distress. When they arrived, they found our bozo with his arm stuck inside the church’s donation drop box. Yep, he was trying to steal cash from the church. Our bozo was freed and arrested.

There may be more than one bozo at work in today’s story from Pasco County, Florida, and it’s up to you to decide who it is. Police were called to a report of a domestic disturbance and when they arrived they found a husband complaining that his wife had smacked him around, and he had video on his cell phone to back it up. Sounds like an open and shut case, right? So why did it end up in the Bozo Report? It was the reason the wife offered up for the attack. It seems he had forgotten their anniversary again, and she was simply fed up. Sorry, that’s not a good enough defense. She’s been charged with domestic battery.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Houston, Texas. Our bozo staked out a cell phone store, which he no doubt figured would be loaded with cash what with phones going for a thousand bucks these days. He walked in, flashed a gun and demanded that the clerk empty the register. And then things when off the rails. The clerk refused to hand over the cash, and when our bozo went behind the counter, all the employees and customers headed for the exit, which had a door that automatically locked behind them. Oops. Our bozo found himself trapped inside the store, which had bars on the door and windows. He even tried firing his gun at the lock, which seemed to have no effect. And that’s when he quickly changes his attitude. After saying to himself “oh f***, I’m going to jail,” he drops to his knees and begs to be freed, promising to never pull off a robbery again. Didn’t work. The cops soon arrived and hauled him off to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Eugene, Oregon, where the authorities are looking for a man alleged to have made threats to kill people at least three times. Judging from the “wanted” picture they posed, this loser shouldn’t be too hard to find. He has a big tattoo on his forehead, but it’s the one on his neck that assured he would land in the Bozo Report. Tattooed in bold letters on his neck, “DORK”. Why didn’t he add “BOZO” also?

Bozo criminals for today from Seattle, Washington, violated Bozo Rule Number 000334: It’s not a good idea to return to the scene of a crime if you’re a bozo. Apparently our bozo team had shoplifted items from the local Costco before and were known to the store’s loss prevention officer. When he saw them in the store, he immediately called the cops and told them that the last time they had stolen items there, they had escaped by using the emergency exit. So, the officers decided to set up outside and wait for our bozos. Good plan. They had only been there a few minutes when our bozos busted through the door, carrying computers and vacuums they had shoplifted. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York, where bozo Lizabeth Ramirez was looking for a good, quick place to grab a bite to eat. She spotted a drive-thru, pulled up and asked for a “bacon, egg and cheese.” So, what’s so unusual about that? Well, the booth she pulled up to was the security hut at a jail facility. Oops. According to the sheriff’s office, she had a white powdery substance on her nostril. She’s been charged with driving while ability impaired by drugs and driving without a license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Thames Valley, England, where the cops pulled over a driver for a traffic violation. When the cop asked for our bozo’s license, he whipped out one. A really fake one with Homer Simpson’s name on it, Homer’s picture and his catch phrase of “Doh!” printed on it. The cop didn’t see the humor in the situation and charged our bozo with no insurance and driving without a proper license.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from DeLand, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. Upon arrival, they spotted a vehicle leaving the home. When they pulled the car over, the things they found inside indicated that we may be dealing with bozos here. In the console was a marijuana grinder. In the back, a vacuum, window unit A/C, heater, flat-screen TV, and an empty jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce. Entering the home, the cops found it to be reeking from the smell of burned spaghetti sauce. Apparently our bozos had left a pot of sauce cooking on the stove, along with a washcloth, in the hopes it would catch fire and cover their burglary. Didn’t work. They’re busted!

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Guangzhou, China, where the director of China’s Southern Power Grid had just completed a teleconference with employees of five different provinces. He apparently had more on his mind than just the power grid, as, after the call was over, he pulled a female colleague up on the conference table and began having sex with her. Well, at least he thought the call was over. In his fit of passion, he forgot to turn off the camera, and their romp was broadcast to all the employees. Yikes! They’ve been arrested and charged with defamation as well as further punishment for spreading “false rumours” after they allegedly shared the footage.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Hereford, Arizona comes the story of our bozo who was in need of work. He heard the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Service was hiring so he applied. Not a bad idea, right? Wrong. After the agency ran a background check, they discovered our bozo was not even a U.S. citizen and had used a fake birth certificate to apply for a U.S. Passport. Oops. Not only did he not get the job, he was charged with three counts of passport fraud and false statements on his federal law enforcement background application. Busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California, where, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, a man decided to steal the gumball machine at the local animal shelter. Video surveillance shows him crawling through a small window he broke at the bottom of the door. The hole was big enough for him but not quite large enough for the gumball machine. In the process of trying to shove it through the hole, he broke the glass container, spilling gumballs all over the floor. After a great deal of work, he finally ended up tossing the machine over a barbed wire fence in the back yard. All this work to get a handful of quarters. He must have just really liked gumballs, as there was a much bigger prize, a big box of cash donations sitting on the counter right next to the machine.

Our bozo for today from Austin, Texas is a new take on an old problem. In the past, we’ve had numerous reports of bozos whose attempts to steal a car were foiled when they couldn’t drive a standard transmission car. Bozo Cory Adams attempted to carjack a Chevy Bolt at a stoplight. The driver abandoned the car but instead of speeding away, our bozo found himself stumped by the electric vehicle’s controls. He was still trying to figure things out when a bystander saw what was going on, grabbed a machete, and held our bozo until the police arrived. We have no explanation as to why the bystander was carrying a machete, other than the fact that it IS Austin.

Bozo criminal for today from Gainesville, Florida, violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 111-997-6: It’s not a good idea to honk your horn at police officers while they are conducting an investigation. The cops were working a crash in midtown when our bozo pulled up and started honking his horn. And not just a couple of beeps, either, he was really laying into it. So, the police approached his vehicle and immediately noticed the smell of marijuana wafting out of the window. Inside they found a handgun, a loaded magazine and ten thousand dollars in cash. Looking further, they found several other weapons, five mason jars full of marijuana, a hundred grams of cocaine and a baseball bat. Yikes! He’s busted!