Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California, where our bozo rear-ended another car on I-80. Fortunately, there were no serious injuries. Unfortunately, the fuel line on our bozo’s car was punctured, causing the vehicle to burst into flames. Cops arriving on the scene were shocked to see our bozo attempting to light a cigarette in the flames coming from the car. Bad idea. He’s been arrested and charged with DUI.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Winnipeg, Canada, where security camera footage captured one of the stranger attempted burglaries we’ve seen. Our two bozos pulled up to a doggie daycare business in a van. One grabs a large plastic garbage can, apparently intending to load it into the van, because we all know any trash at a doggie daycare must be really valuable, right? Then, something frightens bozo number one and he drops the can and jumps back into the van. Meanwhile, bozo number two, who has been out of camera range, is seen approaching the van, carrying a broken sign. Right, a broken sign. Bozo number one doesn’t see him and takes him out with the open passenger side door. Bozo one leaves his accomplice behind, who is then seen later fleeing the scene on foot. And that trash can they were going to steal…it was full of poop.
Our bozo for today from Melbourne, Florida, comes from the Sometimes They Never Learn file. It seems bozo Charles Fletcher was released from jail on criminal mischief charges. He immediately hailed a cap and asked the driver to take him to his home 30 miles away. Upon arrival, he told the cabbie he would not be able to pay the $70 fare. The cabbie called the cops who gave him a free ride back to jail, this time charged with petty theft.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where the cops pulled over bozo Scott Green for driving erratically. The officer noticed strong odor of alcohol coming from inside the vehicle and observed our bozo had “red, glassy, bloodshot eyes.” Oh, and there was a bottle of Sailor Jerry Rum on the passenger seat. Then, our he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officer that he wasn’t actually driving the car, it was his dog. Bad idea. The trooper noted that he was the “only occupant” of the car. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from the perv department in Madison, Wisconsin. It seems our unidentified 32-year-old bozo liked to take “upskirt” pictures of unsuspecting women. He has just invested in a new piece of hardware, a camera attached to his shoe. Must have been one of those cheap imports, though as the battery exploded before the camera ever started rolling. After being treated for burns on his foot caused by the battery, our bozo felt guilty and tried to turn himself in to the cops. However, the police ruled no crime had been committed as no pictures were taken. He was given counseling and probably told that’s what the internet is for.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Horn Lake, Mississippi, where this summer’s hot weather prompted our unidentified bozo to pick up a mini fridge. Literally. He went to his local Home Depot and grabbed the small refrigerator and headed to his car without bothering to pay for it. Unfortunately, the fridge wasn’t “mini” enough to fit either inside the vehicle or in the trunk. So, he did what any bozo would do. He got in the car, grabbed the fridge with his left arm and drove off, holding on for dear life and dragging the box along the pavement as he drove. He didn’t go very far, deciding to stop at a Wendy’s next door for a snack. Bad idea. The cops were called and our bozo was quickly busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee, where the cops spotted bozo Antonio Franklin rolling a marijuana joint while walking on a downtown street. When he saw the cops approaching, he stuffed the joint into his pocket. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he pulled a plastic baggie containing a white substance out of the same pocket and, when the officer was standing next to him, poured the powder over the officer’s head and tossed the remainder into the air. His excuse? He was “getting rid of the evidence.” Didn’t work. He’s been charged with possession of a schedule IV drug, unlawful use of drug paraphernalia and tampering with evidence.
Police in Multnomah County, Oregon, were called to a report of an accident. When they arrived, they found our rather embarrassed bozo near the roadside and his vehicle barely visible, crashed into the grass and bushes on the side of the road. So was he intoxicated? Nope? Distracted by his cell phone? Nope. Enjoying a really delicious burrito when he lost control? Right. The cops reported “burrito shrapnel” everywhere and declared the tasty treat to be a total loss.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bensalem, Pennsylvania, where police security cameras showed our bozo taking a good look at a pickup truck that had been left unlocked with the keys inside. Easy pickins, right? Well, not exactly. It seemed the truck was in a tight parallel parking space and as our bozo attempted to get the car out, he backed into the car behind him. OK, pull forward a little and try again. Bam! He hit the car again. Surveillance footage showed our bozo repeatedly trying to get the car out of the space and, time after time, hitting the car behind him. Finally deciding he didn’t need a truck after all, our bozo is shown simply giving up and walking away.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Crawford County, Michigan, where an officer on patrol noticed a pickup stopped in the middle of an intersection. As he approached, the vehicle drove away only to quickly fail to stop at at stop sign. He pulled our bozo over and could immediately notice the smell of alcohol coming from inside the truck. A check found he was wanted on multiple warrants and, after failing a field sobriety test, he was placed under arrest. And his excuse for stopping in the middle of the intersection in the first place? He was making a sandwich for his dog, Lucky. Lucky’s been placed in the care of a family member. No word on whether he got his sandwich.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Kim Ellis was in the middle of a painful divorce, which quickly got even more painful, especially for her husband. It seems soon to be ex-husband and his brother showed up at our bozo’s residence and began trying to remove an air conditioner. Not so fast, said our bozo, who first attempted to taze her husband. After that didn’t work, she grabbed a handgun and shot him right where it really hurts…in the privates. Needless to say, her ex and his brother quickly forgot about the AC unit and headed to the hospital. He’ll recover. Her excuse, “I was only trying to scare him.” No word on the fate of the air conditioner.
No criminal activity here, but this one from the International File in Sahebbari, West Bengal, definitely merits a mention. Forest rangers were called to a school in the small Indian village after it was reported that a large python had swallowed a goat whole. A ranger was able to apprehend the snake but instead of safely securing it in a bag, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he decided to pose for a few selfies with the reptile. Unfortunately, he didn’t get the snake’s permission first and, while the pictures were being taken, the snake began to wrap himself, tighter and tighter, around the man’s neck. Obviously panicked, the man began to struggle and, with a little help, was able to get the snake off his neck before he became the next casualty. No word on the fate of the snake.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from the International File in Kingston, Jamaica. Bozo Martin McIntyre spotted a nice looking gold chain being worn by a man in a parked car. So, he did what any jewelry-loving bozo would do…he walked up to the car window, reached in and snatched it. Unfortunately for him, the victim quickly notified officers who were on patrol in the area and they gave chase. It was then our bozo put up the most unusual defense we’ve ever seen. He dropped his pants and proceeded to, um, take a dump in front of the officers. We can only assume he hoped this rather smelly situation would deter the police from investigating further. He was wrong. He’s been cleaned up and arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Big Coppitt Key, Florida, where a police officer pulled over bozo Daryl Reeves on suspicion of drunken driving. After a short chase, our bozo got out of his pickup, beer can in hand and chugged it as the officer approached. Bad, bad idea. He’s facing felony DUI charges, along with fleeing from a deputy, driving with a suspended license and failure to submit a breath test.
No criminal activity here, but we couldn’t let this one go by without taking note. From Winsted, Minnesota, comes the story of a teenage bozo who shall remain anonymous. Our girl was attending the Winstock Music Festival and really enjoying herself when, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, she decided to stick her head in the oversized exhaust pipe of a diesel pickup truck. And you know the old rule…what goes in doesn’t necessarily have to come out and she quickly became stuck. Yep, she’s sitting on the ground with her head stuck in a tailpipe underneath a big pickup truck. Emergency crews were called and she remained stuck for 45 minutes until firefighters were able to cut off a section of the tailpipe and free her head. Her parents must be so proud.
Bozo criminal for today obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 110298: There is a limit to services provided by local police. Our bozo from Putnam County, Florida, had purchased drugs from his local dealer. However, after smoking the stuff, he became ill. Thinking he had been snookered, he did what any bozo would do. He called the cops to ask if they could test his illegal drugs and see if it contained what it was supposed to contain. Sure, said the cops, just bring it down to the station house. He did. It was real methamphetamine. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Elgin, Ontario, Canada. Police received a 911 call from a pizza restaurant. Maybe a robbery in progress? Nope. Perhaps a diner in distress and choking? Nah. A woman upset because it’s taking too long to prepare her pizza? Yep. The cops explained the proper use of 911 to the woman who, surprisingly, did not appear to have been drinking. No word on whether she ever got her pizza.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from western Pennsylvania, where bozo Raymond Jaques was caught stealing American flags from several American Legion halls. Now, this in itself is a particularly upsetting crime, but it was his excuse for the theft that earned him permanent entry in the Bozo Hall of Shame. When confronted by the cops, he told them that his curtain rod broke at home and he needed something to cover his windows. Hopefully, he’ll get a cell with no windows!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Ocoee, Florida where an arresting officer learned the hard way that you should never count an angry alligator out. Police were called to a Florida neighborhood on a report of a large gator roaming around. The cops found him and, with the help of a gator wrangler, got him all tied up, front and hind legs and snout bound with duct tape. The next step, load him in the back of a pickup and take him out in the swamp and set him free, right? Well, not exactly. The gator wrangler, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, decided to do a little drum solo on his snout. Yep, he treated the critters head like it was a big conga. Well, even a gator can only take so much. As they were loading him into the truck, our gator took careful aim and executed a perfect head butt directly under the chin of his tormenter. Our bozo went flying, and was down for a ten count. The gator, who is now somewhat of a folk hero, was booked and released.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Birmingham, Alabama, where the cops were called to a report of a bank robbery in progress. When they arrived, the found our bozo, still at the teller’s window, trying to get $6000 in cash. It was her note and her choice of “weapon” that merited its place in the Bozo Report. Our female bozo had passed a note demanding the cash and promising a sexual favor for the bank manager if he delivered. The note went on to say if he did not deliver, she would accuse him of sexually assaulting her. Well, that’s an interesting approach. She’s under arrest.