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Bozo for today comes from the Don’t Steal More Than You Can Carry file. Our bozos stole a large aquarium from the PetSmart in Niles, Ohio. The cops were called and an officer spotted two bozos fleeing on a motorcycle with bozo number two trying to balance the big fish tank on his lap. Seeing that things weren’t going as planned, bozo number two jumped off the bike, shattering the aquarium in the process. He was placed under arrest. Meanwhile, bozo number one escaped on the bike, which was found abandoned a short time later behind a Chinese restaurant. Officers searching the area spotted a “nervous looking” man who immediately began to try to prune a small tree with his bare hands, telling the officer he was there to do “yard work.” Closer inspection of the security cameras ID’ed our yard man as bozo number one, who is now also under arrest.

Our bozo for today was guilty of taking an advertising slogan a little too literally. It seems 34 year-old Eric Simpson showed up at the Plaistow, New Hampshire Planet Fitness gym, where they say it is a “judgment free zone.” Not sure exactly what he was asking the patrons to judge when he stripped naked and walked through the gym a couple of times before beginning to stretch on a yoga mat. Everyone quickly got tired of seeing his shortcomings and the cops were called. Busted! And charged with indecent exposure.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York, where our unidentified bozo crashed his newer model Ford Focus into a Family Dollar store. And no, it wasn’t an accident. He used the Ford as a battering ram to get access to the store’s stash of cigarettes. He grabbed 40 packs of smokes and nothing else before pulling away in his heavily damaged car. Hope he enjoyed them in a hurry, as surveillance cameras got a clear picture of him and his car.

What we have today is the Bozo equivalent of Google-ing yourself. Bozo Christian Perez of Thibodaux, Louisiana, started thinking about his legal situation…were there any active warrants out on him or not? So, he did what any bozo would do, he dialed 911, gave the operator his info and asked if she could check to see if he had any outstanding warrants. Officers were dispatched and when they asked our bozo if he knew the difference between an emergency and a non-emergency call, he replied that he did. Well, if you do, then you also understand why we’re now arresting you for abuse of the 911 system.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Josh Widdowson for sending in today’s report from Mt. Pleasant, Pennsylvania. Bozo Michael Matthews was caught up in a police sting operation at a local parking lot, after an undercover agent purchased what was allegedly heroin from him. The officer then found 106 more baggies containing what was appeared to be heroin in his pockets. This led to him offering up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops the pants he was wearing were not his. Didn’t work. He’s busted and in jail on $100,000 bail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Parkland, Florida, where we have a violation of Bozo Rule Number 3337738: Your clothing choice makes a statement, even when you’re a bozo. Our unidentified bozo had his eye on the local bank, planning to pull off a big heist. So he got himself a ski mask and a long sleeved flannel shirt, perhaps to cover up any identifying tattoos. OK, all set, mask on, shirt on, head for the front door and this should all go smoothly, right? Wrong. He didn’t account for the heatwave in Florida, with temperatures in the mid 90’s. And a guy headed to the front door wearing a mask and a long sleeved flannel shirt is bound to attract some attention, right? Yep. An alert bank employee noticed him and used the remote lock button on the front door to keep him from ever getting in. Fail! Cops are looking for him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dover, New Hampshire, where the cops were called to a strip shopping center on a report of an attempted bank robbery. It just so happened that bozo Eric Mitchell was in the shopping center at the same time and, while he was not connected to the bank robbery, he panicked when he saw the police streaming into the lot. So, he did what any paranoid bozo would do. He rushed into a nearby grocery store and attempted to hide in the ceiling. The police were in the store looking at their surveillance cameras to see if they showed any evidence of the bank robbery when they heard a rustling above them. The next thing they knew he came partially crashing through the ceiling right above the seafood section of the deli. Our bozo scrambled to get away and broke through the ceiling in three other places before the cops finally apprehended him. Turns out he was on bail for a drug offense and thought they were coming after him. He’s been charged with criminal mischief, trespass and resisting arrest. No word on the fate of the bank robbers.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Mishawaka, Indiana, where our bozos stole a Walmart trailer full of merchandise from a store in Lansing, Illinois. Now, what do you do with a trailer full of stolen goodies? Take it home, park in in your front yard, and call all your friends to help with unloading it. Yep, that’s exactly what they did. Guess they didn’t think the trailer with “Walmart” in big letters across the side would attract any attention. They were wrong. The cops noticed and our bozos were placed under arrest. The investigation continues as to how they were able to steal an entire trailer full of merchandise without anyone noticing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Destin, Florida, where bozo James Hightower needed a ride home. We can only assume the usual options were not available because the called the 911 operator and asked for deputies to come by and pick him up. The operator declined and told him to call the non-emergency line. Strike one. He immediately called her back and she again told him to call the regular line. Strike two. Unperturbed, he called 911 a third time, and this time was belligerent, cursing at the operator. Strike three. She kept him on the line and dispatched officers. He was still cursing her when the cops arrived. Not surprisingly, they patted him down and found him to be in possession of marijuana and Xanax. Busted! He’s charged with abuse of the 911 system, felony drug possession and misdemeanor marijuana possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vancouver, Washington, where our unidentified bozo broke into a business and proceeded to make himself at home. He grabbed a phone and a TV remote before getting a beer from the fridge. He then microwaved a burrito and was enjoying it when he realized something. He had damaged the back door when breaking in and now he couldn’t let himself out. After trying all possible exits, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 and asked the cops to come free him. The cops didn’t buy his story that he had broken into the business to call 911 because his home had been robbed. He’s busted! Oh, did we forget to tell you what the business was he broke into? The NW Escape Experience is an “escape room” where people pay to be locked in and try to find their way out. Must be harder than it sounds.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vero Beach, Florida, where the cops were called to the local McDonalds after receiving a rather strange 911 call. A woman in the drive-thru lane called the emergency service to report the man behind her was repeatedly tapping her bumper with his car. The cops questioned our bozo and, after noticing his “red and glossy eyes” and the bottle of Jim Beam on the seat beside him, asked him if he had been “drinking and driving.” And that’s when he offered up the Bozo Defense Plea of the Year. He told the cops he was only drinking at “stop signs and red lights”, so technically he wasn’t “drinking and driving.” While he may have had a point, he still failed a field sobriety test and was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vero Beach, Florida, where bozo Tremaine Miller was enjoying his music. Well, maybe enjoying it too much, as an officer was called to a noise disturbance complaint at his residence. When the officer approached, our bozo jumped in his car and attempted to pull away. The officer stopped him and, when he couldn’t understand the name our bozo was giving him, gave him a pen to write it down. Mistake number one: Our bozo tried to write with the wrong end of the pen. Mistake number two: When he did get the pen to write, he misspelled his own name. Mistake number three: When the officer noticed a strong smell of alcohol, our bozo denied having any and “demanded” the officer search his car. It didn’t take the officer long to find a Big Gulp cup half full of ice and booze. Busted! A blood test found him to be four times the legal limit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California, where our bozo rear-ended another car on I-80. Fortunately, there were no serious injuries. Unfortunately, the fuel line on our bozo’s car was punctured, causing the vehicle to burst into flames. Cops arriving on the scene were shocked to see our bozo attempting to light a cigarette in the flames coming from the car. Bad idea. He’s been arrested and charged with DUI.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Winnipeg, Canada, where security camera footage captured one of the stranger attempted burglaries we’ve seen. Our two bozos pulled up to a doggie daycare business in a van. One grabs a large plastic garbage can, apparently intending to load it into the van, because we all know any trash at a doggie daycare must be really valuable, right? Then, something frightens bozo number one and he drops the can and jumps back into the van. Meanwhile, bozo number two, who has been out of camera range, is seen approaching the van, carrying a broken sign. Right, a broken sign. Bozo number one doesn’t see him and takes him out with the open passenger side door. Bozo one leaves his accomplice behind, who is then seen later fleeing the scene on foot. And that trash can they were going to steal…it was full of poop.

Our bozo for today from Melbourne, Florida, comes from the Sometimes They Never Learn file. It seems bozo Charles Fletcher was released from jail on criminal mischief charges. He immediately hailed a cap and asked the driver to take him to his home 30 miles away. Upon arrival, he told the cabbie he would not be able to pay the $70 fare. The cabbie called the cops who gave him a free ride back to jail, this time charged with petty theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where the cops pulled over bozo Scott Green for driving erratically. The officer noticed strong odor of alcohol coming from inside the vehicle and observed our bozo had “red, glassy, bloodshot eyes.” Oh, and there was a bottle of Sailor Jerry Rum on the passenger seat. Then, our he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officer that he wasn’t actually driving the car, it was his dog. Bad idea. The trooper noted that he was the “only occupant” of the car. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the perv department in Madison, Wisconsin. It seems our unidentified 32-year-old bozo liked to take “upskirt” pictures of unsuspecting women. He has just invested in a new piece of hardware, a camera attached to his shoe. Must have been one of those cheap imports, though as the battery exploded before the camera ever started rolling. After being treated for burns on his foot caused by the battery, our bozo felt guilty and tried to turn himself in to the cops. However, the police ruled no crime had been committed as no pictures were taken. He was given counseling and probably told that’s what the internet is for.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Horn Lake, Mississippi, where this summer’s hot weather prompted our unidentified bozo to pick up a mini fridge. Literally. He went to his local Home Depot and grabbed the small refrigerator and headed to his car without bothering to pay for it. Unfortunately, the fridge wasn’t “mini” enough to fit either inside the vehicle or in the trunk. So, he did what any bozo would do. He got in the car, grabbed the fridge with his left arm and drove off, holding on for dear life and dragging the box along the pavement as he drove. He didn’t go very far, deciding to stop at a Wendy’s next door for a snack. Bad idea. The cops were called and our bozo was quickly busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee, where the cops spotted bozo Antonio Franklin rolling a marijuana joint while walking on a downtown street. When he saw the cops approaching, he stuffed the joint into his pocket. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he pulled a plastic baggie containing a white substance out of the same pocket and, when the officer was standing next to him, poured the powder over the officer’s head and tossed the remainder into the air. His excuse? He was “getting rid of the evidence.” Didn’t work. He’s been charged with possession of a schedule IV drug, unlawful use of drug paraphernalia and tampering with evidence.

Police in Multnomah County, Oregon, were called to a report of an accident. When they arrived, they found our rather embarrassed bozo near the roadside and his vehicle barely visible, crashed into the grass and bushes on the side of the road. So was he intoxicated? Nope? Distracted by his cell phone? Nope. Enjoying a really delicious burrito when he lost control? Right. The cops reported “burrito shrapnel” everywhere and declared the tasty treat to be a total loss.