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Bozo criminal for today comes from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where our bozo was accused with “sexual style assault” after spraying a liquid on a woman. Perhaps we should clarify a bit here. The bozo under suspicion is a plastic doll resembling a little boy. Chefs at a Japanese style hibachi restaurant use him to control fires on the
hibachi, pulling down his little shorts and spraying water from where his genital area would be if he wasn’t a plastic
doll. It seems a patron didn’t see the humor in the act and called the cops saying the doll “peed” on her. Police had to make a judgment call here. They declined to file charges, instead warning the restaurant employees to get permission from customers before spraying.

Our bozos for today from Sagadahoc County, Maine, were victims of one of the more unusual sting operations we’ve ever encountered. The sheriff’s office dispatched an officer, dressed in a baseball cap, t-shirt and sneakers to a busy intersection, with the police cruiser parked nearby. The cop then stood at the corner, carrying a sign, looking for all intents and purposes like a typical panhandler. Except for what was written on the sign, “Hello. I’m a Deputy. If you’re TEXTING and driving you are about to get a ticket.” The idea being that if the drivers were so busy texting and driving they’d never bother to read his sign. And they were right. Quite a few bozos were caught, with around a dozen citations being written.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where police were called to a report of a disturbance in a local park. Upon arrival, they found bozo Danielle Taylor running through the park totally naked. But this wasn’t a happy jaunt, she appeared to be quite upset. When they questioned her, she told them that she had taken off her clothes to “escape a giant spider.” Not exactly sure how being naked was supposed to help the situation. After admitting she had taken crystal meth, she was charged with indecent exposure.

Bozo criminals for today come from Sanford, Florida, where the cops attempted to pull over an SUV that had been reported as stolen. The suspects fled from the officers, eventually crashing the car into a ditch. One bozo remained it the car and was taken into custody, while the two others fled in different directions. Bozo number one was quickly captured when K-9 officers found her hiding in nearby bushes. Bozo number two took a different route, fleeing through a cow pasture. Bad idea. The cows did not like their territory being invaded and took off after her in hot pursuit. The cows eventually herded our bozo into a corner of the property and wouldn’t let her out. After freeing her from her captors, our bozo was placed under arrest.

Our bozo for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where our bozo is a member of the University of Iowa football team. Not sure what he was celebrating, but apparently he was over-served just a bit, so he thought he should take an Uber back home. He walked right up to the car and hopped in. Which might have been a good idea except for one small thing…that wasn’t an Uber. He climbed into a marked University of Iowa police car. Oops. He’s been charged with public intoxication.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Texarkana, Arkansas, where bozo Zemarcus Simpson had a rap concert that he really, really wanted to attend. Only problem, the show was in another state and there just wasn’t time enough to drive. So, he did what any bozo would do. He attempted to steal an airplane. Never mind that he didn’t know how to fly it. At about 2:30 AM, airport security noticed our bozo jump a fence and attempt to gain access to an American Eagle twin engine jet. By the time officers arrived our bozo was inside the plane and fiddling with the controls. Fortunately, none of the buttons he hit was “Start.” Officers boarded the plane and took our bozo into custody. When asked if he had any experience as a pilot, he replied that, while he did not, he figured all you had to do was “push some buttons and pull some levers.” He’s under felony charges of commercial burglary and theft of property.

Bozo criminal for today comes from DeLand, Florida, where bozo Angel Jones’ car had been impounded by the cops and she wanted it back. So she headed to the lot where it was being kept, told the employees she would pay the $700 impound fee but first needed to get her wallet out of the car. A tow yard employee took her to her car, handed her the keys and then she did the unexpected. She jumped in, started it up and attempted to drive away. The employee quickly called the office and told them to lock the gate, but that didn’t stop our bozo. She simply sped up and rammed the gate. However, it was stronger than she expected and, after two attempts at breaking through, she backed up and headed for the woods on the back of the property. Unfortunately for her, there was a strong fence back there, too. The car got tangled up in the fence and was stuck tight. Seeing things weren’t going as planned, our bozo surrendered after a K-9 officer was dispatched to the scene. She’s been charged with possession of methamphetamine, burglary of a conveyance, resist arrest with violence, aggravated battery, aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer, grand theft—motor vehicle, and two counts of criminal mischief over $1000.

Our bozo for today proves once again that bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. Our swiped the keys to a car, along with a wallet and other items from a locker at a gym. He then found the vehicle in the parking lot and proceeded to drive away. Or at least attempt to drive away. You see, it was a new car with an electric parking brake and our bozo didn’t know how to disengage it. The car was also equipped with a dashcam, which recorded his panic when the alarm buzzer kept going off to warn him about the brake. Finally, he found the little lever to turn off the brake, but he pulled it so hard that it broke, resulting in the brake being locked in the “on” position. The video also shows him attempting to defrost the windows and turn off the windshield wipers, which he couldn’t figure out either. Busted! Next time read the manual first!

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in London, Ontario, Canada. We’re not exactly sure what he was looking for, but our bozo grabbed a bicycle chain and smashed the glass door of a store. After going inside and taking a look around, he left empty-handed and moved to the next business. He did the same thing, smashing the glass front door. His trail of mayhem stopped there. Guess he didn’t notice the business next door wasn’t actually a retail establishment but the local police station. Oops. He was subdued with a taser and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Austin, Texas where bozo David Gomez had the bright idea of robbing a busy local Whataburger restaurant. Only problem, he didn’t have a weapon. So, it’s time to improvise. He grabbed a pair of tongs from the kitchen and walked up to the cash register, threatening the employee with the tongs and demanding cash. His weapon didn’t cause the desired fear and an employee came to the rescue and escorted our bozo out of the restaurant while another called the cops. He was apprehended nearby and faces charges of robbery by threat.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Frederick, Maryland, where cops were called to a report of a suspicious man hanging around cars in a parking lot. When they arrived, they found bozo Matthew Richardson peering into cars, apparently looking for something of value to steal. The cops ordered him to stop, but he ignored them and tried to simply walk away. After a brief scuffle he was taken into custody and it was then he made the Bozo Offer of the Week. He told the cops he worked at Krispy Kreme and would get them free doughnuts if they would let him go. In spite of what you may have heard, this was a bad idea. He was found to be in possession of marijuana and an air pistol and was charged with trying to bribe a public officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California, where our 17-year-old bozo discovered that his phone plan had used up all its data for the month. What to do? Maybe contact your provider and up the plan? Nah, too much trouble. Break into a home, wake up a sleeping couple and demand their Wifi password? Yep, that’s exactly what he did. Didn’t work out as planned, though. The homeowner got out of bed and promptly shoved out bozo out the front door before calling cops. He’s been arrested and charged with felony charges of burglary. And to compound his problems, the jail doesn’t have free wifi.

Bozo for today comes from the Don’t Steal More Than You Can Carry file. Our bozos stole a large aquarium from the PetSmart in Niles, Ohio. The cops were called and an officer spotted two bozos fleeing on a motorcycle with bozo number two trying to balance the big fish tank on his lap. Seeing that things weren’t going as planned, bozo number two jumped off the bike, shattering the aquarium in the process. He was placed under arrest. Meanwhile, bozo number one escaped on the bike, which was found abandoned a short time later behind a Chinese restaurant. Officers searching the area spotted a “nervous looking” man who immediately began to try to prune a small tree with his bare hands, telling the officer he was there to do “yard work.” Closer inspection of the security cameras ID’ed our yard man as bozo number one, who is now also under arrest.

Our bozo for today was guilty of taking an advertising slogan a little too literally. It seems 34 year-old Eric Simpson showed up at the Plaistow, New Hampshire Planet Fitness gym, where they say it is a “judgment free zone.” Not sure exactly what he was asking the patrons to judge when he stripped naked and walked through the gym a couple of times before beginning to stretch on a yoga mat. Everyone quickly got tired of seeing his shortcomings and the cops were called. Busted! And charged with indecent exposure.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York, where our unidentified bozo crashed his newer model Ford Focus into a Family Dollar store. And no, it wasn’t an accident. He used the Ford as a battering ram to get access to the store’s stash of cigarettes. He grabbed 40 packs of smokes and nothing else before pulling away in his heavily damaged car. Hope he enjoyed them in a hurry, as surveillance cameras got a clear picture of him and his car.

What we have today is the Bozo equivalent of Google-ing yourself. Bozo Christian Perez of Thibodaux, Louisiana, started thinking about his legal situation…were there any active warrants out on him or not? So, he did what any bozo would do, he dialed 911, gave the operator his info and asked if she could check to see if he had any outstanding warrants. Officers were dispatched and when they asked our bozo if he knew the difference between an emergency and a non-emergency call, he replied that he did. Well, if you do, then you also understand why we’re now arresting you for abuse of the 911 system.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Josh Widdowson for sending in today’s report from Mt. Pleasant, Pennsylvania. Bozo Michael Matthews was caught up in a police sting operation at a local parking lot, after an undercover agent purchased what was allegedly heroin from him. The officer then found 106 more baggies containing what was appeared to be heroin in his pockets. This led to him offering up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops the pants he was wearing were not his. Didn’t work. He’s busted and in jail on $100,000 bail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Parkland, Florida, where we have a violation of Bozo Rule Number 3337738: Your clothing choice makes a statement, even when you’re a bozo. Our unidentified bozo had his eye on the local bank, planning to pull off a big heist. So he got himself a ski mask and a long sleeved flannel shirt, perhaps to cover up any identifying tattoos. OK, all set, mask on, shirt on, head for the front door and this should all go smoothly, right? Wrong. He didn’t account for the heatwave in Florida, with temperatures in the mid 90’s. And a guy headed to the front door wearing a mask and a long sleeved flannel shirt is bound to attract some attention, right? Yep. An alert bank employee noticed him and used the remote lock button on the front door to keep him from ever getting in. Fail! Cops are looking for him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dover, New Hampshire, where the cops were called to a strip shopping center on a report of an attempted bank robbery. It just so happened that bozo Eric Mitchell was in the shopping center at the same time and, while he was not connected to the bank robbery, he panicked when he saw the police streaming into the lot. So, he did what any paranoid bozo would do. He rushed into a nearby grocery store and attempted to hide in the ceiling. The police were in the store looking at their surveillance cameras to see if they showed any evidence of the bank robbery when they heard a rustling above them. The next thing they knew he came partially crashing through the ceiling right above the seafood section of the deli. Our bozo scrambled to get away and broke through the ceiling in three other places before the cops finally apprehended him. Turns out he was on bail for a drug offense and thought they were coming after him. He’s been charged with criminal mischief, trespass and resisting arrest. No word on the fate of the bank robbers.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Mishawaka, Indiana, where our bozos stole a Walmart trailer full of merchandise from a store in Lansing, Illinois. Now, what do you do with a trailer full of stolen goodies? Take it home, park in in your front yard, and call all your friends to help with unloading it. Yep, that’s exactly what they did. Guess they didn’t think the trailer with “Walmart” in big letters across the side would attract any attention. They were wrong. The cops noticed and our bozos were placed under arrest. The investigation continues as to how they were able to steal an entire trailer full of merchandise without anyone noticing.