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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from Cochise County, Arizona. It seems our bozo, fresh out of prison, took a liking to a truck driver stopped at the Love’s in Wilcox, Arizona. Or maybe what he really liked was the load the driver was hauling. A truckload of brand new Chevrolet Corvettes, valued at over $1,250,000. Anyway, he struck up a conversation with the driver and ended up grabbing him and throwing him out of the cab. He then took off down the highway with his load of ‘Vettes. Needless to say, this attracted the attention of local law enforcement and it wasn’t long before they had him pulled over. It was then he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he didn’t really care about the Corvettes, he just needed a truck to get home as he had just been released from prison. Sure. He’s headed right back, charged with multiple felony charges, including robbery, 11 counts of theft of means of transportation and felony theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from the International File in London, England. In a classic case of self-arrest, our bozo dialed 999, the British equivalent of 911, and told the operator he’d had a rough weekend. He went on to say he was drunk and “didn’t know what he was doing.” Fortunately, he knew enough to pull over to the side of the road, where the police found him shortly thereafter. Busted! And charged with drunken driving.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Our bozo had a little start-up drug business outside a casino in Calgary and sales weren’t as good as he had hoped. So, he did what any bozo would do, he decided to advertise by handing out business cards…with a small baggie of cocaine attached to the back of the card. It didn’t take long before the cops got wind of his little operation and, since his phone number and contact information were right there on the card, he was pretty easy to track down. They found him in possession of 50 baggies of cocaine, a digital scale with drug residue, and $1280 in cash. Cops also seized a box of business cards with the name “Alex Lee.” Busted! Charged with possession of drugs with intent to distribute.

With Christmas behind us, we are now seeing stores stocked with items for upcoming holidays, and that ultimately led to the arrest of our bozo for today from Tarpon Springs, Florida. Apparently bozo John Richardson was in line to check out at the local Circle K when he suddenly became irate. As the cashier tried to complete the transaction, our bozo switched checkout lines and handed his money to another clerk. He then picked up a chocolate Easter egg and hurled it at the first cashier. But he wasn’t done, as he then jumped over the counter and continued to pummel the poor employee with the chocolate confection. Cops were called and Peter Cottontail was tracked down and arrested, charged with battery, and booked into the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today from Bangor, Maine, got a little chatty with his Uber driver. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be a bad thing, but the subject matter was somewhat questionable. On the way to the local TJ Maxx, Bozo Kevin Garrison told the driver that he planned to rob the store when he got there. And, by the way, he had warrants out for his arrest. And, he had drugs on him, which he proved by showing them to the driver. The driver took it all in and called the cops when he dropped Mr. Chatty off. The cops arrived quickly, before he had a chance to pull off the heist. He was found to be in possession of drugs. It was also determined he had been arrested 12 times this year and had seven sets of pre-conviction bail prohibiting him from returning to multiple businesses due to theft charges at those stores. Busted! Charged with theft, refusal to submit to arrest, drug possession, and violation of conditions of release.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Lawrence, Indiana. Bozo Justin Carter pulled up to the Buffalo Wild Wings around closing time and tried to order some fried pickles. Upon being told that the kitchen was closed, our bozo told employees that he would “make it worth it” if they would get those pickles frying. Our bozo, who was wearing an ankle monitor as a result of a prior drug arrest, offered marijuana, cocaine, Ecstasy, and vape cartridges containing THC in exchange for said pickles. Employees said no deal and our bozo left, but not before leaving three small bags of marijuana, telling the manager to “Give those bags to the kids.” Cops were called and they tracked our bozo to the nearby Speedway gas station where he was busted. Charged with multiple felony and misdemeanor narcotics charges and booked into the county jail.

Our bozo for today from St. Petersburg, Florida, committed perhaps the most heinous holiday crime since Grandma got flattened by that reindeer. Cops were called to a residence on Christmas Eve on a report of domestic battery. The police found our victim recuperating on the couch with “numerous scratches on his upper body and arms.” It seems the man and his girlfriend got into an argument over infidelity when the woman picked up the family Christmas tree and began to give the man a holiday thrashing. Oh Tannenbaum indeed. She’s been charged with domestic battery and booked into jail and they both have been ordered to have no contact with each other. No word on the fate of the tree.

Bozo criminal for today resides in Arkansas but his problems began when he was trying to pass through security at New York’s LaGuardia airport. Something strange in his carry-on on triggered an alarm from a TSA checkpoint. Upon further inspection, agents found seventeen 9mm bullets hidden inside a diaper. Yep, that diaper was fully loaded. Initially, the man denied knowing the bullets were there, but eventually changed his story to blame his girlfriend. Busted! He’s been charged with unlawful possession of 9mm ammunition.

Bozo criminals for today come from Murietta, California where a bozo team pulled of a heist a a local nail and fastener supply store, getting away with about $600 worth of merchandise. End of story, right? Wrong. It seems one of our bozos dropped her cell phone, with credit cards and ID inside the case, in the store. So she marched right back in to demand that the manager give her the phone back. The quick thinking manager tried to bargain with her, offering to give her the phone in exchange for the return of the merchandise. She responded to that request by slapping him up side the head. She grabbed her phone and made getaway number two. Unfortunately for our bozos surveillance video got a good picture of them and their getaway vehicle. In fact the cops found them, still in their car, along with the stolen merchandise, just a few minutes later. Busted! Charged with robbery and assault.

Bozo criminals quite often come up with some strange requests but this one is a doozy. From Jensen Beach, Florida comes the story of bozo Ariella Marella who was the subject of a search warrant early Tuesday. At her residence, SWAT team members seized cocaine, meth, drug paraphernalia and brass knuckles. Additionally, she was on probation for a 2022 conviction for possession of cocaine, Ecstasy, and marijuana. Quite the fun girl, apparently. But it was when they reached for her backpack that she got the most agitated. “Don’t take my dildo!” she shouted. She’s headed to jail. Whereabouts of the dildo are unknown.

It’s an annual tradition, Santa Claus makes his appearance in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade and our “bozo footprints in the snow” story follows shortly thereafter. This year’s cold case comes from Monroe, Michigan, where the cops were dispatched to a report of a porch pirate stealing packages delivered at the front door of some residences. Our bozo didn’t know it, but he already had two strikes against him. One, a nice picture of him caught in the act by the Ring doorbell. And, two, those footprints he left behind in the snow as he ran from the house, not to mention the package wrapping he dropped along the trail. It wasn’t long before the cops spotted him and when his boot prints matched the prints in the snow he was busted.

Bozo criminal for today from Lake County, Florida is from the Senior Division. Any of us that are married may be able to relate to this one. Our 70-year-old bozo became upset with his wife when he discovered that “once again” the coffee maker had no water in it. The spat quickly escalated and our bozo picked up the first weapon he could find. A package of Oreos. Yep, he threw a package of Oreos at her, allegedly knocking her down. Police could find “no obvious injuries” but our bozo was arrested and charged with domestic violence anyway. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Our bozo for today from Lakeland, Florida must have been a fan of the old Cheech and Chong “Dave’s not here, man” bit. It seems bozo Johnny Yates was wanted by the cops on aggravated battery, false imprisonment and tampering charges. The cops got a lead on where he was holed up and when they arrived, they found a whiteboard sign on the front door saying “Johnny Yates does NOT live here.” Not taking the word of a dry erase board, the cops knocked on the door and asked Johnny to come out. When there was no response, some “surrender smoke” was sent it to speed things along. Our bozo was finally found inside, holed up in a modified chest of drawers. Busted! And for those of you who don’t remember, this ruse didn’t work for Cheech and Chong either, as the Dave who wasn’t there actually was Dave, seen through a cloud of smoke.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Iowa City, Iowa, where where the cops were called to the local Target on a report of a man exposing himself. Upon arrival, store employees were able to show the police a video of our bozo doing just that. Not so fast…we offer you the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he was not “masturbating his actual penis” but instead a “dildo he had in his shorts.” Well. Hope it was good for the dildo, too. The cops weren’t buying this one. He’s busted! Charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Dardanelle, Arkansas. Officers checking on a report of a suspicious individual, found bozo Richard Wells wandering around closed businesses at around 3am. What happened next sounds like it came from a Cheech and Chong movie. When asked for his date of birth, he said he couldn’t remember. “Maaan I forgot!” He then made a really big mistake when he gave the cops permission to check his backpack. Inside they found meth, a spoon covered with meth, needles and….a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card. Unfortunately that card only words on board games. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, Louisiana, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at Glenwood Regional Health Center. Upon arrival, they found Bozo Matthew Barker acting aggressively toward the hospital staff. The police report says he was “extremely combative and aggressive”, making “numerous threats.” So what exactly did this guy do to deserve being included in the Bozo Report? It was his choice of weapon. A nurse said he had repeatedly tried to stab her with a plastic spork from the dinner tray. She was able to excape un-sporked and our bozo was charged with assault and booked into jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Matias Joost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Grand Forks, British Columbia, Canada. RCMP was called to a report of an intoxicated man. Upon arrival the RCMP found our bozo to indeed be drunk and uncooperative as he attempted to navigate around in his canoe. Yep, we have a drunk bozo in a canoe. Only in Canada. He eventually made his way to a dock where he climbed out of the canoe and then attempted to hide himself underneath the pier. He continued to ignore orders to surrender and finally an officer had to climb into the water and retrieve Captain Ahab. Busted! And charged with “impaired operation of a boat.”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cobb County, Georgia, where our bozo and a couple of his friends enjoyed a tasty meal at the Juicy Crab restaurant, running up a $100 tab. When they were done, our bozos simply got up and left without paying. And they might have gotten away with it except for one small detail. The head bozo left his phone behind on the table. Uh-oh. And the store manager snapped a picture of the license plate as they drove away. Double uh-oh. And investigating officers noticed the photo on the lock screen of the phone was a selfie of our bozo who was wanted on a murder charge. Triple uh-oh. A license plate reader got a hit on the car a short time later and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in today’s report from the International File in the Fujian province in China. You’re no doubt familiar with smartphone stores that have the newest phones on display, attached to the counter by a metal cable. Our bozo had the solution to this problem. Cut the cable. With her teeth. Yep, security cam footage showed her gnawing on the metal cable when she thought no one was looking. She must have some powerful chompers, because a few minutes later both she and the phone were gone, with only a shredded cable left behind. Unfortunately for her the cops were able to track her down before she was even able to enjoy her new phone. And the Bozo Excuse of the Week? She said she entered the store with the intention of buying a new phone but the sticker shock left her so exasperated that she decided to take matters into her own hands. Or in this case, her own teeth. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where the cops had run into nothing but dead ends in trying to solve a murder from 2021. A detective was perusing You Tube when he came upon a music video by a rapper who goes by the name of “The BiggestFinn 4800”. In the video, Mr. 4800 brags about killing someone and re-enacts details of the murder. Fine. Except for the fact that specific details of the murder, that had not been released to the public, were included in the song. And he also included elements of the victim’s death in the video that were “consistent with evidence at the scene”. Busted! Held on $1 million bond and charged with open murder with a deadly weapon and violating his parole.