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Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Gardinia Mays walked up to the desk at the Ace Rent a Car and requested a vehicle. When she was told that there were no cars available, she did what any bozo would do. She walked into the parking lot and, finding one with the keys in it, climbed in and drove off, stopping at the Travelodge less than a mile away. It was when the cops arrested her when she offered up the Bozo Excuses of the Week. First, “Y’all talking about how y’all didn’t have any cars to rent so I stole y’all’s (expletive).” And then, the ultimate excuse, “Demons told me to do it, I didn’t take it, the demons took it.” Sorry, those excuses don’t work. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Castelnuovo Magra, Italy, had big plans. They would steal a 17th Century painting from the Santa Maria Maddalena Church, valued at $3.4 million and, after fencing it, be set for life. Unfortunately, at least one of the thieves had a big mouth and had been talking about the heist around town. Word spread quickly and it got back to the police, who developed a plan of their own. They swapped out the original with a fake. And when the day came for the big theft, our bozos didn’t notice the difference and took the bogus one. And the cops also installed some cameras, which they hope will lead them to the arrest of our bozos.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Houlton, Maine. It seems that Bozo brothers Damien and Bailey Wilson, ages 22 and 21 respectively, were interested in survivalism and, according to their father, liked to do “different” things. They came up with a real doozy this time. Our bozos, who reside in Canada, thought that it would be fun to see if they could drive from Canada to Mexico without making any stops for fuel. So the first thing to do is buy a modern fuel efficient car, right? Wrong. Instead they bought a blue 1967 Buick Skylark with no certificate of registration, legal documents or license plates. Bad idea number one. The second part of the plan, to make no stops for fuel, required loading 21 jugs of gasoline in the back seat and trunk. Bad idea number two. The third part of the plan was to avoid detection by using only back roads. So they purchased a bunch of old fashioned paper maps. Bad idea number three. They didn’t even get out of Canada before they found themselves approaching one of the busiest US/Canada crossings. Our bozos then just froze, stopping their car car in the middle of the road. As you can imagine, a 1967 Buick loaded with jugs of gasoline caused quite a stir at the border crossing. Drones, helicopters, police dogs and a SWAT team were called in. Our bozos were taken into custody and, after their father corroborated their strange story, were sentenced to three months in prison for obstructing law enforcement.

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Deer Township, Pennsylvania, where bozo Clayton Mitchell was a passenger in a car pool vehicle. It was a normal day until the driver started singing. Christmas songs. In March. When this continued for a while, our bozo finally had all he could take and reached over the seat and attempted to choke out our would-be Bing Crosby. Another passenger called the cops and, after an altercation, our bozo was placed under arrest and charged with aggravated assault, among other offenses. Our bozo singer was advised to keep his holiday spirit to himself.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Patna, India, where a jewelry store owner noticed a pair of valuable diamond earrings was missing from the display case. Since there hadn’t been any suspicious customers, his first thought was perhaps one of his employees had pilfered the diamonds. So, he decided to check security footage. And sure enough, the thief was caught red-handed. Or perhaps red-footed. The tape showed a large rat prowling the store after hours. The rat took a liking to a particular pair of earrings and was seen carrying them back into the ceiling. The investigation continues, but at this time, neither rat nor earrings has been found.

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Palm Beach, Florida, where bozo Shane Moore stole a bag of coins from an office. Now, if you’re a bozo who suddenly finds yourself in possession of a bunch of coins, what do you do? First, you try to sell what you can. Then, if you find no takers, you head down to the local grocery store and run them through the change machine to convert them to cash. Good plan, right? Wrong. Most of these coins were collectable, worth in excess of $33,000. And the machine only gave him face value. Plus it took out a service fee for doing the job. And took a picture to help the cops ID him. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Silver Spring, Maryland, where our bozos had a plan for stealing an ATM from a local convenience store. First, they used their pickup to smash through the front windows of the store. Then, security cameras show three masked bozos jump out of the truck and enter the store with a hand truck. The ATM is heavier than they expected and our bozos struggle to get the machine on the truck. One bozo is not doing his part and receives a punch on the arm from the head bozo, encouraging him to get to work. In the meantime, the getaway driver gets nervous and decides to leave on his own. Finally, our bozos get the ATM out the door, only to have it fall off the dolly and onto one of the suspects. It was at this time that they realize their ride has left. Deciding that it just wasn’t worth the effort, our bozos scatter, with one of them coming back a short time later to grab the hand truck. Police are looking for suspects.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cuyahoga County, Ohio, where Bozo David Carter had just received his guilty verdict on charges of domestic violence and destruction of property. It was after the judge issued his sentence that he secured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. His lawyer turned to our bozo to say a few words and the next thing he knew he was being helped up by court officers. Yep, our bozo had punched his lawyer in the face. Bad idea. He now faces more charges on top of the 47 years in prison he had just received. The lawyer suffered only minor injuries.

Our bozos for today come from Butler County, Ohio. And we would like to thank the sheriff of Butler County for outlining the Bozo Rules that were broken by this bozo couple. Bozo Rule #334479: Don’t park in a handicapped space anywhere, especially at the sheriff’s office, if you are not handicapped. And don’t park in front of the Sheriff’s personal car when you do so. Bozo Rule #773928: When an officer tells you to move your illegally parked vehicle, don’t jump out of the car and run away. Bozo Rule #209383: Do not jump into a strangers vehicle and tell them you need a ride because you have warrants against you. Bozo Rule #456093: Do not come to the sheriff’s office with your car loaded with stolen items and do any of the above. That’s exactly what happened to our bozos, who are now under arrest on numerous charges, including outstanding warrants.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Honolulu, Hawaii. We have all felt frustration over having to go to jury duty but our bozo took it a little too far. Bozo Jacob Morrison didn’t want to have to spend all day on jury duty, so during a break he began shouting, “He is guilty, he is guilty,” outside a courtroom. Bad idea. He wasn’t selected for the jury but he was placed under arrest for contempt of court and ordered to spend the night in jail.

Our bozo for today from Elizabeth City, North Carolina is a rare two time bozo. You may remember bozo Bradley Harrison was arrested a few years back after he won a donut eating contest at a police event during National Night Out. Officers recognized him at the event as someone they’d been looking for in connection with a couple of felony burglaries. Apparently he still hasn’t learned his lesson. He’s been arrested again and charged with felony breaking and entering and felony safe cracking in connection with a burglary at a local business. And that local business? Dunkin Donuts. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Van Buren, Arkansas, where the cops received a 911 call reporting a case of underage drinking at a residence. When they arrived, a young man came out with his hands up. The cops observed that he seemed to be a little drunk, but not to the point of passing out, so they encouraged him to just go back inside and sleep it off. When he declined, they asked to talk to the person who had called in the report. And that’s when our bozo said, “Me.” Right. The 18-year-old had apparently been drinking alone at home and started feeling guilty so he called the cops on himself. Once again, the cops told him to just go back inside. Once again he refused. Under Arkansas law, anyone charged with public intoxication must be jailed for a minimum of six hours, so he was hauled off to jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in West Midlands, England. Our bozo team broke into a residence and stole numerous items, including handbags, jewelry, watches and luggage, which they loaded into their getaway car. Then, they noticed something even more valuable. The key fob to a Ferrari 488. Now, we know you’re expecting this to be a typical “bozos don’t know how to drive stick” story, but you’d be wrong. This Ferrari was an automatic. But, being an exotic car, the automatic wasn’t as simple as PRN and D. Our bozos figured out how to get it into reverse and backed out of the driveway. But, once they got into the street, try as they may, they just couldn’t find the “D” button. After trying for several minutes, they gave up and left the car sitting in the road. Police have DNA evidence from the scene and hope to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Craigavon, Northern Ireland. Our bozo called the cops to complain that she’d been duped…spending $260 for what she thought was cocaine. Now, we’ve had this sort of complaint before but it was what our bozo dealer had used as the “fake” cocaine that caused this story to end up in the bozo report. Apparently, the “cocaine” was brown sugar. Not a sweet deal at all.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sulphur, Louisiana, where the cops were called to a report of a prowler wearing an all-black outfit. After searching the area for a while, the cops caught a glimpse of the dark clad intruder, and, when he ignored an order to stop, followed him into a residence. They found him inside, hiding under a mattress. But it was his choice of garb that led to his inclusion in the Bozo Hall of Fame. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he was wearing a full gorilla suit, including face mask. He was charged with multiple offenses, including unauthorized entry of an inhabited dwelling, methamphetamine possession, resisting a police officer with violence or force, and wearing a mask or hood in public.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterville, Maine, where a recent cold snap turned out to be our crook’s downfall. Literally. It seems bozo Jason Mitchell had plans for robbing the Bangor State Bank. He walked in, demanded cash, got it and fled, running across four lanes of traffic. So far, so good. Now, if he can just make it across the parking lot he should be home free. But…that parking lot was icy and our bozo slipped and fell, dropping his gun and sending money flying everywhere. Still not a problem, right? Just pick yourself up, gather up the cash and continue on your way. Right. Except for one small thing. A state police lieutenant just happened to be in the parking lot at the same time and saw everything. Oops. The cop tackled our bozo and held him down until support arrived. Turns out he was already on probation for burglary. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Sebastian, Florida, where bozo Matthew Anderson was pulled over for speeding. Officers report our bozo was doing 80 MPH and passing cars on the shoulder of U.S. 1. A quick check also found that he had been pulled over by the cops in a neighboring county less than an hour before. His Bozo Excuse? He told the cops he was “thirsty” and wanted a Pepsi. Sorry, that one won’t work. He was placed under arrest.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in London, England, where police received a strange emergency call. Someone reported seeing a person that appeared to be dead just inside the doors of a locked building. Cops rushed to the scene and saw what appeared to be a corpse near the entrance of the Factory Art Gallery. They quickly sprang into action, breaking down the door as paramedics stood by ready to spring into action. Unfortunately, the “corpse” turned out to be made of clothing and wires and was part of a modern art exhibit. Oops. Perhaps this particular exhibit should be moved a little further inside the gallery.

Bozo criminals for today come from Grand Rapids, Michigan, where our two bozo brothers were arrested on a bank robbery charge. It seems they walked into the Huntington bank, passed the teller a note and demanded cash after threatening the teller with a weapon. Sounds like a pretty well executed crime, right? Wrong. Apparently scrap paper was in short supply that day so one of the bozos wrote the hold up note on a piece of paper he found in his pocket. And that paper just happened to be a federal probation office form with a date on it. And that date just happened to be the day that one of our bozos visited his probation officer there. Oops. They’ve been sentenced to 50 years in prison.

Our bozos for today come from the International File in Leamington, Ontario, Canada where the cops were puzzled by a report of some rather strange counterfeit bills that were being passed around town. The phony money was a Canadian $20 with a nice picture of the queen on the front, along with the Maple Leaf. So far, so good. And then there were those Chinese characters, in pink. Huh? Yep, they were obviously fake $20s made in China where such currency is sometimes burned in ceremonies during important festivals, such as the Lunar New Year. No word on how many of these fakes were successfully passed before someone caught on.