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The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland, where Jeffrie Thomas walked into a Signet Bank branch and handed the teller a note demanding money. The teller gave the Bozo the cash and when he walked away, she set off the silent alarm for the police. The police arrived very quickly, too quickly for the Bozo. You see, after getting the money from the teller, Jeffrie walked over to a nearby counter and began counting his loot. He was still standing there counting when the police arrived!

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Antwerp, Belgium comes the story of a burglar who was surprised while trying to break into a house. The Bozo fled out the back door, down an alley and climbed over an nine foot wall. Only one problem–the nine foot wall surrounded the exercise yard of the city prison.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Cookstown, Ireland comes Bozo Michael Coulter who was arrested for shoplifting shoes, socks and boxer shorts from a department store. This Bozo violated the first rule of a successful shoplifter–be inconspicuous. You see, our Bozo is perhaps the tallest man in all of Ireland-at seven feet five inches tall. He attracted quite a bit of attention as he tried to stuff the shorts and socks into his pants.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Albany, N.Y., where Bozo Michael Murray tried to hold up a convenience store during the huge "April Fools Day Snowstorm" of 1997. In the course of the robbery, the store clerk began struggling with the bozo and the sawed off shotgun the Bozo was carrying went off, shooting the Bozo Michael in the hand. The wounded Bozo ran out of the store and into the snowstorm, heading back to his apartment where he called 911. When the paramedics and the cops arrived, they became a little suspicious when the Bozo told them how he hurt his hand. He said he cut it mowing his lawn. Keeping in mind that the Bozo lived in an apartment and there was a blinding snowstorm going on at the time, the story flopped. He’ll have lots of free time in jail to try to come up with a better story.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas where Bozo Charles Taylor was on trial for stealing a pair of tan hiking boots. The store manager was on the stand identifying Taylor as the Bozo who stole the boots when the judge noticed that the alleged thief had his feet propped up on the table–and he was wearing a pair of tan hiking boots. After a quick check it was determined that these were the same exact boots the Bozo was accused of stealing. The boots were confiscated and the bozo was sent off to jail in his socks.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Ypsilanti, Michigan where a Bozo walked into a Burger King at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down, saying he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. OK, the Bozo said, give me a burger and an order of onion rings. Sorry, the clerk said, those items are sold after 10:30 a.m. only. Frustrated, confused and not wanting breakfast, the Bozo shrugged and left empty handed. The Bozo remains at large.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee where 18 year old Brandon Hughes appeared in court on a minor charge of driving with a suspended driver’s license. He walked up to the stand with his hand in his pocket and when he took it out to place it on the bible, a little plastic bag of white powder fell out. Yep, it was cocaine, right there in front of the judge, the sheriff and several deputies. The most the Bozo would have received for the auto violation was a fine. He’s now looking at 12 years.

(No Foolin’!) The Bozo Criminal for today might have never made the bozo rap sheet if he had only owned a drill. Bozo Joseph Aaron was charged with reckless use of a firearm after he admitted himself to the hospital in Wesley Chapel, Florida with a gunshot wound to the leg. It seems our Bozo was installing a new tail pipe on his car. He needed to bore a hole in the pipe to mount it and since he had no drill he decided he would simply shoot a hole in the tailpipe with his trusty hand gun. Bad idea. The bullet ricocheted off the pipe and lodged in the Bozo’s leg.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from San Antonio, Texas, where police arrested Bozo Amy Brasher after an auto mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were hidden in the engine compartment of her car. The Bozo had brought the car in for an oil change and told the police she knew the marijuana was there but didn’t realize the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ft. Meyers, Florida, where Bozo Gregory Williamson got himself released from jail when his girlfriend faxed an official looking document, using the governor’s stationery, granting the Bozo a pardon. The Bozo was released from jail and might have gotten away with it except for the fact that after he was released he sent another fax to the jail asking for a pardon for his cellmate. The police began to get suspicious and checked the fax number printed automatically on the top of the fax and traced it to the Bozo’s apartment.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Leonia, N.J. Bozo Maria Graef became so enraged that her next door neighbor’s sprinkler system was causing a puddle to form in her yard that she rammed his garage with her car and then barricaded herself in her home for 20 hours in a standoff with police. After making several offers to the Bozo to give up, the police set upon a plan that would only work with a True Bozo. The idea was to turn on the Bozo’s own water sprinkler. This enraged Bozo Maria so much that she ran out of the house in her nightgown to turn it off and was promptly captured by the police.

Several years ago Dustin Hoffman described Academy Awards "Oscar" as a naked person holding a sword. The Bozo Criminal for today fits this description and was sighted in Portland, Oregon during a snowstorm. A totally naked man carrying a sword walked into a convenience store and headed for the beer cooler. The Bozo pointed the sword at the store clerk and said, "I’m thirsty." Not wanting to argue with a naked Bozo carrying a sword, the clerk reached for a six pack, but before he could hand it to him, the naked Bozo turned and headed back out into the snowstorm. Police caught up with the naked sword carrier a few blocks away, still naked, presumably still thirsty and definitely still stupid.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas, where Bozo Randy Harrigan was arrested at an airport hotel after trying to use counterfeit currency. What tipped off the police that the bills might be counterfeit? Only a Bozo would try to pass off a couple of $16 dollar bills!

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Seoul, South Korea comes Bozo Park Sang-Yon who broke into a butcher shop. After stealing all the money from the cash register, the bozo decided to swipe some meat while he was there. He went inside the walk in freezer, which automatically locked behind him. The Bozo endured seven hours in the freezer at 5 degrees before the police thawed him out and took him in.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Radnor, Pennsylvania, where police interrogated a Bozo by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a nearby photocopy machine, telling the Bozo it was an advanced lie detector. The police had placed the message "He’s Lying"in the copier and each time they thought the bozo wasn’t telling the truth, they’d hit the copy button. Of course, the machine would then spit out the result, "He’s Lying." Amazed at the accuracy of the new machine, the Bozo simply confessed.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Washington, D.C. and for a change this Washington Bozo isn’t a politician. Bozo Reggie Brown broke out of a D.C. jail and sought refuge at his girlfriend’s apartment. This seemed to be a good idea, because several days passed and the fugitive bozo still had not been caught. Then, the bozo’s girlfriend had to appear in court on a robbery charge. She asked the Bozo to accompany her to court, which he did. At the lunch recess, the Bozo went out for a sandwich. While he was gone, the girlfriend needed to see him, so she had him paged, using his real name, over the courthouse public address system. Police officers recognized Reggie’s name and arrested him as the Bozo returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Great Fassl, Montana, where Tina Rae Beavers (yes, this is her real name) was arrested for writhing around naked on the lawn between the local courthouse and the county jail. The reason for such actions, according to Ms. Beavers: her husband was locked up in the jail and on one of her last visits, he told her how bored he was. So…she thought she’d put on a little show for him. Police locked her up for indecent exposure and moved him to a cell without a view.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stamford, Connecticut, where Bozo Archie Arantino was trying to dial the pager number for his favorite drug dealer when he dialed the wrong number. Boy, did he dial the wrong number. Instead of paging his dealer, he paged a cop who took his order for two baggies of marijuana and promptly delivered him to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Staton Island, NY, where Bozo Yolanda Watson had locked herself in her bedroom. Unable to get out, she called 911 for help. The police arrived promptly and first let the Bozo out of the bedroom and then arrested her. The reason–they found 195 marijuana plants growing in her living room!

Bozo criminals for today come from Albany, Georgia, where police arrested seven people believed responsible for three bank and three business robberies. A regular crime wave in Albany. Acting on a tip, the police knocked on the door of the residence housing all seven Bozos. When confronted with the evidence against them, the bozos had little choice but to confess. In this case a picture was literally worth a thousand words. During the robberies, it was the job of one of the Bozos to take pictures of the job. The bozos then had them enlarged and hanging on the wall when the police stopped by!