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A Bozo News Hawk award for this morning goes to Cybele Rowbottom of Manchester, England who sent us this bozo report via e-mail. From the Daily Star comes this story: Man calls the police after he hears breaking glass and fears someone is breaking into his house. Police searched the house to no avail and were preparing to leave. That’s when the home’s owner decided to follow his nose. He noticed a foul smell coming from near the sofa. Checking behind it he found a not so well hidden, but very dirty and smelly bozo. Police held their noses and arrested Bozo Chris Gordon. Maybe next time the bozo should consider stealing a can of Right Guard first.

We have a rare Bozo case today. Both a Bozo criminal and perhaps even a Bozo judge. Here’s the story. 41 year old Francis Glancy of Pittsburgh was held on trial on drunk driving charges after he crashed his bicycle on his way home from a local bar. The bozo could avoid trial and have his record cleaned if he would attend alcohol rehabiliation classes and would agree to have his drivers license suspended for 30 days. The catch is the bozo does not have a drivers license and does not want one. The judge disagreed and ordered him to take a test to get a drivers license just so he could then suspend it.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland where 26 year old bozo Robert Pritchett ran his car off the road and into a tree. Bozo was uninjured but the car was totaled . He flagged down the first car that came by and asked for a ride into town. But before going, the bozo said he better go back to his car and get his stash of marijuana out before the police came by and discovered it. The driver of the car waited patiently for the bozo to come back with his stash and then arrested him. The driver who stopped to help was an off duty police officer.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Birmingham, Alabama where bozo Eddie Phillips was in jail on robbery charges. The bozo sealed his fate when he wrote a letter from jail to a friend on the outside orchestrating the testimony that he wanted him to give at his trial to establish his alibi. He went into detail as to how he really needed his friend to lie for him to get him off the hook. One problem, the bozo sent the letter to the wrong address and when it was returned, jail officials became suspicious, opened the letter and discovered the bozo’s scheme.

Bozo Criminal for today is from the International File. From Geneva, Switzerland comes the story of Franz Koeffler who was sentenced to four years in prison for burglary. The bozo, who was convicted of breaking into over 380 homes at the rate of up to 15 per week, would always press his ear against the door, listening for people inside before breaking in. Police might never have caught him except for one instance in which he stopped by an apartment complex where the doors had been freshly painted. You guessed it, when he pressed his ear against the wet paint, he left police a perfect ear print which they were able to match to the bozo. In fact, when captured, he still had traces of paint inside his ear.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the tale of 46 year old Chan Koon Shing, a small time hood who stopped by the clinic of Dr. Siu-ko and demanded $50 in protection money. The doctor handed it over and then asked for a receipt. The bozo gave him one, complete with his real name and ID card number. The doctor gave the receipt to police who used it to track down and arrest the bozo.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri where police pulled over bozo Richard Finney after he ran a red light. His license was expired and he had no ID but what made the cop suspicious was that the bozo acted as if his jaw was wired shut, barely opening his mouth, even when he spoke. When the cop asked the bozo what was in his mouth, he replied, "Nothing, " through closed lips. The officer pried open the bozo’s mouth and managed to get a small amount of marijuana before the bozo swallowed the rest of it, except for the stuff that wound up stuck in and around his teeth. When the cop asked the bozo what that was, he replied that he’d had pizza for lunch and that it had a lot of parsley on it. Police didn’t buy that story and the bozo was arrested.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Baton Rouge, Louisiana where bozo Justin Miller held up a small cafe. When the cashier balked at giving our bozo any money, the bozo decided he would just grab the cash register and head out the door. Bozo picked it up only to find it was plugged in. Unable to unplug it by jerking on the cord, the bozo bent down to pull the plug. While he was bent over, a quick thinking waitress conked him on the head with a large family size platter of fried chicken, knocking him out cold.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Murfreesboro, Tennessee where bozo Bud Coleman has to win a bozo award for all time worst reaction to being questioned by police. While being interrogated by the authorities about a bank robbery the bozo became visibly upset. When the police again asked the bozo if he had been involved in the bank robbery, the near hysterical bozo reached under the table, pulled a plastic liner out of a nearby wastebasket and placed it over his head in a futile suicide attempt. Upon removal of the plastic bag from his head, the bozo confessed to the crime.

The Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Klamath Falls, Oregon where police responded to a report of an intruder. The victim said the bozo, clad only in his underwear, broke into the house, knocked the homeowner to the floor, grabbed a few items and then left. The police had no trouble catching our 21 year old bozo Brant Kirk. You remember he was wearing only his underwear. Well, he stripped off his pants and shirt in the front yard before breaking in. In his haste to get away he left said pants and shirt behind. He also left behind his wallet and ID which were in his pants.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Minneapolis, Minnesota where police were called to a bank with a report of a robber who got some money and fled out the back door. Police began canvassing the area and checked the Wendy’s right next door. A customer there told police that someone had left a pile of clothes matching those the robber was wearing in the restaurant mens room. In fact, the customer said, that’s the guy over there at the condiments bar, fixing his burger. The bozo had robbed the bank, stopped at the restaurant to change clothes and then decided it was lunch time. He was arrested before he could finish his burger.

Many times bozo criminals who are wanted by the law have been caught when police invited a group of them to a site to receive a large prize, appear as extras in a movie, win Super Bowl tickets or some other attractive gift. But this one sets new records in Bozoland. In Roberta, Georgia, 93 letters were mailed to bozos who were wanted by the cops for various offenses. The letters invited the bozos to come down to the local convention center to take part in a cola taste test. Yep, the Pepsi Challenge. And yep, these bozos actually showed up just to see if they could tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke. Don’t know how the test came out, but a whole bunch of wanted bozos are now under arrest.

The Bozo criminals for today are from the cyberspace file. Five teenagers from Bloomington, Minnesota, were smart enough to break into a computer network but dumb enough to lead the cops directly to their door. The bozos hacked into an internet shopping site and stole about 25 credit card numbers, using them to buy thousands of dollars in merchandise online. Their mistake was in giving their own addresses– they had the stuff shipped right to their doorsteps. They were caught after the card owners saw the purchases on their bills and called the credit card companies. Armed with the bozo’s home addresses, the police had no trouble tracking our thieves down.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Collins, Colorado where bozo Stephen Peterson can never be accused of not keeping his word. The bozo robbed the same 7-11 twice in the same day and as he was leaving the second time, he told the clerk he would be back later in the day when she had more money to rob her again. True to his word, the bozo showed up several hours later to rob the store for a third time. This time he ran smack into detectives who were still investigating the second robbery. He was arrested on two counts of robbery and one count of attempted robbery.

The Bozo criminal for today just couldn’t do anything right. 25 year old Joseph Keitt of Rockaway, NY was driving in Queens when he made and illegal U-turn, which was his first mistake. His second mistake was doing it directly in front of a police patrol car. He was pulled over, whereupon mistake number three was revealed: he was driving with a suspended license. Police hauled him down to the precinct for booking where he made his fourth and final mistake: allegedly offering an officer $500 to drop all charges and let him go. Police locked him up for reckless driving, driving with a suspended license and attempting to bribe a police officer.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where bozo James Hoffman broke into the home of an elderly couple, thinking they would be easy victims. The bozo was unaware of bozo rule #6: Don’t mess with Granny. When the 34 year old bozo demanded money from his victim, a 72 year old woman, she whacked him upside the head with a coffee mug, knocking him to the ground. As the bozo was trying to regain his senses, her 77 year old husband pulled out his trusty pocket knife and held the bozo at bay until police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today violated bozo rule #206: Don’t rob a store while your parents are watching. 21 year old bozo David Ash did not see his parents Frankie and Carolyn parked in front of the Speed Mart store in Northport Alaska when he pulled up. The bozo even brushed past his father without looking up as he went into the store. His parents then watched in amazement as the bozo went behind the counter and held up the cashier. He then ran outside, jumped into his truck and sped off. His parents waited for the police to arrive and then identified their son as the robber. The problems for the bozo were just beginning, however. His car broke down during the getaway and he called his parents for help. They called police and told them where they could find the bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Oslo, Norway comes the story of a bozo criminal who broke into a home, stole a couple of TVs, a VCR and some stereo equipment before realizing that he was on foot and had no way to get the stuff home. So, he did what any bozo criminal would do in such a predicament. He called a cab. He then stacked all the stuff out on the curb and waited for the cab to arrive. The suspicious cabbie took the bozo home and then called the cops who came right over and arrested our bozo thief.

Bozo criminal for today is William Howard, who was wanted in the state of Maryland on assault charges. He skipped bail, and fled to Texas. In the small Texas town of Brookshire, our bozo ran out of gas. Now, if you were a bozo who was on the run from the law and you ran out of gas in a strange town, what would you do? Right–you walk into the police station and aske the officers if they would like to help a man who was down on his luck and out of gas. The cops asked his name and ran it thru their computer. Of course, the bozos name came up with the outstanding warrants and he was promptly arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boise, Idaho, where Harlan Collinsworth called the police to his house to report a number of things that had been stolen in a break-in. The bozo told police the the thieves had taken a VCR, a bong and a marijuana pipe–but, he pointed out proudly, the thieves had missed a film canister full of marijuana. The cops asked the bozo to show them the canister full of dope and when he did, the police arrested the bozo for drug possession.