The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Providence, Rhode Island where a student was arrested for running naked through Coventry High School. He said he was celebrating his Greek heritage and was showing his support of Athens, Greece in its bid for the 2004 Olympics. What really made the guy a bozo was his excuse for being naked–he said its because the ancient athletes always competed in the nude at the Olympics and he was just trying to be like them.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where Bozo Richard King tried to rob a branch of the Bank of America without using a weapon. He walked in, with his hand in his pocket and his thumb and forefinger extended to make it look like he had a gun in his pocket. Things were going along well until the bozo forgot and took his hand out of his pocket. The teller then realized that the bozo did not have a gun and simply walked away to call police. The bozo eventually grew tired of waiting and walked out of the bank and into the arms of arriving police officers.
The Bozo Criminal for this morning comes from Santa Cruz, California where police were investigating a robbery of a residence. Police suspected a youth or a teenager was the culprit since becides taking money and a watch, a skateboard and some baseball cards were stolen. Suspicions of the police were confirmed when they discovered a very important piece of evidence the bozo criminal left behind. His homework, complete with his name at the top.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this bozo criminal story in Ann Landers’ column this week. It seems a husband and wife bozo team decided to rob a service station. The wife held a gun on the assistant manager in the office while the husband forced the manager at gunpoint to the room where the safe was located. While alone with the wife, the assistant manager told her about a wonderful contest they were having and suggested that she enter it. The wife eagerly filled out an entry blank with her name, address and phone number on it and handed it to the assistant manager. The only prize the bozos won was a free ride to the police station.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Bedford, England comes the story of John Mitchell. Mr. Mitchell violated Bozo Rule #3187: Don’t call the police to your house if you are already wanted by the police. Our bozo called up the police to report that his house had been broken into and several items stolen. Police dusted the place for fingerprints and took the bozo’s prints also so that they could eliminate his fingerprints from the others taken from the house. When the police routinely ran a check on the bozo’s prints, they found his prints matched those lifted from several burglary scenes around town.
Thanks to the many Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this bozo criminal story in the Dallas Morning News today. From New Orleans, Louisiana comes the story of Bozo Joshua Clay, 17, who held up a bank in the Crescent City. Bozo pulled a gun on the teller and was given a bag of cash. In addition to the money, the bag also contained one of those exploding dye packets that went off just as the bozo was running out the door. Bozo ran off down the street, heading for his house, dropping red stained bills from the hole blown in his sack as he went. Police simply followed the trail of cash to the bozo’s house and literally caught him red-handed.
The Bozo criminal for today comes directly from jail. Our bozo this morning, Joseph Baker, is already doing time but he’s still causing trouble. The bozo has filed a suit against the county jail because a bag of tortilla chips he purchased at the jail’s store "did not contain the food and drug administration’s regulation that stipulate that nutrition facts must be contained on the package." The bozo is seeking $100,000 in damages because he "suffered health problems" as a result of improper nutritional information.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo Sidonia Williams tried to open a charge account at a department store by flashing a piece of currency in the amount of $1,000,000. Yep, she tried to prove she was credit worthy by showing them a one million dollar bill. Of course, there is no such bill. She had made hers by pasting 0’s on a one dollar bill and then running it through a color copier. She then cheerfully pointed out that she had 194 more of the million dollar bills in her purse. While she was waiting for approval on her credit application, cops showed up and arrested her and her million dollar bills.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from East Providence, Rhode Island, where bozo Chuck Haney was arrested and charged with attempted burglary. Attempted being the key word here because our bozo was physically unable to complete the crime after breaking in. You see, the bozo broke into a gas station by diving headfirst into a plate glass window. He was too injured to steal anything but not so injured that the cops couldn’t take him to the emergency room to be stitched up before hauling him into jail.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Pensacola, Florida where bozo Rosie Lee Hill suspected that the crack cocaine she had just purchased was fake. So, she did what any upstanding bozo would do– She called the police. Cops stopped by, checked the dope, found it to be genuine crack and arrested the bozo for possession.
The Bozo Criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #454: Before going out to do a crime, be sure you’re well rested. From Reno, Nevada comes the story of Charles Price who broke into a house and ransacked it looking for valuables. The bozo got tired during his ransacking and took his shoes off and lied down on the bed to rest for just a few minutes. He was still resting soundly when police found him.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma where bozo Patrick Manning was called for jury duty. Feeling the need to do his patriotic duty, the bozo showed up. During a routine records check, which is given all prospective jurors, an outstanding warrant was turned up. It seems our bozo was a fugitive, wanted on a 1987 capital murder charge. He never got to serve on the jury, but he is now serving time.
A pair of Bozo Criminals today from Statesville, North Carolina where John and Claudia Munson robbed the safe at the restaurant where Claudia worked. They got away with the day’s receipts and decided it might be a good idea to douse the inside of the safe with gasoline and set it ablaze to cover their tracks. Seemed like a good idea except for one problem. The only piece of paper in the whole room that didn’t burn completely was the piece used to start the blaze–a health care form with the bozo’s name and address on it.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee where bozo Ray Talley was sentenced to six months in jail for committing one of the stupidest crimes in Bozo Criminal history. Ray was arrested for placing a 20 foot ladder across some railroad tracks, intending for a train to run over it. Railroad officers saw him place the ladder on the track and were able to remove it before a catastrophe could be created. What really makes Talley a bozo is his reason for placing the ladder on the tracks in the first place. He said he had stolen the 20 foot ladder, but it was too long for him to use. So, he placed it on the track hoping the train would cut it into two ten foot sections. Maybe next time he should steal a saw, too.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the tale of 29 year old Lui Kai-kwong, who, armed with a fruit knife, robbed a bank of a little over $2000 and ran away. The bank’s security guard gave chase, along with a mailman who saw what was going on. The bozo ran and ran and grew more tired, as his pursuers grew ever nearer. In fact, the pursuers were so close that when the postman pulled out his cell phone to call the cops, the bozo snatched it out of his hand and called the cops himself, turning himself in, saying he was totally exhausted. We have here a clear violation of Bozo Criminal Rule #578: If you’re going to rob a bank and flee on foot, be sure you’re in shape.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the tale of 29 year old Lui Kai-kwong, who, armed with a fruit knife, robbed a bank of a little over $2000 and ran away. The bank’s security guard gave chase, along with a mailman who saw what was going on. The bozo ran and ran and grew more tired, as his pursuers grew ever nearer. In fact, the pursuers were so close that when the postman pulled out his cell phone to call the cops, the bozo snatched it out of his hand and called the cops himself, turning himself in, saying he was totally exhausted. We have here a clear violation of Bozo Criminal Rule #578: If you’re going to rob a bank and flee on foot, be sure you’re in shape.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California. Bozo Bobby Wells went into the downtown branch of The Bank of America with the intention of robbing it. He grabbed a deposit slip and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." Then, while waiting in line, he got scared and thought someone might have seen him write the note. So, the bozo leaves and goes down the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting in line here, he handed the teller the note. Seeing the spelling errors on the note, the teller realized she had a bozo on her hands. She told him she could not accept the note because it was on a Bank of America slip and he would either have to write a note on Wells Fargo paper or go back to the Bank of America. The bozo reluctantly said OK and left the bank. He was arrested minutes later while waiting in line at the Bank of America.
The Bozo Criminal for today is from the International File. Bozo William Nixon of Belfast, Northern Ireland turned himself in for robbing a gas station. And he didn’t even know he did it until he saw himself on tv. It seems our bozo had spent his entire welfare check on beer before deciding to use a fake gun to hold up a gas station. It wasn’t until he sobered up and was watching a crime program on tv that he remembered what he’d done–because there he was, on the tv screen, caught in the act of robbing the gas station by a security camera. The very embarassed and now sober bozo turned himself in and apologized to all involved.
A Bozo News Hawk Award today goes to T.L. Reagan who lists his address only as "Real Close E. Texas." T.L. sent us this story concerning some young bozos who were breaking into repair shops and stealing lawn mowers, tools, chain saws and the like. The bozos would then sell the stolen items to friends and neighbors. When one of the neighbors couldn’t get his saw to start, he took it to the repair shop down the street. The mechanic on duty recognized the saw as one stolen from the shop not three days before. He then notified the cops who proceeded down the street to promptly arrested the bozo thief.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts where it is illegal to intercept police radio transmissions. As you might think, it is rather difficult to capture people using these illegal scanners. Police came up with an ingenious plan. They sent out hoax messages on police radio frequencies about little green men in flying saucers landing in the downtown area. When carloads of bozos showed up looking for the aliens, police confiscated their scanning equipment and warned the bozos that scanning police frequencies was against the law.