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Bozo criminal for today comes from Crossville, Tennessee, where bozo Sally Simpson went shopping at the local Walmart. Sometime during her visit she got a hankering for a cup of coffee. And, as everyone knows, there’s just no coffee like Waffle House coffee. So she drove her Walmart motorized scooter right out the front door, through the parking lot and onto Highway 127 in the direction of the nearest Waffle House. She never made it. Police were alerted to a report of someone driving a scooter in the slow lane of the highway. She’s under arrest and the scooter is safely home at Walmart.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Washington County, Oregon, where police received a report of a burglary in progress at a residence. When they arrived, they found the homeowner to be very upset, saying that there was someone in her bathroom behind a locked door. She reported that she could see shadows moving behind the door. The cops investigated and confirmed a rustling noise coming from the bathroom. Deputies quickly surrounded the home and a K-9 team was called in for backup. After using a loudspeaker to call for the suspect to surrender and receiving no response, deputies entered the home with guns drawn. Asking one last time for the perp go give himself up, the cops burst down the door to find…a robotic vacuum cleaner whirring around on the bathroom floor. Yep, the intruder was a Roomba. No charges were filed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania where the cops received a report of a suspicious truck in a housing development where there had been numerous thefts recently. On their way to the scene, they received another report, this time of a stove falling from the back of a truck on Route 30. Witnesses said the driver tried unsuccessfully to get the stove back into the truck bed and ended up leaving it behind when he drove away. Using a license plate given them by one of the witnesses, the cops tracked down our stove thief, who gave them a story that he was simply retrieving the stove for a friend. Investigators determined the stove had been taken from a home that was under construction. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fresno, California, where security cameras caught our bozo inspecting the chainsaws in a local hardware store. It was what the cameras caught next that no one was expecting. He picked up a chainsaw and shoved it down his pants. He then pulled his jacket over to help cover it up and walked very carefully out of the store. Witnesses say he climbed into a pickup truck and made his getaway. So far, one man has showed up at the police station just to deny that he was the bozo in question on the video. The investigation is continuing.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Oaxtepec, Mexico came up with an elaborate plan for robbing a bank. Step 1: Steal a front end loader and drive it to the local bank. Step 2: Using a jackhammer, along with the loader, break down the wall of the bank. Step 3: Chain the safe to the front end loader and drive away. So far, so good. It was the getaway that didn’t work so well. Obviously, this was a noisy operation which prompted calls to police. And, a front end loader isn’t the fastest getaway vehicle. They were pulled over and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, violated Bozo Rule Number 0003343: When you’re a wanted man, it’s best not to be in public places naked. A Stockholm police officer was taking a break from his regular duties by visiting a relaxing sauna. He was just getting accustomed to the heat and steam when he noticed the guy next to him looked awfully familiar. It took him a minute to focus, but when he did, he recognized our bozo as a drugs offender who had gone on the run after being sentenced to prison. Even though the officer left his weapon outside, he was able to place our bozo under arrest without incident.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where the cops tried to pull bozo Imani Foster over on charges of illegal window tint and a fake vehicle registration. Instead of stopping, our bozo sped up and led the officers on a chase down I-77, crashing into several police cruisers. At one point, the cops surrounded the car, demanding that she exit the vehicle. Instead, she floored it, running into other cars in the process and barely missing an officer. She was finally apprehended when she hit a curb and then crashed into a light pole. Shaken up, but not harmed, she then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She was speeding and refused to stop because she was “on my way to work.” She’s going to be late today. She’s been charged with felonious assault and failure to comply.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dundee, Florida, where bozo Brian Alexander was scheduled to show up for his regular shift at Hardees. Bottom line is, he just really didn’t want to go to work, so he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 to report a fake robbery, saying two gun-carrying men took his necklace, money and his phone before jumping into a car and driving away. Unfortunately, he had no evidence to prove it and the cops quickly determined he was lying. He’s been charged with abuse of the 911 system and giving false information to law enforcement. But at least he didn’t have to go to work!

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 658303: After stealing something, it’s best to keep a low profile. Our bozos somehow stole a hot air balloon in Bloomington, Indiana. And we’re talking one of those flame powered, multi colored, BIG balloons. So, once you’ve stolen a hot air balloon, what do you do with it? You fly it, of course. And that’s what our bozos did, at a festival in Florida. Cops in Florida had been alerted that the balloon in question might be in their jurisdiction and were in attendance at the festival. After a quick investigation proved it was the stolen balloon, it was confiscated and returned to the original owner. No word on what charges, if any, will be filed, or why our bozos stole the balloon.

We are always amazed at the lengths bozos will go to to sneak contraband into prison but our story for today from Guys Marsh prison in Dorset, England tops them all. Guards noticed something strange when making their morning rounds in the prison yard. The bodies of three dead rats near the prison wall. Further inspection found that these rats looked very bloated. And on their stomachs were long stitches. Hmmmm. One of the officers did a quick surgery on the rat and found it had been disemboweled and and stuffed with contraband. They found the three rats to be filled with five mobile phones and chargers, three SIM cards, cigarette papers and a large amount of drugs including cannabis and a synthetic substitute as well as tobacco. At this point no one has ratted on who might be responsible for the contraband filled rodents.

Bozo criminals for today come from Birmingham, Alabama, where two bozos burst into the local Family Dollar store wielding swords, demanding money and threatening everyone in the store. It was then that the store manager sprang into action. In a scene right out of the Indiana Jones movies, he came out of his office and confronted our sword swinging bozos with a gun. Fortunately for our bozos, unlike Indiana, he didn’t shoot them on the spot. Thinking better of their plan, the turned tail and ran out the door. Police are hoping video footage leads to their arrest.

Today’s bozo from the International File in London, England, violated so many bozo rules we’ve lost count. First, that rule about making your disguise something that doesn’t draw attention to yourself. Fail. Bozo Jacob Rogers donned a full body pink and white unicorn costume before walking into a convenience store, smashing one of the registers with a crowbar and demanding cash from the clerk. He got some cash and fled to a waiting getaway car and that’s where the next bozo rule comes into play. The one about having a skilled getaway driver. Fail. Police spotted a car matching the getaway vehicle’s description and gave chase. That’s when our bozo driver lost control, crashed into a mailbox, careened off a light pole, through some shrubbery before finally encountering a boulder. The big rock caused the car to bounce, pinball-like, across the road, coming to a stop after crashing into a tree. After being hospitalized to treat their injuries, our bozos were charged with armed robbery, robbery, first and second degree assault, theft, and destruction of property

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending this one in from the International File in Derbyshire, UK. Bozo number one was involved in a minor fender bender with bozo number two. After getting into a disagreement over who was at fault, bozo number one, suspecting that bozo number two was drunk, called the cops to sort out the situation. Good idea, right? Well, not necessarily. When the police arrived, they administered a breathalyzer test to both bozos and guess what they found? Both were drunk. Right, bozo number one had apparently forgotten he was drunk when he called the cops to complain about bozo number two being drunk. They’re both busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 223844: It’s not a good idea to buy a million dollar house when you’re collecting welfare. From Scotts Valley, California, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who was under investigation for receiving fraudulent welfare payments going back more than ten years. In the course of the investigation, they discovered our welfare recipient had purchased a house valued at $1.1 million. Then, they found evidence he was selling cannabis products online. Uh-oh. A search warrant was issued and inside the home were found 115 marijuana plants, 90 pounds of processed pot for resale, $115,000 in cash, 10 pounds of cannabis resin and 1100 vape pen cartridges containing cannabis resin. Stop those welfare payments stat! He’s busted!

Over the years on the Bozo Criminal Report we’ve reported many dumb crimes but today’s defies explanation. From the International File in Devon, England, comes this unusual police report. The theft of a dog poop bin from a busy pedestrian area. Cops say our bozo unscrewed the container, which was clearly labeled “Dog Waste Only.” from its mounting bracket and carried it away. And the bin was in use at the time, so it was most likely full of, uh, poop. At this time, cops have no lead, but are hoping to follow their noses to an arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bellevue, Washington, where our bozo went to a lot of trouble to make fake plates for his car. They were professionally printed with the word “Private” serving as the license plate number and “Peace on Earth” and “No Drivers License or Insurance Required” printed on them. Not surprisingly this attracted the attention of the local police. When our bozo was pulled over he claimed to be a member of the “Sovereign Citizen” movement who believe basic things like laws don’t apply to them. He added to his problems by refusing to exit the vehicle, and refusing to provide registration or insurance information or any kind of identification. And a quick check revealed the car’s title had never been transferred. Mr. Citizen will have to take it up with the judge. He’s been charged with obstructing an officer and criminal traffic offenses, and his car was taken off to the impound.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Gardinia Mays walked up to the desk at the Ace Rent a Car and requested a vehicle. When she was told that there were no cars available, she did what any bozo would do. She walked into the parking lot and, finding one with the keys in it, climbed in and drove off, stopping at the Travelodge less than a mile away. It was when the cops arrested her when she offered up the Bozo Excuses of the Week. First, “Y’all talking about how y’all didn’t have any cars to rent so I stole y’all’s (expletive).” And then, the ultimate excuse, “Demons told me to do it, I didn’t take it, the demons took it.” Sorry, those excuses don’t work. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Castelnuovo Magra, Italy, had big plans. They would steal a 17th Century painting from the Santa Maria Maddalena Church, valued at $3.4 million and, after fencing it, be set for life. Unfortunately, at least one of the thieves had a big mouth and had been talking about the heist around town. Word spread quickly and it got back to the police, who developed a plan of their own. They swapped out the original with a fake. And when the day came for the big theft, our bozos didn’t notice the difference and took the bogus one. And the cops also installed some cameras, which they hope will lead them to the arrest of our bozos.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Houlton, Maine. It seems that Bozo brothers Damien and Bailey Wilson, ages 22 and 21 respectively, were interested in survivalism and, according to their father, liked to do “different” things. They came up with a real doozy this time. Our bozos, who reside in Canada, thought that it would be fun to see if they could drive from Canada to Mexico without making any stops for fuel. So the first thing to do is buy a modern fuel efficient car, right? Wrong. Instead they bought a blue 1967 Buick Skylark with no certificate of registration, legal documents or license plates. Bad idea number one. The second part of the plan, to make no stops for fuel, required loading 21 jugs of gasoline in the back seat and trunk. Bad idea number two. The third part of the plan was to avoid detection by using only back roads. So they purchased a bunch of old fashioned paper maps. Bad idea number three. They didn’t even get out of Canada before they found themselves approaching one of the busiest US/Canada crossings. Our bozos then just froze, stopping their car car in the middle of the road. As you can imagine, a 1967 Buick loaded with jugs of gasoline caused quite a stir at the border crossing. Drones, helicopters, police dogs and a SWAT team were called in. Our bozos were taken into custody and, after their father corroborated their strange story, were sentenced to three months in prison for obstructing law enforcement.

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Deer Township, Pennsylvania, where bozo Clayton Mitchell was a passenger in a car pool vehicle. It was a normal day until the driver started singing. Christmas songs. In March. When this continued for a while, our bozo finally had all he could take and reached over the seat and attempted to choke out our would-be Bing Crosby. Another passenger called the cops and, after an altercation, our bozo was placed under arrest and charged with aggravated assault, among other offenses. Our bozo singer was advised to keep his holiday spirit to himself.