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T Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. This bozo violated the first rule of a successful thief. Once you steal something-hang on to it. Our bozo broke into the Yanmoki museum in Ito, Japan last week and stole a 600 year old Chinese platter dating from the Ming Dynasty. As he was making his getaway, a security guard spotted him and ordered him to freeze. The startled bozo then dropped his loot, shattering the platter into a thousand pieces. The value of the platter before the bozo let go of it-$385,000. Maybe as his sentence the bozo could be sent to jail with the platter and a very large tube of Elmer’s glue.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Anniston, Alabama. Bozo Carlos Perez pulled up in front of the court house in a stolen car with no license plates. As if he didn’t already look suspicious enough, he called over the first person he saw and asked where he might get a photo ID card since he didn’t have a drivers license. Remember, he was behind the wheel of a stolen car with no license platesat the time. He also made a poor choice of someone to ask. He called over Sheriff Larry Amerson, who was in full uniform at the time. He arrested the bozo on the spot.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Porsgrunn, Norway comes the story of a bozo car thief who stole a car from the front yard of its owner. The owner happened to see what was going on and as the bozo sped away, he jumped in his other car and gave chase. The bozo led the owner on a chase that lasted fifteen minutes. During that time, the owner was right on the bozo’s tail, so close that the bozo could see his enraged face in the rearview mirror. Finally the bozo decided to do the right thing. He picked up the cell phone in the car and called the police to come and arrest him, figuring he would be better off in the custody of the police than in the grips of the car’s owner.

T Bozo criminal for today comes from Topeka, Kansas where bozo Raymond Fletcher held up a convenience store. When the bozo discovered there was not much money in the register, he decided to wait on customers for a while to build up a little more loot. Yep, he put on a green vest and went to work. His plan failed when one of the clerk’s friends came in and got suspicious when he saw the rather surly looking individual behind the cash register. He called the cops who arrived while the bozo was still hard at work.

The Bozo criminal for today just didn’t know when to leave well enough alone. From England comes the story of Freddie Smyth who was arrested and charged with shoplifting. Then when he was brought in to be booked, police couldn’t believe their eyes when the bozo attempted to steal the magnetic letters off the board being held up to his face for his mug shot.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who passed along today’s report via the internet. From Cambridge, Massachusetts comes the story of Bozo Dwaine Jones who was in jail on drug charges. Our bozo hatched an escape plot with a couple of his buddies on the outside. According to the plan, our bozo would lower a rope made of sheets and blankets out the 18th floor jail window. The friends on the ground would tie a gun to the rope and the bozo would hoist it back up to be used in his escape. Two problems: 1. A ledge a few stories down blocked the rope and prevented it from ever reaching the accomplices on the ground. 2. The plan was hatched within earshot of guards who were prepared and had the area under heavy surveillance. The two accomplices were arrested and the bozo was moved to a more secure cell.

Thanks to all the bozo news hawks who pointed out this story in Ann Landers’ column. Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlantic City, New Jersey where bozo Ron Middleton stuck a piece of paper in the lock at an office building to jam it so he could sneak back in later. Our bozo might have gotten away with his robbery scheme if it had not been for his choice of paper to stuff in the lock. He used a parking ticket with his name and address on it.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Branford, Connecticut where bozo George Foster walked into a Wal-Mart and pointed an object concealed in a paper sack at a worker and demanded money. The employee refused. The bozo then whipped his weapon out of the sack and demanded money again. Once more, the employee refused and this time called over store security who detained the bozo. Perhaps the reason the bozo had difficulty getting anyone to take him seriously was his choice of weapon. He was threatening everyone with a dustbuster.

From Benton, Illinois, comes a bozo report of police being called to a burglary scene. The citizen reported that someone had broken into the barn where his large motor home was stored and had attempted to siphon gas out of it. When the officers investigated, they noticed a large five gallon gas can sitting right by the motor home. Next to the can was a piece of siphoning hose. It also appeared that our bozo had become ill while trying to siphon the gas out of the motor home, as their was vomit at the scene. Upon further investigation, it was obvious why the bozo became ill. Being unfamiliar with this type of vehicle, the bozo had removed the gas cap, or so he thought, stuck in the hose, and began to suck on the other end of the hose to get the gas flowing. Only problem, what began flowing wasn’t gas. The bozo had not stuck the hose in the gas tank. He had stuck it in the motor home’s portable sewage container.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California. Bozo Bobby Wells went into the downtown branch of the Bank of America with the intention of robbing it. He grabbed a deposit slip and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." Then while waiting in line, he got scared and thought someone might have seen him write the note. So, he leaves and goes down the street to the Wells Fargo bank. After waiting in line there, he handed the teller the note. Seeing the spelling mistakes on the note, the teller realized she had a bozo on her hands. She told him she could not accept the note because it was on a Bank of America slip and he would either have to write a note on Wells Fargo paper or go back to the Bank of America. The bozo reluctantly said OK and left the bank. He was arrested minutes later, back in line at the Bank of America.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacob Lake, Arizona where bozo drug dealer Germain Berrella was in a bind after his car broke down on the highway. Luckily for him a truck driver stopped and offered to take him into town. The bozo accepted the offer and insisted on taking some personal items with him inside the truck. Some of the items were understandable, clothes, a shaving kit and….his spare tire. Yes, he insisted that he sit in the truck with the spare tire on his lap. The truck driver thought this a little strange and after dropping the bozo off at a local motel, he called the cops. The police stopped by and found 11 pounds of marijuana inside the spare tire.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacob Lake, Arizona where bozo drug dealer Germain Berrella was in a bind after his car broke down on the highway. Luckily for him a truck driver stopped and offered to take him into town. The bozo accepted the offer and insisted on taking some personal items with him inside the truck. Some of the items were understandable, clothes, a shaving kit and….his spare tire. Yes, he insisted that he sit in the truck with the spare tire on his lap. The truck driver thought this a little strange and after dropping the bozo off at a local motel, he called the cops. The police stopped by and found 11 pounds of marijuana inside the spare tire.

The Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Charlotte, North Carolina. This bozo had obviously not yet perfected his craft. Bozo Richard Reeves planned on robbing a bank in Charlotte. To conceal his identity, the bozo put a paper bag over his head, but he put it on several blocks away from the bank. Alert drivers in nearby cars called the police from their car phones to alert them of a suspicious man driving a car with a bag over his head and pulling into a bank parking lot. Once inside, our bozo criminal could not be understood because he forgot to cut a mouth hole in the bag. After repeating himself several times, he finally got a handful of money and ran out of the bank and right into the waiting arms of a dozen police officers.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee where bozo Ray Talley was sentenced to six months in jail for committing one of the stupidest crimes in bozo history. Ray was arrested for placing a 20 foot ladder across some railroad tracks, intending for the train to hit it. Railroad officers saw him place the ladder on the track and were able to remove it before a tragedy occurred. What really makes Talley a bozo is his reason for placing the ladder on the tracks. He said he had stolen the 20 foot ladder, but it was too long for him to use, so he placed it on the track hoping the train would cut it into two ten foot sections.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks who pointed out this bozo story to us in the local papers. From Longview, Texas comes the story of three bozos who were arrested on charges of using stolen credit cards. The three took the stolen cards on a shopping spree at the mall and were caught when a department store cashier noticed that one of the bozos had misspelled the name on the card when signing the receipt.

The Bozo criminals for today come from Baltimore, Maryland, where bozos Robert Quarry and Mike Steiner broke into an auto supply store and stole several car batteries, loading them into the back of their pickup truck. The bozos were unable to make a clean getaway with their haul of batteries, however. The reason? Their own car would not start–the battery was dead.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks who pointed out this bozo story to us in the local papers. From Longview, Texas comes the story of three bozos who were arrested on charges of using stolen credit cards. The three took the stolen cards on a shopping spree at the mall and were caught when a department store cashier noticed that one of the bozos had misspelled the name on the card when signing the receipt.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Oxnard, California where bozo Keith Wallace had taught his three year old son that even though dad smoked pot, it was bad and he shouldn’t ever touch it. Last week our bozo was pulled over by the cops for speeding. While the police officer was checking the bozo’s license, the bozo’s son reached under the seat and pulled out a bag of marijuana, holding it up to the police officer and saying, "Bad. Bad. Bad." The cop checked the bag and arrested the bozo.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon where bozo Duane Babcock robbed a bank and made a clean getaway by hailing a cab outside the branch of the Bank of America he had just held up. The driver, who knew nothing about the robbery, took the bozo to his residence. Later, when the FBI questioned the cabbie, he told them he not only recoginzed the robber, he knew right where he lived. To compound his problems, the bozo still had the holdup note in his pocket when the police arrived.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Lee’s Summit, Missouri, where Bozo Gary Aicard wins our excuse of the week. Our bozo was arrested after he was spotted running naked thru the building where he was employed as a security guard. There had been several reports of a streaker in the building in previous days. When confronted by police, the bozo said he had stripped naked in an effort to befriend the real streaker so he could catch him.