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The Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax, Virginia where bozo Garrett Burris offered to help out a friend who was ticketed for speeding. Our bozo said he would represent him in court if he would contest the ticket. The bozo grabbed a handful of books on fighting speeding tickets, read up on them and showed up in court ready to play lawyer. He proceeded to question the issuing highway patrolman for half and hour before the prosecutor jumped in and asked the bozo if he was a lawyer. Nope, the bozo replied. At this point, the judge brought a halt to the proceedings, fining the traffic violator fifty bucks and charging the bozo with practicing law without a license, which carries a $2500 fine and up to a year in jail.

Today’s bozo criminal is one of the strangest ever uncovered by the Bozo News Staff. From Edmond, Oklahoma comes a report that police there have issued an arrest warrant for bozo Edward Jefferson for attempting to sell an atomic bomb. Not a real bomb, but a homemade one he had put together with some wire, a few spare computer parts and lots of duct tape. The bozo would travel around to flea markets and swap meets attempting to sell the bomb for one million dollars, cash. He is wanted for terroristic activities.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for providing us with today’s bozo. From Queensland, Australia comes the story of bozo Colin Moore who broke into a residence and stole a car from the garage. When the owner returned home and discovered that the car had been stolen, he thought the thief would be caught rather easily. You see, the car had a leaky transmission. A very leaky transmission. So leaky in fact that the police were able to follow a trail of transmission fluid to the nearest service station, where the clerk told them that someone had purchased some tranmission fluid only a few minutes before. The bozo paid for his purchase with his credit card and the whole transaction had been captured on the station’s security camera. Needless to say the bozo was soon apprehended.

The Bozo criminal for today violated bozo rule number 408 — never use a piece of raingear as a weapon. From the International File comes the story of Juan Mendoza of Madrid, Spain. Witnesses say it was raining last Sunday when our bozo burst into a restaurant brandishing what appeared to be a rifle and screaming, "Hands up, this is a holdup." A few moments later a waiter noticed the object the bozo was holding was not a rifle but an umbrella. He and his fellow waiters subdued the bozo and turned him and his umbrella over to the police.

The Bozo criminal for this morning learned one thing–never stiff a cabbie. From Cape Giradeau, Missouri comes the story of Jimmy Duane Eason who was arrested on two counts of robbery. The first count comes from the bozos alleged robbery of a home. The second count comes from the fact that the bozo called a cab to take him to the house and had the cab wait while he ransacked the house and then used the cab as his getaway car. When the cabbie dropped the bozo and his loot off at his house, the bozo bolted from the cab, leaving the cabbie unpaid. The cabbie called the cops and added his charge of theft of cab fare to the one the cops filed for robbery.

The Bozo criminal for today is our first ever example of a successful thief who still managed to lose money on his crime. From Dothan, Alabama comes the story of Joseph Olson who walked into a convenience store and handed the clerk a $20, asking for change. When the clerk opened the till, our bozo reached in, grabbed a handful of cash and ran out the door. One big problem–he made off with only about 15 bucks and he left his $20 bill laying on the counter.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Midway, West Virginia where bozo Peggy Sue Rhodes was on home confinement on charges of drug possession. She called her parole officer to ask for permission to go to the doctor, citing a bad case of the flu. One problem, she didn’t get the phone placed back on the hook and the parole officer was still listening on the other end as she and her boyfriend began talking about making a drug buy while she was out. Police got a warrant and went to her house the next day and busted the couple for possession of crack.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Anchorage, Alaska where bozo Fred Skinner broke into a bookstore at 2 AM and stole the cash register, running down the street with it. Police are called and when they arrive they immediately know where to look for the bozo. As he ran from the store, the register tape unspooled behind him, literally giving the police a paper trail to follow. Cops caught up with the bozo about three blocks away, still lugging the cash register.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for sending along our first ever Bozo Criminal, radio division. From Greenville, South Carolina comes the story of a morning disc jockey who was convicted of reckless driving and fined $200 after pulling a bozo morning show promotion. It seems our bozo caused a tremendous traffic jam when he drove the station van blindfolded on an interstate highway during rush hour. And why did the bozo do this? He said he was doing it as a tribute to Ray Charles.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston where Bozo Kerri Grier robbed a branch of the Texas Commerce Bank. She made a clean getaway but was later stopped for speeding. As the officer was looking at her license and registration, he noticed a bank envelope with a large amount of cash in it lying in the front seat. When he asked the bozo about it, she replied, "It’s mine. I just robbed a bank." Needless to say, she was arrested.

The Bozo criminal for today proves that you can be too polite. From Gary, Indiana comes the story of bozo Michael Thomas who parked his car, got out and walked up to a man waiting at a bus stop. The bozo pointed a small gun at the man and asked, "Can I have all your money, please?" When the man replied, "No.", the bozo calmly walked back to his car, got in and drove off. His intended victim wrote down his license plate number and called the cops who came by and politely arrested the bozo for attempted robbery.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Northbridge, Massachusetts where bozo Alberto Vasquez was arrested for robbing a Dunkin Donuts where he used to work. He got away with about $1400 in cash, mostly in small bills and change. It wasn’t too hard for the cops to catch our bozo. First of all, several of his co-workers at the donut shop recognized him when during the robbery his accomplice called him by name. And secondly, he must have had a hole in his bag, because the cops just followed the trail of coins and muddy footprints to his apartment, which happened to be only two doors down from the store.

A first today in the bozo criminal world. We have our first ever bozo story from the divorce court. From Evansville, Illinois comes the story of bozos Karon and Greg West who were not having an amicable divorce. They were in court arguing over, of all things, who owned the cellular phone. As luck would have it, at that moment the cell phone rang and when Greg reached for it, an enraged Karon grabbed the phone from his hand and fled the courtroom. Greg took off in hot pursuit and caught up with Karon just outside. A hair pulling, eye gouging fight ensued with Karon biting Greg on the arm. Police were able to subdue the loving couple and return them to the courtroom, where the judge threatened both of them with contempt and eventually awarded custody of the phone to Karon. Now, they’ll probably get into a fight over who gets this bozo award.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Green Bay, Wisconsin, where two bozos escaped from the Brown County Jail. The used their prison issue orange jumpsuits and their bedsheets to fashion a rope which they used to climb to freedom. So, why were they caught? Keep in mind they used their prison jumpsuits as part of the escape rope. Police were notified of their whereabouts when several Green Bay residents reported two bozos walking down the street in sub freezing weather wearing nothing but their boxers.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Holyoke, Massachusetts where bozo Antonio Ramirez was arrested on an old charge of driving without a license and was granted one phone call. Now, who would a bozo call? His lawyer? Nope. A bozo would call his best friend and, within earshot of the whole police department, tell him where to find a stash of crack cocaine he had hidden in an alley. Police were in the alley to greet the man’s friend and recover the stash.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Holyoke, Massachusetts where bozo Antonio Ramirez was arrested on an old charge of driving without a license and was granted one phone call. Now, who would a bozo call? His lawyer? Nope. A bozo would call his best friend and, within earshot of the whole police department, tell him where to find a stash of crack cocaine he had hidden in an alley. Police were in the alley to greet the man’s friend and recover the stash.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas, where bozo Hosie Grant was seated on a bench in the courtroom with several other defendants. Our bozo fell into a sound sleep and was still dozing when his case was called. The public defender was preparing to enter a not guilty plea on his behalf when our bozo was awakened by one of his benchmates. Still being somewhat groggy, the bozo impulsively jumped up and shouted, "Your honor, I plead guilty."

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for sending this one along. From Mount Pleasant, Michigan comes the story of bozo Charles Harrigan who was unhappy with the response of local police to his complaints of being harassed by a gang. So, what would a bozo do? He calls one of his friends and has him shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun. He then calls the police to claim he was injured in a drive by shooting. Police get suspicious and the friend ‘fesses up. Bozo is arrested for filing a false police report.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington where bozo Rosie Ramirez went to a local bank to try to cash a stolen check. She quickly became impatient while waiting for the teller to get her money and she stormed out of the bank, complaining about poor service. Unfortunately for her when she walked out, she left behind the stolen check along with her ID which she had given to the teller.

The Bozo criminals for today were done in by the weather. Bozos Lonnie Rogers and Wayne Brunson escaped from the Limestone County Jail in Athens, Alabama and made it all the way to Hobart, Indiana before their truck crashed, forcing them to continue on foot. The two bozos were dressed in shorts and t-shirts for the Alabama weather and weren’t prepared for the much colder temperatures up north. As a matter of fact after only one night outside in the 20 degree cold, they called the cops and asked to be taken back to their nice warm Alabama jail cell.