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The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6012: A bozo should never try to fake a drug test. From Painesville, Ohio comes the story of Bozo John Isaac who was in trouble for a parole violation. His probation officers asked him to submit to a standard drug test. When the results of John’s test came back, they were negative for drugs, but he did test positive for being pregnant. It seems our bozo had used a sample from his wife. The bozo was tested again and this time, not surprisingly the test came back positive for cocaine. He’s back in jail.

The Bozo criminals for today come from Genessee County, New York. It seems that thieves have been stealing equipment from area golf courses all summer long. And all summer long, the thieves have been taunting investigators by leaving notes saying the cops will never catch them. Wrong. Four teenage bozos were apprehended this week after one of them left a note for the cops on the putting green. It was how he left the note that got them in trouble. The bozo pinned the note to the green using one of his father’s monogrammed golf tees.

Sometimes you just have to wonder what these bozos were thinking…Then you remember-they don’t think. And there you have what makes them Bozos. From San Antonio, Texas comes the story of Bozo Martin Rogers who was a wanted man in Bexar county. Authorities were looking for him on several drug related charges. So where would you spend your morning walking around if you were a bozo wanted in Bexar county? Inside Bexar county courthouse, of course. No one knows why our bozo was hanging out at the courthouse, but he was. Until a couple of the deputies recognized him and slapped the cuffs on him.

Our thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tim Joiner who sent us today’s Bozo via the internet. From Chattanooga, Tennessee comes the story of Bozo Jason Emmons who walked into a liquor store with a shotgun and demanded all the money from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a sack, the bozo saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted on a shelf behind the counter. He told the cashier to put the scotch in the sack as well. But the clerk refused, saying, "I don’t believe you’re over 21. I’ll have to see some ID before I give you the scotch." Like any good Bozo, our crook reached into his pocket and pulled out his drivers license, which he handed to the cashier, who looked it over and handed it and the sack to the bozo. As soon as the bozo was out the door, the cashier called the cops, giving them the name and address that he got off the license. Police were waiting for the bozo when he got home.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Sao Paulo, Brazil comes the story of Bozo Geraldo Gallo who was arrested for cocaine smuggling. It was our bozo’s method of smuggling that got him into trouble. He was detained at the airport as he tried to leave the country with a suitcase full of 50 pounds of cheap Bolivian Cheese. Customs officials became suspicious when he told them he was going to sell the cheese when he reached his destination. The story didn’t make sense for two reasons: One, the cheese was not refrigerated and would probably go bad before he reached his destination and, two, his destination–Switzerland. Customs officers correctly figured he would have a tough time selling lousy Bolivian cheese in a country known for its great cheeses. They cut open a chunk of the cheese and found the cocaine, resulting in the bozo’s arrest.

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3322: If you’re going to pull off a successful crime, it would help if your potential victims could understand you. From Passaic, New Jersey comes the story of Bozo Juan Colona who burst into a Polish Tavern and announced a hold up. One problem: Colona spoke only Spanish and the patrons of the bar spoke only English or Polish, so no one paid any attention to him. The bozo then fired a warning shot from his gun to try to attract their attention. He attracted some attention all right, from a police officer walking his beat outside. Upon hearing the shot, the officer stepped inside and arrested the bozo who was still trying to tell the bartender he wanted their money.

The Bozo criminals for today aren’t really criminals…they just got a little carried away. From Woburn, Massachusetts comes the story of Bozo Joshua Nelson and his buddies. They’d just purchased a new video camera and they decided they’d make their own home grown action flick. So they put on fatigues, got plastic guns and had a fake terrorist raid on their house. Problem was, they failed to let their neighbors in on their little game and they called the cops. After being questioned, the would-be Spielbergs were let go.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk J. Spearing who passed along this Bozo Report. From Norton, Massachusetts comes the story of Bozo Tonya Mitchell who was foiled by modern technology. It seems our bozo called her cocaine dealer to set up a time and location to pick up some crack. Making sure she had the address right, the bozo repeated the dealer’s name and location twice over her cordless phone. One problem: The cordless phone was also coming in loud and clear over the baby monitor in a neighboring apartment. The neighbors called the cops who showed up at the designated location just in time to arrest both the bozo and the dealer.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from New Orleans, Louisiana where Bozo Lonnie Mayne placed a call to his drug dealer to order some more marijuana. On problem — he misdialed the call and was connected to a 63 year old grandmother instead. She played along, telling the bozo she was the dealer’s mother and would pass the message along to him. She managed to get the bozo’s address and phone number, which she then passed along to the cops who stopped by and busted the bozo.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Belleville, Ontario, Canada comes the story of Bozo Mary Frazier who was having a little party. It seems she ran out of ice at her little shindig so Mary walked out into the front yard to flag down a passing car to ask the driver to make a quick trip to the neighborhood store to bring some more ice. One problem: The car she flagged down was a police cruiser. She was arrested and charged with public intoxication.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Calgary, Alberta, Canada comes the story of Bozo Sean Rhodes who stole a car from a gas station, leading police on a chase down a farm road before ditching the car and fleeing. Bozo ran into a lush corn field, with many of the corn plants over six feet high. A perfect hiding place, thought the bozo. Perfect except for one thing: The bozo’s allergies. Police found our crook when his allergies kicked in and he had an uncontrollable sneezing fit.

We’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times here on the Bozo Criminal Report: If you’re on the run from the law, it’s a good idea to keep a low profile. Bozo criminal Daniel Thorpe of St. Johns, New Brunswick, Canada was a wanted man after violating his parole. He was captured after attending a Toronto Blue Jays game. It seems his face showed up on the big Jumbotron screen when cameras were scanning the crowd. Also attending the game was his parole officer who called the cops. They arrived in time to nab the bozo before the seventh inning stretch.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from San Ysidro, California where Bozo Jesus Zamora held up the Wells Fargo Bank, making off with about $1600. As he ran for the U.S.-Mexico border, about 400 yards away, two other crooks jumped out of a car and stopped him. Thinking the men were police officers, the bozo instantly handed over his bag of loot. As they went to get back into their car, our bozo noticed it was an ’84 Oldsomobile, not a police car. He jumped in and began wrestling with them to try to get his money back. All three were still scuffling over the loot when police arrived and arrested the whole bunch of them.

The Bozo criminal for this morning violated Bozo Rule Number 0657: If you’re going to try to rob a place, at least bring along a weapon. From San Diego, California comes the story of Bozo Billy Barnett who walked into the Capital Savings Bank and demanded money from the teller. When she hesitated, our bozo reached into his pocket and pulled out… a picture of a gun. He pointed at the picture and demanded cash. Before the teller could stop laughing a security guard came over and apprehended the bozo. One more bit of bad news for our bozo, the police won’t just show him a picture of the jail.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Waukegan, Illinois where Bozo Douglas Palmer was a high school teacher. He came up with the brainy idea of awarding good grades to students if they would let him shoplift in stores where they worked after school. He was caught after one of his students told his parents about his unusual method of getting good grades.

Our Bozo Criminal for today is definitely a bozo, but he’s not completely stupid. From Reno, Nevada comes the story of Bozo Billy Haynes who was stopped as he tried to walk out of a drug store with a big armload of shoplifted merchandise. The guard who nabbed him tallied up all the items that our Haynes had stolen and came up with $254, which was unfortunate for our Bozo since anything over $250 is a felony in Nevada. "Hold on just a minute," said our bargain hunting bozo, "That bottle of cologne I stole was on sale." Sure enough, it was marked down. That dropped the total cost of the goods to $248 and dropped our bozo’s charge to a misdemeanor.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami Beach, Florida. Our bozo’s first mistake was in trying to rob a bank right next door to the local precinct. Things started out OK, though. He walked up to the teller and demanded money. Frightened, she ran away, allowing the bozo to reach in and grab a handful of money. Then things started going downhill. Bank staffers had alerted police of the robbery so when the bozo ran out of the bank, there were officers coming out of the station house across the street in hot pursuit. The bozo frantically tried to hail a cab, but the cabbie kept on going after seeing bystanders waving him on. The bozo then took off down the street, chased by a parade of cops, including one who was having a snack at a nearby outdoor cafe and decided to join in the fun. The small army of cops soon caught up with our hapless bozo.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Paris, France comes the story of a bozo whose day just went from bad to worse. Bozo Jacques Renaud was stopped by police for making a wrong turn on his bicycle down a one way street. A subsequent search of the bozo turned up an illegal handgun. When asked why he was carrying a gun, the bozo replied that he had just visited a rough neighborhood to buy some drugs and felt he needed extra protection.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Cruces, New Mexico where Bozo Angel Flores walked into a grocery store, forced the clerk into a bathroom at gunpoint, took $200 from the till and ran outside to his getaway car. He didn’t get very far, though. Cops found the car four blocks away, out of gas. They found the bozo a little bit fruther down the road, walking to the nearest service station.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Bridgeport, Connecticut where Bozo Jose Rodriguez was arrested on drug charges. Shortly after his arrest he began complaining of chest pains and was taken to the hospital. Somehow, he managed to slip out of his handcuffs and escape custody. Then, about two hours later, the bozo’s father showed up at police headquarters, requesting his son’s personal belongings. Police refused, then followed Bozo Father out to the car where Bozo Son was waiting. Police arrested them both.