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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Tompkins who sent us today’s report via the internet. From Sioux City, Iowa comes the story of Bozo Larry Mulhern who walked into a funeral home and demanded to view a body that was scheduled for viewing later in the day. Even though this was an unusual request, the attendants decided to allow the bozo to pay his respects. Funeral home employees noticed that the bozo seemed to be arranging a scarf or something similar around the deceased’s neck. After the bozo left, the attendants noticed that all the jewelry had been removed from the body. The bozo was soon arrested and charged with theft, as he had signed his real name in the guest book.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lexington, Kentucky where bozo Jarrell Koonce placed a call to a local dealer and purchased some marijuana. Upon trying the pot, our bozo decided it was not up to his quality standards. So, he did what any upstanding bozo would do–he called the cops, asking them to help him get his money back. The police, not believing their luck, decided to play along, telling the bozo they would be glad to help him if he would only direct them to the dope dealer. He did, and the cops arrested them both.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida where bozo Carla Hanson broke up with her boyfriend Vernon Jones. It was a nasty breakup, too, with Vernon contacting the police and accusing Carla of vandalizing his car and breaking into his apartment. Police couldn’t find any hard evidence to link Carla to the crime and she wasn’t charged. Then last week Carla appeared on a Ricki Lake show entitled "I Demand to Know Why You Dumped Me". On the show Carla gleefully described how she got even with her ex-boyfriend by breaking into his apartment, destroying his waterbed, smashing the mirrors and headlights on his car and pouring sugar in the gas tank. The audience loved it. So did the cops, who, using the tape as evidence, arrested our bozo and charged her with felony criminal mischief.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire where bozo Charles Finney walked up to the doors of the Fleet Bank at 8:50 AM wearing a ski mask and carrying what looked to be a gun. Our bozo was ready to rob, but he was about ten minutes too early, as the bank hadn’t yet opened. Astonished bank employees watched from inside as our hapless bozo yanked on the locked doors to no avail. Finally, he took off his mask, hopped back into his car and drove away. Alert bank workers took down the bozo’s license number and he was arrested by the cops a few minutes later. By the way, that object he was carrying that looked like a gun turned out to be an ice scraper.

Bozo criminals for today come from Andover Township, New Jersey where bozos Paul and Janet Stein were ticketed for DUI and hospitalized with minor injuries. However, they belong in the bozo hall of fame for pulling this boner… Our bozo husband and wife team had been driving around having a few beers when one of them came up with the bright idea of tossing one of those big M-80 firecrackers out of the window of their car just to see what would happen. So, they light the fuse and toss it out the back seat window. One problem. The window in the back seat was still rolled up.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Smith, Arkansas where bozo James Newton held up the Gas Well convenience store. Police had no trouble tracking down our bozo. You see, he came straight over to the store from work. And he wore his work clothes, including his hard hat…with the name of the company he works for on the side and his own name printed clearly on the front.

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6709: When you embark on a life of crime, it’s not a good idea to be polite. Form Birmingham, Alabama comes the story of two unidentified teenage bozos who entered a shoe store and asked a store employee for a pen and paper. The bozos then wrote the employee a note which said, "I’m sorry to do this. You’re so nice. I have a gun in my pants. Give me all your money." The employee read the note and told the two bozos that they’d have to wait until she was finished waiting on a customer. The polite bozos said they’d be happy to wait and proceeded to sit down. The employee then went in the back and tripped the silent alarm. The bozos were still waiting when the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Loudoun County, Virginia where bozo Michael Swain was arrested and charged with burglary. Our bozo was caught when he gave his real name while using the phone at his victim’s home to make a $250 call to a psychic hotline.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Kathy McBride of Tyler, Texas who was first to point this bozo out to us. From Aberdeen, South Dakota comes the story of bozo Jerold Carlson who was a regular customer of the casino there. Apparently our bozo had not been doing too well at the tables recentlly and last week he donned a Halloween mask, walked up to a casino clerk, flashed a gun and announced that this was a robbery and that he wanted cash. The casino clerk recognized our bozo by the cheap cologne he was wearing (there’s something about an Aqua Velva man). She called him by name and told him to take off that mask and put his gun away. He did, and proceeded to sit down at one of the gambling tables. The cops decided he might not have been kidding after it was noticed that the casino’s phone lines had been cut and our bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland where bozo Bernardo Gomez was arrested and charged with distributing drugs. He was looking at ten years in prison if convicted. However, the prosecutors offered to shorten his term to two years if he would just plead guilty and save the state the expense of a trial. Most criminals would probably consult with their lawyer and accept what sounded like a pretty good deal. Now, what would a bozo do? Instead of calling his lawyer, our bozo contacted a psychic, who told him he would never spend a day behind bars. The bozo decided to go to trial. You’ve probably guessed the rest–he’s now facing ten years in prison.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out today’s story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Coalinga, California comes the story of bozo Shawn Alexander who, while in the process of robbing a home, worked up a thirst and decided to pour himself a drink. While he had the refrigerator door open, he realized he was hungry, so he put a pot of water on to boil, helped himself to some chicken wings and proceeded to cook some shrimp. While waiting for the shrimp to boil, he found a Polaroid camera and decided to take a picture of himself. At this time, a neighbor who was checking on the house surprised the bozo and he bolted out the back door, leaving a developing Polaroid picture of himself on the kitchen counter.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs File. From Cobb County, Georgia comes the story of police chief Billy Westerberg who called a news conference to announce that the county was cracking down on red light runners with the installation of cameras at intersections and more officers out watching for traffic violators. Guess who was stopped for running a red light on the way home from the news conference? The chief, of course.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jonesboro, Arkansas where bozo Al Wesley decided he would help a couple of his buddies escape from jail. Only problem, he didn’t tell them of his plan. Last week, as his friends were waiting patiently for their bond paperwork to go through, our bozo friend crashed his Jeep Cherokee through the doors of the police station, hoping to give them a chance to flee. His friends, unaware that this was their cue to flee, joined everyone else in the facility in running for cover. Bozo Al was arrested and joined his friends in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Payne of Quitman, Texas who passed along today’s story via the internet. From Oshawa, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozos Larry Caine and Robert Rivera who made a break for freedom as they were being led from a police van for a court appearance. They didn’t get very far, though. Our bozos were handcuffed together, a fact they forgot as they approached a lamppost and bozo number one went to the right side and bozo number two went to the left side. The suspects collided in a heap and were quickly subdued by the police.

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0969: If you’re going to rob someplace, it’s usually a good idea to remember where you parked your getaway car. From Shawnee, Kansas comes the story of Bozos Jason McGee and Shawn Albert who held up the local McDonalds, locking the employees in a meat cooler. The employees soon got out and called the cops, who noticed one car that no one could identify in the parking lot. The cops called the owner of the car who gave a description of her boyfriend who she said had borrowed the car. On a hunch, the cops decided to check out the bar next door and sure enough there was our bozo and his accomplice, throwing back a few brewskis. And why did they head to the bar instead of driving away from the scene of the crime? According to our bozo, amid all the excitement of the holdup, they simply couldn’t find their getaway car in the large McDonalds parking lot, so they decided they would cool their heels for a while in the bar. Those heels are now being cooled in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Farmingdale, New York where bozo Jerome Walker walked into a branch of the EAB Bank. He approached a teller, one hand thrust in a coat pocket, and slid a note across the counter which read, "Give me all the money or I”ll kill myself." The teller looked at the note, looked at what was obviously his finger in his pocket and simply said, "No." The bozo looked at the teller, looked at his note, realized his mistake, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Peters, Missouri where bozo Reggie Johnson held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. The bozo then jumped into his car and, wouldn’t you know it, the car just would not start. After a minute or so of trying, the bozo gave up and walked back inside and told the clerk that since his car wouldn’t start, could he just give the money back…And would someone please give him a jump start. The police soon arrived and gave him a jump start on his way to the jail.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Copenhagen, Denmark comes the story of bozo computer hacker Lars Haagen who liked to hack into personal computers to try to obtain access to bank account and credit card information. He was caught when he tried to hack into Arne Lindstrom’s computer. You see, Arne’s computer is the last one the bozo should have chosen to try to hack into. Arne is the head of the Copenhagen Police Department’s Computer Crime unit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Redondo Beach, California. Winner not only of the Bozo of the Day award but also winner of the bad excuse of the day is Bozo John Abrams who was stopped by the police after they noticed the car he was driving had the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. Obviously the bozo had been in an accident but when the police asked Mr. Abrams why the light pole was there, the intoxicated bozo replied, "It came with the car when I bought it."

Our Bozo criminal for today is from the International File. From Ottawa, Canada comes the story of a flower shop employee who called the cops to report that herstore had been robbed by a man who smelled strongly of alcohol and acted drunk. Police decided to check out a nearby pub and, sure enough, at the bar was a bozo matching the description of the robber. When police asked him to empty his pockets, he pulled out the holdup note.