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Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida where bozo Darren O’Donnell spotted some wild parrots nesting atop an electrical substation. Thinking the parrots might be valuable, our bozo set out to capture them. Now, if you are a bozo and you want to dislodge some parrots from the top of an electrical substation, what would you use? A metal pole, of course. Our bozo was poking around with the pole when he touched a transformer and was zapped with 15,000 volts. The parrots were unharmed. The bozo suffered second and third degree burns and was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Beaverdam, Virginia where bozo Ronnie Thompson walked into the local Quick Stop convenience store, pulled out a pistol and demanded that the clerk hand over all the money in the register. The clerk quickly noticed that the pistol our bozo was pointing at him was in fact a squirt gun. The clerk then reached under the counter and pulled out a real gun, a 45 semi automatic, which he trained on the bozo until the cops arrived.

Thanks to many bozo news hawks who passed along today’s story. From New York City comes the story of bozo Terrence Anderson who attempted to break into a clothing store in the Flatbush section. Our bozo was trying to squeeze himself between the metal bars on the rear window of the store when his sweater became ensnarled in the bars. In the process of trying to free himself, our bozo apparently slipped, causing the sweater to tighten around his neck and hanging himself. Police noticed that the bozo, who had a long record of burglary arrests, should have taken notice of the name of the store he attempted to rob. Perhaps he did, and it was simply too much for a bozo to resist. The name of the shop–The Dum-Dum Boutique.

Bozo criminals for today pulled off one of the biggest heists in American history, but in the end the fact that they were just rich bozos brought them down. Bozos Steve and Michelle Chambers plead guilty in Charlotte, North Carolina to stealing $17 million from the Loomis, Wells Fargo armored car company. During their time on the lam, our bozos did several things which called attention to their new found wealth and eventually led to their arrest. For one thing, they moved directly from a mobile home into a $600,000 mansion. But the capper was the time bozo Michelle walked into a bank with $200,000 in cash in a suitcase and asked the bank manager, "How much can I deposit without the bank reporting the transaction to the government?" A better question would have been, "How stupid can I be before I get caught?"

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Denman of the Lufkin, Texas PD for sending along today’s report. It seems bozo Timmy Mason was stopped by the Lufkin police on a traffic violation. The officer asked our bozo if he would mind the officer looking inside the vehicle to see if it contained any weapons or contraband. To which the bozo replied, "Yes, I do mind." The officer asked him why and our bozo replied, "Because I have a gun in the front seat." Sure enough, there was a 9mm pistol beside the driver’s seat. Our bozo was arrested for unlawful possession of a weapon.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Erie, Pennsylvania where bozo Steven Wallensky was arrested for stealing a half million dollars from a safe in his fiancee’s parents’ house while they were away on vacation. Our bozo took the money and ran, spending it freely, buying a new Mercedes, video and stereo equipment and taking his mother on a spree at the casinos in Atlantic City. It was his last stop that got him caught. It seems our bozo took a liking to a gentleman’s club. Management at the club became suspicious when the dancers noticed that the $8,000 in cash tips that he gave them had a musty smell, like money that had been stored in a safe for a long time. The cops were called, put two and two together and arrested our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Olathe, Kansas where bozo Joshua Wilson was in jail for forgery. He was almost released when jail officials received a fax on what appeared to be corrections department stationery, saying the charges against our bozo had been dropped. Then someone noticed that the governor’s name had been misspelled. Our bozo now has another forgery charge added to his record.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kingston, Ontario, Canada where bozo Alan Hamel walked into a convenience store, waved a knife at the clerk and demanded cash. The clerk stepped back from the register and told our bozo to help himself. Unable to open the register, the bozo grabbed it off the counter and headed for the door, without realizing the machine was still plugged in. He only made it a couple of steps before the cord snapped tight and jerked him off his feet. He then tried to cut the electric wire with his knife. His knife with a metal handle. He received enough of a jolt that the clerk was able to hold him down until the cops arrived.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the story of bozo Kwok Chi Hoi who held up a cab driver, getting away with the driver’s cash and his cellular phone. Unfortunately for our bozo when he jumped out of the cab, he left behind his own cell phone. Programmed into that phone was the bozo’s home phone number and pasted on the phone was a picture of our bozo and his girl friend. He’s now doing four years.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lexington, Kentucky where bozo Troy Hamilton walked into a convenience store, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk refused. The bozo then lunged toward the clerk and in the ensuing struggle the gun went off, wounding the bozo in the arm. The crook then fled the store and turned up a few minutes later at the police station, wanting to file assault charges against the clerk. He was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo Ricky Jones had the bright idea of climbing up into the crawl space above the dressing rooms in a large department store, hoping to catch a glimpse of some of the women customers as they were trying on clothes. Phase one of his plan worked. He managed to wiggle his way into the crawl space above the ladies dressing room. Phase two did not work quite as he had planned, as his perch gave way, sending him crashing to the floor where he was quickly apprehended by store security personnel.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Charles Gallo of New York who sends along this bozo report. From Thibodaux, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Toney Denman who was arrested for putting out his garbage. Well, sort of. It seems our bozo accidentlly threw away a duffel bag full of marijuana. The bozo soon realized his mistake and took off after the garbage truck. When he finally caught up, he convinced the garbage crew to let him dig thru the trash looking for his bag, after telling them the bag was full of money. The driver became suspicious and called the cops who arrived to find our bozo neck deep in garbage.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out that Ann Landers has done it again. Another story from Ann’s weekend column. From Denver, Colorado comes the story of bozo Eddie Denton who held up a local bank, taking a small amount of cash. Our bozo would probably have gotten away with it except for one small thing. The holdup note, which he stuck in his pants pocket and forgot about. And was found by an alert empoyee at the local dry cleaners when preparing the pants for cleaning. Thinking the note looked like the real thing, she alerted the cops who arrested our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts where bozo Alan Hamilton was walking down the street when he saw a police officer approaching. Our bozo reached into his pocket, took out a small glass jar and placed it on the ground behind a post. The police officer walked up and asked our bozo what he had just placed on the ground. "It’s my weed," the bozo replied. And indeed it was. The officer confiscated the marijuana and arrested the bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bridgeport, Connecticut where bozo Gary Zoeller reported to work for his first day on the job as a dispatcher. The first order of business was a training session on a computer used to check on outstanding arrest warrants. The trainer had our bozo type his own name into the computer so he could see how the system worked. In a matter of seconds, the computer brought up our bozo’s name along with an outstanding warrant for passing bad checks. Yep, the new police dispatcher was a wanted man. He was arrested on the spot.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rick Nakroshis who passed along today’s bozo report via the internet. From Schererville, Indiana comes the story of bozo Alfred Warren who was celebrarting St. Patrick’s Day with several of his buddies at a local bar. Our bozo excused himself and went to visit the restroom, which, as you might expect had been rather busy this particular evening. So busy, in fact, that the toilet was stopped up. Since there was no plunger available, Alfred did what any bozo would do. He pulled out his handgun and shot the toilet. Killed it dead. Smashed it to smithereens. He did unstop the toilet. But he also got himself arrested for criminal recklessness with a handgun, a felony.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Coleman who passed along today’s story via the internet. From Bartlett, Illinois comes the story of bozo William Hanks who broke into the Constable Police Supply Company, getting away with two police radios. Our bozo was arrested a few days later when he returned to the same business and attempted to sell the stolen radios back to them. An astonished sales clerk asked the bozo to wait a moment while he talked to the manager. The bozo was still waiting when the cops arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, Ohio where bozo Sam DiBella had spent the evening drinking with his buddies and bragging about his hot new car. After leaving the bar, our bozo decided he would show his friends just how hot his new car was. He pulled up to a red light, revved the engine and yelled a challenge to the other driver. The bozo stepped on it and immediately lost control, skidding into a telephone pole. But his problems didn’t end there. Remember the other driver, the one the bozo issued the challenge to? He was an off duty Newark police officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sterling Heights, Michigan where bozo Norm Michaels came up with a scam to make himself some money. He claimed that his daughter had been kidnapped by his ex-wife and set up a little fundraiser to try to get her back. He charged five bucks a head and provided food and entertainment. What he didn’t count on was that the police knew his daughter had not been kidnapped. In fact she had been taken into protective custody by the cops after her mother proved to be unfit. Needless to say, the cops were quite interested in our bozo’s little "fundraiser." About 50 people were in attendance when an undercover cop took the stage, sang a karaoke version of "I Fought the Law" and slapped the cuffs on the bozo.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Radnor, Pennsylvania where the cops decided to have a little fun with a bozo habitual criminal. The bozo was interrogated while wearing a metal colander on his head that was connected by wires to a nearby copy machine. The cops told him he was hooked up to their new high tech lie detector. The police had placed the message "He’s lying" in the copier and each time they thought the bozo wasn’t telling the truth, they’d hit the copy button. Of course, the machine would spit out the result, "He’s lying." Amazed at the accuracy of the new machine, the bozo simply confessed.