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Bozo criminal for today comes from the Cyberspace File. Bozo Alexander Jarvis was the district sales manager for Harvard Neckware in suburban Miami, a necktie company. As sales manager, it was easy for our bozo to steal a few ties. Quite a few, actually, about $100,000 worth. And what would a bozo do with $100,000 worth of neckties stolen from his employer? Set up a website to sell them, of course. Now, the owner of the company knew someone was stealing from him but would never have suspected his trusted sales manager until he stumbled upon his website while surfing the net. What caught his eye was that the bozo had used his own home address and cell phone number for the company. And to top it off, the bozo never even bothered to remove the identifying company name tags from the back of the ties. Needless to say, he’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From London, England comes the story of bozo Lee Harper who broke into a car an found a camera in the glove compartment. He let his girlfriend take a picture of him as he searched the car and then proudly posed outside his home, showing off the car and the screwdriver he used to break into it. A short time later, he dumped the vehicle, leaving the camera, with the film still in it, in the car. The car was returned to the owner who had the film developed. Upon seeing our bozo’s smiling face in the photos he turned them over to the cops, who immediately recognized and arrested our bozo. The whole situation was summed up in typical British fashion by the police spokesman who said, "We are very grateful to this man for making his own arrest so easy. He quite literally put himself in the frame for his own crime."

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Cordoba Province, Argentina comes the story of Bozo Hector Bedelia who robbed a woman as she sat in her car at a resort on San Roque Lake. Alerted by the victim’s screams, the cops quickly arrived and began chasing our bozo thief. Hemmed in by his pursuers, our bozo jumped into the lake to escape. Bad idea. You see, our bozo could not swim. The officers had to first save him before they could arrest him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Salta, Argentina comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole some clothes from the monastery there. He might have gotten away with it if he hadn’t returned to the church the following week and taken communion from the priest wearing the very clothes he had stolen. The priest concluded mass and then called the cops who arrested the bozo parishoner.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stamford, Connecticut where nothing went right for bozo Carlos Perez who tried to rob a Staples office supply store. Our bozo hid in the store until it closed for the evening, then donned a rubber mask similar to the one worn in the movie "Scream" and, brandishing a pistol, confronted a warehouse worker. The worker called his supervisor who came over and, thinking the whole thing was a prank, simply ripped our bozo’s mask off. This so surprised the bozo that he dropped his pistol, which was promptly picked up by the supervisor who took it and ran to his office to call the cops. Meanwhile our bozo pulled out yet another gun, which the warehouse worker immediately took away from him. The bozo then decided it might be time to get out of there and made a break for the door where he was met by the police.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland where bozo Dorothy Jackson was running for mayor. Bozo Dorothy showed up at the local TV station to take part in a live interview on the "Newsmaker" segment of the 6 o’clock news and left the station in handcuffs after a police officer watching the show recognized her as a wanted fugitive. To top it off the bozo had just spent much of her interview talking about how the city police needed better training. Sounds like they were trained well enough to catch her!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where the landscapers at O’Hare International Airport were working on a beautification campaign. They had announced plans to plant wild flowers along the airport runways and in preparation had brought in several loads of compost and topsoil, dumping it on land adjacent to the runways. A bozo gardner, however, spotted the stuff and had what he considered a better idea. Bozo Alan Harrell had somehow been able to sneak onto the airport property and plant several marijuana plants in the rich topsoil. The plants took off and were growing rapidly when one of the airport landscapers noticed them. The cops were called and wouldn’t you know it, our bozo gardner showed up to tend his plants at about the same time the cops did.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0888: If you’re gonna steal from your neighbors, at least keep the stolen loot out of sight. From Gifford, Florida comes the story of bozo Barbara Mitchell who stole a number of items from her next door neighbor, including a television, shoes, hair care products and a Harley-Davidson bath towel. It was that Harley bath towel that sealed our bozo’s fate. The neighbor spotted it when our bozo hung it out to dry on the clothesline in her backyard. The cops were called, and after a little investigative work, bozo Barbara was arrested.

We’ve searched all existing laws and can’t find any law that our bozo for today violated. But, there was just no way we could avoid honoring him. From Little Rock, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Joseph Tindell who was taking a look inside a gasoline can at the mobile home where he lived, trying to determine if there was any gas left in the container. The light was not very good in his living room, so our bozo took out his trusty Zippo lighter, lit it and held it over the can to get a better look. As you might have guessed, gasoline and an open flame are not a good combination and before you knew it the fumes ignited. Our bozo compounded the problem by slinging the burning gas can across the room, further spreading the flames. Our bozo and his girlfriend escaped unharmed. The trailer was a total loss.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrence, Massachusetts where bozo Robert Clark works as a nurse at a nursing home. To supplement his income, our bozo had a bad habit of stealing drugs from the nursing home pharmacy and then selling them on the street. Our bozo got into trouble when he stole some morphine from the pharmacy and then paged a customer who had bought drugs from him before. Or at least he thought he was calling an old customer. He misdialed and instead paged a Lawrence police officer. When the officer returned the call, our bozo asked him how he’d liked the morphine that he sold him before. The quick thinking cop played along and arranged to meet our bozo to purchase the drugs. The bozo was arrested when he arrived to make the deal, drugs in hand.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newport, Delaware where bozo Robert Harrigan was wanted by the cops for leaving the scene of an automobile accident. Police didn’t have any trouble tracking our bozo down, however. The impact of the crash ruptured several paint cans in the bed of our bozo’s pickup, leaving a paint trail four miles long into the parking lot of the bozo’s apartment complex.

Bozo criminal for today just couldn’t get anything right. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of bozo Robbie Davis who walked into a convenience store and purchased a soda. When the clerk opened the cash register, our bozo tried to reach in and grab some cash, but the employee slammed the drawer shut before he could grab any. Our bozo then lunged for the register, knocking it to the floor. The bozo again attempted to grab some cash but was stopped this time by a customer. Deciding that things just weren’t working out, our bozo tried to make a run for it. But when he got outside, he discovered that he had lost one of his sandals in the scuffle with the customer. So, he came back into the store, picked up his sandal and then fled on foot, leaving behind his getaway vehicle, a bicycle. Residents who saw the whole thing pointed officers in the right direction, ending with the man’s arrest in the stairwell of a nearby apartment complex.

Bozo criminal for today took a little too much of a good thing. From the International File in The Netherlands comes the story of a bozo criminal known only as "Albert B." Albert B was known as the "dinner pirate" for his habit of ordering expensive meals and fine wines at the best restaurants and then telling the waiter, "You have a problem" when the check was presented. He would then claim he didn’t have enough money to pay the tab and would sneak out of the restaurant while the confused waiter tried to figure out what to do. Bozo Albert was captured when he found a restaurant he really enjoyed. He was recognized and arrested when he made the mistake of hitting the same restaurant two weeks in a row.

Bozo criminals for today come from St. Paul, Minnesota where three bozos broke into a house and used a shotgun to threaten a man that they said owed them money, firing a warning shot over the man’s head in an attempt to scare him into paying up. On their way out, the shotgun discharged again, this time hitting one of the bozos in the rear end. All three were arrested a few minutes later when a police officer saw the wounded man limpling down the street and stopped to investigate.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Virginia where a German "tourist", supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist doesn’t know a thing about the sport. He asks him to demonstrate his swing, which the bozo does–something that comes out looking like a cross between a bowling and a baseball swing. The customs official then decided to check the bozo’s golf bag, and found it filled not with golf equipment but with narcotics. Our bozo smuggler was arrested.

A Best of Bozo. From the Archive… Bozo criminal for today comes from Bloomington, Indiana where bozo Reggie Chiles thought he had found the ideal situation for an "expert" safecracker like himself. A small local business that kept several thousand dollars in their safe. Our bozo got into the building and was in the process of opening the safe when he noticed a small blinking red light up near the ceiling. Sure enough, it was a video surveillance camera. Instead of trying to hide his face from the camera, our bozo climbed up on a chair and stuck his face right into the camera as he took a screwdriver to the mounting brackets. He got away with the camera and some cash, but unfortunately for the bozo the recording equipment was in another room and he left behind a tape containing an excellent picture of his ugly bozo mug. He was quicklly recognized by the cops and arrested.

The Bozo criminals for today come from San Diego, California where bozos Julian Carson and Juan Ortega were chased out of a convenience store by a clerk who caught them shoplifting. After pursuing them a short distance down the street, the clerk gave up and went back into the store and called police. A few minutes later, the clerk couldn’t believe his eyes when the bozos walked back into the store to ask for an empty bag to carry their shoplifted loot home in. Their return trip to the store coincided with the arrival of the police who placed the two bozos under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Boulder City, Nevada where the local police department uses "Lt. Dan", a plastic dummy "officer" in an empty squad car to fool drivers into slowing down. A couple of teenaged bozos decided it might be fun to steal Lt. Dan, so they busted out the patrol car window, grabbed the dummy and stuffed him in the back of their pickup truck. When they tried to make their getaway, the wheels of their vehicle got stuck in the dirt. And wouldn’t you know it, just as they were trying to get unstuck, who should come driving by but a squad car with a couple of real officers inside. They stopped to help, noticed Lt. Dan in the back and arrested the bozos for damage to a police vehicle, theft and burglary.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dick Coleman who passed along today’s story via the internet. From the International File in Reykjavik, Iceland comes the story of two bozos who stole a trailer-tent from a car park in a Reykjavik suburb. The bozos drove to a nearby campsite and tried to set up their new tent, only to discover that it was broken. In trying to get it set up they made so much noise that they attracted the attention of a man in a nearby tent, who looked out and thought, "Hey, that looks familiar!" The bozos had set up camp right next to the man they had stolen the tent from. He called the cops and they were arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, South Carolina where bozo Wesley Sloan held up a convenience store and fled on foot. He then was unfortunate enough to flag down a passing motorist who just happened to be an off duty policeman. Our bozo asked the cop how much it would cost to get him to a nearby donut shop. At this point the driver identified himself as a policeman and our bozo took off running. He was caught moments later and charged with armed robbery.