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Bozo criminals for today come from Boston, Massachusetts where an automobile was stolen. The cops were called and during the investigation, the officer asked the owner of the car if there were any valuables in the car at the time it was taken. Yes, said the owner, as a matter of fact there were a pair of tickets to that evening’s Boston Red Sox baseball game in the glove box. Figuring he had nothing to lose, the cop went to the game, checked out the seats and sure enough there sat our bozos, who had conveniently driven the car to the game, too. They didn’t even get to stay for the seventh inning stretch.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dick Coleman for passing along today’s story. From Santa Rosa, California comes the story of Bozo Lloyd Jacobsen who was burglarizing a house when he was surprised by the home’s owner. As our bozo tried to make his getaway, the homeowner yelled for him to stop. When he didn’t, she grabbed his sweatshirt and proceeded to call out for help. Our bozo quickly slipped out of the sweatshirt and headed for the door. The homeowner then grabbed his sweatpants and held on tight. The pants eventually came off, too, along with his shoes. The now naked bozo then ran to his bicycle (quite a getaway vehicle, huh?) and jumped on, pedaling furiously down the street. In the meantime, the cops received a call of a crazy naked guy riding a bicycle down a city street. Officers were dispatched and spotted a bicycle leaning up against a tree. And up in the tree was our naked bozo. The policed helped him down and arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Racine, Wisconsin where bozo Gerald Williams purchased what he considered to be some bad cocaine from a local dealer. Our bozo was arguing with the dealer in question, demanding a refund. Suddenly he came up with a bright bozo idea–he would call police headquarters and have them send an officer over to settle the dispute. A patrol car was dispatched and unbelievably the bozo let the officers into his house, showed them the drugs and asked them to help him get his money back from the dealer, who was still there. (Obviously there’s more than one bozo in this story) The officers tested the drugs and settled the dispute by arresting both bozos.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida where bozo Walter Reynolds stole a $15,000 set of golf clubs at the PGA Doral Ryder Cup Open. Now, if you’re a bozo and you suddenly find yourself in possession of $15,000 worth of golf clubs, what do you do? Tyr to sell them to a professional golfer for $5 apiece, of course. When our bozo offered the clubs to Senior Tour player Raymond Floyd, he immediately recognized the clubs were worth far more than the $5 asking price and called the cops. The police arrived and found the bozo still on the course, still trying to sell the clubs. He was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Britain, Connecticut where bozo Paul Brown was definitely doing the wrong thing in the wrong place at the wrong time. Our bozo set up a booth to sell candy for a non-existent charity for state lifeguards. He set the booth up right next to the police station and had sold about $59 worth of candy, mostly to police officers, before someone decided to run a background check. The check not only found the charity to be bogus but that our bozo also had a lengthy record for fraud. The cops walked him next door and booked him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. This bozo didn’t really commit a crime, but there was no way we could pass up this story. From Capetown, South Africa comes the story of Welsh tourist Robby Perkins who was in a tour bus in a busy section of the city when he decided it might be rather funny to "moon" the passing cars. So, our bozo dropped his pants and pressed his bottom against the rear window of the bus. Unfortunately for Robby, the window he pressed his behind against was the emergency exit which is designed to come free under pressure. So, the window popped out and so did our trouserless bozo, landing in the middle lane of the highway. Luckily for him the bus was traveling at a slow rate of speed and he received only minor cuts and scrapes and a large amount of embarassment.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio where Bozo Jesus Ramirez walked into the Firstar Bank carrying two grocery bags, large ones, crammed full of cash, which he says he wants to deposit. The teller tells him that since he has more than $10,000 in cash, the transaction will have to be reported to the IRS. She then gives him the necessary forms, which he fills out and gives back to her. The teller notices something suspicious when she is looking over the forms. On the line asking what he does for a living, the bozo, who had just brought in grocery sacks filled with cash, wrote "unemployed." This sent up a few red flags and when the cops went by his apartment to investigate they found an additional $156,000 in cash, which they allege came from Ramirez’ sale of 22 kilos of cocaine. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0220: It’s usually a good idea to take care of your personal business before robbing a bank. From Port Christian, Mississippi comes the story of Bozo Darryl Evans who held up the People’s Bank there. Our bozo handed the teller a note saying he was armed and to hand over the cash, which she did. Our bozo got only a short distance away from the bank before nature called. And you know, when you gotta go, you gotta go. And just like in that Adam Sandler movie, he decided to relieve himself in public. Unfortunately, a police cruiser happened by about this time and when the officers noticed he seemed a little nervous, they checked his pockets and found the cash and the hold up note. He was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today wins our Bozo Excuse of the Week competition. From Washington, DC comes the story of bozo Fred Barrito who was arrested for possession of drugs with intent to sell after police pulled him over on a routine traffic stop. While the cop was talking to him, our bozo started acting a little strangely, leading the officer to take a look inside the car, where he found 13 bags of crack cocaine. Our bozo then told the cops that the bags had simply flown into the open window of his car just before he was pulled over and he was merely inspecting them to see what they were. He’ll have plenty of time in jail to come up with a better story.

Now, we’ve all heard this sort of bozo story before but it’s his excuse that makes David Smyth our Bozo of the Day. From Deerfield Beach, Florida comes the story of Bozo David Smyth who climbed up a palm tree, jumped over to the roof of a pizza restaurant and then shimmied down the exhaust vent. He got about three quarters of the way down before you can guess what happened. Right. He got stuck. Our bozo stayed stuck all night and was still in the vent in the morning when the pizza crew arrived for work. Hearing his calls for help, they called the cops who then called the fire department rescue squad. After failing in an attempt to pull the bozo out of the bottom of the vent, the rescue workers finally wound up pouring a couple of gallons of pizza restaruant grease (cool, thank goodness) down the vent. It loosened the bozo up enough that they were able to tie a rope around him and pull him out. To add insult to injury, our bozo was so greasy that he not only slipped out of the vent, he also slipped out of his pants on the way out. But, it was his excuse for being in the vent in the first place that earned him his place on the Bozo Honor Roll. Bozo David told the cops that he climbed up a palm tree, jumped over to the roof of the pizza restaurant and shimmied down the exhaust vent because he was looking for a quiet place to sleep.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present for you today the first ever bozo criminal from our own industry (which has been known to have quite a few bozos in it over the years). From the Radio Division of the Bozo criminal files comes the story of the bozos who run the college radio station at Oxford University in England. It seems that the student run station at Oxford was in danger of losing its license because the station played a lot of music and not much of the science and arts programming that it was supposed to carry. So, the government agency charged with overseeing college radio in England asked the station for a tape of its March 1st programming. The bozos at the station knew they were in violation of the rules on that date so instead of sending them the actual tape, they decided to fabricate an entire day of programming. On March 8th, the station dropped the music programming and aired talk, news and education shows, all the while giving the date as March 1st. They then shipped those tapes off to the authorities. Only one problem—while acting as if it were March 1st, the bozos were reading news stories from the day they made the fake broadcast, March 8th, a week later. Needless to say the station was fined and all the bozo staffers lost their jobs.

Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Ottawa County, Michigan comes the story of a bozo who set the new Bozo World’s Land Speed Record for quickest return to jail. Twenty one year old bozo Reginald Phillips was released from the Ottawa County Jail Saturday morning at 12:01 AM. At 12:09 AM our bozo was spotted climbing over a chain link fence, back onto the jail grounds, and attempting to pass a cigarette to an inmate through a steel grate covering a window. At 12:10 AM our bozo was back in custody, charged with illegal entry into a prison facility and disorderly conduct. That’s nine minutes flat, bettering the previous record of 45 minutes held by a bozo who got busted for drinking beer to celebrate his release as he was driving home from jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lynnwood, Washington where bozos Jacob Scott and Timothy Weems held up a bank and then made quick getaway. Unfortunately for our bozos their getaway path took them right by the local mall and, since they had a lot of cash on their hands, the bozos decided they might as well go shopping. The cops noticed the getaway car in the parking lot and arrested our bozos as they came out of the mall with their purchases.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spokane, Washington where the police were having a community "Meet the Police" night. Residents were invited to stop by a neighborhood park, get to know the police and see some of the force’s newest technology. At one booth, the police were showing off their new drivers license computer that was connected directly to the state’s main computer. The police could "run" your drivers license and check to see if you had any outstanding tickets. To show how it worked, the police asked for a volunteer to come up and give them his license number. For reasons known only to a bozo, Sammy Smith walked up and volunteered. To the cops disbelief, when they ran Bozo Sammy’s license, they found he was a wanted man, with several outstanding warrants. He was arrested on the spot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hermiston, Oregon where bozo Lucas White had a plan. He would rob the U.S. Bank branch there while wearing a bright red shirt and white hat, something that would be easy to identify. Then he would quickly run from the bank, jump in the trunk of his getaway car and change clothes, thereby making himself more difficult to recognize. Things started out OK, our bozo got his money, jumped in the trunk and started to change clothes. Then he heard a click. Yep, he had locked himself in the trunk of his car. He began pounding on the trunk and screaming for help and who should answer his cries but one of the police officers who was looking for him. The officer was kind enough to free our bozo from the trunk before arresting him.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3329: It’s usually not a good idea to use your mom as your getaway car driver. From Columbus, Ohio comes the story of bozo Darren Wallace who decided to hold up the local bank. Only problem-our bozo had no transportation. So he asked his mother if she would give him a lift to the bank. Since mom didn’t know what his plans were she was glad to oblige. What our bozo didn’t know was that mom also needed to make a quick trip to the grocery store a couple of blocks away. So she dropped him off at the bank and headed for the store to take care of her shopping. When our bozo ran out of the bank his getaway car was nowhere to be found. He was arrested before mom ever returned with her groceries.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From La Ronge, Saskatchewan comes the story of James Fennigan, who walked into a hotel with his fingers cocked in the shape of a handgun and stuck inside his jacket pocket it looked pretty real. Pointing his "gun" at the clerk, he shouted, "This is a stickup. I’m not fooling around." When the clerk did not seem to be frightened by his weapon the bozo got more and more excited and more and more agitated until finally, he pulled his "hand gun" out of his pocket and gestured for the clerk to hurry up. Seeing he had no weapon, the clerk called for security who rushed over and quickly disarmed and arrested our bozo.

Bozo News Hawk award for today goes to Ed Pennell who passed along this story via the internet. From Cardiff, New South Wales comes the story of bozo Mark Cason who walked into the local post office, flashed a gun-replica cigarette lighter and demanded all the money in the safe. The postmaster produced $15,000, most of it in coins. This was a very large and heavy package, so our bozo asked two children standing in the post office to get the door for him. They did, and in the process wrote down the license number of his getaway car. He managed to make it to a nearby hotel, stashing his loot in the hotel’s safe. He checked in under an assumed name and told the receptionist that if the police came by looking for Mark Cason, to tell them he wasn’t there. They did, she gave them his room number and he was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today wins our Bozo Worst Excuse of the Month Award. From the International File in Liege, Belgium comes the story of a bozo who was brought in by police for questioning regarding the robbery of a jewelry store. The bozo told police that there was no way he could have robbed the jewelry store because he was busy breaking into a school across town at the same time. Police checked their records and sure enough a school had been robbed that same evening. Our bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee where bozo Jonathan Parker thought he had it all figured out. He really wanted the leather jacket at the expensive department store but there was no way he could afford it. So he thought he’d just shoplift it. Only problem, the jacket had one of those little electronic tags–the kind that set off an alarm if you walk out the door with them still on the clothing. So our bozo goes into a changing room and peels off the little tag, throws it on the floor and walks out wearing his jacket. As soon as he gets to the door, the alarm goes off. A security guard who had been keeping an eye on him anyway stops him and retrieves the jacket. So, why did the alarm go off? Remember the little tag the bozo peeled off and threw on the floor? He stepped on it and it stuck to his shoe.