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With the World Series getting underway this weekend, it’s only appropriate that we have a baseball bozo for you. From Boston, Massachusetts comes the story of bozos John Carter and Earl Wilson who either weren’t baseball fans or they have really bad timing. On Sunday night our bozos stopped into the Star Market in Boston, just a few blocks from Fenway Park and held up the clerk, getting away with a small amount of cash. All our bozos had to do now was make a speedy getaway and everything would be fine. Unfortunately for the bozos just as they hit the streets they met up with a terrible traffic snarl, about 30,000 fans on the way to the ballpark. In the meantime, store employees called the cops who caught up with our bozos while they were still stuck in traffic.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Calgary, Alberta, Canada where bozo David Payne decided to try and beat a routine traffic ticket in court. Our bozo had been ticketed in January for failure to use a left turn lane at an intersection. A few months after the bozo had been ticketed that intersection had been reconfigured and now there was no left turn lane there. So, our bozo brought along some pictures of the new intersection, planning to claim that they showed there was no left turn lane, figuring the judge would never suspect that the pictures were new. The judge took one look at the bozo’s pictures and asked him when they had been taken. "In January, the day after I was ticketed, you honor," our bozo replied. "Guilty," said the judge, slamming down his gavel. And how did the judge know the bozo was lying? Those pictures our bozo submitted as evidence, supposedly taken in January, in the dead of Canadian winter, showed a lovely intersection perfectly landscaped with green grass and fresh flowers.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along today’s story via the internet. From the island of Barbados comes the story of bozo Antonio Martin who stole three packages of batteries from the local discount store. The security guard spotted him stealing the batteries and took off after him but our bozo was too fast for him and soon the guard gave up and returned to his post. Our bozo must have worked up a terrible thirst while fleeing the guard because a short time later he returned to the same discount store to buy himself a soft drink. This time the guard recognized him and called the cops who arrested the bozo after finding the shoplifted batteries still in his pocket.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida where bozo Jose Herrera donned a ski mask and grabbed a pistol with the intention of robbing an EZ serve convenience store. Our bozo pulled up in front of the store at 11:15 one evening and ran toward the door with the intention of bursing into the store and frightening everyone inside. This might have worked out very well except for one thing. The EZ Serve store closes at 11:00 pm. So when the bozo ran up to the door it was locked. He had up such a head of steam that he crashed into the door head first, stunning himself and knocking himself to the ground. Store clerks who had been watching the whole thing called the cops who arrived before our bozo had fully recovered his senses.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Torrington, Connecticut where bozo Ron Franklin stole a late model Nissan from a residential driveway. While our bozo was breaking into the car, some papers fell from his pocket. Not thinking they were important, the bozo simply left the papers on the ground as he sped away in his stolen car. Maybe he should have stopped to pick up those papers. The papers were the bail bond paperwork from when he had been bailed out of jail the day before and of course it contained his name and address.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee where our bozo found out it pays to have good neighbors. Bozo Jerry Hamilton broke into the house of 75 year-old Joseph Webb last Sunday whenWebb was away at church. The break-in did not go unnoticed by the neighborhood watch committtee, however and when our bozo tried to make his getaway he was met by about 30 angry neighbors, mostly women and children. They had every door and window blocked and when the bozo tried to force his way out the front door, a small army of kids with sticks beat him so severely he was forced to retreat back inside the house, where he remained until police came by and rescued and arrested him. Can you imagine this bozo telling his cellmate, "Yeah, I was busted when I was held captive by a bunch of kids with sticks."

Bozo criminal for today comes from Durham, North Carolina where bozo Shaun Taber walked into the Central Carolina Bank, waved a gun at the teller and demanded cash. While he was waving his pistol around, he lost his grip on the gun and it fell to the floor, discharging and firing a bullet into the ceiling. So shaken was our bozo by this turn of events that he scooped his gun up and fled the building without waiting around for his money. Bank employees were able to give the cops not only a good description of our bozo but also the license plate number of his getaway car. Police caught up with him a short time later and charged him with attempted robbery and reckless discharging of a firearm.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida where bozo Johnny Hannah was a little too honest for his own good. Our bozo held up a coin laundry, robbing the attendant of cash and taking her purse. For some reason, the robber later decided that he didn’t need the woman’s ATM card, so he called to tell her that he was going to mail it back. The woman checked her caller ID, got his name and phone number, called the cops and the bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasadena, California where bozo Donnell Thompson jimmyed the lock on a sliding glass door and broke into a nursing home. Thinking ahead, our bozo left the glass door open so he could make a quick getaway. While the bozo went about his business, a nursing home employee noticed the open glass door and closed it. And when bozo Donnell headed for the door, of course he thought it was still open and crashed directly into it. He sustained numerous cuts and left a blood trail which the police were able to follow to arrest him.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Holbert who sent in today’s report via the internet. From Englewood, Florida comes the story of bozo Joan Hampton who was given a marijuana cigarette as a birthday present. Bozo Joan promptly lost her joint was was convinced her son had stolen it. Her son denied the charges and a heated argument ensued between the two with our bozo finally calling the cops. When the police arrived, bozo Joan explained to the officer that her problem was that she could not find her joint. Being a helpful sort, the policeman offered to assist her in looking for it. The good news is that friendly officer found her joint. The bad news is that our bozo was then arrested for possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte, North Carolina where the local police were conducting a sweep on drug dealers in the area. A couple of police officers, in full uniform, were writing up a street corner drug dealer when bozo Ed Rogers walked up and started trying to make a deal with the drug dealer, completely ignoring the officer who was standing right next to him. He was still trying to negotiate the buy when he was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where Jo Ann Walker was placing a small gift bag into her car trunk when three teenaged bozos came by and snatched the bag from her, sarcastically yelling, "Thank you" as they ran off with what they no doubt thought was a very valuable package. What the teen bozos didn’t know was that Ms. Walker had just returned from walking her dog, Tippy. And the bag they stole contained the fresh doggie do that Ms. Walker had just scooped up and was going to throw away. Don’t you wish you could have seen the bozos faces when they opened that package?

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersberg, Florida where bozo Herman Hoover held up a Circle K convenience store. Our bozo came up with what he thought was a perfect disguise, a large plastic trash bag, which he placed over his head. He walked into the store, demanded money from the clerk and got away with a small amount of cash. He was captured a short time later by the cops who had a good description of our bozo. But he was wearing a plastic trash bag over his head…how could the cops have gotten a good description of him? The bag he used to conceal his identity was a plastic trash bag all right, a clear plastic trash bag.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cedar Rapids, Iowa where a police officer noticed a bozo driving a car that had no license plates. He pulled the car over and the driver identified himself as Anthony Jones. Bozo said he was from out of state and had forgotten his drivers license and as for what happened to the license tags, he had no idea. The officer wrote out a ticket and handed it to the bozo who signed it "Michael Mitchell". When the officer asked why he had signed a different name, our bozo replied, "Oh,BLEEP!" The patrolman ran a check on the name our bozo had signed and found he was wanted for nine previous moving violations. He was arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from Slidell, Louisiana where Marshall Mason and Samuel Cowan were spotted by the K-Mart security guard tossing stolen merchandise over the garden center fence. He called the cops who arrived just as our bozos were heading out of the parking lot. These bozos were not only caught redhanded with the stolen goods but they had also recorded what turned out to be a taped confession. In the car the cops found a cassette tape the bozos had made, in which they rapped about driving to Slidell to steal merchandise from the K-Mart. They also rapped about using drugs and about several other robberies they had committed in the area. They shouldn’t be expecting a recording contract any time soon, since they’re now in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut where bozo Fidel Hernandez thought it might be fun to have a siren on his car. He found one, hooked it up and drove out onto the highway to test it out. He pulled up behind a car, turned on the siren and much to his surprise the other vehicle pulled over. He was even more surprised when the driver of the other vehicle turned out to be a police officer driving an unmarked car. He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, New Jersey where bozo Reginald Carson needed some money to buy drugs so he decided to hold up the Hudson City Savings Bank there. Our bozo walked in, placed a canvas bag on the counter and handed the teller a note saying that the bag contained a bomb and that she should hand over the cash. The teller gave our bozo $1500 and he sprinted out of the bank, leaving his bag behind. Of course his bag did not contain a bomb, but it did contain a rather nice picture of the bozo. Outside the bank, he dropped a deposit slip with his name and address on it. He also hailed a cab, whose driver was able to identify him to the cops. Need we say he was arrested?

Bozo criminals for today come from the Domestic Dispute Division. From Carrollton, Texas comes the story of an unidentified couple, a 92 year old woman and her 86 year old husband. It seems the two lovebirds got into a verbal altercation in which the 92 year old woman swatted the 86 year old man with a rolled up newspaper (well, it does always work with the dog). The dispute became more and more heated and police had to be called to calm the two parties down. The cops arrived and discovered the fight was over laundry. The woman was upset because, as she said, she couldn’t remember how many times she’d told him not to put her red sox in with his white T-shirts. For his part, the man, who is hard of hearing, said he’d rather go to jail than put up with any more of her complaining. Cooler heads prevailed and no charges were filed. Maybe they can just have their laundry sent out…

Bozo criminals for today come from Atlanta, Georgia where our bozos decided to hold up a highway toll booth. The two bozos drove up to the booth after midnight, flashed a handgun and demanded that the three toll collectors throw all their money into a large plastic trash bag, which they did. Only one problem, our bozos bought the cheap, discount store type trash bags instead of the heavy duty ones. So when they lifted the bag filled with quarters, it split open, spilling money all over the roadway. The bozos grabbed what they could and sped away. The cops later found the car abandoned, with quarters scattered all over the inside of the car. They haven’t found the bozos yet. Maybe they should check the video arcade…or the laundromat.

From Bristol Township, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo Joseph Karnes who entered a tavern intent on stealing a purse to get money to buy drugs. He sits down, orders a drink and strikes up a conversation with the drunkest guy in the bar, figuring he won’t remember anything anyway. Soon an opportunity presents itself–a woman and her boyfriend get up to go play pool, leaving her purse behind. The bozo grabs it and makes a quick getaway. Police are called and they interview everyone in the bar without getting any useful information. Then, as a last resort, they decide to talk to the really drunk guy, the one the bozo sat next to. He doesn’t remember much about the bozo either, but he does remember one thing. While sitting at the bar the bozo filled out a Marlboro sweepstakes entry form which he handed to the barmaid. The barmaid then remembers the drunk is right and she finds the bozo’s entry form, which of course contains his name, address and phone number.