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Our bozo for today is from the Dating and Desperate file. From New Jersey comes the story of Clifford Cain who purchased 70 large bales of hay, arranged them on his 35 acre property to spell out "Marry Me Ruth" and then leased a small airplane to take his girlfriend Ruth up to see the question. A problem quickly arose. It’s getting dark earlier and earlier these days and our bozo was afraid his loved one would not be able to read the proposal. So, our bozo’s brother back on the ground set fire to the hay bales. While Ruth was reading the fiery question and saying yes, the neighbors were seeing flames and calling the cops and the fire department. The flames were quickly brought under control and our bozo’s brother was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge for setting the fire.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Ciudad Juarez, Mexico comes the story of a couple of bozos who picked the wrong vehicle to use to try to smuggle their pot. Our bozos loaded an old ambulance with marijuana, one bozo dressed as an ambulance driver, the other was the "patient" with a severe attack of appendicitis. They turned on the lights and sped through town. Unfortunately the cops had been tipped off and had set up a roadblock, complete with drug sniffing dogs. When the dogs smelled the drugs and became excited, so did the fake patient, who sat up and tried to jump out of the ambulance. The cops corralled both the driver and the patient and confiscated a hundred pounds of marijuana.

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Knoxville, Tennessee where bozo Gerald Gaines jumped a sandwich delivery person and grabbed her money bag. But our bozo got a little more than he bargained for in 5 foot 3 inch delivery person Sharon Gilbert. She chased after him, finally catching up with him and grabbing back the money bag just as he got into his car and fled. Now, any normal criminal would chalk this one up to experience, but remember we’re talking bozo here. Our bozo returned home and called the sandwich shop to complain that one of their employees had roughed him up. The folks at the sandwich shop took his complaint and gave his name and address to the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madisonville, Kentucky where police responded to a call of two trucks being driven strangely on a rural road. A bozo would drive one truck a hundred yards or so, stop, walk back to the second truck, drive it a hundred yards past the first truck, then walk back to the first truck, drive it and so on. The police stopped the bozo and asked him what he thought he was doing. Our bozo replied that his brother was passed out drunk in one of the the trucks so he was driving both of them home. One problem, our bozo was also drunk. He was arrested for DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Anchorage, Alaska where bozo Floyd Brunson tried to hold up the local Holiday Inn. Our bozo walked up to the front desk, poked his finger in his hooded sweat shirt as if it were a gun and demanded money. A hotel guest noticed what was happening and ran into a nearby conference room to let everyone there know what was going on. Before he even realized what was up, our bozo was surrounded by a lobby full of police officers who took him into custody. You see, our bozo had the misfortune of choosing to hold up the Holiday Inn on the same day that the local police officers group was holding their monthly meeting at the hotel.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Deridder, Louisiana where bozo Kent Mitchell has to qualify as one of the dumbest crooks of all time. Our bozo was standing by the side of the road, flagging down cars at random and offering to sell them drugs. Bozo Kent ran into trouble when he flagged down a car occupied by four narcotics officers, in full uniform with badges and guns, one of whom had arrested him several times in the past. The officers let the bozo complete his sales pitch and then arrested him.

Thanks to D. Harmon for passing along today’s story via the internet. From Pelham, New Hampshire comes the story of Bozo James Lang who had a little too much to drink and got confused. You see, the police station in town was located very near the pizza shop. Our bozo walked into the police station, approached the sergeant working the front desk and tried to order a pizza. When the officer told him that he was not in a pizza parlor, our bozo got a little beligerent and was arrested. As he was being taken to his cell, he asked one of the officers, "What about my pizza?"

Bozo criminal for today comes from Erie, Pennsylvania where bozo Jeffrey Wilson found out it’s not a good idea to get into a barking contest with a pack of police dogs. Our bozo was riding his bicycle down the sidewalk when he passed a couple of parked police cruisers with police dogs inside. Our bozo looked inside the vehicles and proceeded to bark at the dogs, which, as you might imagine, got the dogs riled up. An officer sitting inside one of the police cars shouted to our bozo to stop. Barking Bozo ignored him and continued to bark, finally pausing long enough to tell the officer that this was his neighborhood and he could do whatever he wanted in it. Wrong. Barking Bozo was arrested for harassing the police dogs and, not surprisingly, for possession of marijuana.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Gregory of Tampa, Florida who sent along today’s Bozo Report. From Tampa comes the story of teenaged bozos James Fowler and Peter Hampton who first tried to break into a home by prying open a window. Unable to do this, the bozos cut a screen on the porch, which enabled them to reach inside and unlock the patio door. Once on the patio, the bozos tried to open the sliding glass door to gain access to the home, which set off the security alarm, frightening the teens away. in their hurry to get away, the bozos failed to retrieve two backpacks they had brought along which they left behind on the porch. The backpacks contained the bozos’ school books and IDs, which led the cops straight to their parents homes.

Thanks to all the Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this classic in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From San Diego, California comes the story of bozo Hal Lawson who entered a Catholic church by breaking a stained glass window. He stuffed a silver chalice and other pieces of worship into his duffel bag and was getting ready to make his escape when he spotted the wine. It was just too much to resist. Our bozo took one drink, then another and before you knew it he had drunk the whole bottle and passed out cold. A police officer happened by, awoke our sleeping bozo and arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the hometown of the Bozo Criminal Report, Tyler, Texas. Bozo Robert Harrison picked absolutely, positively, without a doubt, the worst vehicle to try to break into. Our bozo was arrested on an auto burglary charge after he was caught breaking into "Snoopy", the sheriff’s department’s crime scene van.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knoxville, Tennessee where bozo Ronald Shaw called up a cab and asked to be taken to a nearby bank with plans of robbing it, but changed his mind once there and asked to be taken to another. He went inside the bank, but came back out telling the cabbie the line was too long and asked to be taken to yet another bank and then to a fourth. On the way to the fourth, our bozo spotted another bank and asked our now quite suspicious cabbie to stop there. Our bozo emerged from the bank with a small package and a big smile on his face. He asked the cabbie to take him to a nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken. On the way there, the red dye pack in the money exploded, filling the back of the cab with smoke. By this time, the cabbie had had enough and stopped at the cab company’s office, which was only a couple of blocks away, and went inside to get help. Our dye covered bozo followed the cabbie into the office and offered to pay his fare with the red cash. He was unable to do so, however, as the cops arrived and hauled him off to jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. Three bozos were attempting so smuggle about $5 million worth of drugs into the U.S. from the Netherlands. The three bozos checked their drug filled luggage at the airport in the Netherlands only to find that the flight to Newark was overbooked. The luggage left on the plane to New Jersey while the bozos had to stay behind and wait for a later flight. In the meantime, customs agents checked the suspicious unclaimed baggage and found the drugs. When the bozos finally arrived in the United States, they didn’t sneak out to the baggage claim area looking for their luggage. Nope, they did what any bozo would do. They checked into an expensive New York hotel, called the airline and demanded that their luggage be brought to their room. The only thing delivered to their room was their arrest warrant.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brownsboro, Texas where bozo Randy Dillon was pulled over by the police for speeding. As the officer walked up to the car he thought he smelled something funny burning and asked our bozo, "Where’s the marijuana?" Our friendly bozo thought for a moment, reached into his back pocket and pulled out a plastic baggy filled with the stuff. The officer then asked if there was any more and the bozo told him there was another pound and a half in the floorboard and back seat. Our cooperative bozo was then arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Whitmire, South Carolina where Bozo Kimberley Miller walked into a video store, pulled a gun out of her book bag and demanded cash. Our bozo got away with $150 in cash but left behind one very important item. That book bag, which contained, among other things, her pager. The cops used phone records to trace the pager to Kimberley’s home address and were there waiting for her when she pulled into the driveway.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Farmington Hills, Michigan where bozo Blake Hilliard was checking car doors in a parking lot, trying to find one that was unlocked. As luck would have it our bozo happened to pick a parking lot where an undercover cop was staked out looking for whoever it was that had been robbing cars in the area. Our bozo walked up to the unmarked police car, pulled on the handle, noticed someone inside and said, "Sorry, dude, I was just checking to see if you were ok." Now a normal thief would have fled after encountering someone, but not a bozo. Oh, no, Bozo Blake continued checking car doors until he found one unlocked. The officer arrested him as he was trying to pull the stereo from the dash.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Providence, Rhode Island where bozo David Preston had just been released from jail. Not having a job and needing money, he headed straight for the local bank…with the intention of robbing it. Since he’d been in jail for a while, he was not real familiar with the layout of the bank, so he walked up to the first group of windows he saw and announced that this was a holdup. The woman looked up at him and said, "Sorry, you’re in the wrong department. This is the loan department. The tellers with the cash are on the other side of the lobby." Being a polite bozo he thanked her and walked over to the teller’s window where there was a line. Our bozo took his place at the back of the line and waited his turn. While he was waiting, the cops were called and arrived just as our bozo was attempting his getaway.

Bozo criminals for today come from Foster, Rhode Island where bozos Steven Brown and Andrew Ferguson walked into a convenience store and sprayed the clerk with pepper spray. The bozos then grabbed $150 from the cash register and headed for the door. Then they noticed the security camera overhead and remembered….Oops! They had forgotten to put on their ski masks to hide their faces. So the bozos stopped dead in their tracks, reached into their pockets, pulled out their masks and put them on right in front of the security camera which had already captured a fine picture of them. To add insult to injury, one of our bozos also forgot to take a lit cigarette out of his mouth before putting his mask on, burning his face.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Israel comes the story of a group of Palestinian terrorists who had plans to set off some bombs on the West Bank. Last month Israel rolled back its clocks one hour to support orthodox Jewish Prayer, but the Palestinian West Bank remained on regular time. Our bozos set the clocks on their bombs for 6 PM according to West Bank time but they set their own watches for Israeli time. So the bombs went off an hour ahead of schedule while the bozos were still in their car with their bombs.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waynesboro, Virginia where bozo Sean Wilson robbed a jewelry store by throwing a bowling ball through the window. Our bozo made off with a few items but was quickly captured by the cops because he left the bowling ball behind. Not just any bowling ball either. It was one of those personalized models with the bozo’s name engraved on it.