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Bozo criminal for today obviously believed in the old adage "practice makes perfect." From Kenner, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Cedrick Lincoln who wanted to make sure no one would recognize him when he held up a sandwich shop. The only disguise our bozo could come up with was his own shirt. So, to make sure the shirt was doing its job, our bozo stood outside the store and practiced pulling his shirt up over his head to cover his face. He rehearsed it several times. In full view of the store’s security camera.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rockport, Massachusetts where bozo Matthew Hazel was charged with driving without a license, destruction of property and leaving the scene of an accident. I guess you could say it just wasn’t our bozo’s day. It started off well enough when he borrowed a friend’s Cadillac to go to the local donut shop for a hot cup of coffee. As he was leaving, he spilled the hot coffee into his lap, lost control of the car and plowed into (what else?) a police cruiser.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozo David Melendes’ girlfriend was running late for her flight to St. Louis. Knowing that she wasn’t going to make her flight in time, David came up with the ultimate bozo way of holding the plane. To buy his girlfriend a little more time to catch the flight, our bozo called in a phony bomb threat. It slowed down the fight, all right. It’ll also be slowing down our bozo for a while; he could get up to ten years.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Mateo County, California where bozo Muhammad Mustafa escaped from jail. Our bozo wasted no time in heading to a pay phone to call his friends for help. Not knowing their number, he tried to dial directory assistance. Having spent much of his live in prison, our bozo wasn’t all that familiar with the procedure and he dialed 911 instead of 411. The cops knew something was up when they responded to the emergency call and noticed our bozo standing by the pay phone still wearing his orange jumpsuit that said, "Property of San Mateo County Jail."

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0066: Never forget where you keep your stash. From Jacksonville, Florida comes the story of bozo James Harrington who brought a couple of prescription bottles into the pharmacy for a refill. When the pharmacist was checking the bottles she noticed one of them had something inside…and it wasn’t prescription medicine. It was three small bags of marijuana. She called the cops and our bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Reno, Nevada where bozo Carlos Hernandez was on the run from the cops who had spotted him holding up a convenience store. Our bozo led the police on a merry chase, evading an intense search by foot patrols and a police helicopter by climbing up a 40 foot spruce tree. And there he would probably have remained hidden, if only the alarm on his watch hadn’t gone off, tipping the cops off to his location.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozo Wanda Hayes was employed by Stanford University Medical Center. Wanda used her position at the hospital to gain access to the financial records of several of the doctors, stealing their credit card numbers and using them to purchase things for herself and her home. She then made the mistake of inviting several of those doctors to a big housewarming party at her new home. The doctors spotted numerous items in the home that appeared to match fraudulent charges on their credit cards and called the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where bozo Mary Sparks was doing a little shoplifting at a neighborhood department store, stuffing clothes and other items into a large duffel bag that she had in her shopping cart. Just as she was about to make her getaway whe noticed a couple of police officers watching her. Frantically she started putting the items back on the shelf, eventually deciding that it was not worth it and walking out of the store leaving her duffel bag and shopping cart behind. As the cops were going through the bag they found our boao had also left behind her purse which contained her ID. The cops called her and told her that some good citizen had found her purse and that she could pick it up at the police station. Like a typical bozo she went down to get it and was arrested.

Bozo criminals for today may have watched the movie "Weekend at Bernie’s" one time too many. From Johannesberg, South Africa comes the story of three bozos who tried to defraud the government by bringing a recently deceased man to the welfare office to apply for pension benefits. They propped up the dead fellow at the window and held his hand out to be fingerprinted, saying he was ill and had passed out while waiting in line. The suspicious clerk called the cops and the bozos were arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah where bozo Johnny Lee Morgan held up the First Utah Bank on New Year’s Eve. Once inside the bank, our bozo pulled a pistol out of a large envelope, pointed it at the teller and demanded to be allowed into the vault. The teller led him in and our bozo loaded up on cash, getting away with almost $35,000 worth. In his haste to get away, our bozo left behind the envelope that he had the gun in. And that envelope is what got him into trouble. Inside it was our bozo’s personalized diploma from an anger management course administered by the Utah State Department of Corrections. Looks like he’ll have the opportunity to take the course again.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marlborough, Massachusetts where bozo Dave Norris was walking through a parking lot checking car doors, looking for any that were unlocked. Our bozo then checked precisely the wrong car at exactly the wrong time. He had the misfortune of walking up to a police officer’s car just as the officer was approaching the vehicle. When the officer asked him what he was doing in the car, prowling through the console, the bozo offered up the excuse of the week, saying, "It’s my wife’s car…honest." He was quickly taken over to "the city’s car" and given a little ride to jail.

The bozo criminal report for today features the first reported Y2K-bozo related incident. From Kansas City, Missouri comes the story of a couple who prepared for the year 2000 by drawing all their money, and their stocks and bonds, out of the bank and placing it all inside a five foot high vault they had purchased for their home. A couple of days later they came home and the vault, with all their valuables inside, was missing. A bozo had brought in his dolly and simply wheeled the vault out and onto his truck. Unfortunately, our bozo only had a plan for stealing the vault, not one for getting into it. The cops found the valult a couple of days later in a nearby field, somewhat the worse for wear. The bozo had attempted to saw the hinges off, and failed. He had tried to knock the combination tumblers off, and failed. And he had tried to pry open the door, and failed. He did succeed in getting arrested, however, after the bozo thief, who was the couple’s next door neighbor, blabbed to a couple of friends about his problems.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brattleboro, Vermont where bozo Norman Hastings was arrested and charged with selling crack cocaine. Our bozo admitted to having the crack in his possession, but denied he intended to sell it. Since he couldn’t afford an attorney, he was given the standard forms to fill out to obtain a public defender. In typical bozo fashion, when filling in the line on the form asking for his occupation, our bozo wrote in, "Selling drugs." He’s being held while his new public defender figures out what to do with him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Astoria, Oregon where bozo Roberto Garcia was pulled over by the cops for erratic driving. The investigating officer noticed our bozo was rather fidgity and after a few minutes the bozo was literally squirming in his seat. When the cop asked him what was wrong, the bozo blurted out, "I’ve got a bag of cocaine in my pants and it’s burning me!" He then asked the officer if he could please help him get it out. Don’t know if the cop actually helped, but a bag of cocaine was recovered from the bozo’s shorts and he was sent to jail.

Bozo criminals for today picked the absolute worst place to try to rob. From Las Vegas, Nevada comes the story of a group of bozos who burst into Mr. D’s bar and proceeded to inform everyone there that this was a holdup. What they didn’t know was that the house band, named Pigs in a Blanket, was made up of off-duty police officers. Not surprisingly, the officers quickly put down their guitars and proceeded to arrest the bozos.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Drtangyn Sewell walked into a drug store, grabbed the cash register off the counter and ran. Our bozo was in such a hurry to get away that he didn’t even notice that he had torn off only the top part of the register, leaving the money drawers behind. The police said he was not hard to spot. He was the bozo running down the street carrying an armload of machinery with dangling wires and cables.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Tennessee where bozo Michael Powers pulled up to the First American Bank, left the motor running in his car for a quick getaway, and handed the teller a holdup note. His proud smile quickly turned to a frown when he exited the bank with a handful of cash only to find he had locked the car door with the keys inside.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozos Audie Brown and James Fletcher held up the video arcade where bozo Audie had recently been employed. The two wore ski masks and disguised their voices in an attempt to avoid being recognized and got away with a small amount of cash. The cops quickly caught up with them when the store manager was able to positively identify bozo Audie after his accomplice slipped up and called him by name during the robbery.

Bozo criminal for today probably should have just used his weapon for lunch. From Nashville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Leonard Feldman who walked into a bank, pointed a small silver object at the teller and told her to hand over all the cash. If she didn’t, our bozo told her, he would set off the bomb he was carrying. While he got away with a small amount of cash, the police quickly caught up with him and his bomb. That silver object he called a bomb turned out to be a hot dog wrapped in aluminum foil.

Bozo criminal for today wins the Bozo Weapon of the Week award. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Lyle Burton who walked into a convenience store carrying a small snake. Threatening the clerk with the snake, which he said was a dangerous copperhead, our bozo demanded cash. Figuring the snake was not worth much, the clerk gave our bozo $40 and a pack of cigarettes, calling the cops as soon as he was out the door. The police were nearby and quickly arrested the bozo and his snake, which turned out to be harmless.