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Bozo criminal for today comes from Milton, Georgia where bozo Joseph Lane had been on the run from the cops as an escaped convict for the last 30 days. Now, if you were a bozo escaped con in a small Georgia town and you were having trouble finding your local drug dealer, what would you do? Of course, you’d stop and ask a local sheriff’s deputy for directions. Which is exactly what our bozo did. The officer immediately became suspicious and our bozo was captured when he jumped from his car and tried to flee.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1111: It’s not usually a good idea to go on the number one rated TV show in the country if you’re wanted by the cops. From Knoxville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Mike Stacey who was a contestant on last Sunday’s edition of "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" Our bozo never made it out of contestants’ row but his appearance made him a minor celebrity back home in Tennessee and attracted the attention of the cops who noted that our bozo was wanted on several charges. When he showed up at a local radio station the following Monday to tell of his New York City adventure, the cops were waiting and arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Jurisprudence Division. From Clifton Heights, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Alvin Washington who was convicted of the robbery of a convenience store. Our bozo, however, argued that he was denied the right to represent himself in the trial. So, he was granted a new trial with the bozo this time serving as his own lawyer. And the verdict…guilty. Only this time instead of being sentenced to 32 years in jail he was sent up for 80 years.

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that it’s not usually a good idea to threaten a fry cook. From the International File in Leeds, England comes the story of bozo Colin Wilson who burst into a fast food restaurant at closing time brandishing a wooden table leg as a weapon and demanding money. The restaurant manager, who was standing near the deep fryer, reached over and took the fry basket out of the hot grease and whacked our bozo over the head with it, causing him to beat a hasty retreat toward the door. Our bozo was arrested a short time later after nearby hospitals were alerted to be on the lookout for anyone with the outline of a french fry basket burned into his forehead.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From the Cayman Islands comes the story of bozo Jason Randall who dialed what he thought was the number of his friendly neighborhood drug dealer to buy some cocaine. Unfortunately for the bozo, he dialed the wrong number. Boy, did he dial the wrong number. He reached the deputy chief of the police department’s drug task force who decided to play along and set up a place to meet for the deal. The bozo showed up and was promptly arrested by an undercover cop.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knoxville, Tennessee where bozo Jamaal Wallace was pulled over at a routine traffic checkpoint. Police officers became suspicious when they looked inside the bozo’s car and saw that he had 20 of those pine tree air fresheners hanging inside. Police thought he might be using them to try to cover up the smell of something and they were right. In his trunk they found 300 pounds of marijuana.Bozo Criminal for Thursday, March 9Bozo criminal for today comes from Laurel, Maryland where an ambulance was called to a disturbance at a trailer park. When emergency personnel arrived they they discovered that a husband and wife had been having a nasty quarrel, with the husband suffering a head laceration as a result of being hit with a beer bottle by his wife. The wife wanted him to go to the hospital and even though it was obvious he needed stitches, the husband refused to go. The police explained to his wife that she couldn’t force him and that the husband could refuse treatment if he wanted to. In fact, the only way the wife could have him sent to the hospital was if he were unconscious. The next thing the police knew, the wife emerged from the kitchen waving a huge iron skillet. Since she loved him so much, she said she was going to knock him out cold so that the crew could take him to the hospital. The police arrested the bozo wife and took her hubby to the hospital.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Collins, Colorado where bozo Stephen Peterson can never be accused of not keeping his word. The bozo robbed the same 7-11 store twice in the same day and as he was leaving the second time he told the clerk that he would be back later to rob him again. True to his word, the bozo showed up several hours later to rob the store for the third time and ran smack into detectives who were still investigating the second robbery.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska where bozo Robert Ford had been keeping an eye on a house in a nice neighborhood for a couple of nights. After seeing no activity in the home, our bozo correctly assumed that the owners were out of town. He then decided to break into the house and loot if of all its valuables. Our bozo parked his pickup in the driveway, jimmied the door open and started loading his truck up with VCRs, a TV, a microwave and just about anything that wasn’t bolted down. As you might expect, a bozo can get awfully tired doing such hard work. And apparently our bozo got so tired that he decided to take himself a little nap in the front seat of his truck. And that’s where the police found him, snoring away with all his stolen goods packed away in the back.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Ralph Simpson attempted to rob a convenience store. Instead of using a weapon to demand money, our bozo instead tried a rather unusual threat. He walked in and told the cashier that if she didn’t hand over the money, he’d hold his breath until he passed out and then he’d sue the store for being injured on the premises. The attendant merely laughed at him. Our bozo then held his breath until he turned red, probably as much from embarassment and frustration as from lack of oxygen. When it became obvious his plan wasn’t working, he headed for the door where he ran smack into an off duty police officer stopping by for a cup of coffee.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax County, Virginia where bozo Miguel Ramirez was in a parking log screaming for help at the top of his lungs. Someone called the police who arrived on the scene to find our bozo inside a parked car with his hand wedged inside the dashboard. It seems he was trying to steal the car’s stereo when his hand got stuck. The cops first freed him and then locked him up.

Bozo criminal for today took the "Santa Claus" approach to crime. From Cincinnati comes the story of bozo Dale Strickland who tried to break into the Sportsman’s Bar by shimmying down the chimney. Of course, you know what happened. He got stuck and the employees opening up the next morning had to call the cops who had to call the fire department who had to dismantle part of the chimney to get him out. And to add insult to injury, even if our bozo had been successful in climbing down the chimney, it wouldn’t have gotten him anywhere. The chimney he tried to climb down was for the tavern’s water heater and didn’t even open into the building.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Branch who passed along today’s report. From Longview, Texas comes the story of bozo Larry Warner who was behaving rather suspiciously in the Sav-a-Lot grocery store. When our bozo attempted to leave the store with a large package underneath his shirt, the store manager took off after him, chasing him out into the parking lot. Our bozo threw down the package of pork ribs he was hiding and ran, with the manager in hot pursuit. He then tried unsuccessfully to flag down several passing cars before finally jumping into the back of a pickup truck that had stopped at a red light. Unfortunately, our bozo picked the wrong pickup to jump into. It was driven by an off duty police officer who quickly took him into custody.

Bozo criminals for today come from Orange, New Jersey where bozos Mitchell Bryant and Yasmin Gonzalez forced their way into an elderly woman’s car, demanded that she hand over her cash and fled. Several witnesses in the K-Mart parking lot where the incident occurred were able to give the police a good description of the bozos and the police recognized the pair as a couple who had been in trouble several times before. The cops released mug shot photos of the bozos and the newspaper printed the story, along with the bozos photos in the morning paper. About seven o’clock the next morning the police were called to a street corner where they had received a tip the bozos could be found. And there they were, working their day jobs, hawking the morning newspaper on the street corner. The very same paper that had their wanted photos inside.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas where bozo Donterio Brown was without transportation so he did what any true bozo would do, he called the police station to say he needed a ride downtown and would an officer be so kind as to come by and give him a lift. The dispatcher told him, sorry, that’s against policy. Not to be deterred, our bozo called back a few minutes later and said he wanted to report a suspicious person loitering around a phone booth and gave a description of himself. The bozo reasoning here was that once the cops arrived he could convince them to give him that ride he needed downtown. He was given a ride, all right. To the police station where he was charged with making a false alarm.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Camarillo, California comes the story of bozo Robert Pierce who went into a department store planning to steal some clothes. Our bozo took a suit into the dressing room and used a pair of wire cutters to snip off the security tag. He then put on the $419 suit and covered it up by pulling his own baggy clothes on over it and proceeded to head for the store’s exit. Only one problem, remember that security tag he clipped off the suit? Instead of leaving it in the dressing room, he dropped it into his pocket. And of course it set off the security alarm as he was leaving the store.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Lowell Jackson entered a motel, flashed a butcher knife and demanded cash from the clerk. When the clerk reached under the counter and pulled out not money but a pistol our bozo thought better of things and quickly fled. The hotel clerk called the cops but was unable to positively identify the suspect. A few days later the bozo stopped by the hotel again, this time to thank the clerk for not turning him in. Shouldn’t have done that. The clerk got a good look at him and our bozo was arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Vince Colvin of Mineola, Texas for sending us today’s story. From the International File in Buenos Aires, Argentina comes the story of four rather clumsy bozos who broke into the home of 86 year old Julia Castillo late one evening. It was a moonless night and it was dark in the house. Very dark. In fact Mrs. Castillo was awakened by the sound of our bozos stumbling around and running into things. Mrs. Castillo does just fine in the dark, having been blind since birth. She picked up the baseball bat she kept close to her bed and tiptoed down the hall. She began swinging the bat and hit all four bozos, delivering lumps to their heads. And while she was swinging, she was also calling out to her neighbors for help. When the bozos were finally able to find their way out of the house, the ran right into the arms of arriving cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chesterfield County, Virginia where bozo David Wesley hitchhiked to a credit union. He was even able to convince the driver who picked him up to wait for him outside. Our bozo proceeded to hold up the place and upon returning to the car had the unsuspecting driver drop him off at a nearby hotel. The driver learned about the robbery a day later and recognized the bozo from a description in the paper. Then, a week later, the driver spotted the bozo, hitchhiking again. This time the driver called the cops who came by and arrested him. One question-after the robbery, couldn’t the bozo afford bus fare?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Mexico City, Mexico comes the story of a bozo known only as "The Teeth" who attempted to rob a Mexican newspaper photographer. When the photographer told our bozo that he had no cash, our rather vain bozo said, "Then take my picture instead!" The bozo then posed for the camera with a big smile on his face and his pistol pointing up into the air. The photographer snapped one shot and took off running. The police shouldn’t have any trouble identifying our bozo. His picture was plastered on the front page of the Mexico City daily newspaper the following morning.

Bozo criminal for today is a little different. Maybe he’s more of a "Bozo Really Lazy Person" rather than a criminal but he was arrested anyway. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Warren Wynne who finally got around to taking down his Christmas tree. He was too lazy to take it down to the curb for pickup so instead he threw it out his sixth floor apartment window. The tree hit a power line on the way down, knocking out electricity to about 400 customers and putting a 911 line out of service until a backup generator came on line. He’s been charged with criminal mischief.