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Bozo criminal for today is our first ever bozo from the K-9 Division. From Waukesha, Wisconsin comes the story of Officer "Nutz", a seven year old German Shepherd on the city drug enforcement team. It seems Officer Nutz escaped from his kennel and headed straight to a nearby grocery where he triggered the automatic door and walked right in. Our K-9 bozo then made a beeline for the meat department, snagged himself a package of prime rib and dashed for the exit. Unfortunately for Officer Nutz the crime was captured by the store’s security cameras. He’s been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation by the internal affairs department.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Washington, D.C. where federal investigators have cracked a nationwide ring of bozo counterfeiters who specialized in bogus sports memorabilia and forged celebrity autographs. Apparently our bozos got in a bit of a hurry on some of their products and got confused. Feds were tipped off that it might be a bozo operation when several baseballs were offered for sale. Autographed baseballs. Signed by Mother Teresa.

Bozo criminals for today come from Sissonville, West Virginia where the local newspaper noticed that someone had been stealing a large number of the plastic tubes used for rural delivery of the paper. The ones that have the name of the paper printed on the side. After replacing about 150 of them in a couple of weeks the newspaper did a little investigating and discovered what was going on. Our bozos had used the plastic tubes to make a fence around their property. Now these tubes aren’t very tall so you have to wonder what it was the bozos were trying to fence in. Chihuahuas, maybe.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Edward Haynes learned that in the Bozo World the third time is not always the charm. Our bozo stole a trailer from the local Home Depot only to have it come loose from his pickup truck and crash a few miles from the store. He simply turned around and went back and stole another trailer, which also crashed. Our bozo left this trailer on the side of the road and returned to steal yet a third one. In the meantime a police officer had stopped to investigate the trailer left on the side of the road. The officer was checking things out when our bozo came by with his third trailer in tow. As the bozo passed by the trailer’s fender clipped the officer’s patrol car. After a brief chase our three time loser bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Honolulu, Hawaii where bozo Denny Ulrich was suspected in the murder of his grandmother. When police showed up at his home, he told them his grandmother was not there, but then became more and more helpful. He first said, "She’s not here." Then he changed his story to, "Oh, I don’t know. She might be here." Then, "She’s in the shower." Then, "Oh, I think she’s dead. She’s in the shower." He finally blurted out, "I don’t want to say anything else until I speak to my attorney because I never committed a murder before."

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk "One Eyed Joe" for sending in today’s report. From Orange, Texas comes the story of bozo Ronnie Higgins who worked at a chemical plant and thought he might supplement his income by stealing some of the plant’s welding cables. Now, these cables are rather heavy and bulky, so how would a bozo sneak them out of the plant? Simple. He took several of the welding leads and wrapped them around his torso. Then he put on his coat to cover them. Our bozo began walking toward the plant gate, which was quite some distance away. Now remember we told you these cables were quite heavy and the further the bozo walked the more exhausted he became until he finally fainted right in front of the security guards at the front gate. They revived him and, upon discovering what he had hidden, sent him on his way, relieved of his burden and his job.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England. Bozo Reginald Holland pulled a pair of stockings over his head and walked into a gas station, demanding cash from the clerk. Our bozo got his money and proceeded to go to some other stations to try his luck. He was quickly captured, as the cops had no problem picking him out. It may have had something to do with his disguise. He wore that stocking over his head and nothing else.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Iowa City, Iowa where bozo Tyson Mitchell walked into the police station and asked the dispatcher if he was wanted for any crimes. Don’t know why he did this, because when the computer report came up it showed that our bozo was wanted on an outstanding arrest warrant. As he was being taken into custody, our bozo’s problems got a lot worse. Officers found several bags of cocaine in his pocket.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milledgeville, Georgia where bozo Darryl Alexander broke a window to gain entrance into a home. As he was checking out the inside, our bozo noticed that he was bleeding rather badly from a cut he received when he broke the window. So, our bozo left and headed to the nearest hospital to get stitched up. Police answering the burglar call noticed the bloody footprints around the house and on a hunch decided to check the local hospitals. Sure enough, they found our bozo in the emergency room. But he hadn’t stolen anything from the home, so how did the police know they had their man? He had removed the home’s doorbell switch, which they found in his pocket.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York where bozo Shondell Pilgrim was charged with illegal possession and discharge of a handgun. After processing and posting bond our bozo was released. Since he had no transportation, our bozo flagged down a police car and asked for a ride home. The officers said they would do it but first they needed to check the bag he had with him. Taking a look into the bag they found…a handgun. Instead of a ride home our bozo got a free ride back to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Carrie Jagels for sending in today’s report. From Beaumont, Texas comes the story of Bozo Bernard Jackson who broke into a car, with the intention of stealing it. It must have been a tough car to break into since our bozo felt the need to take a little nap before driving away. And that’s where the owner, getting ready to go to work the following morning, found our bozo. Sound asleep in the front seat. She called the cops who arrived, woke the bozo up, and arrested him. His first words to the cops who awakened him, "It wasn’t me!"

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeff Bauer who sent in today’s report. Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0090: If you’re going to rob a pizza delivery guy, it’s usually a good idea to do it somewhere other than your residence. From Conyers, Georgia comes the story of bozo Jonathan Taylor who ordered several pizzas and when the delivery came threatened the delivery guy, forcing him to hand over the pizzas and the cash that he had on him. Our bozo then proceeded to kick back on the couch, turn up the stereo and enjoy his pizza. But not for long. The delivery guy called the cops and gave them precise directions on how to find our bozo.

Thanks to Officer "Jofa" of the Boston Police Department for sending in today’s report. One day the officer was on patrol when he noticed a car double parked in front of a pizza joint. Running a quick check he discovered the car was stolen. Thinking anyone stupid enough to double park a stolen car must be a bozo, the officer thought it might be easy enough to get him to come out and claim it. So, he turned on the blue lights and walked up to the car, preparing to write out a citation. In no time, the bozo appeared, shouting, "Don’t write me a ticket, officer. I’ll move my car!" Add stolen vehicle charges to that parking ticket.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this one in a recent Ann Landers column. From Siler City, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Randy Hayes who was having a really bad day. Our bozo walked into a convenience store and bought a bag of potato chips. While the clerk was making change, our bozo tried to grab the money from the cash drawer, but the clerk quickly slammed it shut, almost getting the bozo’s fingers. He then tried to grab the cash register but it was too heavy for him to lift. Next he tried to snatch a rack full of cigarettes but again was stopped by the clerk. Giving up, he drove away empty handed but was spotted by the cops who recognized his vehicle as being stolen. Our bozo tried to outrun them but lost control and crashed the car into a ditch. The cops arrested him on the stolen vehicle charge and on the way to the jail, he asked if they would let him stop at the convenience store to get his chips, since he had already paid for them. Feeling generous, the cops let him go in where he was promptly identified by the clerk as the person who had tried to rob the store earlier. The cops added robbery to the bozo’s charges. Don’t know if he ever got his chips.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Toledo, Ohio where bozo Roger Martin held up a convenience store, trying to disable the cash register by cutting the cord with a knife. All the bozo got for his trouble was a nasty shock. He then became confused when he asked the clerk if she could just put the money in a bag for him and she said, "Paper or plastic?" He finally got his money but by the time he made it outside his getaway car driver had gotten nervous and left. Police arrested him as he waited for his ride on a nearby street corner.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brook Clyde for sending in today’s report. From Sonoma County, California comes the story of bozo Frank Harrison who was mad at his ex-girlfriend. To get even, he decided he would rob her mother’s house. Not having a car, he called a cab to take him there, asking the cabbie to wait. The cabbie began to get a little suspicious when he noticed our bozo go around the back and then heard a loud smashing noise. A few minutes later, the bozo comes back to the cab, lugging several electronic items, with power cords dangling. Since he has no cash, our bozo offers to pay the cabbie with a VCR. The cabbie won’t take the VCR but he does get the bozo’s ID and calls the cops after he drops him off.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where 17 year old bozo Adam Brown broke into the home of a 76 year old woman. Our bozo demanded the woman’s car keys and after getting them headed for the garage. A few moments later he returned to the house to ask her how to use the garage door opener. Not getting it to work the first time, our bozo returned a second time to get further instructions on just how to get that door open. The bozo finally succeeded and was on his way…almost. The car was a standard transmission and the bozo had never driven a standard before. He came back into the house a third time to ask the woman how to get the car into gear. By this time the police had been called and our bozo was arrested as he tried to pull out of the driveway.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Evansville, Indiana where bozo David Cox pulled a ski mask over his head, walked into a convenience store and said to the clerk, "This is a robbery." Stunned, the clerk simply told the man, "You don’t want to do that. Is there anything else I can help you with?" The bozo thought for a moment, then pulled off his ski mask and told the clerk that he thought he had lost his wallet in the store a few days ago. Had anyone turned it in? The clerk looked around and, unable to find the wallet, told the bozo that if he would leave his name, address and phone number he would contact him if anyone turned it in. Our bozo gladly handed over the information and left the store. The clerk called the cops who arrested the bozo less than a block from the store, with the ski mask still in his pocket.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Copenhagen, Denmark comes the story of two bozo Danish sailors who had shore leave in Copenhagen. Our bozos headed straight from the fishing boat to a nearby pub where they proceeded to throw down a few beers. Sometime during the drinking spree the bozos decided it might be fun to play "dodge em" in a nearby car dealer’s parking lot. The bozos climbed a fence, picked a car each and drove around the lot, hitting 31 other vehicles and causing an estimated $640,000 in damage. Somehow, the bozos managed to escape and returned to their ship, but were quickly arrested. All the cops had to do was follow their noses. The overwhelming smell of fish in the two cars led the police to the bozos’ fishing vessel, docked nearby.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Santiago Minguela of California for sending in today’s report. Mr. Minguela is a former public defender and tells us of a case from his personal files. From Vallejo, California comes the story of bozo Robert Jacobsen who was dealing crack on a street corner when a plainclothes officer drove by, bought some crack and arrested him. While out on bail our bozo returned to the same street corner and was once again approached by the same police officer. Our bozo said, "Oh, no! You’re the guy who busted me last time!" The officer convinced him that he was not the same guy, just someone who looked like him. The bozo then sold him the crack and was once again arrested. Our bozo was released from jail one more time and, you guessed it, returned to the same street corner where the same police officer once again approached him. The bozo said, "This time you can’t fool me. I know you’re the same guy who’s arrested me twice." The officer admitted that, yes, he was the same officer but he was off duty, so that made it OK. Our hapless bozo considered this for a moment and sold him the crack. This time he was sent up for six years. When he gets out, we have one word of advise for him: Stay away from that corner!