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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Day of Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Banff, Canada comes the story of a couple of bozos who thought it might be profitable to steal a prehistoric tusk from a local museum. Our bozos smashed the window of the gallery and snatched a 30,000 year old mammoth tusk, valued at $40,000. Once you have a mammoth tusk, the question soon arises, what do you do with it? Our bozos checked around and quickly found that there’s not a large market for fossil tusks. (They probably should have tried e-bay!) Finally finding a fossil wholesaler in Calgary, our bozos showed up in his office, dragging along the tusk, which they claimed they had inherited. (My Grandma passed away and left me this tusk…) Thinking the tusk looked rather familiar, the dealer checked his records and, wouldn’t you know it, they were trying to sell the tusk back to the same dealer who had sold it to the museum in the first place. Cops were called and our bozos were arrested.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s story from the Celebrity File. You are perhaps familiar with the rap music artist Snoop Dogg. Mr. Dogg’s songs are known to tell of the many benefits of marijuana smoking and his current tour is even known as the "Up In Smoke Tour." What Mr. Dogg may not be aware of is that too much marijuana smoking can, without warning, change you into a bozo. After Snoop Dogg’s concert Saturday night in San Diego, a large contingent of his posse loaded into the Up In Smoke Tour bus and headed for the US-Mexico border. What happened next sounded as if it could have come from a Cheech and Chong movie. A border crossing guard stopped them and arrested a member of the posse after a cloud of marijuana smoke wafted out when the driver rolled down the window of the bus.

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1134: Before you try to steal something, be sure you know what you’re going to do with it when you get it. From the International File in Cordoba, Argentina comes the story of some bumbling bozos who decided to steal the ATM machine from a local bank. Our bozos tied ropes to the machine, tied those ropes to their truck and yanked the contraption from the wall, dragging it about 200 yards down the road. At this point it dawned on the bozos that no one knew how to get inside the infernal machine. "You mean you don’t know how to break it open?" "Nope." "Me neither." So you have an ATM machine tied tied to your car and no one knows how to get the cash out of it. What do you do? If you’re our bozo crooks you just untie it, leave it sitting in the middle of the road and drive away.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one in Ann Landers’ column this week. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of a group of bozos who were running a house of ill repute. And our bozos weren’t shy about promoting it either, going so far as to have flyers printed up giving all the details. How could they not worry about getting caught with flyers up all over the neighborhood? Easy. The flyers were printed in Spanish. What they forgot is that the cops can read Spanish, too. They’ve been shut down.

Bozo criminal for today is a double winner, also winning our Bozo Excuse of the Month award. Bozo David Graham was called before the judge in London, England on reckless driving charges. The arresting officer said Mr. Graham had been driving erratically and had failed a blood alcohol test. Our bozo told the judge that he hadn’t been drinking, explaining that he was a male exotic dancer and fire breather who performed under the name "Magnum" and that the chemicals for his act had caused his blood to register over the limit. Hope he has a bicycle he can ride to his next gig, as the judge wasn’t buying the story and suspended his license for 27 months.

Police in Davenport, Iowa are looking for what may be our most polite bozo ever. The clerk at the Kelly’s gas station told the police that a man in a black ski mask walked in just before midnight, pulled a handgun from his coat pocket and said, "I want your money." The clerk responded, "Don’t even…" It must have been how she said it that got our bozo’s attention as he replied, "OK," put his gun back into his pocket and left.

Bozo criminal for today was trying to better himself, but he went about things in the wrong way. Authorities in New Orleans, Louisiana were baffled by a recent rash of truck thefts. Someone was stealing 18 wheel truck cabs from freight companies in the area. The thief would carefully unhitch them from their trailer, drive them around for a few days and then leave them undamaged nearby. Finally, after about ten such cases the cops got a tip that led them to our bozo, Carlton Jones. And it was what the cops found in his residence that convinced them that they had their man. Scattered around his home were applications to various trucking schools. Our bozo had been stealing the trucks to get in a little practice driving before taking his final exam.

You’ve heard the old saying that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. You can now update that to include bozos, who shouldn’t live in glass houses at all. From Knoxville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Johnny Snider who was one of six people living inside a glass house set up in a shopping mall as part of a promotion. The number was quickly reduced to five after our bozo’s ex-wife spotted him in a story done by a local TV station. She called the cops who stopped by and arrested him for failing to pay child support.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Virginia where bozo Cynthia Leeman was arrested and charged with robbing the Bank of America branch there. She told the police she robbed the bank bank because she needed cash to pay an overdue mortgage on her home. Only one problem…the bank which held her mortgage, the one she deposited the stolen money into, was the same one she held up.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon where bozo Elio Perez was taking his drivers test. Shortly after beginning the test, our bozo hit the curb, an automatic failure. But instead of returning to the drivers license office, he asked for a second chance. When the officer told him that wasn’t possible, the bozo just kept driving around the parking lot, refusing to let the officer out. A "drivers license examiner held hostage" situation quickly developed. Finally the standoff came to a conclusion when the bozo let the officer out and quickly sped away. He didn’t get very far, though, as all the information the police needed to find him was right there on his drivers license application.

Bozo criminal for today is guilty of violating Bozo Rule Number 7787 which clearly states that it’s not usually a good idea to use your children as accomplices in crime. From Fort White, Florida comes the story of bozo Linda Frazier who allegedly broke into her next door neighbor’s home and stole dishes, pots and pans, sheets, a television and even a bed. With such a large haul, our bozo couldn’t carry it all back to her house by herself, so she enlisted the aid of her children. Police investigating the case talked to our bozo who insisted that she had purchased the items from her neighbor. She continued to stick to her story until both her children spoke up and told the nice officer that Mommy was lying and that she had forced them to help her in the heist. She’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Hitt for giving us today’s report. Our bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida where the police were at a loss on how to catch a serial credit card thief, who would steal the cards of her victims, run up huge charges, and then steal another card. Police were stumped, as they had no idea of the bozo’s real name or what she looked like. That is until bozo Elmetra Broadnax had some Christmas portraits made. When the credit card company denied the charges for the portraits, the photographer made another copy of the pictures and turned them over to the police. They must have been good mug shots as our bozo was soon identified and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today took a rather unique approach to avoiding being ID’ed. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Brian Jeffries who was arrested and charged with robbery. While in custody, the officers noticed our bozo biting his fingernails, or at least that’s what they thought at first. Upon closer inspection they discovered it was not his fingernails he was biting. It was his fingertips. He was trying to chew off his own fingerprints to prevent being identified. He was restrained before he was able to complete the job.

Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one. From the International File in Manila, Philippines comes the story of bozo Augusto Lacandula who was upset because his wife had run off with another man. Our distraught bozo boarded a Philippines Airlines flight wearing a fetching blue bonnet and swimmer’s goggles, with a lavender colored homemade parachute on his back. He walked around the cabin waving a hand grenade, terrorizing passengers and demanding cash. As the airplane descended and the cabin was depressurized so he could leap out our bozo noticed that his parachute didn’t have a ripcord. The helpful crew made a makeshift one out of a length of curtain sash and attached it to the contraption. Then, when it came time to make his big jump to freedom, our bozo chickened out…but again the helpful crew came to his rescue with one of them giving him a little push. To no one’s surprise, the chute didn’t open and our bozo was found on the jungle floor with only his arms sticking out of the mud.

From Spokane, Washington comes the story of bozo car thief Harold Montoya who "hot wired" a car and sped away, going right through the first red light he came to. As luck would have it a police officer spotted him and pulled him over. As the officer was walking up to the car, he noticed our bozo struggling to turn the car off. And the only way he could do it was with a screwdriver and a pair of pliers. He’s been arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gene Billings who alerted us to this story from Fort Collins, Colorado where bozo Nelson Harris threatened to reveal a security flaw in an e-commerce firm’s web site. Our bozo demanded thousands in cash, a new Volvo station wagon and two digital audio players as hush money for keeping quiet. Even though our bozo was a grad student, it seems he must have flunked out of Ransom 101. He gave the company his full name and address for delivery of the ransom items.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Pawtucket, Rhode Island where Bozo Charles Mason liked the lottery game at the deli where he worked. He liked it so much that it got him fired because all he did was stare at the lottery machine all day, refusing to do much work. The day after our bozo got fired, the deli received a call from the lottery commission, alerting them to an unusual amount of activity on their machine. After doing some checking it was determined that our lottery loving bozo had let himself back into the deli overnight, using the key he hadn’t yet returned, and had stolen about $1500 worth of tickets. He’ll be playing his future lottery games from jail.

(Best of Bozo)Bozo criminals for today come from Barnstable, Massachusetts where a couple of bozo car thieves stole a car and promptly became lost. And then they did what guys never do…they asked for directions. It was who they asked that got them into trouble. Our two bozos, in their stolen car, pullled up alongside a police cruiser and asked the officer the quickest way to get out of town. The officer told them, but noticed that they were acting rather strangely. So, as they pulled away he ran a check on their license plate and sure enough it came up as stolen. The bozos were caught before they even made the city limits.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Asheville, North Carolina where Bozo James Vinson, who was wanted on assault charges, was chased by police to his apartment, where he locked himself in and refused to allow police to enter. A standoff developed and the police decided to wait for him to come out and give himself up. The cops waited…and waited…and waited for six hours until one of them noticed our bozo wasn’t going anywere anytime soon. He had sacked out on the couch and was sound asleep. The cops walked in and quickly slapped the cuffs on sleeping beauty.

Bozo criminals for today come from Brooklyn, New York where bozos Eric Lawson and Bernie Green were waiting in line at the Dime Savings Bank. While standing in line, our bozos were discussing exactly how they planned to rob the teller…in detail. The woman in front of them couldn’t help but overhear the plot and she stepped out of line and walked over to inform a police officer of the situation. Our blabbermouth bozos were arrested as they started to leave the bank with their loot.