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Bozo criminal for today comes from Cypress, California where bozo Thomas Martin was pulled over by the cops who noticed marijuana and some suspicious items in his car. Fearing the worst, our bozo decided to make a run for it. He led the cops on a freeway chase for a few miles before the police noticed him slowing down and finally pulling over and stopping on the side of the road. Our bozo had thought better of things and had decided to give himself up, right? Wrong. He was simply a bozo who had decided to try to outrun the cops on an empty tank. He was out of gas and out of luck.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this one in a recent Ann Landers column. From Houston, Texas comes the story of bozo Delbert Morris who saw his picture in the paper as a man wanted for a series of robberies against cab drivers. The local crimestoppers was offering a reward for information leading to his arrest. So, our quick thinking bozo went down to the police station, newspaper article in hand, and turned himself in, hoping to collect his own reward. Sorry, bozo. Instead of a reward the jury gave him a thirty year sentence and a $4000 fine.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael Hill for contributing today’s report. From Sacramento, California comes the story of a bozo who made his getaway in style, and that’s just what got him into trouble. Eighteen year old bozo Alexander Justin held up the Bank of America branch there and after getting his cash he shouted, "I’m going to Lake Tahoe!" (Obviously a bozo version of "I’m going to Disneyland!") He then proceeded to get into a waiting limo. Yep, he rented a limo to use as his getaway vehicle. After showing his bulging bag of loot to the driver he instructed him to take him to Lake Tahoe. The suspicious driver alerted his dispatcher who called the cops. Our bozo never made it to Lake Tahoe. In fact he barely got outside the city limits.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Paul Warren got bored one evening and decided to steal a milk truck and take it for a little spin. Our bozo cruised through a couple of red lights and sideswiped a car before stopping for gas. In the meantime he had been spotted by the manager of the dairy who came up to him at the gas pump and demanded he return the truck. Our bozo thought for a moment and replied, "Give me three dollars or I’m blowing this place up." Of course he wasn’t going to, but this nonsensical comment so shocked the manager that the bozo was able to hop back into the dairy-mobile and make his getaway. His evening joyride came to a screeching halt when our bozo ran into another car…a police truck.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Plantation, Florida where bozo Alfred Flemming walked into the World Savings Bank and demanded money. When the teller told him she had nothing to put the cash in, our bozo reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out an envelope and handed it to her. Unfortunately, in his haste, our bozo didn’t notice that when he pulled out the envelope, a business card and a blank check fell out also. He didn’t bother to pick them up but the cops did and were waiting for him when he arrived home.

Bozo criminal for today threw a tantrum even a two year old would have to be proud of. From Denville, New York comes the story of bozo Jerry Beeman who walked out of a trendy restaurant to find a parking ticket on his car. Our bozo then did what any bozo would do in such a situation. He climbed onto the trunk of a nearby patrol car and began jumping up and down on it. He then crawled over the roof and onto the hood, which he also gave a good stomping. But he still wasn’t done. Our bozo jumped off the car, picked up a handful of gravel and threw it at the patrol car, then ran up and gave it a final kick for good measure. Unfortunately this was all done in full view of several witnesses. Our bozo has been arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and criminal mischief.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma where bozo Daryl Simpson was scheduled to appear at the county courthouse to answer charges of marijuana possession. Our bozo couldn’t find a parking place in the designated lot so he decided to park in the police parking lot. That’s mistake one. Two plainclothes officers asked our bozo to move his car. He refused. That’s mistake number two. The officers then asked our bozo for some identification and he opened the glove compartment to look for his drivers license. That’s mistake three. Rummaging through the glove compartment he began pulling out baggies of marijuana. The officers had seen enough. Our bozo was booked on additional charges of marijuana possession. And that drivers license he was searching the glove compartment for? It was in his pocket the whole time.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Madrid, Spain where bozo Juan Lopez broke into a carpenter’s workshop. Our bozo obviously didn’t read the power tools safety manual before pulling the heist as he somehow got his finger caught in one of the saws and cut the tip of it off. He quickly fled, leaving the fingertip behind. Cops quickly matched the missing digit to our bozo when he checked into the local hospital to have his finger stitched up.

With the price of gas just going up and up it was only a matter of time before this happened. From Sioux Falls, South Dakota comes the story of four bozos who were out cruising around when they noticed they were running low on gas. Since they didn’t have enough money to fill the tank, they made the station attendant a little proposition. They offered to trade some marijuana for a tank of gas. The clerk said he’d have to check with the manager and went into the back and called the cops who arrested our bozos on drug possession charges.

Bozo criminal for today wins our Bozo Continuing Stupidity Award. From Patterson, New Jersey comes the story of bozo George Blumenthal who was sentenced to 50 years in prison for his role in a 1985 jewelry robbery. At his original trial our bozo insisted on acting as his own attorney. Now, he’s petitioned for a new trial on the grounds that he gave himself "ineffective counsel" at the first trial. Proving that he still hasn’t learned a thing, he’s representing himself at the appeal hearing.

Bozo criminal for today is a member of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Carmel, Indiana comes the story of bozo Joe Brown who was upset that the dating service he had joined kept matching him up with older women when he had requested a woman of child bearing age. Our bozo was so upset that he walked into the dating service, pulled a 357 magnum on the office manager and demanded a $1200 refund. The manager told him she would have to go into the back to write him a check. Instead she called the cops who arrested our patiently waiting bozo. No wonder he was having trouble getting a date.

Best of BozoBozo criminal for today comes from Agawam, Massachusetts where bozo Vincent McKenzie held up a bakery. A police officer who heard the report on the radio spotted our bozo and took off after him. The ensuing high speed chase took them all the way into the neighboring state of Connecticut where the bozo ditched his car and sought refuge in the lobby of a building that he mistook for a shopping mall. Only it wasn’t a shopping mall. Our bozo had stumbled into the entrance of a newly built state prison.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3332. If you’re wanted by the cops it’s usually a good idea to keep quiet. From Milwaukee, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo James Sellars who had just bought a new stereo for his car. And not just any stereo either, but one of those megawatt earth shakers. Our bozo was cruising the streets with that stereo turned all the way up when he attracted the attention of the chief of police who was a whole block away. Upon pulling him over the chief noticed an unlicensed handgun on the seat. When he ran a license check it was discovered that our bozo was wanted for fleeing an officer, damage to property and possession of a controlled substance. He faces up to 15 years in jail, all because that stereo was too loud.

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that it’s not just the police you have to worry about when you’re a bozo, sometimes you also have to watch out for your fellow citizens. From Madison, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo John Hanson who flashed a knife at the Bank One teller and demanded cash. Unfortunately for our bozo a quick thinking customer saw what was going on and unhooked the cord used to direct the line of customers and hurled the metal post it was attached to at him. Our bozo was knocked to the floor, losing his knife in the process. He struggled to his feet and staggered toward the door only to be hit over the head by a chair wielding customer. Another customer then sat on our bozo until police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Shelton of Japan for contributing today’s report. From the International File in Osaka, Japan comes the story of a kind-hearted bozo who broke into a home during the afternoon. A woman was there doing housework when the bozo burst in and demanded all her cash. Sobbing and in fear of her life, the woman gave him their savings of about $3000. Our bozo felt sorry for her and explained that while he had to have the money, the least he could do would be to write her a receipt, which he did. Complete with his real name and address. The police were waiting for him at his home the next day.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City. Bozo Edward Westhaven left his wife and fled to France with the couple’s $4 million nest egg. Mrs. Westhaven won several court judgments against her bozo ex but could not collect as he remained in Europe, out of reach of authorities. Finally our bozo was captured when he returned to the United States. And what dire emergency would cause this bozo to return to U.S. shores and face imprisonment? His old hairpiece wore out and he needed to have a new one fitted.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s Bozo criminal who comes from Las Vegas, Nevada. You have to give bozo Juliano Ramirez an "A" for effort if nothing else. Bozo Juliano stole a car from a dealer’s lot and parked it in front of his house. The police quickly found the car, got a duplicate key made and returned the car to the lot. When our bozo returned home and found his stolen car gone, he went to another dealership and stole a pickup truck. The results were once again the same. The police spotted the car parked in front of a pawn shop and used a duplicate key to recover the vehicle. Undaunted, our bozo took a public bus from the pawn shop to a Toyota dealership and this time stole a sport utility vehicle. The police had seen enough and arrested our bozo, only to release him a short time later after he agreed to cooperate on an ongoing case and promised not to steal any more cars. Do you really think this bozo kept his promise? Of course not. He was arrested again for stealing a new minivan from another dealership. This time he’s staying in jail for a while. He’s been booked on four counts of grand theft auto.

Bozo criminal for today perhaps should have found a less conspicious means of transportation. From Topeka, Kansas comes the story of bozo Walter Drake who needed to get from Los Angeles to Ohio really bad. So he did what any bozo would do. He grabbed his television set and hailed a cab. Yep, he loaded himself and that TV set into a cab in LA and told the cabbie to take him to Ohio. The cabbie, thinking he was in for the tip of a lifetime, agreed. Everything was going well until the cab crossed into Kansas. It was here that a Topeka sheriff stopped them for speeding. Noticing that our bozo looked rather nervous and that he had a really tight grip on that TV, the sheriff did a little checking. Sure enough, inside the TV he found ten pounds of marijuana. Our bozo was busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut where bozo Ronnie Hartman worked for the city as a public works employee. Our bozo also moonlighted as a drug dealer. It was the combination of the two jobs that got him in trouble when he started making drug deals over the city radio frequency which was also shared with the police department. Officers overheard the transactions and our bozo was quickly busted.

From Longview, Texas comes the story of bozo Thomas Vance who was seen strolling through the Sav a Lot grocery store. Our bozo attracted attention to himself for a couple of reasons. First he was wearing a jacket on a hot Texas summer morning. And second there was a rather large bulge in that jacket. His fate was sealed when a package of pork ribs fell from underneath that jacket as he headed for the door. Alert employees were able to restrain our bozo until the police arrived. He must have been planning on feeding the whole neighborhood, as a police search found another package of pork ribs hidden in that jacket.