Bozo criminals sometimes have bozo friends as well, as today’s story will prove. From the International File in Uganda comes the story of five bozos who set out to free their bozo colleagues from prison. The bozos were successful, cutting a hole through the fence and freeing 138 prisoners. So why do they qualify as bozos? Because they freed the wrong crooks. They cut through the wrong fence-their friends were waiting for them on the other side of the prison.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gordon Galbraith for sending in today’s report. From Robbinsdale, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Paul Harris who walked into a pawn shop with several power tools he had just stolen and asked for cash for them. The man behind the counter took a look at the tools and thought, "These are pretty nice. I’ve got one just like that…and that…and that!" Finally it dawned on him-he was looking at his own tools. The bozo had broken into the pawnbroker’s house, stolen his tools, and, as fate would have it, brought those tools to his shop to pawn them. The pawnbroker called the cops who detained our bozo on a previous warrant while he hurried home to confirm that those were indeed his tools. They were. The bozo was arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Flatwood, Kentucky where bozo Elbert Harrigan was trying to break into an ATM machine at the local bank. Our bozo had brought along a drill and two bits but had broken both of them off trying to drill into the machine, so he left. And that’s when patrolman David Smith of the Flatwoods Police Department arrived, responding to a report of a break-in at the bank. The officer took a look around, noticed the two broken drill bits and decided to wait a few mintutes to see what happened. And sure enough, a few minutes later our bozo showed up with a crowbar and went back to work on the ATM. He was quickly arrested.
As the old saying goes, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And the way to catching a bozo may be through his stomach as the following story will prove. From Fayetteville, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Anthony Rogers who stopped by to visit an old boyhood friend that he hadn’t seen in years. After paying his friend a visit our bozo returned later and stole about $1800 worth of property from his home. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that our bozo was the culprit. The homeowner noticed several cheese wrappers laying on the kitchen counter and remembered our bozo had mentioned that this type of cheese was his favorite food. The cops followed up and our bozo was arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin where bozo Kenneth Green checked into the Indianhead Motel and when he checked out he took almost the whole room with him. Including the TV, refrigerator, microwave, mirror, three lamps, two wall pictures, the towels and the sheets. Didn’t take the cops long to find him, however. He checked into the room under his real name with his home address and that’s where the cops found him, with the stuff spread out all over his living room. Sounds like he was planning a big garage sale.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Neal Tooni for sending in today’s report from Chesterfield, New Jersey where bozo Kenneth Green was wanted by the cops for assaulting his wife. Our bozo was doing a good job of avoiding arrest until he decided to pick up his paycheck. And it was his place of employment that caused a little problem. He was a 20 year employee of the state corrections department. His co-workers knew there was a warrant out for him and when he stopped by the prison to pick up his check he was arrested.
Today we’ll learn that love does not necessarily conquer all if you’re a bozo. From the International File in Sao Paulo, Brazil comes the story of bozo Pedro da Silva who was serving time for robbery. Pedro was getting a little lonely in his cell; he needed companionship. So he did what any bozo would do. He broke out of jail and headed straight across town to the female prison, where his girlfriend was also doing time and sprang her. The star crossed lovers then headed for the nearest hotel, which was of course the first place the cops checked. They’re both back in jail. And, one more thing, if Romeo could have just controlled his passion for three more days his girlfriend could have visited him legally. That’s all the time that was left on her sentence.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Victoriaville, Canada where bozo James Hannigan was perhaps the world’s most meticulous drug dealer. Our bozo charged his customers sales tax on the crack cocaine he sold them. This led one of his equally stupid clients to complain to the police about the practice. The police were quickly able to track down and arrest our bozo because of another one of his quirks. He gave his customers signed receipts for the drugs they purchased.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Brescia, Italy comes the story of bozo Fausto Messina who walked into the local bank carrying a sawn off shotgun. He approached the teller and demanded 10 million lire. Luck was not with him this day, as an off duty policeman happened to be in the bank at that very moment and he pulled the alarm, causing our bozo to panic, drop his weapon, and head for the door. And we told you it was not his lucky day. He got trapped in the entryway between the bank’s two front doors, which both automatically locked. He was trapped like a rat. Police officers soon released and arrested him.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Denman of Lufkin who sent us today’s report. From Diboll, Texas comes the story of bozo Walter Austin who was stopped by the police for speeding and arrested for having no drivers license and no insurance. Our bozo called a bondsman who came down and filled out the necessary forms to spring him from jail. As he was leaving, our bozo somehow got into a heated argument with the bondsman and started cursing him. The bondsman, having heard enough, tore up the bonds and the bozo was escorted back to his cell. He contacted another bondsman who came down and successfully got him out of jail. The cops watched in amazment as the bozo walked directly to his car, where he climbed into the drivers seat and drove off. Of course the cops pulled him over again. But our bozo still wasn’t through. This time he got into a scuffle with the arresting officer. You can now add resisting arrest to all his other charges.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Shelton of our Japan Bureau for sending in today’s story. From Osaka, Japan comes the story of a bozo who sent several anonymous letters to branches of a large Japanese pharmaceutical firm threatening serious consequences if his ransom demands were not met. Officials of the firm were justifiably concerned until the bozo tripped up. A clerk at a convenience store near the firm’s headquarters found one of the bozo’s original ransom letters. In the copy machine where he had run off several copies. The bozo was quickly identified from the store’s video camera and arrested.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gerry M. Laarakker of Vernon, British Columbia, Canada for reporting this bozo from the International File. Bozo Richard McLaren was out of work and needed a job so he dropped by the Vancouver Police Department to fill out an application. This was not the best idea our bozo had ever come up with. A quick background check revealed Mr. McLaren was wanted on an outstanding warrant for failure to appear in court on breaking and entering charges. Upon his arrest our bozo came up with the excuse of the week, saying, "I didn’t think it was a very important charge."
Bozo criminal for today comes from Kalispell, Montana where bozo Anna Gregory was called before a judge for her extraditon hearing. Things weren’t going along to suit Anna, so in the middle of her hearing she did what any bozo would do when dissatisfied with the criminal justice system. She stood up, dropped her pants and mooned both the judge and her attorney. She’s being held while they try to decide what else to charge her with. Off hand, we’d suggest contempt of court.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Louisville, Kentucky where bozo Christopher Guest walked into the PNC Bank holding an envelope in one hand and a revolver in the other. He pointed the gun at the teller and demanded cash. She gave him some money and he made a hasty exit, leaving the envelope behind. Inside that envelope–his birth certificate and checkbook (exactly why do bozos always seem to be carrying around envelopes with this kind of information?) Needless to say, he’s been arrested.
Bozo criminals for today come from Chula Vista, California where bozos Robert Ross and Lakisha Knox stopped at the local discount store and shoplifted several items, hiding them inside a baby carriage they were pushing. They got a little too greedy, however, as they kept loading loot into it until finally the carriage gave way and out tumbled the baby along with all the shoplifted merchandise. The baby was not harmed but all the commotion attracted the security guard who nabbed our bozos.
It seems gas, or a lack of it has been causing a whole lot of problems for our bozos of late and today’s story is no exception. From Carlsbad, New Mexico comes the story of bozos Amy Stephens and Jill Robinson who attracted the attention of a helpful highway patrolman when their car ran out of gas on a busy interstate. The officer offered to help them get some gas and get back on the road. But something about the way they were acting made the officer a little suspicious. And, playing a hunch, he checked out the car’s gas tank. It was no wonder they ran out of gas…the bozos had left very little room inside the tank for fuel after stuffing it with 80 pounds of marijuana.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Cypress, California where bozo Thomas Martin was pulled over by the cops who noticed marijuana and some suspicious items in his car. Fearing the worst, our bozo decided to make a run for it. He led the cops on a freeway chase for a few miles before the police noticed him slowing down and finally pulling over and stopping on the side of the road. Our bozo had thought better of things and had decided to give himself up, right? Wrong. He was simply a bozo who had decided to try to outrun the cops on an empty tank. He was out of gas and out of luck.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this one in a recent Ann Landers column. From Houston, Texas comes the story of bozo Delbert Morris who saw his picture in the paper as a man wanted for a series of robberies against cab drivers. The local crimestoppers was offering a reward for information leading to his arrest. So, our quick thinking bozo went down to the police station, newspaper article in hand, and turned himself in, hoping to collect his own reward. Sorry, bozo. Instead of a reward the jury gave him a thirty year sentence and a $4000 fine.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael Hill for contributing today’s report. From Sacramento, California comes the story of a bozo who made his getaway in style, and that’s just what got him into trouble. Eighteen year old bozo Alexander Justin held up the Bank of America branch there and after getting his cash he shouted, "I’m going to Lake Tahoe!" (Obviously a bozo version of "I’m going to Disneyland!") He then proceeded to get into a waiting limo. Yep, he rented a limo to use as his getaway vehicle. After showing his bulging bag of loot to the driver he instructed him to take him to Lake Tahoe. The suspicious driver alerted his dispatcher who called the cops. Our bozo never made it to Lake Tahoe. In fact he barely got outside the city limits.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Paul Warren got bored one evening and decided to steal a milk truck and take it for a little spin. Our bozo cruised through a couple of red lights and sideswiped a car before stopping for gas. In the meantime he had been spotted by the manager of the dairy who came up to him at the gas pump and demanded he return the truck. Our bozo thought for a moment and replied, "Give me three dollars or I’m blowing this place up." Of course he wasn’t going to, but this nonsensical comment so shocked the manager that the bozo was able to hop back into the dairy-mobile and make his getaway. His evening joyride came to a screeching halt when our bozo ran into another car…a police truck.